Unless you take those silly online quizzes that you find on facebook. Those answers are usually a bit longer winded and have some deep interpretation of your life based on your answers. Sometimes those answers are actually kind of dead on, and some times you look at them and scream, "Really? That's what you think of me??!!!"
Today, out of mind numbing boredom, I took a quiz. It had me choosing the first parts of photos that I saw and this is what it came up with about me....
"Your positive outlook on life makes you a pleasure to be around. Your smile and your sense of humor are truly infectious. You always see the glass as half-full and, as a result, life is always treat!"
Given this time of year... Halloween... I kind of feel like life is more like a trick rather than a treat, but (in general) I don't think I can really deny what this test said about me. In general, I do have a positive outlook on life and see the glass as half-full. These passed 11 months have certainly put this to the test, but there is one thing I know for certain and that is, shit happens! But just because you step in shit, doesn't mean you are drowning in it or that it can't be washed off. It doesn't even really have to ruin the shoes you were wearing when you stepped in it. LOL. Sorry, I was at the horse ranch today so I have manure on the brain I guess and it kind of has me thinking.... (Boy this blog is taking me in a different route than I thought it would.)
So, shoes that step in shit may not always be ruined (some may, but let's face it, you usually are wearing the proper attire when you go to a ranch or when you take the dog to the park). It truly is a matter of just rinsing things off, and going on you merry way. But just because you cleaned off your shoes, it doesn't mean that very unpleasant memory is going to go away. Stepping in shit might detour your plans for a little bit, but it doesn't mean you life is ruined. You might look back and think, "OMG, what a horrible experience. First it was the shit I stepped in. Then it was the way it derailed my night (which was kind of important). Then there was the cleaning the shit off of my shoes, which was NOT a pleasant experience!" Let's face it, stepping in shit and having to clean it off is NOT pleasant. You gotta scrape it off (which smells to no end) and sometimes you even track it into to the house which requires more cleaning and more stench. Then there is the real cleaning and scrubbing to get it off and make sure everything is clean. This is not a fun process and it's not a clean thing to go through. Its gross. And if it derailed your plans and made you late or had to cancel or whatever, it certainly isn't convenient. BUT....it didn't ruin your life, and it likely didn't ruin your shoes!
Grief is kind of like that. It's the huge pile of shit you didn't see as you were joyfully walking through your life. All of a sudden, there is a gross feeling of "squish", then a smell, then the "oh shit!" realization that you are going to have to go through a process to clean this mess up and get on with life.
Where am I in this "oh shit" process that is grief? To be honest, I am not really certain. Just when I think I have it all cleaned off of my shoes, the stench comes back and I find myself looking for the source of the smell and going through the process again. My shoes may be clean, but I think some of it got dragged into the house and I have to go hunting, but eventually I find it and do some more cleaning. And that is okay.
The thing is... the shit might get cleaned up and it may have derailed alot of what I thought my life would look like. But it has not ruined my shoes, my house, or my life. Even when it is all cleaned up, the memory of all of this is still going to stick around and sometimes I might even think I smell it. But I guarantee you, I won't always find it....it will just be the memory of it.
And for the record, while I was at the ranch today, I was leaning up against the wall under the pigeons and one of them pooped on my shoulder.. on my favorite sweater. LOL. It didn't ruin my sweater, my day, or my life. Just had to clean it off and keep moving. (And I was kind of asking for it, based on where I was standing.) LOL.
I'm not saying that losing my son is an easy thing to get over. You all have read my blogs, you know better than that. I cry. I get angry. I want to rip people's heads off. I know that for the rest of my life, I will have his hole that will never be filled. But it is not going to ruin my life. There is much to much to live for....and much too much life to experience. So ya, I guess I am the "glass is half full" type person. I also believe in gratitude and I'm grateful for my ability to see beyond my grief and experience the good things in life too.
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