I started thinking about the "All or Nothing" mentality and the "Addictive Personality". I am no therapist and I have never read anything on this. But I wonder if the two are related. I would think they are. I know I have an addictive personality; I also know that I am an all or nothing type of girl. It affects several parts of my life.
The way I eat is affected by this. I have addictions to certain foods. Every time I give them up.. after months or maybe even a year, I think: "I can have just one." But one turns into doing it every single day sometimes multiple times. Then the next thing I know, I am fighting with everything I have to quit the habit again.
I am this way with relationships... okay maybe not. Maybe not with relationships but with certain aspects of relationships. Either tell me EVERYTHING or tell me NOTHING (not even a hint). Other wise, giving me a little bit of information leads me to the feeling that you have left something out leads me to destructive obsessive behavior.
I do this with exercise. If I am going to run, gosh darn it, it won't be a 5K, it will be a marathon. If I am going to train for a cycling event, it won't be a 25 mile ride, it will be a 400 mile ride in a week's time frame. If I am going to take a burlesque workshop, it won't be just for fun, I am going to perform! Okay.... with that said, I have done lots of 5Ks and I didn't start out with Marathons. But now if given a choice in a particular racing event, I will typically go for the furthest distance possible. Why? I think I suffer from the "I don't want to be left out" syndrome. I am learning to tame this; Naomi is helping me with that. But even without races to train for; now that I am back to exercising, it is all or nothing. I have to exercise every day or I feel like I will stop and do nothing every day after that. It's all or nothing. I am afraid to take a rest day, and if I do, its yoga.. something gentle.
This time around in Weight Watchers, I actually didn't do an "all or nothing" method. Last time, I gave up diet cokes and chocolate donuts all in one fell swoop on day one. And I didn't have them for a year. (Okay, I might have had a diet coke..but not the donuts.) But this time, I told myself I have enough on my plate with healing from grief that I don't need to give up this addiction in one fell swoop....I need to be gentle with myself and do what I think I can do that won't stress me out on top of everything else. That action shows that I have learned a few things over the years and have grown. But I tell you, it was a struggle in my head. I have now given up the donuts, but I'm still drinking diet cokes. Maybe that will go away.. maybe it won't.
The same thing with alcohol. Though I have never been addicted to alcohol, since Nick's death, I have had more than my share. I would like to think it was all just social. But I can honestly say that some (if not alot) was done in an effort to numb the pain (never a good idea). As soon as my friend Randy heard that Nick had died she told me to journal every day and do not drink. LOL. Ya.... drinking was pretty much the first thing I did. I LOVE good beer. And I miss it. I also love good wine. And don't get me started on rum. But, I have had more than my share of alcohol since Nick's death. I have decided to give it ALL up. Again.. "all or nothing". Why? People ask me that question alot. "Why did you stop drinking?" I can't say that its forever. I just think that it contributed alot to my recent weight gain. I also think that I was using it too much as medication. I also think that in the last (almost 6 months) I have spent more time at least a little tipsy than I ever have since I started drinking at 25 years old. So, All Or Nothing.... I gave it up, at least for a couple of months. And with Jared and Breezy here this weekend, I really want to drink, but I know this is not the best idea. So I won't. I have goals, and booze just gets in the way.
This morning, I woke up feeling kind of depressed. Yesterday was a beautiful bike riding day and I felt pretty good. I had a good couple of days. But this morning, I woke up feeling depressed. I am dealing with stuff again. One of the things I have challenges with is validation. When I am down (for any reason) I have this constant need to be validated as a woman. I want to be told how amazing I am. I want to be told how beautiful I am. I want to hear this from several different sources. My husband tells me this all of the time. I know I have friends who's husbands don't ever tell them this and they tell me I am lucky. But, honestly, sometimes I just feel like he has to tell me that cause he is married to me and because he does it automatically without thinking about it. The truth of the matter is, I don't FEEL these things. And even though I crave hearing this from other people, I KNOW that the only way to FEEL this way is to feel it from inside... not from hearing it from outside. And when I am feeling down about things (that don't even have anything to do with my self-esteem....like Nick's death) it doesn't make a difference, I CRAVE hearing and feeling these things from other people. Yes, this is a dangerous path to go down, and its one I have been down before. This is not new to me. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way and dealing with it is rather difficult and painful. I keep finding things to validate myself with. But I honestly think its a dopamine thing...that rush you get when someone tells you how beautiful, smart, sexy, talented you are. So ya, this morning I woke up feeling this way again. I don't like it. So I went to a pole dancing class with Breezy. What I found? I am stronger than I think I am. My body moves in ways that I didn't know it moved. It naturally moves in ways that are sexy, and I said to myself, "When did that happen?" I saw glimpses of a person I used to be and used to feel like. I miss her. THAT IS WHO I AM CRAVING! That empowered, sexy, vixen in the mirror that can saunter around a pole and spin and move like a tiger on the prowl....that is who I miss. I hope she comes back soon.
I feel as though Michaeleen Blair didn't just kill my son, but she killed a part of me that I am trying to resuscitate back to life. I am doing things and making choices that I think will be awesome and find out, "uggg... not so great." Then there are other things that happen that I didn't know I wanted to have happen that turn out great and I want more of, but it seems to be a one time scenario and leaves me wanting more and feeling unfulfilled. My life is off kilter. It's like I see a glimmer of what my life used to be and then I blink and it is gone. Life is a tease. I feel happiness in a moment, but then it is gone the next. I am grateful for those glimmers because they give me some hope. And its that hope that I cling on to with a death grip that one day, I will be resurrected not as the old me but as a stronger, more grounded, wiser new me.
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