I always love the chance to get to talk about Nick and share Nick with others. He was such an amazing young man. I love to talk about him, even if it makes me cry sometimes. Today, Nick gave me an incredible blessing.
I went to Walmart with a very clear list of things to buy. This list included veggies for the chili I was planning on making for dinner. The list got a bit longer as I bought more fruits to munch on and healthy eating caught my attention. But I also remembered I have this HUGE (and that is no exaggeration) zucchini that I need to use. So I looked up the recipe for zucchini bread and went shopping for those ingredients. Then I thought, "I can't make just zucchini bread, cause Tracy hates it! Gotta make something Tracy likes." So I bought stuff to make pumpkin rolls. Then I remembered I needed to buy cat food. And while I was in that side of the store, I looked over at the Christmas decorations.
(I should pause here and tell you that upon entering Walmart, the first thing I saw was 3 workers standing under a Merry Christmas sign in which they were putting together a very tall Christmas tree. As I saw a shopper dressed in a Halloween costume leave, I rolled my eyes. Seriously, can't we get through Halloween first? I really do not like advertising for Christmas before Thanksgiving, much less before Halloween! And quite honestly, all I have been able to really think about is getting through November 10th.)
Anyway, I looked over at the Christmas decorations. I remembered Naomi asking about twinkly lights for her room. After picking up the cat food, I pushed my little, tiny cart that was getting quite full over to the Christmas section. First I saw this box of black and white ornaments, and it reminded me of the black Christmas tree Suzy and I wanted for last years Christmas. She and I seriously wanted a black Christmas last year. I looked at the fake white tree they had for cheap and I thought the black ornaments would look cool on it. I kept looking at the fake trees (why? I have no idea). I saw a black one for $39. Sweet! I seriously almost bought it. But I heard Nick laugh at me and say, "No, Mom. You love Christmas. Find things that make you happy. I want you to be happy this year." So I kept wandering around. I don't know why. I hate Christmas before Halloween. I came across greeting cards. I suck at sending them out. But I could feel Nick poking and prodding me. "Find the Christmas card that makes you laugh. Remember the cartoons that made you laugh. Remember all the joking we did about buying the Charlie Brown Christmas Trees. Look, Mom, there is a Peanuts Christmas card collection. Smile! Laugh! Share this with people. Take a family photo of the family now and send it with this.. celebrate life, Mom." I read through the cards that were available in this set. I didn't like them. Not everyone I send cards to will appreciate the word Christmas. I like buying "seasonal cards" or "holiday cards". So I put the box down.
I felt the nudge to keep looking around. I had completely forgotten about the twinkle lights for Omi. Nick had me wandering the isles. I could feel him. I walked down an isle that had ornaments and he had me looking At first I thought, "I'm not going down that isle, all it has is manger scenes." But Nick told me to go. I went. I walked passed the manger scenes and came across some "collectible" ornaments. There were 2 rubber duckies and I got all excited until I saw that they had either a Broncos emblem or a Sea Hawks emblem on them. Nope. But then I made a decision, I will find rubber duckies. I will go on a search on the 'net when I get home. I continued looking at the ornaments. I came across Charlie Brown with a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I laughed at Nick and picked it up and put it in my cart. Then I saw an old fashioned Frosty and I laughed again. Nick knows me too well. I put it in my cart.
I saw the twinkle lights at that point. I picked up the ones I thought Omi would like. She has been having a hard time with lights in her room. They keep breaking or whatever. So I found a rope strand of LED lights. Perfect. I kept wandering and looking at greeting cards on the end caps. I found a box of cards with Snoopy on them. Yup.. those are the cards that Nick was directing me towards. I thought I was done. I was smiling and life was good. I was still shaking my head at the idea of me in this section this time of year. As I was walking out of the section, I heard Nick one more time. "Mom, Go down that isle. There are rubber duckies down that isle." I stood at the end of the isle and looked down it. Yes, there were ornaments down that isle, but I saw nothing bright yellow. I didn't see anything that looked remotely like rubber duckies. But I turned down there anyway....
I walked half way down the isle. I had been looking up and down at these sparkly glittery inexpensive ornaments. They had fishes. I thought to myself, "Who would hang fishes on their Christmas trees?" My answer: "Tracy." I laughed. Then I looked down at the bottom row of ornaments. There was a white rubber ducky with a scarf on! Seriously??? But it looks like the only one. I thought to myself, "I guess white could work. A ghost rubber ducky? No. Not what I want." I reached to put it back and then I saw this gold shiny thing at the bottom of the bin. I looked a bit closer. This bin had pink and blue and white Styrofoam glittery sparkly rubber duckies, but on the bottom there was something gold shining up at me. I picked up the bin and took out rubber duckies until I could get to what was shining at me. It was a YELLOW rubber ducky!! Not only was it one, but there were LOTS of them!!! I contemplated on leaving a few for others, but I decided, "Nope, I'm buying them all!" So I picked them all out and put them on the empty shelf above me and was taking a picture of them and posting it on Facebook. While I was posting them on Facebook, a woman came by and picked up one of my rubber duckies. I was shocked and terrified! "NOOOOOO! Not MY rubber duckies! NOT MY NICK!!!" I joked around and said out loud, "Oops, better put the rest of my stash in my cart." The lady thought I was joking until she saw me putting them all in my cart.
"Oh I'm sorry." She put the one she had picked up back down. "I didn't realize this was yours. Here you go." I picked it back up and handed it to her.
"No. Please take it. If you really want a yellow rubber ducky, you can take this one. " She held it gently in her hands and smiled a HUGE smile.
"Thank you! I was looking for the perfect ornament for this year, and this is it!" I smiled and cried a little bit as my voice cracked. I told her to please enjoy it. I told her it was a gift from Nick and I shared my story with her and showed her my memorial tattoo and told her Nick wanted her to have it. And he did. I heard him in my head.. "Mom, share the rubber duckies! She needs one."
She smiled again, and told me how grateful and appreciative she was. She loved rubber duckies.
I smiled all the way back to the check out stand. And the cashier mentioned something about getting ahead on Christmas stuff. And I told her my story. (Poor cashier) But she thanked me for sharing my story with her cause it made her smile and she told me she completely understood how I felt. I could hear it in her voice. She had lost someone, and she knows the grief and she was grateful to have someone share their story so she didn't feel alone.
I realize that picking up all of the rubber duckies was a "lack mentality". Yes, I had bought enough to share with family members, but I bought MORE than enough. *laugh* Why? Because I was afraid I would lose one (thus feeling like I lost my son all over again) so I wanted to make sure I had extras just in case. Maybe "lack mentality" isn't the right phrase.. maybe its just grief. And that is okay. And I also know it is okay to give up and share my rubber duckies cause that is what Nick would want. He would want people to smile and laugh and have a good time at the holiday season. And he reminded me of that today in so many ways. I love when he comes shopping with me!
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