Let's just start with April 10th, the 5 month anniversary of Nick's death. Appropriately, that was the day that the Senior Projects at FIT were put on display for judging. A friend of Nick's sent me a picture of his poster. It was his lightening project on Sprites that he did with his other lab mates. But to see his name on the poster.. well it made me happy and cry at the same time. He worked hard on that; I wish he could have stuck around to see the results of his hard work. Then later that day, Suzy sent me a message that said she heard from the lawyers. Everything is done with probate, settlement is on the way. Interesting that that happened on the 10th. We knew the court date to settle it all was the day before...but to get that phone call on the 10th.... well...appropriate is the right word I guess.
Th 11th was Race Day for me and Omi. We did the Lake Lowell 10K. We decided to do a shorter distance because: 1) Omi has never done a 10K as a race and 2) Omi needed a break after the last 1/2 marathon that was filled with hills, rain and cold. This 10K was in the same general area of the last race, but I knew the 10K would be a little flatter course. It started with a fun down hill, but since this was an out and back course, that meant our finishing steps would be trudging back UP that fun down hill. *laugh* We ran down that hill to start.. wheeeeeeeeee!!! That is not what we said climbing back up the hill. *laugh* But in between our visits to that hill, our race was alot of fun. We danced and sang. For the first time ever, Omi greeted and cheered on the other racers that were coming back our direction while finishing their races. She had a smile on her face most of the way. We almost got taken out by 2 separate cars, which was pretty scary. We held hands. We laughed. We had a great time! I think maybe 10K is Omi's race. I have to say. We were not in the complete back of the pack for this race and since it was only 1 of the 4 different races going on that day, we came across the finish line while there were still people at the line. People were actually cheering us on as we came across. I mean there was an actual crowd! That was a completely different experience for both of us! The band was still there playing. The beer truck was still there (though I am no longer drinking). And there was a whole bunch of food left; Omi was thrilled to get some soup on this cold rainy day. It was a fantastic experience! I think maybe we will stick to 10Ks for a while; unless Omi wants to do longer races.
Yesterday with the 12th. Tracy and I got to sleep in, which was nice. Then he was back to work. He works all day at work during the week and then comes home and works most nights and weekends. I don't really get to see him very much. (This is a whole different issue.) Anyway, he went to work. I finally did some self care and took car of my feet and repainted my toenails. I have been wanting to do that for a while now. You may not think that is blog worthy, but oh.... it is! *laugh* Then Omi and I were off to grocery shop. Seriously. I shopped for about 4 days worth of food (well some of the fruits and veggies will last longer than that) but it cost $126. To be fair that included $10 in Guinea pig necessities and TP. *laugh* But still.....it was very little processed food. No wonder America has a weight issue. Fruits, veggies, milk, eggs, bread, and meat is expensive! After the grocery store, Tracy was still working and I had a couple of hours to myself. I went to visit a friend whom I have been trying to arrange time to see. I haven't seen him in nearly 2 years, but ever since Nick's accident, he has been pretty present in my life via text and has really made me smile on some pretty harsh days. So finally yesterday, we both had some time. I went over and we hung out and watched stupid comedy shows and I laughed so hard. It was nice just to hang out with someone who is not wrapped up in the grief of it all or my day to day life, but who understands and gives me space to laugh and give me a break. Then it was home to make a healthy dinner (Greek turkey sandwiches) and then off to burlesque where we got to laugh some more! It was a great way to end the weekend.
So here we are at today.. the 13th. It's early..like 8:23 am. Not much has happened today. I took Omi to school and I'm sitting on my couch in my PJs under a fuzzy blanket. But I wanted to get the blogging done and get some thoughts out of my head. It has been a very rough couple of weeks for various reasons. Lots of little things and a few big things can make a happy life turn into a huge hurricane of turmoil. Grief is polarizing. It can make you feel bipolar. Seriously. When challenges come your way, they seem huge and insurmountable. It makes you feel like you are going to snap in half and like you just can't breath and like you are going to implode or explode at any moment. It can also take the fun and cool things and make you feel like you are on the top of the world (I think that is from the relief and release from the sadness that grief brings you). You really do feel like you are in one extreme or the other. There is not much middle ground when it comes to living life with grief.
That polarizing effect is probably why they tell you not to make decisions while you are still grieving. *laugh* Now I get it; I really get it!
But this blog isn't about decisions; or maybe it is (only because every action we take is based on some kind of decision that we make throughout the day, right?)
Anyway, These last couple of weeks have been harsh. Like I said before, Tracy is working pretty much non stop and its has been very very stressful. He hasn't really stopped working to grieve. He fits grief into work (and there is really no room for it there). When stress happens at work, it is amplified because of the grief. He also doesn't take vacation or time off. He is maxed out on his vacation hours and just keeps working. He took time off when Nick died to go to Florida but that wasn't a vacation. He is taking time off when we go to Florida for graduation, but that is NOT a vacation; it will be very hard. He took a day off when Angie was here, but again, that is not a vacation. And as this is my blog and about me, I tend to start to feel a bit neglected and left alone. I know he works hard and I'm grateful for all that he does. I know he is exhausted. But when the only time he takes off is for family emergencies or when a friend comes into town and he doesn't take time off to just spend with me or the family, and when he works all the the time, or when he is does take off we just sit and watch TV, I do start to feel a bit neglected. And when he works this hard and is this stressed....it just makes matters worse. Even if he isn't actually working, his mind is thinking and stressing about work. Sometimes I think people at work forget that Tracy lost his son 5 months ago. "Business goes on." Well ya know what, Tracy lost his son.. you should be making life EASIER on him, not the other way around! On the flip side, Tracy should be able to say, "I need time off." He feels like everything rests on his shoulders. I feel so much compassion for him. I wish I could help take some of that weight off of him. Then there is the ever present polarizing grief that permeates just about everything and makes things so much bigger all the time.
Trying to navigate life while navigating grief is a journey in and of itself. Trying to navigate a marriage while dealing with the loss of a child is not easy. Each of us runs our own cycle of grief. Each of us deal with our individual lives and our own grief. Then we have the life we live together and the grief we share together. It's hard to explain. It's kind of a "his, hers and ours" kind of thing. And doing all of this, and remaining a strong, happy married couple can be a challenge. Grief definitely has a way of testing your limits on EVERYTHING, and one wrong move and everything can get screwed up and off kilter. It can be something small, but with grief that small thing can look like Mt Everest!
So ya.... these last few weeks have been difficult. But I realize the best thing I can do for myself is take care of myself. I can be here for Tracy. I can give him the space he needs to deal with things at work. I can fill my time with taking care of me... reading, working out, cooking, being creative. If I can keep myself happy or at least moving in the happy direction, it will give me the strength to deal with the other things and maybe keep the polarizing effects of grief at bay or equalized. That is all I can do. That is all I can control. I can't control anything else in my life.
So right now, I am grateful for the courage it has taken me to get my shit together. I'm grateful for clarity in my life. I'm grateful that this weekend, Tracy and I were able to find some quality time to reconnect. I am grateful that my kids all seem to be in a good and healthy place. I am grateful that Nate has a job that makes him happy. I am grateful for friends who make me laugh. I'm grateful for my Burlesque sisters who have given me some very special gifts. I'm grateful for my Belly Dance Sisters who always make me smile when we are together. I'm grateful for the bonus kids in my life who come through my doors and remind me how much I love having young people in my life. I'm grateful for Shane the Dog who gives me lots of hugs. I'm grateful that Strips the Cat has not cried and howled for the last couple of nights so I can get some sleep. And I'm grateful for the beautiful day that is today. I'm grateful for life.
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