1) My dishwasher decided it didn't want to work. I have tried washing the same load of dishes several times (while more and more dishes piled up waiting their turn). To no avail. The dishes had soap scum dried on them and they felt horrible! So....I unloaded dishwasher and proceed to cuss the thing out and wash dishes by hand. I had a hell of alot of pots, pans and dishes! I realized today, this is one form of therapy. I remember as a kid having to hand wash the fine china. I hated it! Today it felt like a form of meditation to me. If my back had not been cranky, I might have actually liked it. *laugh*
2) Shane had decided to stop eating his regular dog food. It had stayed in his bowl for 2 days. On a whim, I gave him a hot tub cut up with his food. He ate the hot dog and left the kibble. Little stinker. So today, I decided to boil some hamburger meat and rice for him. As I am washing dishes, I am dirtying up 2 more to make him some food. While the meat is boiling and the rice is making, Shane decides he is finally going to eat the kibble in his bowl. Seriously? I guess if he got hungry enough..... In the man time, I have hamburger meat and brown rice made for him. And I have given it to him twice today,and both times he has eating it all up. I guess I will be buying new food for him. I just hope he likes it. I don't have time to mess around with this since we are going to Florida next week and will have a sitter here.
3) Therapy with my therapist. A couple of things needed to be addressed today. It's good to see a therapist on occasion to talk things through. And let me tell you, my life if filled with things to talk about *laugh*. Anyway, I have known here for a few years now. She challenged me in a couple of areas today. Why do I enable my child? (Good question) What can I do to find my happy again? (According to her says its not just Nick's death that has robbed me of my happy... I have been "lost" for a while now...its been building up.) Huh... now that I look at it, I suppose she is right. I don't know if it started with the head injury or the back surgery. But I do know that I have not been the same and have been trying to find my way back since back surgery. But even with the head injury, I have had a personality change and maybe that has affected some things? I don't know, but it is certainly worth taking a better look at. She also suggested that we use this trip to Florida as a way of putting the grief and sadness to bed. Go to Florida, cry where we need to cry but let it be a time of happy memories of Nick and a celebration and when we come home, focus on moving forward. It's been 6 months. (This one is hard for me. What do I lose in "letting go" of Nick? Is it too soon? I just don't know. There is grief and then there is suffering. I really think I had a delayed reaction to my grief...because I spent the better part of the 6 months keeping an eye on my family and helping them through it....and now they are through it, I am crashing. I don't think I have been grieving for 6 months. I almost feel like I am just starting the process. So ya.......I don't know.) She suggested that I find something that (not her words) gives me purpose. I seem to be living on a set schedule and not doing something for me (I don't know how to word it). But I thought that is what I was doing with the exercising and the weight watchers meetings. I thought this was my way of finding my happy again..cause when I was doing this in 2011/12 that is when I was truly the happiest I have ever been with myself. I'm a work in progress. I'll get this figured out.
4) Today Omi and I finally got to go roller skating at the Rollerdrome! It was just the two of us. Her boyfriend didn't go. We got to have some fun girl time today. She showed me how much she has progressed in her backwards skating. She actually did a race today (though she didn't not actually race....she was a much better skater than anyone else at the starting line) and she won. Then she told me to go to race. 18 and up. Yipes. I have not speed skated since I bonked my head in January of 2013. I have only been on my skates once since then, and that was just 2 weeks ago. But I took a deep breath and I went out there. On the line were people who could barely skate as well as some pretty decent skaters. Since I was last on the line, I did not get the optimal spot in line. I got middle of the pack. Yuck! The guy to my right jumped the gun and then fell right in front of me just as the word "go" was shouted. I was at a major disadvantage! I had to wait to get around him before I could start running on my skates. To the left of me, women were tripping, he was on the ground in front of me to the right of me there were young 18 year old boys falling. I hate the middle of the pack! I made it through and busted out of the pack. I left the men/boys/women behind in the dust. It was just me and one other mom. She was on blades. I quickly caught up to her and was on her tail. We passed her daughter who was screaming, "Mom you have to go faster she is right behind you!" The last turn and I whipped out from behind her and sprinted my way to the finish line. I think it was a tie. But the guy watching gave the win to her. All I do know is that she almost fell at the finish line and I had to turn around and hold my hand out to her so she could steady herself and not fall. *laugh* It was fun. I'm glad I put myself on the line tonight! I also got to jam skate tonight for the first time since I bonked my head. That was so much fun. I forgot what it was like to lose myself in music and dance on my skates! Not a care in the world..they all just disappear when I'm on skates! Skate therapy is the best kind! I had a glimmer of the old me. I had a glimmer of what Naomi and I used to have at the skating rink before boys entered the picture...before teenager years entered the picture. We would skate and laugh. Omi used to think I was the best thing on 8 wheels, and tonight she was telling me how much she used to love to watch me race and beat everyone on the line at every race and how proud she was that I played derby (if even for just a few short months). We laughed and danced and had a great time. Just what the therapist ordered!
It's been a day of lots of tears. Everything is finalizing for Nick's graduation. I am getting mails from the registrar explaining how the seating will be. We will be in the VIP seating for Graduation (not with the crowd). We will have our own escorts. Suzy will have her own escort to the stage to walk for Nick to receive his diploma. The plaque that goes with the donation made in his name will be placed in the physics department (per his Deans and mentors) and there is decisions to be made about that... do we want an unveiling or dedication? All of these things are finalizing right now, and every email I get sends me into tears.
Roller coaster of a day, but its all good. I'm grateful for amazing friends who use their talents to help me...who kidnap me for Sushi therapy...who make me laugh. I'm grateful for laughter with Omi girl. I'm grateful for kisses from my hubby. I'm grateful for the smile on Nate's face. I'm grateful for a dog who loves me unconditionally. I'm grateful for grump cat who is finally beginning to be not so grumpy. I'm grateful for the love and support of so many people. I'm grateful for the smile on Suzy's face when she is with her beau.
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