"Well what if the world exploded, do you think the cock roaches would still survive?"
Okay, that might be a silly example, but you know what I mean. I remember being in 6th or 7th grade sitting in history class with Coach White and someone was asking a bunch of "what if" questions, and I thought he was going to explode! *laugh* "No more what if questions!!!!!"
Generally, the "what if" questions are really just an example of us worrying about something we can't control. But I have found out recently that if we don't play the "what if" question game, sometimes it can lead to the "If I had only known....." game, and that game is no fun to play at all.
I know I have said this many times. Pictures. Take LOTS Of pictures! You never know when that picture will be the last picture you take of someone. I realize we can't all walk around taking pictures of everything all of the time. And no one wants to think, "If I don't get that picture and they die, I will regret it the rest of my days." But I am here to tell you, "If you don't get that picture, you will regret it at some point.. maybe not for the rest of your days... but you will regret it!"
My family has never been HUGE on family photos. Okay, when the boys were little, and when Omi was just born, we did take family photos at least once a year. But when we moved to Idaho, it seems like the traditional family photo shoot at the JC Penny's or Sears just wasn't really an option. Photo studios have kind of gone by the way side, and private photographers have taken over the scene. Granted, those family photos are usually more genuine and telling of a family's personality than the "boxed set" from Penny's, but they are also more expensive. So many families just don't make it a priority. They think, "I have a camera, I'll just take them on the fly as we have fun hanging out." Generally, the "point and shoot" memories are lots of fun to look at, but sometimes you miss something that a professional photographer might catch.
With all of that said, in the last year, there is one thing that my family has realized. Not enough pictures were taken. And that is saying a great deal considering my kids are always complaining about me taking pictures. Suzy and Nick, on their own, didn't take a bunch of pictures together, and that is something that Suzy realized pretty quickly after Nick's death. That kind of realization is heart breaking. We all have some kind of regret around pictures. Most recently is the realization that there are no "recent" images of Naomi and Nick together. We have pictures of them together working on the motorcycle but neither of them are looking at the camera at the same time. Those pictures were taken so that we would have the memory of them working on the bike together, but now Omi is looking for a picture of the two of them together so she can make a photo phone case. The only pictures I could find went back to 2012 and 2011.
While I was looking back at the pictures trying to find one for Omi to use, I remembered that we took a year off from family vacation because Tracy and I went to Belize for our 25th wedding anniversary. Now I find myself kicking myself for not making the time for us all to get together that year. Even though, we spent a week with them the next year. The last family vacation we had with Nick was when they came here to visit in 2014. The vacations when they came here meant we didn't get alot of time with them because they were off visiting her family or their friends, and as it turned out, it would have been the last time my family was all together and we didn't get nearly enough time with Nick, and it's just not fair. (Nothing in life is fair).
Watching Omi realize that she couldn't find that right picture for her phone broke my heart. She sounded so angry that there were lots of Nick and Nate pictures together, but not any of her and Nick. But when I look at those pictures, it is only because of the way we were all sitting during a game of Uno while waiting for fireworks on the 4th of July. There are other pictures of Omi alone but they were pictures of her playing foot bag with Nick. They are pictures to remember a memory.. not posed pictures with fake smiles. (Though I do have photos of all of the kids together.. just none of her and Nick alone). Anyway, to see her grief...is to FEEL her grief. And there is nothing worse than to watch your children hurting knowing there is NOTHING you can do. My heart just broke.
I think about this all of the time....the "What ifs" and "If we had only knowns". We would have taken more/different pictures. We would have behaved differently and spent the time a bit differently. We all have regrets and wishes for things to be different. But we can't play those games. The "What ifs" have us worrying about the future, and the "If we had only knowns" keep us looking behind us and living with regrets and sometimes guilt. Both of which keep us pretty sad and miserable. We have to look at the NOW.. which is hard to do when you are grieving and missing a loved one. I would give anything to have Nick back or to have those pictures that we never took. I would give anything to take away the pain that my family experiences on a daily basis. The pain might not be all consuming, but it is felt on a daily basis at some level.
As the days slip by and the 1st anniversary inches closer, I see the toll it is taking on the family. Nightmares are returning. Sleeplessness is taking hold. Tears pool on our eye lids threatening to flood our cheeks. Tempers sit a the edge of the danger zone. Memories flood back. Last year at this time........
The "stupid" facebook memory thing is kind of evil. It's a double edged sword. It can remind us of the good times, but then we remember that those good times come to a screeching halt in less than a month's time frame. Just today while we were at breakfast, Suzy was looking through her memories on facebook and she was smiling. She was looking at last year's Halloween costume shopping. I remember them doing that. Even though they were in Florida, I remember this time and smile. There was a great hunt for a green t-shirt for Nick to wear (he was going as Shaggy from Scooby Doo). We all smiled and remembered. And I know in my heart, I was smiling... and I was sad. Last year at this time, we were having a heck of a time doing fun things like settling into our new home and making plans for our new place. We had just gone to Boise Comic Con and Omi got to meet one of her favorite actors and it brought her to tears. Life was filled with endless possibilities, but in those possibilities we never played the "What if one of our children dies within a month?!" game. When I think about the possibilities being endless, I always think about the positive side of things, but today as I type this, I think the possibilities could also be catastrophic. No one wants to think that way, but today I realized it's true.
So with that in mind, get our your cameras people. Take pictures! Take LOTS of pictures. Not just any picture, but pictures with each person in your family alone with every other person in the family. Each kid with each kid. Each parent with each kid. Each kid with each parent. Take those pictures! Photographers, PLEASE take THOSE pictures! No one wants to think "What if..." but the reality is, THOSE pictures are sooooooooo very important to the family that is left behind and no one wants to live with regrets.
Surprise Boise Visit 2011
Texas Family Vacation 2012
Boise Visit 2014
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