Yes, you heard me say there are blessings in Grief.
Before Nick died I was a very happy, joy-filled person. Heck I even had a fitness business called Joy Filled Fitness. However, once he was killed, my joy kind of stalled out. Okay, there was no "kind of" it did, but I think there was good reason for that. A part of me had just died (quite literally). That doesn't mean my joy was killed off completely, though. As you read through my blogs, you have seen moments, if not days, and even weeks where I was happy feeling. (Though, when there were weeks, I probably didn't blog much... and I should have, so that you could see it for yourself.)
The truth is, just because I am mourning the loss of my son, doesn't mean my life in this last year needed to be all sad. Just like in anything else there and ebbs and flows. And just like on any other day, there are reasons to feel gratitude, if not pure joy and bliss. There are blessings even in the midst of Grief. At the very beginning of this journey, I was amazed by all that I had to be grateful for. I had a whole community and people beyond my immediate community who came to our aid. So many people donated money to help fund Nick's Memorial and Suzy's move from Florida to Idaho. So many helped feed my family when they returned without me (including Thanksgiving meal). Then there were the endless messages of support and love from my friends and family as well as Nick's. It was amazing. And even almost a year into it, I still feel so loved and supported. I am very grateful for all of that and more.
For the last couple of weeks and even into yesterday, I had a few things I wanted to say and share my gratitude about, and one of them very specifically is a gift from Grief. I think I have said this before but Grief has made me more compassionate. And more than that, in a way, it is a double edged sword (making me "softer" and "harsher" all at the same time). Okay, I'm not so grateful for feeling harsher, but I think that is only temporary and is from the residual anger of losing Nick (especially while I'm driving). But the softer side of me, that is new.
After losing Nick, I have realized that some things (most things) I used to get all up in arms about just doesn't need to happen. Yes, I still feel passionate about ideas, but I have learned to be a bit more flexible and understanding. This is kind of ironic cause Nick was very SHARP and HARSH when it came to his beliefs. He tried to be compassionate and open minded, but he had a short nerve ending when it came to politics and religion. *laugh* In the last 8 years (or more) I had become very one-sided and possibly short-sighted. I had become very jaded. But since Nick's death, while I still feel things are very important, allowing my blood pressure to boil and being so closed off is not where I want to be anymore. Remembering there are 2 sides to every story.. well 3 really.. is very important. Remembering that in the Bible, Jesus loved those he did not agree with (yes, he got silly angry sometimes, but he taught love and acceptance). So yes, it is perfectly acceptable to take a deep breath and be friends with those I do not agree with, and it's a great idea to live in a judgment free zone. You can't judge a single person by what a bunch of zealots believe or how they act. And yes, I have been guilty of doing that... out of fear. Yet, that was the same thing I would get angry about when they did it. Losing Nick has reminded me to stop taking myself so seriously that I have forgotten what being a human being is about..... LOVE. Be softer. Be open. Stand up for what you believe, but don't judge others. There is more to life than politics and religion. We are all on this planet together and we need to focus on the good, be gentle with each other, love one another..you never know when it will be the last time with that person or the people around you. Do you want that last time to be angry, harsh, sharp? I sure don't.
I have been working on this with Omi. Our family is not Christian. But in the past we have had some really harsh interactions with people who are Christians (including family members) and because of this, we have pretty much shut out anyone who claims to be Christian as friends. Why? Out of fear. We do not want the possible fall out. We don't want to be judged, but in doing so, we have judged. So Naomi has expressed the desire/need for more girlfriends in her life. She said she has friends at school, but she is not sure she can be friends with them outside of school because they are religious. I told her to give it a chance. You can be friends with people you don't agree with; you just have to agree to disagree and move on. Yes, there is the possibility of a "deal breaker" in there, but give it a shot. Not all Christians are "hell fire and brimstone". The obvious deal breaker is the stand on LGBT issues, but until you give people a chance, you never know. There are lots of Christians out there who are LGBT friendly. It's about living without judgment and living a softer life..which is a happier life. It's about finding the good in people and giving them the chance to show it to you. It's about acknowledging the good, even if you mostly disagree. There is usually SOMETHING you can agree on and smile about.. find it!
The other thing that I have learned about me from Nick's death is a more compassionate side of me. I noticed it some months ago, but yesterday was the first time I actually voiced this out loud to someone other than Tracy. This is going to sound rather cold and heartless. But I never understood the grief parents had over miscarriages. It's not that I didn't think they should be sad or feel let down. I never thought, "What's the big deal?". I just never really *thought* about it at all. I recognized they were disappointed, but I never got their grief. I'm not really sure why, except that I have never had a miscarriage. My ignorance kept me from completely understanding.
I really had to think about this. Why did I feel this way? Was it my stand on pro-choice? No. I believe a baby is a baby from conception. So why did I not understand? Was it because I thought, "That baby was never born so they never knew that baby so its 'no big deal'?" I guess that is possible; except I know how much I loved my babies while they were in the womb, and I knew (by the way kicked or behaved in the womb) if they liked something or not. So I knew my own babies before they were born. So no. That can't be it. After doing this soul searching, I just decide that it was my own ignorance and lack of compassion. I didn't know HOW to console a friend or sister in law other than to say I'm sorry. I didn't know how to sit in their grief with them. I didn't know until I lost Nick. As a mother losing a child who is 25 years old, it wasn't just about losing a child who grew up to be an amazing human being. It was about the loss of a child that I felt connect to and loved from the moment I conceived him. The grief is about losing the child I felt flutter in my uterus or kicking in the middle of the night. It was about losing the that little tiny fetus who's heart beat so fast I couldn't believe it. When Nick died, I felt it in my uterus. A part of me literally died. And THEN I understood. To all of my friends and family that I was not there for, I am sorry... sorry I wasn't there for you.. and so sorry for your heart breaking loss.
I realized this, and then yesterday I was given an amazing gift. I was meeting a woman about a jewelry party that I am hosting through her business. Our girls go to school together (her daughter is one of those girls Omi wasn't sure she could be friends with outside of school cause the other girl is religious. After meeting the mom, I see Omi's concerns, but I also see WHY Omi needs to reach out to this girl and try). Kim, the woman, asked if I would share Nick's story (we had done the whole.. how many children do you have thing...). So I was very blessed to tell his story to a woman who sat there across from me with a very open and understanding heart. A woman who is very Christian (husband is a traveling music minister) and heard me say how big of an Atheist my son was and still said what an amazing man he was. But the real gift came when she told me about her child she lost when she was 7 months pregnant. Her heart ache is as real as mine. And it was a very special gift to hear her story and to be able to console her and love her completely. I could not have done that without having walked through my grief first. A true blessing.
Then there is the flip side of miscarriages and losing children, and that is not being able to have children at all. A running friend of mine has another friend who is going through the grief of losing a child. His other friend had posted something on Facebook and he was sharing it with me on my Facebook wall. But what his friend said did not touch me near as much as what he said. In a nutshell, he said, "While I will never fully understand your grief, my heart goes out to you. But I am also jealous. Because my wife and I will never be able to have children of our own, I will never know the joy or the grief or the memories you got to have with your children." At first I was shocked at the thought of someone being jealous of my grief. But then I took a breath and thought about this. My friend and I had shared long runs together and had talked about his sadness over not being able to have children, and I remember feeling sad with him. So I get it. I get the jealousy thing. And I get the sadness over not being able to grieve for a child because you loved that child so much. I get it and my heart goes out to him and his amazing wife. And it reminds me that even though I am sad about losing Nick, I had the enormous blessing of being his mom! Such a gift, and because of my friend pointing this out, I got to remember that blessing (not just my grief).
Wow.. this is long.. Sorry about that.
There are other blessings that I am so grateful for.
Last year when we were looking at buying a new home, Tracy kept saying that he wanted to downsize. "The kids are getting older. We don't need those bedrooms." But I reminded him that grand babies will be coming soon. And our parents are getting older. We need to have extra room for people to come visit or live (our parents who are getting older). We specifically chose this house with the idea that our parents might move in with us at some point. As it turned out, grand babies won't be coming any time soon since Nick died. And that is something else that we grieve (big time)... I can't even begin to express how much that one hurts. However, thankfully, we have room for Suzy to live with us now. And Nate's girlfriend moved in too. We went from being close to empty-nesters to having a very full house again. And you know what? I love having a house full of "kids". I always have. And I am very grateful that in downsizing square footage, we didn't downsize in bedroom count! I am very grateful for the home that we chose and the home we have created for our children... and the bonus children that come through our door. My house has always had an open door for kids, and that is still the case today.
Speaking of bonus children, that is something else I am very grateful for. Nate's girlfriend is a godsend! She loves doing yard work, and we have LOTS of it at this house. And she goes out there and does it without any hesitation or even being asked. She does a great job, and I am so very grateful for her. And sometimes she makes the most amazing cupcakes! I love it when all of my girls are in the kitchen baking up something amazing! I love to hear them all laughing.
Then there is Suzy's new boyfriend.....
People always ask me, "Is it hard to see Suzy date?" It's always hard to see her date someone new. I don't care who it is, the first time she starts to date someone, my heart feels pulled. I only want her happiness. But I look at her and think, "That should be Nick." I also know that she never wanted to be in this situation and it's just as hard on her to be without Nick, and any man she dates will have to deal with that and love her because she loved Nick the way she did, as well as for her many other amazing qualities. Since Nick died, she has only had 2 serious boyfriends. They are both very different. And both of them have been what she needed when she needed it. The new boyfriend however has a very special connection to this family (for a couple of reasons). He was friends with Nick and Suzy through junior high and high school. He actually KNEW Nick. He was at Nick's epic 14th birthday party...before Suzy entered the picture. He apparently loved my family back then (though I admittedly do not remember him from back then... he didn't hang out at our house like the other kids). And he remained friends with Nick over the years. And when Nick died, he was crushed. When he started dating Suzy he messaged me and had a heart to heart with me promising to honor Nick and love Suzy the way Suzy deserves. He told me how much Nick meant to him and how much my family means to him. But the other thing that gets me is a true gift. He has Nick's spirit in him. The whole family sees it. His mannerisms when he talks. His work ethic. His family ethic. The way he stands. His posture. He will not replace Nick.. we all know that. But he is a very special man who has come into this family and loves on all of us. He has brought smiles and laughter to Nate and Naomi... something I haven't seen since Nick's death. And its always good to see Suzy happy and feeling loved and cared for; that is what Nick would have wanted and that is what we want for her. So yes, even Suzy's dating is a blessing.
Lastly, our Suburban died last winter. I was very sad. We have been down to one car, which is not usually a horrible issue. Tracy has his motorcycle. But with weather changing, Tracy will not be able to ride soon. And a new vehicle is almost a requirement. And our current vehicle does not fit our entire family so when we go out, we have to take 2 cars. It would be nice to have a car to fit us all again. We don't often all go out at the same time, but when we do, it would be nice to have one that fits us all. So we are looking at Suburban type vehicles again.. to haul the family.. to haul camping gear.. to haul ski gear... And I have to say the fact that my family is "big" again (once you include all the boyfriends/girlfriends) makes me very happy. I love big happy loud families!!!
So yes, today my heart is full and I am counting my blessings in life and in grief.
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