April 8, 2015 Stop! It's Yoga Time!!!

Okay, so last night was HARSH!!!!!    I spent quite a bit of time really going through some horrible things that I apparently needed to go through.  These include reliving memories of Nick's accident and reliving a rape.  Gratefully Tracy was there with me to hold me while I heaved and cried and wailed and flailed.  Sleeping was very restless last night.  Tracy didn't get to sleep either; he was too busy playing sentinel while I slept and holding me to make sure I was comforted at all times.

Getting up this morning was no pleasant thing, but it had to be done.  I had a serious headache.  My sinus cavity was congested from all of the crying.  All I wanted to do was curl back up in bed and have Tracy hold me all day.  I knew Tracy had to go to work, so I decided to let Nate drive the car to work and said "Fuck my decision to eat healthy and work out!  I'm gonna lay on the couch under the blankets and eat crap all day and feed my emotions."

After I took Omi to school, I crawled back in bed with Tracy.  I had fully intended to go back to my couch after getting Tracy to work.  We laid in bed for a while and I let Tracy hold me some more. I just needed to be held.  I needed the memories... the feelings.. the pain to stop.  I could not function.  I did not want "to adult" today. I did not think I had it in me.  The couch was a beautiful siren singing to me today.

I drove Tracy to work.  Still my head hurt.  Still I heard the song of the siren, but I was beginning to come out of it.  The real me was starting to wake up and say, "You have to this!!!  You can't just give in to the demons!  Make better decisions!"

I came home from dropping Tracy off.  I changed into work out clothes.  I put on my shoes.  I pulled out the Zumba and Yoga videos.  I dug the yoga mat out of the garage. I got my book ready to read.  I filled up my water bottle and I started a load of laundry.  This is how I was going to spend my day!!!

I did 45 minutes of Zumba on the Wii and broke out into a crazy sweat!  I actually enjoyed Zumba for the first time since I bonked my head in 2013.  I drank a full liter of water while doing Zumba and had to refill my bottle.  Then I unrolled my mat and put in the Yoga DVD.  It was only 15 minutes long.  I chose the "inspirational message" version and had no clue what it would say.  What I found was my heart opening and releasing grief.  By the time I was done with my 15 minutes of yoga and movement and meditation, I was in tears from the release.  This is exactly what I needed after last night.

Feeling great after the work out, I put away laundry, changed the load from washer to dryer, made my healthy lunch and sat down to eat while I watched some lame stupid TV show that I couldn't even finish.  And now.. here I sit getting caught up on blogging before I start reading my book.

So far.. so good.  New decisions being made.  Better life choices being made.  Allowing myself to feel and cry and release.  Not letting obstacles get in my way or the couch suck me in... or facebook for that matter.

Yay me!