Right now, I feel as though I have a bunch of different emotions like individual strands and they are twisted around each other to form some kind of strong rope that I call grief. I can't just pull one emotion out of the twisted up mess; if I do, it all comes unravelled. Unfortunately, those emotions are all connected with events and people. I need to work on some things on some events and I can't because pulling that one thread out feels as though it's going to unravel this thing that keeps me pulled together. (If Grief is something that can keep me pulled together.) My feelings and emotions about different people get all kinds of mixed up and warped in this haze that is called grief and I don't know how to separate them out. I try hard to keep grief separate from everything else, but unfortunately, it is a big part of what is going on in my life right now.
I am just about finished reading Jim Rhon's book The Five Major Pieces of the Life Puzzle. It was a great book, and it was perfect timing for starting back on the Weight Watchers program. However, I feel like I read it and the "old me" understands it, but the "new me...the grieving me" goes.. "Uhh..ya...about that." See here's the deal. Rohn says it's easy to change your attitude. Just be happy (or don't). It's simple. I think it IS simple when you are not grieving. I used to live like that all the time. But what about the grieving mom? How does a grieving mom go from grief to happy in a change of thought? Can I just "be happy" without feeling grief? Is that possible? What happens to the process of healing in this case? If I just "be happy", am I stuffing my pain and ignoring it? That can't be healthy. So ya.. reading the book was a great idea and had some great insights, but I have some very real stuff going on in my life.
I'm not unhappy with my life (in general). I am just grieving; and things get complicated when you grieve. Relationships can get weird. I know I have hurt people. I know I have said things in my blog that have hurt people. And I feel like shit about that. Grief is no reason to hurt people (even if it's unintentional). Grief pushes the people who don't know how to deal with me and grief away. Grief puts extra stress on marriages. Grief puts extra stress on lots of relationships. And how the heck do I juggle all of this? How the hell do I pull just one strand out to work on it when I feel like they are all woven together by grief now. Maybe my friends who have kept their distance are smart...they have not been touched/hurt by my grief.
Anyway, today was one of those days where I woke up from nightmares. Tracy woke up in the middle of the night/early morning cause he couldn't sleep and he went in the other room. I was afraid he was leaving me. I was scared. I had more nightmares. I have a real sense of fear of losing people in my life now. I feel like I am losing friends. I feel like people are disappearing from my life. This morning I woke up crying. I just want my life back. I want my son back. That's not going to happen..at last my son anyway. I will eventually get my life back (or accept the one I have anyway). I went to the gym today and threw the 10# medicine ball at the rebounder pretending the rebounder was Blair. It helped a bit. I went to my Weight Watcher's meeting and found that I lost 4.2#. This should have made me happy, but I just felt empty and sad. Part of me said, "It should have been 5#". Really? 4.2 is an excellent number.
Going into my WW meetings is very hard. Back in 2011, when I started WW, I was happy, optimistic and always talkative and part of the conversation in meetings. Now I am quiet and don't want to say anything. Then I feel self conscious. Some of these people have known me for years. I feel like there is an obvious change in my demeanor and none of them know why. I feel like people are watching me. One couple said, "We were just talking about you and missing you. I just said, 'Where is that woman who was always looking for an accident?'" (When I belonged to WW in 2011/12/13 I had knee surgery, head injury, and back surgery.) She had no idea what happened to Nick. But all I could say (doing my best not to cry) was "No more accidents for me." It's hard to go to these meetings.
It took everything I had to go to my belly dance class today. I just wanted to sit at home and cry. I have cried in my car alot today. Suzy showed me the settlement checks as she was leaving to deposit them. I cried. Those checks....those checks....is that what Nick was worth? Is that all his life was worth? It just seems so unfair. And then there is the "finality" of this business.
People are worried about how we will handle life once "the business" of Nick's death is finished. We have one last thing... his graduation in a couple of weeks. People are worried that I will truly lose it then. And I just might. Who knows. What I do know is that right now I am an emotional basket case, but I am doing my very best to take care of me. I am eating right (for the most part). I gave up alcohol. I am exercising and making huge progress in my speed and endurance. I'm reading self-help books. I'm doing my best. And today, I picked up a friend's two books that she wrote after the death of her son. I will start reading those tomorrow. Books to help with my grief.
Anyway... it's been a day. I'm ready for it to be over with.
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