Today someone posted a Meme (or whatever the hip kids call those things) that said "Never reply when you are angry. Never make promises when you are happy. Never make decisions when you are sad." Boy did that hit home today.
It's funny, but I have been through the deaths of really close friends, a woman that I truly loved and would have given anything for, family members and other friends who I wasn't so close to. I'm no stranger to grief. Even if I am no stranger to grief, there is no preparation that can be given for losing a child. I do my absolute best to remember that I am grieving and to not let my grief get the best of me. I try very hard not to let anger over Nick's death cross over into something else. I try very hard to check my grief at the door and take a "temperature" before making decisions. However, I am only human. I know the "rule" about what NOT to do...."Don't make any major life decisions until after a year of a loved ones death." But sometimes those life decisions NEED to be made immediately (like moving my Mom and Suzy back to Idaho, for example). But there are other things that could and probably SHOULD wait until the acute grief stage is over with. It's hard to tell how long Acute Grief should last; it really just depends on the individual. And it's really hard to decide which decisions can be life altering.
The point is, it is during this stage that those of us in grief just are not thinking straight. We can be restless, have emotional labile (meaning we are likely to change our emotions faster than a tornado can change courses), have low self esteem....basically those of us who are grieving are an incubator for bad decisions in all kinds of matters.
This is when we make bad decisions trying to find distractions from our grief. We search for some way to make us feel happy or forget our pain (if even for a moment). But the sad reality is, when the distraction is over with, the food is consumed, the alcohol drank, the friends gone, the money spent, the angry words said, the fighting done.. what we find is that we are still hurting. And likely if we had made some poor decisions, we are hurting even more than when we started (maybe for different reasons) and we might have even hurt others in the process.
I say all of this because for the last 3 weeks I have been looking hard for a way to escape from my pain. The idea of beautiful escape is amazing. I have all kinds of thoughts that go through my head. Some are amazing ideas and some are really bad ideas. But ALL of the ideas have one thing in common....when it's all said and done, it's not going to change my reality. My son is gone.
And just when you think "Universe, there is not one more possible blow that you can give me to make this worse." The universe finds a way to knock you in the teeth and prove you wrong! Whether its opening closet doors and letting old emotional skeletons out, having your son's friends implode on themselves and say some really harsh things and cause lots of painful drama all while using your son's name, or by taking yet another family member off of this planet. All I can say is.. ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Since obviously a distraction is just borrowing trouble and/or putting off the inevitable, I am just throwing my hands up in the air and waving them like I just don't care. Cause I don't. I just don't give a damn anymore. I can't change what has happened.
There is that stupid cliche.. ."The only way through it... is through it." I really hate that cliche. But damn... how far and how long is "through it'?
I used to feel like I was holding up pretty well. But in the last couple of weeks I feel like I am coming crashing down pretty hard. Maybe that is because I held it together long enough to help my family get through the rough parts. And now my family seems to be dealing with things better and now I'm crashing? I guess that is a possibility. All I do know is, Omi came home from school today just as I started to type this. She saw me visibly upset and asked me what is wrong. I just told her is been a rough day. She came and put her arms around me and said, "You will make it through."
God I hope she is right.
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