Life has away of rolling along, even during my 20 minute brain breaks.
Ever since last week, I have been joking around about writing a book on how to live life in 2 hour increments (since that is the way have to live my life right now). It's crazy how much you can get done in 2 hours when you know that is all you have before you need to rest your brain for 20 minutes. But it also has me questioning what is really important in my life. When you only have 2 hours at a time to get things done, is running to the mall really THAT important? What else could I be doing in those 2 hours? What about watching that TV show? Is it really that important? And what about sitting on Facebook hitting refresh or hoping that a certain someone sends you a message (and that person never does). Making wise choices and learning what is truly important happens when you live your life in 2 hour increments.
I have also learned that in those 20 minute brain breaks, I may not have any outside stimulation going on, but my brain likes to work over time and I'm actually listening. It says some pretty amazing things. It is also filled with lots of crap, and I get to sift through it and find the amazing gems. The not so great part about this by the time my 20 minutes is up, my brain has been through 100 different thoughts and I have forgotten the good ones by the time I am up and running again. *laugh* Ah well.
In the last week, I have had my hysterectomy rescheduled (it was suppose to be today, but the doctor broke his foot and needed his own surgery) until November 19th. I have had a job offered to me (that I was not looking for) and had to turn it down thanks to brain injury therapy. I performed in a huge burlesque show with some of my favorite performers. It was so amazing to share a stage with them! And I got paid for it!!! Of course, none of us get paid enough to cover the sparkles on our costumes, but we love our art! There is no better feeling than getting paid for your art and expressing yourself! I also go to belly dance with my sisters over the weekend, and that went really well. But as busy as my weekend was, the brain hang over and recovery has been harsh. I'm still recovering and its almost the weekend again!
The anniversary of Nick's death is quickly approaching, and I can't help but feel like we should DO something, but I don't really know what. Everything inside of me keeps telling me to make a trip o Florida. But why? It's not like he is there. He isn' even buried there. His ashes are upstairs in Suzy's room. Going to the corner where he was killed.. it always feels like I am closer to him there, but that is silly. I want to go there and sit on the corner and cry. I wan to go there and light candles (or put out LED candles) on the corner that day. I want to hold vigil ..just in case Michaeleen Blair drives by that day and remembers what she did and how she changed our world. But what is more likely is that we will sit around a fire pit a home.. which is cool too. I don't know.
Last night I had a dream about taking a trip to Belize. Tracy wasn't with me, but Nate went with me. Just the 2 of us escaping to paradise. It was kind of a bizarre dream. I'm sure its not just unconscious telling me that I want to run away for a while. I have a HUGE desire to get away. Maybe its cause of the anniversary coming up. Maybe its because of the enormous amounts of doctors visits I have scheduled. Maybe its just because I have the travel bug. But I want to get away. I want to travel to New York and stay in a nice hotel, visit the museums, see a show. I want to run away to the beach and put my toes in the sand. I want to head to Vegas and catch some shows and sit by the pool. I want to laugh with friends.
Change is never easy for me. I don't like it very much. When it comes to relationships, change is even harder. I expect alot, when I should really expect nothing. I give everything, when I should really be choosy about how much I give and to whom. I love entirely too quickly and entirely too deeply and often on people who when it comes down to it, I probably shouldn't. But at the same time, I believe that loving people is never wrong, but I should be prepared to no be loved back or as much or in a way that I want to be loved. One day I may learn these lessons. One day I may learn to be choosy. One day I may learn that not everyone has the capability to love without restraint or they choose to love when its convenient for them and the moment its not convenient, I become expendable. The truth is, I deserve better than that. I know this. One day these people will call me and find out I'm not here. One day they will call me and find out that I will not make time for them because I am not that person anymore. One day they will want to see me and find out that I am not going to work my life around them to make them feel good. And that will be their loss, not mine. Nothing in this life is permanent. NOTHING. People come and go... they move in and out of your life. Maybe its time that I move out of some people's lives and make room in my life for people who really want to be there. I have lost enough in this past year, and I'm tired of losing more. So maybe instead of looking at it as losing, I will look at it as cleansing. I am cleansing my life of the hanger-ons.. the ones who attach themselves to me and take but no longer give. I am washing them off and starting clean. (In my head I hear a cackling and this message.. "Easier said than done!" That may be true but I am worth it.)
How often do we hang on to people because we think we love them or think they love us back (because they say they do)? How often do we look at those relationships and hear "i love yous" but see no real action behind it? How often do we hang to those relationships in hopes that we will one day feel like what they are saying is true...that one day they will actually SHOW It no just say it. How often do we hang on to those relationships out of loyalty or some kind of "should have". This is so co-dependent it's not even funny. We as individuals need to learn that that only person we really need to be loyal to is ourselves. We can not keep expending emotional energy on someone hoping that they will give that same kind of energy back. We can not keep expending that kind of emotional energy thinking that we are the only people on this planet that can save them and if we disappear, the other person's world will shatter. Cause, guess what?! IT WON'T. They might notice we are no longer here.. possibly....they might notice in the way that they notice an annoying fly has moved on to something else. Or thy might not notice at all. Because if we were really important to them, they would make time for us. They would call us or text us or make time to visit us. They would stop making excuses as to why they can't see us and just DO IT.. cause that is what people who love us do.
Relationships evolve and change. And we either become closer to people or we move apart. That's the truth of life. Yes, maybe we will cry about it, but in the long run, we know this as truth and we continue to move on, because being stuck in the muck is just not any fun and there are lots of people out there who are ready and willing to truly be there for us, but first we have to shake off the ones who are just hanging on so we can make room in our hearts for those who really truly want to be there.
Well okay....I guess I had alot on my mind. It's about time for another brain break.....
No comments:
Post a Comment