April 29, 2015 Therapy, therapy and more therapy....

Okay... so honestly, the only things I had on my "to do list" today were a therapy session with my favorite therapist and dancing. That is all I had planned today.  However, the universe had different plans.

1)  My dishwasher decided it didn't want to work. I have tried washing the same load of dishes several times (while more and more dishes piled up waiting their turn).  To no avail.  The dishes had soap scum dried on them and they felt horrible!  So....I unloaded dishwasher and proceed to cuss the thing out and wash dishes by hand.  I had a hell of alot of pots, pans and dishes!  I realized today, this is one form of therapy. I remember as a kid having to hand wash the fine china.  I hated it!  Today it felt like a form of meditation to me. If my back had not been cranky, I might have actually liked it.  *laugh*

2)  Shane had decided to stop eating his regular dog food.  It had stayed in his bowl for 2 days.  On a whim, I gave him a hot tub cut up with his food. He ate the hot dog and left the kibble.  Little stinker.  So today, I decided to boil some hamburger meat and rice for him.  As I am washing dishes, I am dirtying up 2 more to make him some food.  While the meat is boiling and the rice is making, Shane decides he is finally going to eat the kibble in his bowl.  Seriously?  I guess if he got hungry enough.....  In the man time, I have hamburger meat and brown rice made for him.  And I have given it to him twice today,and both times he has eating it all up.  I guess I will be buying new food for him.  I just hope he likes it. I don't have time to mess around with this since we are going to Florida next week and will have a sitter here.

3)  Therapy with my therapist.   A couple of things needed to be addressed today. It's good to see a therapist on occasion to talk things through.  And let me tell you, my life if filled with things to talk about *laugh*. Anyway, I have known here for a few years now.  She challenged me in a couple of areas today.  Why do I enable my child?  (Good question)  What can I do to find my happy again?  (According to her says its not just Nick's death that has robbed me of my happy... I have been "lost" for a while now...its been building up.) Huh... now that I look at it, I suppose she is right.  I don't know if it started with the head injury or the back surgery.  But I do know that I have not been the same and have been trying to find my way back since back surgery.  But even with the head injury, I have had a personality change and maybe that has affected some things?  I don't know, but it is certainly worth taking a better look at.  She also suggested that we use this trip to Florida as a way of putting the grief and sadness to bed.  Go to Florida, cry where we need to cry but let it be a time of happy memories of Nick and a celebration and when we come home, focus on moving forward.  It's been 6 months.  (This one is hard for me.  What do I lose in "letting go" of Nick?  Is it too soon? I just don't know.  There is grief and then there is suffering.  I really think I had a delayed reaction to my grief...because I spent the better part of the 6 months keeping an eye on my family and helping them through it....and now they are through it, I am crashing.  I don't think I have been grieving for 6 months. I almost feel like I am just starting the process.  So ya.......I don't know.)  She suggested that I find something that (not her words) gives me purpose.  I seem to be living on a set schedule and not doing something for me (I don't know how to word it).  But I thought that is what I was doing with the exercising and the weight watchers meetings.  I thought this was my way of finding my happy again..cause when I was doing this in 2011/12 that is when I was truly the happiest I have ever been with myself.    I'm a work in progress.  I'll get this figured out.

4) Today Omi and I finally got to go roller skating at the Rollerdrome!  It was just the two of us.  Her boyfriend didn't go.  We got to have some fun girl time today. She showed me how much she has progressed in her backwards skating. She actually did a race today (though she didn't not actually race....she was a much better skater than anyone else at the starting line) and she won.  Then she told me to go to race.  18 and up.  Yipes. I have not speed skated since I bonked my head in January of 2013.  I have only been on my skates once since then, and that was just 2 weeks ago.  But I took a deep breath and I went out there.  On the line were people who could barely skate as well as some pretty decent skaters. Since I was last on the line, I did not get the optimal spot in line.  I got middle of the pack.  Yuck!  The guy to my right jumped the gun and then fell right in front of me just as the word "go" was shouted. I was at a major disadvantage!  I had to wait to get around him before I could start running on my skates.  To the left of me, women were tripping, he was on the ground in front of me to the right of me there were young 18 year old boys falling.  I hate the middle of the pack!  I made it through and busted out of the pack. I left the men/boys/women behind in the dust.  It was just me and one other mom.  She was on blades.  I quickly caught up to her and was on her tail. We passed her daughter who was screaming, "Mom you have to go faster she is right behind you!"  The last turn and I whipped out from behind her and sprinted my way to the finish line.  I think it was a tie.  But the guy watching gave the win to her.  All I do know is that she almost fell at the finish line and I had to turn around and hold my hand out to her so she could steady herself and not fall.  *laugh*  It was fun. I'm glad I put myself on the line tonight!  I also got to jam skate tonight for the first time since I bonked my head.  That was so much fun.  I forgot what it was like to lose myself in music and dance on my skates!  Not a care in the world..they all just disappear when I'm on skates!  Skate therapy is the best kind!  I had a glimmer of the old me.  I had a glimmer of what Naomi and I used to have at the skating rink before boys entered the picture...before teenager years entered the picture.  We would skate and laugh. Omi used to think I was the best thing on 8 wheels, and tonight she was telling me how much she used to love to watch me race and beat everyone on the line at every race and how proud she was that I played derby (if even for just a few short months).  We laughed and danced and had a great time.  Just what the therapist ordered!

It's been a day of lots of tears.  Everything is finalizing for Nick's graduation.  I am getting mails from the registrar explaining how the seating will be.  We will be in the VIP seating for Graduation (not with the crowd). We will have our own escorts.  Suzy will have her own escort to the stage to walk for Nick to receive his diploma.  The plaque that goes with the donation made in his name will be placed in the physics department (per his Deans and mentors) and there is decisions to be made about that... do we want an unveiling or dedication?  All of these things are finalizing right now, and every email I get sends me into tears.

Roller coaster of a day, but its all good.  I'm grateful for amazing friends who use their talents to help me...who kidnap me for Sushi therapy...who make me laugh. I'm grateful for laughter with Omi girl.  I'm grateful for kisses from my hubby.  I'm grateful for the smile on Nate's face.  I'm grateful for a dog who loves me unconditionally. I'm grateful for grump cat who is finally beginning to be not so grumpy. I'm grateful for the love and support of so many people.  I'm grateful for the smile on Suzy's face when she is with her beau.

Apirl 26, 2015 Fat Shaming In My Dreams.....

The struggle is real, people!!!

I have been having a bunch of very vivid dreams lately.  Some tons of fun; some are heart breaking.  Then there is part of this morning's dream.  I was sort of standing sideways in a door, not even all the way in a door.  I was talking to a friend of mine who had just had a baby.  Her husband had been sent out to get her "donut" to sit on.  (I should state that this couple is super fit and ripped.)  So I am standing in the door way talking to her as she was trying to get settled and her husband came in.  He was trying to get through the door.  There was PLENTY of room in this door way for both of us.  PLENTY OF ROOM.  Instead he looked over his shoulder at me with a disgusted look on his face and he squished the front of his body up against the door jam in front of him and "struggled" to get the donut to his wife.  There was plenty of space between us.  But he made it seem like I was so fat there was not enough room.  I wasn't even in the door way all the way.  Man I felt like a fat blob of shit!

Then the dream shifted to something even more disturbing......

My friend was telling me that my daughter in law's new boyfriend (in my dream) was in the process of looking for this woman that he used to have the hots for.  He is convinced there is something there.  He doesn't care that he is dating my daughter in law or how much it might hurt her; he feels as though he is supposed to be looking up this other woman to give them another chance.  I have no idea what his real relationship with my daughter in law is.. other than they have been seeing each other.  I was mad.  I want to protect her from further pain and loss.  Then I walk into her room, and there I find all of the scrap book pages from her life with Nick.  She had taken all of the pictures from her life with Nick and put them out and to the side.  She was cleaning Nick out of her life.  And this is how I woke up this morning.  Happy Sunday to me!

It has been a rough couple of days with some greatness thrown in there just to keep me sane.  I have truly enjoyed having Breezy and Jared here visiting. I am THRILLED that they are now engaged to be married.  I'm super happy we got to celebrate that special time in their lives with them.  We have had a great visit with them. We even got to go out to the desert and shoot their guns.  We had a great time.  But in between the greatness in my quiet alone moments, I feel sad.

In general I have this feeling that "things just aren't right".  There is nothing that I can really put a finger on.  However, there have been a a couple of specific things that have really got me reeling and trying to figure out how to work this life I have now.

Here's the thing.  Being a grieving mom is hard.  There are so many emotions at any given time.  Keeping myself in one piece is hard enough.  Then there are the individual people in my family.  As mom, it has always been my job to care for those in my family when they are hurting.  When my child is hurt, I am there to hold them and comfort them.  But this is the biggest "boo boo" I have ever had to deal with.  And, of course, life doesn't make anything easy, simple or straight forward.  There are always other factors to complicate the matter.  Just when you think "Okay we got the grief monster at bay and everyone is moving forward", something else comes around the corner that threatens the sanity of my children and of myself.  Then there is my husband.  He is grieving too.  He has work that stresses him out.  He has a wife who is grieving.  And there are things that  happen in our home that he is not happy about.  And I am doing my best to keep it all balanced out.  I have always felt like it has been my job to keep this family unity together and connected and loving and supportive.  Work and bringing in the money has been Tracy's job.... the family unity, the feeling in the house, the children's lives.. has been mine.   Now with the death of Nick, I feel like everything is coming unravelled.  I feel like potential decisions that we make are weighted more heavily now.  What might have seemed like a good idea before Nick's death, seems like a HORRIBLE idea now.  Yet, there are changes that need to be made.  How do you make those changes while everyone is delicately walking this balance beam of grief?

I have already talked about decisions... yet here I am again.. looking at decisions in parenting and wondering which way to turn, what is right, how will this affect not just one person in the family, but the family structure as a whole?  Will a decision push an individual over the edge, even if you think that decision is the right decision?  We are, after all, still parents to children who need guidance in this world.  My head in spinning. My heart is heavy.  I wish I knew what the right thing was.  I wish I knew what the right words were.  I wish I knew how to make life easier.  I wish I could take away all the pain, all the addiction, all the bad choices, all the nightmares, all the anxiety, all the anger..I wish I could take all of it away.  I wish the innocence of my family could be returned.  Heck, I would be happy with one challenge at a time.

Being a grieving parent is hard enough.  Being a grieving parent helping the rest of the family work through grief is even more difficult.  My biggest fear:  That my family unit will fall apart from grief... from decision made either from grief or while grieving.  That not only have I lost Nick to death, but in grieving from his death, my family disintegrates from the pain of it all and I lose everything and everyone.  That is my biggest fear.

April 24, 2015 All Or Nothing?

So last night as I was drifting off to sleep I started blogging in my head.  I guess this is what happens when I don't blog for the day.  My brain does it anyway.

I started thinking about the "All or Nothing" mentality and the "Addictive Personality".  I am no therapist and I have never read anything on this.  But I wonder if the two are related.  I would think they are.  I know I have an addictive personality; I also know that I am an all or nothing type of girl.  It affects several parts of my life.

The way I eat is affected by this.  I have addictions to certain foods.  Every time I give them up.. after months or maybe even a year, I think:  "I can have just one."  But one turns into doing it every single day sometimes multiple times.  Then the next thing I know, I am fighting with everything I have to quit the habit again.

I am this way with relationships... okay maybe not.  Maybe not with relationships but with certain aspects of relationships.  Either tell me EVERYTHING or tell me NOTHING (not even a hint).  Other wise, giving me a little bit of information leads me to the feeling that you have left something out leads me to destructive obsessive behavior.

I do this with exercise.  If I am going to run, gosh darn it, it won't be a 5K, it will be a marathon.  If I am going to train for a cycling event, it won't be  a 25 mile ride, it will be a 400 mile ride in a week's time frame.  If I am going to take a burlesque workshop, it won't be just for fun, I am going to perform!  Okay.... with that said, I have done lots of 5Ks and I didn't start out with Marathons.  But now if given a choice in a particular racing event, I will typically go for the furthest distance possible.  Why?  I think I suffer from the "I don't want to be left out" syndrome.    I am learning to tame this; Naomi is helping me with that.  But even without races to train for; now that I am back to exercising, it is all or nothing.  I have to exercise every day or I feel like I will stop and do nothing every day after that.  It's all or nothing.  I am afraid to take a rest day, and if I do, its yoga.. something gentle.

This time around in Weight Watchers, I actually didn't do an "all or nothing" method.  Last time, I gave up diet cokes and chocolate donuts all in one fell swoop on day one.  And I didn't have them for a year.   (Okay, I might have had a diet coke..but not the donuts.)    But this time, I told myself I have enough on my plate with healing from grief that I don't need to give up this addiction in one fell swoop....I need to be gentle with myself and do what I think I can do that won't stress me out on top of everything else.   That action shows that I have learned a few things over the years and have grown.  But I tell you, it was a struggle in my head.  I have now given up the donuts, but I'm still drinking diet cokes.  Maybe that will go away.. maybe it won't.

The same thing with alcohol.  Though I have never been addicted to alcohol, since Nick's death, I have had more than my share.  I would like to think it was all just social.  But I can honestly say that some (if not alot) was done in an effort to numb the pain (never a good idea).  As soon as my friend Randy heard that Nick had died she told me to journal every day and do not drink.  LOL.  Ya.... drinking was pretty much the first thing I did.  I LOVE good beer.  And I miss it.  I also love good wine.  And don't get me started on rum.  But, I have had more than my share of alcohol since Nick's death.  I have decided to give it ALL up.  Again.. "all or nothing".  Why?  People ask me that question alot.  "Why did you stop drinking?"  I can't say that its forever.  I just think that it contributed alot to my recent weight gain.  I also think that I was using it too much as medication.  I also think that in the last (almost 6 months) I have spent more time at least a little tipsy than I ever have since I started drinking at 25 years old.  So, All Or Nothing.... I gave it up, at least for a couple of months.  And with Jared and Breezy here this weekend, I really want to drink, but I know this is not the best idea.  So I won't.  I have goals, and booze just gets in the way.

This morning, I woke up feeling kind of depressed.  Yesterday was a beautiful bike riding day and I felt pretty good.  I had a good couple of days.  But this morning, I woke up feeling depressed.  I am dealing with stuff again.  One of the things I have challenges with is validation.  When I am down (for any reason) I have this constant need to be validated as a woman.  I want to be told how amazing I am.  I want to be told how beautiful I am.  I want to hear this from several different sources.  My husband tells me this all of the time.  I know I have friends who's husbands don't ever tell them this and they tell me I am lucky.  But, honestly, sometimes I just feel like he has to tell me that cause he is married to me and because he does it automatically without thinking about it.  The truth of the matter is, I don't FEEL these things.  And even though I crave hearing this from other people, I KNOW that the only way to FEEL this way is to feel it from inside... not from hearing it from outside.    And when I am feeling down about things (that don't even have anything to do with my self-esteem....like Nick's death) it doesn't make a difference, I CRAVE hearing and feeling these things from other people.    Yes, this is a dangerous path to go down, and its one I have been down before.  This is not new to me.  But it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way and dealing with it is rather difficult and painful.  I keep finding things to validate myself with.  But I honestly think its a dopamine thing...that rush you get when someone tells you how beautiful, smart, sexy, talented you are.   So ya, this morning I woke up feeling this way again.  I don't like it.  So I went to a pole dancing class with Breezy.   What I found?  I am stronger than I think I am.  My body moves in ways that I didn't know it moved.  It naturally moves in ways that are sexy, and I said to myself, "When did that happen?"  I saw glimpses of a person I used to be and used to feel like.  I miss her.  THAT IS WHO I AM CRAVING!  That empowered, sexy, vixen in the mirror that can saunter around a pole and spin and move like a tiger on the prowl....that is who I miss.  I hope she comes back soon.

I feel as though Michaeleen Blair didn't just kill my son, but she killed a part of me that I am trying to resuscitate back to life.  I am doing things and making choices that I think will be awesome and find out, "uggg... not so great."  Then there are other things that happen that I didn't know I wanted to have happen that turn out great and I want more of, but it seems to be a one time scenario and leaves me wanting more and feeling unfulfilled.  My life is off kilter.  It's like I see a glimmer of what my life used to be and then I blink and it is gone.  Life is a tease.  I feel happiness in a moment, but then it is gone the next.  I am grateful for those glimmers because they give me some hope. And its that hope that I cling on to with a death grip that one day, I will be resurrected not as the old me but as a stronger, more grounded, wiser new me.

April 22, 2015 Feeling a Bit Better Today

I woke up this morning to the birds singing outside of my window.  Man do they start early!!!  There is this one bird that nests in the trees in my back yard neighbor's.  It has a very distinct call.  I noticed it a couple of days ago while I was resting in the hammock.  And this morning, I woke up to it singing again.  I have never heard a bird's call like that.  NEVER.    Anyway, I woke up with a lighter heart today.

I don't know if it is a result of my blogging yesterday, and letting off some steam.  Or if it was the evening walk with Tracy last night (much needed).  Or if it was the blurry happy dream that I had last night.  I have no idea, but I am grateful.

Actually, I do know a few reasons why I am feeling lighter today, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention them.

Planning this trip to Florida is bitter sweet and a bit stressful.  I am a planner.  I am a HUGE planner.  I need things planned and in concrete before I can rest easy.  We are just 2 weeks away, and a HUGE part of our trip had not been nailed down yet.  I had been trying to get with our friend to make plans, but unlike me, he is a last minute kind of guy...even when he knows months ahead of time.  *laugh*  You can imagine how those personality traits mesh when trying to plan a trip.  *laugh*  Anyway, we finally talked yesterday and confirmed that he was indeed going to take care of that end of the trip.   He may still wait till the last minute to take care of it, but now that it is confirmed that it is no longer *my* issue to plan, I am feeling much better.  I know he will take care of it, and that gives me some peace.

The other thing I am grateful for is a very special gift from a very special friend.   In yesterday's blog I posted about the Thumbies I needed to order.  I talked about the financial "worry" with ordering them, but in my head my biggest obstacle was the finality of what I would feel when I ordered them.  Though the financial "worry" was a bit heavy on my shoulders, probably more than I realized.  Anyway, a very special friend sent me a message and said they wanted to take care of this for us. They had wanted to help back in November when we needed help moving and couldn't then but can now and would not take no for an answer.  I am grateful beyond measure.  I just cried when I received the message.

If there is one thing I have learned through all of this, is that I have some of the most amazing friends in the world.  They come visit me when they know I am in deep emotional doo-doo, the amount of money donated to help Suzy and the family out when Nick died was incredible, the food brought to my family while I was away was a huge blessing, the belly dance costumes given to my daughters when they were so very sad lifted their spirits, the emotional support via the Internet has kept me moving, and I have friends that find things that will make amazing costumes for burlesque and send them to me.  Seriously.  I am blessed beyond measure and I am grateful for you ALL!!!!

So I had a memory of Nick the other day... and it has taken me all morning to bring that memory back up to share.

Shortly after we moved here, Tracy decided we would buy an old beater Toyota truck for Nick.  They would work on it together to fix it up and he would have a car to drive.  We bought it, towed it home.  Then realized it just wasn't worth the money or time to fix it.  It had electrical issues.  So we junked the truck.  A few years later, Tracy bought an old Dodge Ram Charger with tax refund money.  He was so excited to own what he called a "bubba truck".

It wasn't long until Tracy needed to put a new engine in the truck.  He ordered it on line and had it shipped to our friends house who used to be a mechanic and had the tools.  Tracy, Nick, Cody, and I think it was Melissa spent a day working on this truck with our friend.  It was Nick's first real mechanic experience.  We had no idea back then that Nick would end up working as a mechanic to help pay his way through school.  I know Tracy was frustrated with the kids that day (cause teenagers will be teenagers) but I also know that it was a great memory for both Tracy and Nick.

Of course, it was a few years later that that truck saved Nick's life.

Nick's first real car was a $500 Subaru wagon that he paid for himself.  He bought it from my business partner/friend.  It was a clunker, but he loved that thing.   For some reason, "Smurf" (the blue Subaru) would not start so Nick took Tracy's truck to school.  He left early in the morning, we were still in bed.  He turned right off of our street and onto Victory Road.  I have no idea what he was doing or why he couldn't see.  I want to say that the windshield had not defrosted enough yet, and the sun was rising and his vision was blocked.  But whatever the reason, he rear ended a flat bed truck and completely totaled the Bubba Truck.  We got a phone call from Nick that he had been in an accident, we threw clothes on and ran down the street.  He wasn't even a quarter mile from the house.  We were a total wreck.  But so grateful Nick was alive. Had he been in Smurf, he would have been decapitated.  His little wagon, would have gone right under that flat bed.  It was horrible.  So grateful for Bubba Truck for giving us a few more years with Nick..... for giving us the opportunity to see him graduate high school, going off to college, marrying his high school sweet heart, becoming an amazing man, and making a difference in the scientific world.

April 21, 2015 It's been a week

It's been a week since I have posted.  Why?  I wish I could say it was because I was feeling fabulous and oh so busy with amazing things in my life.  Instead.....

Okay, I have been busy.  I work out every single day.  Mon-Fri I am driving Nate back and forth to work most days and I gotta fit my life around his work schedule.  That keeps me pretty busy.  Then there is making dinner and lunches and eating healthy which seems like a full time gig.  But mostly, I have been struggling... HARD.

I am tired of listening to myself talk about all of this.  So I stopped blogging for the week.  What I have been going through has been intensely personal (and shocker) pretty private.  I haven't even been talking to my close friends.  I have pretty much just kept everything to myself.  I think it is pretty fair to say that I am officially depressed.

I have been doing my best to be healthy, make healthy choices, and keep moving forward.  The problem is, my head and my heart keep looking backwards.  I close my eyes and I see Nick in a casket.  I let my mind wander and I visualize his accident and him laying lifeless on the cement with people standing over him trying to help him.  Suzy hasn't been home much.  She has been spending alot of time with her beau.  While I am happy that she has someone that makes her smile; I am having a very difficult time with this.  I get sad at the thought of losing her on top of losing Nick.  I also get very protective of her; I don't want anyone taking advantage of her.  Tracy has been VERY busy at work both during work hours and at home.  I am having a very difficult time finding my own self worth.  I don't know WHY this is happening or if it even has anything to do with the grief process but it sucks and is not helping matters.  What I really want to do is curl up in a dark cave and not come out (but that really isn't an option).  My nightmares are back and oh so much fun (not).  Some are about me losing Tracy (in one way or another) and some are about losing Nick all over again or having to tell people that he is dead.  None of them are fun.

I just want to laugh.  I am not a fan of this person I am right now.  I miss the happy optimistic joy filled person I used to be  I feel like now that my kids seem to be getting better, I am now crashing down.

There are these things called Thumbies that you can order when a loved one dies.  They are thumb prints taken before your loved one is cremated or buried.  The funeral home keeps them in storage for 6 months.  The plan was to get these for everyone.  We have yet to get them.  We have been busy trying to get on with the business of life and getting finances back on track and saving trying to get ready for Florida for Nick's graduation.  I have less than a month to get these ordered. Suzy got hers ordered today.  The whole idea of calling the funeral home to order them makes me want to cry.  To  me it is too damn real.  It's like I am in denial.  If I don't call and order his thumb prints, maybe he is still alive, just somewhere else where I can't see him.  Finally, I decided to make the call today.  The funeral home was closed for the day.  I guess I'll do it tomorrow.  I don't know if I have the money for them, but I am doing it anyway..because it is a necessity.  But the thought of them......the thought of them.....  It's just too much.

We leave for Florida on May 7th.  (You can do the math.)  A good friend of mine asked me if I was emotionally ready for the trip.  That's a great question. How does one emotionally prepare to fly to Florida to watch your daughter in love walk across the university stage to receive your dead son's diploma?  How do you emotionally prepare to visit the memorial site created where he was killed?  How do you emotionally prepare for getting off of the airplane in Orlando and find yourself face to face with memories that will forever haunt you?  Is there some kind of armor I can wear to keep these things from affecting me?  What about armor for my family?

Another good friend of mine says she is afraid I will come unravelled after the graduation.  Like I have been keeping it together until this particular weekend comes and goes... and then all of a sudden I will crash.  I think I am already becoming unravelled.  Do I need therapy?  Maybe?  Do I need a grief support group?  Maybe.  I was going to go to one, but kept forgetting since it only meets once a month.  I was hoping Weight Watcher meetings would help, but  I realize I don't talk about what happened there, even today when I said I was lucky to even lose weight this week and the substitute leader (who has no clue what has happened) asked if I needed a group hug.  The answer was yes, but I am afraid to talk about it.  Do I need antidepressants?  I think maybe.  I am not a big fan of anti-depressants for me.  I have tried them and have not had great results. Prozac makes me numb and uncreative.  Wellbutrin makes me an angry bitch (we already know I have anger issues...probably no the thing I need before going to Florida where the woman who killed my son lives.)

So ya....  See.  My blog... no so up lifting and inspirational, and quit frankly I am tired of hearing myself talk about it.  So if I am tired, I can only imagine what other people are feeling.    That and I don't want to upset my family, and it is for that reason, this blog will be posted on facebook with "blocks" so that my family won't see it being posted.  (They don't follow my blog automatically.)

Anyway...here is a picture....

April 14, 2015 Different Emotions Twisted Into Strands of Rope I Call Grief

I swear that sometimes I feel so bipolar.  I am positive that my blog reads like I am bipolar.  One day (or week) I'm up and happy and positive and next I'm brooding and plotting the demise of someone.  There really is no middle ground for me. I wish there was.  I have never been this UP and DOWN so much in my entire life.  It is very unsettling.  No one knows who or what they are going to get with me these days.  

Right now, I feel as though I have a bunch of different emotions like individual strands and they are twisted around each other to form some kind of strong rope that I call grief.  I can't just pull one emotion out of the twisted up mess;  if I do, it all comes unravelled.  Unfortunately, those emotions are all connected with events and people.  I need to work on some things on some events and I can't because pulling that one thread out feels as though it's going to unravel this thing that keeps me pulled together.  (If Grief is something that can keep me pulled together.)  My feelings and emotions about different people get all kinds of mixed up and warped in this haze that is called grief and I don't know how to separate them out. I try hard to keep grief separate from everything else, but unfortunately, it is a big part of what is going on in my life right now.

I am just about finished reading Jim Rhon's book The Five Major Pieces of the Life Puzzle.  It was a great book, and it was perfect timing for starting back on the Weight Watchers program.  However, I feel like I read it and the "old me" understands it, but the "new me...the grieving me" goes.. "Uhh..ya...about that."  See here's the deal.  Rohn says it's easy to change your attitude.  Just be happy (or don't).  It's simple.  I think it IS simple when you are not grieving.  I used to live like that all the time.  But what about the grieving mom? How does a grieving mom go from grief to happy in a change of thought?  Can I just "be happy" without feeling grief?  Is that possible?  What happens to the process of healing in this case?  If I just "be happy", am I stuffing my pain and ignoring it?  That can't be healthy.   So ya.. reading the book was a great idea and had some great insights, but I have some very real stuff going on in my life.  

I'm not unhappy with my life (in general).  I am just grieving; and things get complicated when you grieve.  Relationships can get weird.  I know I have hurt people. I know I have said things in my blog that have hurt people.  And I feel like shit about that.  Grief is no reason to hurt people (even if it's unintentional).  Grief pushes the people who don't know how to deal with me and grief away.  Grief puts extra stress on marriages. Grief puts extra stress on lots of relationships.  And how the heck do I juggle all of this?  How the hell do I pull just one strand out to work on it when I feel like they are all woven together by grief now.  Maybe my friends who have kept their distance are smart...they have not been touched/hurt by my grief.

Anyway, today was one of those days where I woke up from nightmares.  Tracy woke up in the middle of the night/early morning cause he couldn't sleep and he went in the other room.  I was afraid he was leaving me.  I was scared.  I had more nightmares.  I have a real sense of fear of losing people in my life now.  I feel like I am losing friends.  I feel like people are disappearing from my life.  This morning I woke up crying.  I just want my life back.  I want my son back.  That's not going to happen..at last my son anyway. I will eventually get my life back (or accept the one I have anyway). I went to the gym today and threw the 10# medicine ball at the rebounder pretending the rebounder was Blair.  It helped a bit.  I went to my Weight Watcher's meeting and found that I lost 4.2#.  This should have made me happy, but I just felt empty and sad.  Part of me said, "It should have been 5#".  Really? 4.2 is an excellent number.  

Going into my WW meetings is very hard.  Back in 2011, when I started WW, I was happy, optimistic and always talkative and part of the conversation in meetings.  Now I am quiet and don't want to say anything.  Then I feel self conscious.  Some of these people have known me for years. I feel like there is an obvious change in my demeanor and none of them know why.  I feel like people are watching me.  One couple said, "We were just talking about you and missing you.  I just said, 'Where is that woman who was always looking for an accident?'"  (When I belonged to WW in 2011/12/13 I had knee surgery, head injury, and back surgery.)  She had no idea what happened to Nick.  But all I could say (doing my best not to cry) was "No more accidents for me."  It's hard to go to these meetings.  

It took everything I had to go to my belly dance class today.  I just wanted to sit at home and cry. I have cried in my car alot today.  Suzy showed me the settlement checks as she was leaving to deposit them.  I cried.  Those checks....those checks....is that what Nick was worth?  Is that all his life was worth?  It just seems so unfair.  And then there is the "finality" of this business.  

People are worried about how we will handle life once "the business" of Nick's death is finished.  We have one last thing... his graduation in a couple of weeks.  People are worried that I will truly lose it then.  And I just might.  Who knows.  What I do know is that right now I am an emotional basket case, but I am doing my very best to take care of me.  I am eating right (for the most part).  I gave up alcohol.  I am exercising and making huge progress in my speed and endurance.  I'm reading self-help books.  I'm doing my best.  And today, I picked up a friend's two books that she wrote after the death of her son.  I will start reading those tomorrow.  Books to help with my grief.  

Anyway... it's been a day.  I'm ready for it to be over with.  

April 10 - 13, 2015 Thoughts..They Are Swirling...

Yes... so this blog is gonna be 4 days worth. Sorry.  But I don't think it will be that long.  There really hasn't been so much going on that I needed to blog about it.  Though I have been busy.

Let's just start with April 10th, the 5 month anniversary of Nick's death.  Appropriately, that was the day that the Senior Projects at FIT were put on display for judging.  A friend of Nick's sent me a picture of his poster.  It was his lightening project on Sprites that he did with his other lab mates.  But to see his name on the poster.. well it made me happy and cry at the same time.  He worked hard on that; I wish he could have stuck around to see the results of his hard work.  Then later that day, Suzy sent me a message that said she heard from the lawyers.  Everything is done with probate, settlement is on the way.  Interesting that that happened on the 10th.  We knew the court date to settle it all was the day before...but to get that phone call on the 10th.... well...appropriate is the right word I guess.

Th 11th was Race Day for me and Omi.  We did the Lake Lowell 10K.  We decided to do a shorter distance because:  1) Omi has never done a 10K as a race and 2) Omi needed a break after the last 1/2 marathon that was filled with hills, rain and cold.   This 10K was in the same general area of the last race, but I knew the 10K would be a little flatter course.  It started with a fun down hill, but since this was an out and back course, that meant our finishing steps would be trudging back UP that fun down hill.  *laugh*  We ran down that hill to start.. wheeeeeeeeee!!!  That is not what we said climbing back up the hill.  *laugh*  But in between our visits to that hill, our race was alot of fun.  We danced and sang. For the first time ever, Omi greeted and cheered on the other racers that were coming back our direction while finishing their races.  She had a smile on her face most of the way.  We almost got taken out by 2 separate cars, which was pretty scary.  We held hands.  We laughed.  We had a great time!  I think maybe 10K is Omi's race.  I have to say.  We were not in the complete back of the pack for this race and since it was only 1 of the 4 different races going on that day, we came across the finish line while there were still people at the line.  People were actually cheering us on as we came across.  I mean there was an actual crowd!  That was a completely different experience for both of us! The band was still there playing.  The beer truck was still there (though I am no longer drinking).  And there was a whole bunch of food left; Omi was thrilled to get some soup on this cold rainy day.  It was a fantastic experience!  I think maybe we will stick to 10Ks for a while; unless Omi wants to do longer races.

Yesterday with the 12th.  Tracy and I got to sleep in, which was nice.  Then he was back to work. He works all day at work during the week and then comes home and works most nights and weekends.  I don't really get to see him very much.  (This is a whole different issue.)  Anyway, he went to work.  I finally did some self care and took car of my feet and repainted my toenails.  I have been wanting to do that for a while now.  You may not think that is blog worthy, but oh.... it is!    *laugh*  Then Omi and I were off to grocery shop.  Seriously.  I shopped for about 4 days worth of food (well some of the fruits and veggies will last longer than that) but it cost $126.  To be fair that included $10 in Guinea pig necessities and TP.  *laugh*  But still.....it was very little processed food. No wonder America has a weight issue. Fruits, veggies, milk, eggs, bread, and meat is expensive!     After the grocery store, Tracy was still working and I had a couple of hours to myself.  I went to visit a friend whom I have been trying to arrange time to see.  I haven't seen him in nearly 2 years, but ever since Nick's accident, he has been pretty present in my life via text and has really made me smile on some pretty harsh days.  So finally yesterday, we both had some time.  I went over and we hung out and watched stupid comedy shows and I laughed so hard.  It was nice just to hang out with someone who is not wrapped up in the grief of it all or my day to day life, but who understands and gives me space to laugh and give me a break.  Then it was home to make a healthy dinner (Greek turkey sandwiches) and then off to burlesque where we got to laugh some more!  It was a great way to end the weekend.

So here we are at today.. the 13th.  It's early..like 8:23 am.  Not much has happened today.  I took Omi to school and I'm sitting on my couch in my PJs under a fuzzy blanket.  But I wanted to get the blogging done and get some thoughts out of my head.  It has been a very rough couple of weeks for various reasons.  Lots of little things and a few big things can make a happy life turn into a huge hurricane of turmoil.  Grief is polarizing.  It can make you feel bipolar.  Seriously.  When challenges come your way, they seem huge and insurmountable.  It makes you feel like you are going to snap in half and like you just can't breath and like you are going to implode or explode at any moment.  It can also take the fun and cool things and make you feel like you are on the top of the world (I think that is from the relief and release from the sadness that grief brings you). You really do feel like you are in one extreme or the other. There is not much middle ground when it comes to living life with grief.  

That polarizing effect is probably why they tell you not to make decisions while you are still grieving.  *laugh*  Now I get it; I really get it!

But this blog isn't about decisions; or maybe it is (only because every action we take is based on some kind of decision that we make throughout the day, right?)

Anyway,  These last couple of weeks have been harsh.  Like I said before, Tracy is working pretty much non stop and its has been very very stressful.  He hasn't really stopped working to grieve.  He fits grief into work (and there is really no room for it there).  When stress happens at work, it is amplified because of the grief.  He also doesn't take vacation or time off.  He is maxed out on his vacation hours and just keeps working.  He took time off when Nick died to go to Florida but that wasn't a vacation.  He is taking time off when we go to Florida for graduation, but that is NOT a vacation; it will be very hard.  He took a day off when Angie was here, but again, that is not a vacation.  And as this is my blog and about me, I tend to start to feel a bit neglected and left alone.  I know he works hard and I'm grateful for all that he does.  I know he is exhausted.  But when the only time he takes off is for family emergencies or when a friend comes into town and he doesn't take time off to just spend with me or the family, and when he works all the the time, or when he is does take off we just sit and watch TV, I do start to feel a bit neglected.  And when he works this hard and is this stressed....it just makes matters worse.  Even if he isn't actually working, his mind is thinking and stressing about work.    Sometimes I think people at work forget that Tracy lost his son 5 months ago.  "Business goes on."  Well ya know what, Tracy lost his son.. you should be making life EASIER on him, not the other way around!  On the flip side, Tracy should be able to say, "I need time off."  He feels like everything rests on his shoulders.   I feel so much compassion for him.  I wish I could help take some of that weight off of him.  Then there is the ever present polarizing grief that permeates just about everything and makes things so much bigger all the time.  

Trying to navigate life while navigating grief is a journey in and of itself.  Trying to navigate a marriage while dealing with the loss of a child is not easy.  Each of us runs our own cycle of grief.  Each of us deal with our individual lives and our own grief.  Then we have the life we live together and the grief we share together. It's hard to explain.  It's kind of a "his, hers and ours" kind of thing.  And doing all of this, and remaining a strong, happy married couple can be a challenge.   Grief definitely has a way of testing your limits on EVERYTHING, and one wrong move and everything can get screwed up and off kilter.  It can be something small, but with grief that small thing can look like Mt Everest!

So ya.... these last few weeks have been difficult.  But I realize the best thing I can do for myself is take care of myself.  I can be here for Tracy.  I can give him the space he needs to deal with things at work.  I can fill my time with taking care of me... reading, working out, cooking, being creative.  If I can keep myself happy or at least moving in the happy direction, it will give me the strength to deal with the other things and maybe keep the polarizing effects of grief at bay or equalized.  That is all I can do. That is all I can control. I  can't control anything else in my life.

So right now, I am grateful for the courage it has taken me to get my shit together.  I'm grateful for clarity in my life.  I'm grateful that this weekend, Tracy and I were able to find some quality time to reconnect.  I am grateful that my kids all seem to be in a good and healthy place.  I am grateful that Nate has a job that makes him happy.  I am grateful for friends who make me laugh.  I'm grateful for my Burlesque sisters who have given me some very special gifts.  I'm grateful for my Belly Dance Sisters who always make me smile when we are together.  I'm grateful for the bonus kids in my life who come through my doors and remind me how much I love having young people in my life.  I'm grateful for Shane the Dog who gives me lots of hugs.  I'm grateful that Strips the Cat has not cried and howled for the last couple of nights so I can get some sleep.  And I'm grateful for the beautiful day that is today.  I'm grateful for life.

April 9, 2015 Mountain Therapy

Today is such a beautiful day!!!!

Suzy and I headed out to hike.  I gave her a couple of choices for a 6 mile route.  She chose Corrals which I have not been on since...uhhh......before I started training for the Foot Hills Frenzy in 2013!  That's a long time!  It's been nearly 2 years since I have taken that trail.  Can that be accurate?  Seems crazy to me.

Anyway, once again, I knew it was going to be up hill, but lord oh mighty!  I didn't realize how much climbing there was in the first mile!    I was huffing and puffing like a 70 year old smoker who's been smoking 4 packs a day since she was 10!  Thank god for the down hills!  Doing that trail today reminded me of when I first started climbing.  I am so out of shape.  However, I am out there doing it, and I know that it will only get better.  Nothing is going to stop me from eating mountains for breakfast again!

On the way up to the summit (or rock pile...you choose what to call it), we pretty much had the trail to ourselves.  We came across a couple of people, but it was very quiet.  The stream was running and you could hear the water flowing.  We caught glimpses of little tiny water falls in the stream.  On one side of the canyon the grass was green, but on the other side it was brown and dry but it had flowers!  Crazy!  We stood there for a while looking at that and scratching our head.  Nature is a beautiful and mysterious thing.

It's been a couple of weeks since Suzy and I have been on a hike together or done anything alone.  I have missed hanging out with her.  It was great to hike and visit and talk about life as we know it.  I am happy that she has a beau that makes her happy and that she can make plans with and do things with.  We talked about her plans for the future and what she might like to end up doing and job changes and things.  It's fun to have these conversations with her.  It is always fun to hike and laugh with her and watch her kick my ass on the up hill trails!  I stopped and grabbed a couple of pictures on our hike today.  It was just so pretty up there.  I love spring in the foothills.  Suzy was admiring the pretty green and then said.. I can't wait till summer.  I about died.  "Whattttt????  You want it to be hotter than hell????"  She just wants to wear shorts and get some color on her legs. *laugh*  All I could think about was how early I would have to get up to go hiking cause I don't hike in the extreme heat and beating down sun!

I'm really glad Suzy chose Corrals today. It was a challenging hike.  It was definitely more challenging than the other hikes I had in mind (but then again, my memory can be a bit fuzzy when it comes to these things).

On our way down the mountain we ran into tons of mountain bikers.  I have no idea where they all came from, but boy were there alot. I think some club or something must have hit the trail.  They all greeted us warmly, but I think one of them (with a gorgeous smile) really wanted to stop and flirt with Suzy some.  *laugh*  We were almost down when Suzy offered to take us to lunch at Deli G.. which incidentally I had been thinking about on the way UP the mountain.  *laugh*  Suzy and I tend to do that.. get in each other's head.  And we also had plans to hit up Subspace to check out corsets for her.  So our little hiking adventure was turning into a full blown girl's day with my favorite daughter in love!   Yay!!!!

We finished the 6.33 mile hike in 2 hours and 12 minutes.. a 20:51 pace for climbing and taking pictures without hitting pause (except for up at the top).  I'll take it!  That is the fastest hike I have done in a while!  Woohooo!!! No wonder I was huffing and puffing!

Knowing we were heading to Deli G for lunch, my mind started racing. What am I going to eat and stay on my eating plan?  They have salads, but will I be strong enough to resist the yummy gourmet sandwiches, delicious homemade cookies, and chips?  Would I find myself "rationalizing" my way to foods that I know are not the best choices for my goals?  To top it off.. I was FREEZING and my favorite sandwich was HOT and the salad is COLD and there is no soup option.  With a deep breath, I ordered one of my favorite salads there (stuffed avocado chicken salad).  OMG yummy!!!  Yes, the mayo in the chicken salad was filled with fat.  Yes, the avocado is major points on WW, but in the grand scheme of things, this salad was a much better option than my favorite sandwich cookies and chips.  Especially after yesterday's ice cream cone and Boise Fry Company.  *laugh*  I am very proud of myself for making good choices today, when it could have been so much easier to choose other wise.  In the book I am reading right now, it says (and I'm paraphrasing), "It is easy to make the right choices to help you reach your goal.  The challenge: it is also just as easy to make the other choices that keep you from your goals."  It's all about what is valuable to you; what your personal philosophy is, and your attitude.  Today, what was more valuable to me than an amazing cookie was the health I am gaining and I will only gain that health by making good choices :).  Cookies are good sometimes, but I splurged yesterday. Today, I stay on plan.

Once are tummies were satisfied with amazing goodness, we headed to Subspace to look around.  I feel bad.  I feel like that store owners see me and go.. "There is time wasted." I LOVE that store and LOVE sharing it with other people.  But I rarely buy anything.  1)  I don't fit in most of their clothing.  2)  The pricing there is pretty crazy.  3)  What they sell there is *almost* (if not downright) costume and I don't have a reason to spend that much money on something I am not going to wear any time soon.  *laugh*    With that said, I did find an amazing under bust corset that is PERFECT for the Ren Faire we are belly dancing in.  I actually think it will match a skirt I already own, perfectly.  *sigh*  You see where this is going, right?????  Ya, me too.  Lord help me and the bank account!

Today was an amazing day.  By the time we got home, I was all kinds of smiles.  Mountain therapy, sunshine, amazing food, window shopping and quality time with Susan.  These are the days that really make me smile.  It's the experiences in life that make us rich and today I feel like a millionaire!!!

April 8, 2015 Stop! It's Yoga Time!!!

Okay, so last night was HARSH!!!!!    I spent quite a bit of time really going through some horrible things that I apparently needed to go through.  These include reliving memories of Nick's accident and reliving a rape.  Gratefully Tracy was there with me to hold me while I heaved and cried and wailed and flailed.  Sleeping was very restless last night.  Tracy didn't get to sleep either; he was too busy playing sentinel while I slept and holding me to make sure I was comforted at all times.

Getting up this morning was no pleasant thing, but it had to be done.  I had a serious headache.  My sinus cavity was congested from all of the crying.  All I wanted to do was curl back up in bed and have Tracy hold me all day.  I knew Tracy had to go to work, so I decided to let Nate drive the car to work and said "Fuck my decision to eat healthy and work out!  I'm gonna lay on the couch under the blankets and eat crap all day and feed my emotions."

After I took Omi to school, I crawled back in bed with Tracy.  I had fully intended to go back to my couch after getting Tracy to work.  We laid in bed for a while and I let Tracy hold me some more. I just needed to be held.  I needed the memories... the feelings.. the pain to stop.  I could not function.  I did not want "to adult" today. I did not think I had it in me.  The couch was a beautiful siren singing to me today.

I drove Tracy to work.  Still my head hurt.  Still I heard the song of the siren, but I was beginning to come out of it.  The real me was starting to wake up and say, "You have to this!!!  You can't just give in to the demons!  Make better decisions!"

I came home from dropping Tracy off.  I changed into work out clothes.  I put on my shoes.  I pulled out the Zumba and Yoga videos.  I dug the yoga mat out of the garage. I got my book ready to read.  I filled up my water bottle and I started a load of laundry.  This is how I was going to spend my day!!!

I did 45 minutes of Zumba on the Wii and broke out into a crazy sweat!  I actually enjoyed Zumba for the first time since I bonked my head in 2013.  I drank a full liter of water while doing Zumba and had to refill my bottle.  Then I unrolled my mat and put in the Yoga DVD.  It was only 15 minutes long.  I chose the "inspirational message" version and had no clue what it would say.  What I found was my heart opening and releasing grief.  By the time I was done with my 15 minutes of yoga and movement and meditation, I was in tears from the release.  This is exactly what I needed after last night.

Feeling great after the work out, I put away laundry, changed the load from washer to dryer, made my healthy lunch and sat down to eat while I watched some lame stupid TV show that I couldn't even finish.  And now.. here I sit getting caught up on blogging before I start reading my book.

So far.. so good.  New decisions being made.  Better life choices being made.  Allowing myself to feel and cry and release.  Not letting obstacles get in my way or the couch suck me in... or facebook for that matter.

Yay me!

April 7, 2015 Life Is What We Make It........

... or something like that.

Okay, so this blog is a day late (again).  Hey!  I was busy!

So a couple of nights ago, after blogging about "making decisions", I was doing alot of thinking and taking inventory of my decisions in life.  I have made LOTS of decisions in life.. some amazing.. some that leave me thinking, "What the......"  But no matter what decisions I make there is ALWAYS something valuable to be gleaned.  "Yes!  That was an amazing experience, I can't wait to do that again!" or "Ouch!  That one hurt!  Maybe I should try to avoid that one next time." (Easier said than done sometimes.. sometimes we have to keep making the "bad" decisions in order to really learn the lesson.  And sometimes we had to make the decisions to see if we have learned enough from the previous times to react differently.   Maybe it's not the actual choice that was "bad" but instead it is our own reaction that needed to be changed.)

Anyway, the changing of reactions is what I have come up against most recently.  I would like to not have the pain of a decision; however my own reaction showed great growth on my part, and for that I am very grateful.. not just for the growth, but the opportunity given to me in order to see such growth.

So there.  One decision made and learned from. Yay!  But I still feel as though bigger things need to change in my life.  Well maybe not bigger.  But I have things I am not happy about.  (Aside from Nick not being here.)  My health is a big one.  I have found myself really wanting to just curl up on the couch under the comfy blanket and binge on really yummy bad for me foods and equally bad for me TV.  Basically I just kinda wanted to stop living my life.  I wanted to stop being present.  I wanted to just let life happen.  Which of course would mean, my health would deteriorate.  I would gain more weight.  I would become a sloth.  And I would be miserable. I have been down this road before.  It's not a fun road, and it's one I swore I would never go down again.  Yet, here I was sinking deeper and deeper into the comfort of my amazing couch and warm blankets.

When my friend Angie came to town, we went on a 27 mile bike ride and I totally felt completely out of shape.  Then we went for a 9 mile hike 4 1/2 up and then 4 1/2 down the mountain.  As we made the climbs, I was reminded of how I used to RUN these trails and now I can barely crawl up them.  However, more importantly, I remembered that I LOVE this stuff!!!!

So what is keeping me from doing these things?  What is keeping me from eating better?  What is keeping me from exercising?  Well I have lots of excuses....

1)  I'm a mourning mom, I'm allowed to stuff my emotions with food.
3)  I'm a mourning mom, I can do whatever the hell I want, including sitting on the couch and doing nothing.  This is acceptable behavior.
4)  I have to play taxi driver for my entire family, I don't have time to change my eating habits or get the exercise in or read the books or work on me.  All I have time for is crying and taxing and binge watching TV and facebook.
5)  Since I can't run anymore, anything I do to lose weight just won't compare to last time..so what's the point?

Ya.. I was full of excuses.  But these weren't just excuses, they were every day decisions that I made about how I would live my life.

I got mad at a young woman at Nick's school for using Nick's death as a weapon against one of their mutual friends.  She was saying.. "Well, if Nick were here, he would do this!"  I was so angry with her.  How dare she use my dead son's name and memory as a weapon.  But then I stopped and thought about this.  Wasn't that EXACTLY what I have been doing? I have been using his death as a weapon against myself.  Nick would be soooo pissed at me!  He would kick my ass and tell me to get  moving!

So, finally, a couple of nights ago, I made a decision.  Of course, I wanted to see how I felt the next morning.  Would I (like every other time) give up on that decision and make a different one?  Then I saw a video on Facebook and at the very end it mentioned something about life beginning at the end of our comfort zone.  Ah yes.....   My comfort zone...on the couch with a warm fuzzy blanket and yummy bad for me foods.  This wasn't really living.  And it would take me leaving that comfort zone to begin living my life again.  So, thank you facebook video; I stuck to my decision.  I opened up a new tab on my browser and typed in the URL for Weight Watchers and I rejoined.  I gathered my things for the gym.  I gathered my book.  I took it all out to the car and headed out to take Nate to work.

Nate works right next door to the gym.  I dropped him off and went to the gym.  I decided to just do the 30 minute circuit. It has been a while since I had been to the gym, and right now I just needed to START.  I finished my circuit and then looked around.  It had been a while since I had been in this particular gym, and the one I had been going to with my mom had a cool station that this gym didn't have previously.  As I looked around the gym, I found that system.. the one where I get to throw medicine balls at the rebounder!  Yes!!!  So on top of the circuit, I threw the ball 50 times.  Yay!!!

My next big hurdle for the day... getting to a Weight Watchers meeting.  There is a meeting facility less than a mile from my house.  But noooooooo... I want to go back to my old group which is way over on Federal Way.  But since I'm already half way there for Nate's work, it was no big deal to get there.  I did get there very early, though.  I sat in my car and began reading my book The Five Major Pieces of the Life Puzzle by Jim Rohn.  Interestingly enough, the first part of this book is all about personal philosophies.  These personal philosophies are what guide us in our decision making.  (Good timing, eh?)   "To get more, we have to become more."  How do we become more?  We change our thoughts.  We change our thinking.  When we change those things our actions change and of course with a change in action, you have a change in results.  So here I sat, reading this book at the perfect time in my life.  I made a decision to take back my life and live it!  I was tired of letting my life live me.  I was tired of "getting through it"; I wanted more for my life.    Then I got the phone call from Nate.  I was 5 minutes from walking into this Weight Watcher's meeting room (a place I really didn't want to walk into.... not because I didn't want to change, but because I knew what I would face) and Nate calls to ask if I can pick him up. The power had gone out in his office.

Talk about a pivot point in this decision making process.  It would have been so easy to say, "Sure, I'll be right there."  and then bail out of my WW meeting.  But no.  Somewhere deep inside of me I found the strength to say, I am in a a meeting till 1.  You will need to wait.  Whew!  Go me!

I walked into the meeting room.  The leader (who has been my leader since I joined in 2011) is also my friend on facebook.  She knows what has been going on in my life (or at least about Nick).  She was also a motorcycle rider (on the back of her hubby's bike).  They had a horrible accident in 2011/12 when she broke her back.  She has not ridden since.  As soon as she saw me, she opened her arms wide and gave me a huge hug and cried with me. "Welcome back.  So glad you are here."  I was not convinced I was happy to be there, but this decision is one that I made out of necessity.  "Fake it till you make it, Martha!"

Yes, life is all about the choices we make.  It would be so easy to stay on my couch and curl up in a little ball and forget about life and get lost in my grief.  (And that is exactly the road I had started taking.)  But that is NOT who I am.  I am not the kind of person that let's life live them.  I live my life, and it's time I start acting like it!

What about you?  Are you happy with your life?  If there are parts that you are unhappy with, what decisions can you make that will alter the course of your life and change the result and make you happy?  And why aren't you making those decisions????

April 6, 2015 Be Careful What You Ask For

You just might get MORE than you ask for.

Today someone posted a Meme (or whatever the hip kids call those things) that said  "Never reply when you are angry.  Never make promises when you are happy. Never make decisions when you are sad."  Boy did that hit home today.

It's funny, but I have been through the deaths of really close friends, a woman that I truly loved and would have given anything for, family members and other friends who I wasn't so close to.  I'm no stranger to grief.  Even if I am no stranger to grief, there is no preparation that can be given for losing a child.  I do my absolute best to remember that I am grieving and to not let my grief get the best of me.  I try very hard not to let anger over Nick's death cross over into something else.  I try very hard to check my grief at the door and take a "temperature" before making decisions.  However, I am only human.  I know the "rule" about what NOT to do...."Don't make any major life decisions until after a year of a loved ones death."  But sometimes those life decisions NEED to be made immediately (like moving my Mom and Suzy back to Idaho, for example).  But there are other things that could and probably SHOULD wait until the acute grief stage is over with.  It's hard to tell how long Acute Grief should last; it really just depends on the individual.  And it's really hard to decide which decisions can be life altering.

The point is, it is during this stage that those of us in grief just are not thinking straight.  We can be restless, have emotional labile (meaning we are likely to change our emotions faster than a tornado can change courses), have low self esteem....basically those of us who are grieving are an incubator for bad decisions in all kinds of matters.

This is when we make bad decisions trying to find distractions from our grief.  We search for some way to make us feel happy or forget our pain (if even for a moment).  But the sad reality is, when the distraction is over with, the food is consumed, the alcohol drank, the friends gone, the money spent, the angry words said, the fighting done.. what we find is that we are still hurting. And likely if we had made some poor decisions, we are hurting even more than when we started (maybe for different reasons) and we might have even hurt others in the process.

I say all of this because for the last 3 weeks I have been looking hard for a way to escape from my pain.  The idea of beautiful escape is amazing.  I have all kinds of thoughts that go through my head.  Some are amazing ideas and some are really bad ideas. But ALL of the ideas have one thing in common....when it's all said and done, it's not going to change my reality.  My son is gone.

And just when you think "Universe, there is not one more possible blow that you can give me to make this worse."  The universe finds a way to knock you in the teeth and prove you wrong!  Whether its opening closet doors and letting old emotional skeletons out, having your son's friends implode on themselves and say some really harsh things and cause lots of painful drama all while using your son's name, or by taking yet another family member off of this planet.  All I can say is.. ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!  Since obviously a distraction is just borrowing trouble and/or putting off the inevitable, I am just throwing my hands up in the air and waving them like I just don't care.  Cause I don't.  I just don't give a damn anymore.  I can't change what has happened.

There is that stupid cliche.. ."The only way through it... is through it."  I really hate that cliche.  But damn... how far  and how long is "through it'?

I used to feel like I was holding up pretty well. But in the last couple of weeks I feel like I am coming crashing down pretty hard. Maybe that is because I held it together long enough to help my family get through the rough parts.  And now my family seems to be dealing with things better and now I'm crashing?  I guess that is a possibility.  All I do know is, Omi came home from school today just as I started to type this.  She saw me visibly upset and asked me what is wrong.  I just told her is been a rough day.  She came and put her arms around me and said, "You will make it through."

God I hope she is right.

April 5, 2015 Let The Fun Begin!!!!

I got to sleep in today.  I was so excited!  I was also very grateful that "Easter" is not a huge family deal for us.  We have always done Easter Egg Hunts and stuff like that, but in general its just another day for us.  So today kind of feels like a vacation from emotions for me.  Which I am very grateful for.

Somehow, somewhere, Omi has gotten it into her head that Easter tradition for this family means going to Papa Joe's Pizza in downtown Boise.  We went there ONCE after spending the day in the park one Easter and it has kind of stuck for whatever reason.  We don't do Egg Hunts anymore, either.  I don't even do baskets for them so much.  Mostly, it's just a chocolate bunny now a days.  I don't really see the point in "mandatory gift giving" cause someone somewhere decided to create a holiday that requires such things.  But I do agree that there is some fun to be had on this day and things like eating chocolate bunnies are amazing, and since you can only get them at Easter time of year....that is what we do.  But for the last couple of weeks Omi has been asking two questions:  1)  Are we going to Papa Joe's for Pizza?  2) I would love to be able to do a scavenger hunt like you did for Nate that one year when his big present wouldn't fit into the basket.

For a week or so I kinda played around with the idea.  Why?  Why do we need to do this?  What's the point?  But the point is, Omi needs to feel like the family is still in tact.  She needs to feel as though life continues in some kind of normal way after Nick died.  And this is that.  So I finally decided that we would do the scavenger hunt.  While Angie was here, we went shopping for the prizes. I knew exactly what to get Omi, but where to find it? I knew Omi, Suzy and I had seen it a few months back while we were having a girl's day.  And it hit me.. World Market.  While in that store we found things for Suzy and Nate too.  Something silly for Nate and something pretty and useful for Suzy.

With a sense of emotional relief this morning, I figured out what the heck was going on today.  Omi has a bunch of grading to do for her "grading job" (this weekend has been a bit harsh so she is behind on getting that done....and it needs to be done by tonight.)  Suzy has plans tonight.  And I knew, given enough time, Nate would end up doing something.  Like I said, Easter isn't a big deal in our house.  So gathering us all up before we all separate for the day is a big deal.  So off to lunch we went.... to Papa Joe's.  Pizza was yummy and sooo sooo much of it!  We have enough for dinner tonight too.  *laugh*

Then returned home where I proceeded to get clues written down.  That was the easy part.  Making sure they were all where they were supposed to be and lead to where they are supposed to lead was the tricky part. Since the TBI, my brain doesn't do puzzles and problem solving very well.  Ya.....I had to keep retracing my steps to make sure everything lead to where it was supposed to lead.  (Not an easy job when you have 3 "kids" all around the house with eyes and ears everywhere!)  Finally, with them all in place.....it was time to turn the kids loose.  Inside the house, up and down the stairs, front yard, back yard, finding the "right" computer in a house with 8 computers....it was a bit of a challenge.  But in the end, they worked as a team and found their prizes!

It's funny the "little" things that matter.  Omi is the one who really wanted this.  When Suzy found out what I was planning, she had said she had just told her friend that she missed doing stuff like this and wished she was a kid to do it again, and Nate was playing "adult" and acting like it was an imposition.  But somewhere in the middle, Nate started having fun.  The girls were laughing.  No one could read my hand writing which made it even more challenging and together they had to work as a team to decipher my really bad writing.  And when it was over, Nate was the first one to give us a hug and tell us thank you  (with a huge smile on his face).  Not 5 months after losing Nick, it's these little things, the unexpected moments of silliness and fun that really matter.  Bringing the kids together. Letting them play.  It makes me smile.

I'm grateful for Omi's  ideas and need for tradition in times like these.  It is what keeps the family moving in times when maybe we feel like we are stuck in the quick sand.

April 4, 2015 Just typing that date.....

Typing that at in this context hurts.

I woke up this morning...so freakin' early.  All I could think about was giving birth to Nick.  All I could think about were birthdays of yesteryear.   All I could think about was Nick's zest for life.  All I could do was smile.  (Though now I'm crying.)  All I wanted to do was lay in bed and spend my day thinking about how amazing Nick was and all of the fun times we had with him.

When I thought about the blog for today, I thought it would I would wait until I got my tattoo later this afternoon.  I thought maybe I would just reblog the story of his birth that I wrote so long ago.  I thought about many things I could blog about today.  But this morning, with so many of his birthday memories coming to me..I decided I would share some of those memories because I don't want to ever forget those memories and I like sharing stories about him.

Nick's 1st birthday was in Florida.  I was a working mom at the time and he went to at an at home sitter.  Our friends consisted of church friends from Melbourne Seventh Day Adventist Church and Nick's baby sitter.  My mom's house backed into a huge city park with a big Ramada with picnic tables.  We rented out the Ramada, ordered a huge cake, invited all of the kids from his Cradle Roll (Nursery) Sabbath School class (and their siblings), his baby sitter and children from there and my family.  I brought out a whole mess of pots and pans and spoons and laid them out on blankets on the grass.  Nick ate his birthday cake while sitting on his Uncle Michael's lap. Michael didn't want to get dirty, so he made sure Nick didn't eat the cake like a baby should.  It was pretty funny.  Then the kids sat down on the blankets and made a joyful noise!  (I'm pretty certain the neighbors hated me!)  Nick loved to bang on pots and pans at home.  His face always lit up when he got to make  music with them!

I don't remember all of Nick's birthdays.  I have a horrible memory.  And I'm certain that some of these things that I THINK are birthday memories might not really be birthday memories.  *laugh*  Tracy may correct me when he reads this.  *laugh*

I *THINK* it was Nick's 3rd birthday.....  I don't remember *why*  but we HAD to go to do Disney World so that he could meet Mickey Mouse for his birthday.    Gosh I remember his little face (I wish I had this picture scanned.....)   He still had the biggest chipmunk cheeks. He had a blue wind breaker on.  He had a blue ball cap type hat on that had Mickey Mouse on it.  And we stood in line for forever for him to meet Mickey Mouse.  Nick always loved Disney World and since we lived an hour away, and there were "Resident" rates, we used to go often.  But this 3rd birthday we had no money and a friend that I worked with (who lived in Detroit, MI) sent Nick money for his birthday..just so he could go and meet Mickey Mouse.  No pun, intended, it was a magical day!

His 4th birthday was spent back at the park with friends from church, day care, and Tracy and Nick's surfing buddies.  It was so much fun!!!  Water guns, cake and play ground..just what ever kid needs!  Oh ya.. and his girlfriend from day care!

Then in Kindergarten, Nick made this friend named April.  Actually, at first, we had to keep having talks with the teacher about this girl.  She kept taking Nick's Ice Cream Money.  Well she didn't really TAKE it as much as she kept forcing Nick to buy her Ice Cream or candy or something.  She was constantly "bullying" him to get his attention. *laugh*  We finally got it all figured out, and the two became inseparable.    I want to say for his 6th birthday we took him and April to Universal Studios on a "date" for his birthday.   (Though something in my head says it was a few years later...I don't remember.)  But they both got autograph books and pens and they would run from character to character getting autographs.  He and April used to have play dates at her house and ride bikes up and down her street and play games and have a great time (once we got the ice cream money thing situated.  That little girl was nothing short of bossy. but she knew what she wanted... and what can I say, Nick was quite the catch!)

When we moved to Arizona there weren't alot of crazy birthdays.  We had kind of set this system up for the kids.  One year its a birthday party.  The next year its a family celebration.  The third year its a theme park of some sort.  It was a 3 year rotation.  With that memory firmly in place now, I am certain that the Disney World and Universal Studios stories must have been accurate.  *laugh*  But Arizona didn't have theme parks really.  The closest they had was Castles and Coasters, and over grown mini golf place with a few carnival rides.

The only birthdays in Arizona that I remember are 2 very specific ones.  They are the 2 years that we broke our rules about the 3 year cycle.  I think it was nick's 11th birthday.  It might have been his 12th.  It's hard to remember....Omi had been born; I had multiple personalities; and our friend was losing her battle with brain cancer and people were not always getting along in our circle of friends. Anyway, we were having a party for Nick.  We had invited his best friends from Cub/Boy Scouts and kids from his class.  Nick's 5th grade year (which would have been his 11th birthday) sucked.  He was being bullied by boys in his class.  He really counted on his friends from the Scouts.  His 6th grade year was a bit better.  He still didnt' have friends, but he was getting all A's and he had even gotten and A+ in English which his teacher swears he NEVER gives out because kids had to earn that kind of grade.....and Nick did.  Anyway, we invited these kids to come to the birthday party.  And NONE of his friends showed up!  We even called the 2 from scouts who "all of a sudden" had "other things to do with each other" and did not show up to his birthday.  The only people who came were Nate's friends (all these families hung out together all the time.....so the ones that showed up were Nate's friends and my best friend Annelle) and of course our friend Michael.  Nick was devastated.

So the next year, we broke the rule and decided to have another birthday party for him.  This year we held it at a Bowling Alley.  We invited a few friends... yup this was his 12th birthday (his 6th grade year..cause I remember we even invited the kids who weren't nice to him in the 5th grade year).  I think people came cause it was at the bowling alley and they were gonna get to bowl and not just sit around a house for a party.  Sad but true.  It's not like they were regular friends of Nick's.  But it didn't matter to me.. and I don't think it mattered to Nick.  I think the only thing that mattered is that Nick had people at his party to play with and laugh with!  That year, Nick got a fancy custom made computer for his birthday.  And they gave him a bowling pin to take home.  (I think we still have that bowling pin somewhere.)  It was a fun birthday for him.  It was fun to see him smiling.

Then we moved to Idaho.  Birthday's changed here.  Once again, even less of a theme park.  Though we do have a water park and a pretty decent mini golf entertainment place.  But this is the place that he, by far, had his best birthday party ever!  We moved here when Nick was in 8th grade.  He was NOT happy about being taken away from Arizona, which he pretty much knew as home.  He had a rough time here trying to find his place and fit in.  However, in 9th grade for his 15th birthday party, we decided to have a huge party.  We had nice this really cool garage that was extra deep with a work area  in the shape of a U then there was the open space for the cars to park.  We picked up everything off of the work benches, cleaned out the garage, stacked everything up on the shelves or stacked things to make tables.  Then we draped black painters plastic drop clothes all around the sides of the garage covering up the shelving units.  Only thing left open were the work bench tables to set out food and stuffs.  Then we let Nick and his friends loose with neon paint.  They splashed the black tarps with neon paint.  We brought out black lights and strobe lights and disco balls.  We brought out the stereo and camping chairs.  He had a huge group of friends over.  They had pizza and cup cakes.  They ran between the garage and the trampoline outside.    They had the door from the main part of the house to the mud room/garage/nick's bedroom closed... and they just partied and lived it up.  Loud and crazy with lots of laughter and Nick's little sister to keep an eye on them!  Every once in a while I would pop my head in to check on the kids, but they had one hell of a party....complete with cupcake wars!  That garage was a disaster!  LOL.  Just thinking about it makes me smile!  And I'm still friends with  many of those kids on my facebook.  God I love those kids!

Suzy entered the picture after that birthday.  And birthday's were calmer.

Then when he and Suzy turned 21, we bought them tickets to Vegas.  Michael, Tracy and I met them there.  We spent a weekend drinking and partying.  We went to the German restaurant and Nick and I entered the stein holding competition together.  I beat him.  *laugh* (but not by much..the drunk next to him caused him issues.)  They got birthday swats from the shot girls.  We sat around and played black  jack.  They drank HUGE margaritas.  We swam in the pools. I took the kids to see the Bodies exhibit.  We went to Coyote Ugly.   We went to see Ka (amazing!)  We had such a great time teaching the kids how to drink real beer. *laugh*

Then the last birthday I got to celebrate with Nick was his 24th birthday.  I was there because Mom had her hip replaced.  There was a big concert in Orlando called Earth Day Birthday.  It was filled with hard rock bands and they kids had always wanted to go.  This year Offspring was going to be there.  I loved Offspring.  So for Nick's birthday, I bought us all tickets to go.  The concert wasnt' on his birthday, but I did give him the tickets.  *laugh*  I don't remember what we did for his birthday.  I want to think it was just dinner at home due to work and school.  But the concert was the real party!  On the way there, we were listening to the sponsoring radio station.  It mentioned something about people being naked or topless or something.  I was confused.  And the kids informed me that women run around topless with their breasts painted.  I had ALWAYS wanted to do that!  Nick rolled his eyes at me and probably prayed to the Spaghetti Monster that I would keep my clothes on.  But it was too late.  It was decided.  I told him there would be plenty of other naked breasts for him to look at.. he didn't have to look at mine!  And I also said I would get Suzy's painted and he could just stare at hers all day.  *laugh*  As soon as we got there, we found the place to get our breasts painted.  Suzy and I both got butterflies painted on our breasts and spent the entire day wandering the concert topless.  I am pretty certain I scared my son for life.. but since he only lived another year and a half...I didn't have to pay for his therapy!  *laugh*  We had such a fun day that day!!!!  We rocked out hard!  I still had my concussion and they were trying to teach me how to head bang.  That didn't work out so well.  Oh my aching head!  We danced.  We sang.  We rocked hard!  It was the best day!  I am so glad I got to share that day with him.

One thing is for certain, Nick lived his life.  He was blessed.  He was loved.

Happy Orbit Day, Kiddo!!!  I love you so much!  Thank you for being my first baby.. thank you for teaching me how to be a parent!  We will toast to you today around a fire pit, send off balloons, and burn some "Chinese cash" from China town so you have some birthday cash to spend!  Love you sooo sooooo much!!!

PS... Thank you for sending the music box music to me while I was looking through pictures that sent me to the big box of pictures where I found the Hapgood pictures that I thought were lost!  That was the best birthday present ever!!!  (For those that don't know, there is absolutely NO music box in that room..so no reason for music box music to be playing in there.)