Okay, I have been busy. I work out every single day. Mon-Fri I am driving Nate back and forth to work most days and I gotta fit my life around his work schedule. That keeps me pretty busy. Then there is making dinner and lunches and eating healthy which seems like a full time gig. But mostly, I have been struggling... HARD.
I am tired of listening to myself talk about all of this. So I stopped blogging for the week. What I have been going through has been intensely personal (and shocker) pretty private. I haven't even been talking to my close friends. I have pretty much just kept everything to myself. I think it is pretty fair to say that I am officially depressed.
I have been doing my best to be healthy, make healthy choices, and keep moving forward. The problem is, my head and my heart keep looking backwards. I close my eyes and I see Nick in a casket. I let my mind wander and I visualize his accident and him laying lifeless on the cement with people standing over him trying to help him. Suzy hasn't been home much. She has been spending alot of time with her beau. While I am happy that she has someone that makes her smile; I am having a very difficult time with this. I get sad at the thought of losing her on top of losing Nick. I also get very protective of her; I don't want anyone taking advantage of her. Tracy has been VERY busy at work both during work hours and at home. I am having a very difficult time finding my own self worth. I don't know WHY this is happening or if it even has anything to do with the grief process but it sucks and is not helping matters. What I really want to do is curl up in a dark cave and not come out (but that really isn't an option). My nightmares are back and oh so much fun (not). Some are about me losing Tracy (in one way or another) and some are about losing Nick all over again or having to tell people that he is dead. None of them are fun.
I just want to laugh. I am not a fan of this person I am right now. I miss the happy optimistic joy filled person I used to be I feel like now that my kids seem to be getting better, I am now crashing down.
There are these things called Thumbies that you can order when a loved one dies. They are thumb prints taken before your loved one is cremated or buried. The funeral home keeps them in storage for 6 months. The plan was to get these for everyone. We have yet to get them. We have been busy trying to get on with the business of life and getting finances back on track and saving trying to get ready for Florida for Nick's graduation. I have less than a month to get these ordered. Suzy got hers ordered today. The whole idea of calling the funeral home to order them makes me want to cry. To me it is too damn real. It's like I am in denial. If I don't call and order his thumb prints, maybe he is still alive, just somewhere else where I can't see him. Finally, I decided to make the call today. The funeral home was closed for the day. I guess I'll do it tomorrow. I don't know if I have the money for them, but I am doing it anyway..because it is a necessity. But the thought of them......the thought of them..... It's just too much.
We leave for Florida on May 7th. (You can do the math.) A good friend of mine asked me if I was emotionally ready for the trip. That's a great question. How does one emotionally prepare to fly to Florida to watch your daughter in love walk across the university stage to receive your dead son's diploma? How do you emotionally prepare to visit the memorial site created where he was killed? How do you emotionally prepare for getting off of the airplane in Orlando and find yourself face to face with memories that will forever haunt you? Is there some kind of armor I can wear to keep these things from affecting me? What about armor for my family?
Another good friend of mine says she is afraid I will come unravelled after the graduation. Like I have been keeping it together until this particular weekend comes and goes... and then all of a sudden I will crash. I think I am already becoming unravelled. Do I need therapy? Maybe? Do I need a grief support group? Maybe. I was going to go to one, but kept forgetting since it only meets once a month. I was hoping Weight Watcher meetings would help, but I realize I don't talk about what happened there, even today when I said I was lucky to even lose weight this week and the substitute leader (who has no clue what has happened) asked if I needed a group hug. The answer was yes, but I am afraid to talk about it. Do I need antidepressants? I think maybe. I am not a big fan of anti-depressants for me. I have tried them and have not had great results. Prozac makes me numb and uncreative. Wellbutrin makes me an angry bitch (we already know I have anger issues...probably no the thing I need before going to Florida where the woman who killed my son lives.)
So ya.... See. My blog... no so up lifting and inspirational, and quit frankly I am tired of hearing myself talk about it. So if I am tired, I can only imagine what other people are feeling. That and I don't want to upset my family, and it is for that reason, this blog will be posted on facebook with "blocks" so that my family won't see it being posted. (They don't follow my blog automatically.)
Anyway...here is a picture....
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