What a crock of bullshit! No I will no apologize to my Christian friends who thought this was going to be all Christ like or that I found God or whatever........and his is why....
THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING HUMAN BEING!!!
I know the people who say these things say them because
1) They have no earthly clue how to respond to death
2) They are trying very hard to rationalize something so horrific and show empathy
3) Thy truly believe that some God up in the sky has a reason for killing off people that we love.
So today, I decided I would take out some grief on my stupid, over grown rats of the shrub world.. my rose bushes. I took out my electric trimmer and set out to work. While I was trimming some horrible vine, I saw sparks ("Oh look.. how pretty.. oh wait! That isn't suppose to happen! Oh Shit, I just trimmed the electrical cord. Guess it's time for a brain break!") I walked back to the garage and saw my next door neighbor, Jed (at least I think that is his name). Jed (we will just call him that) is a truck driver, Harley riding, uncensored, tell it like he thinks it is, unapologetic, authentic human being. My first meeting with him was last Halloween when he joined us at another neighbors house for drinks and handing out candy, and the stories that were coming out of his mouth had *me* blushing (and that is hard to do). Anyway, we greeted each other with the usual niceties. Then he asked in a very sweet way (unusual for such a gruff kind of guy), "How are you doing? I haven't seen you out and about in a while. " Then in an even quieter and gentler voice, "I heard you had a son or daughter pass..." His words got quieter and quieter as he asked this question. I smiled at him and crossed the property line to continue the conversation.
It takes alot of empathy to ask this in the way that he did. I was just thinking the other day that all of our closest (in proximity) neighbors know about Nick's accident or that we lost a child. But NONE of them have come to check on us.... not even the Mormon across the street (You can usually count on the Mormons to check on you.. who knows.. maybe they are the ones who sent the missionaries). Anyway, I thought it was odd. This neighborhood, this cluster of houses, is usually pretty tight and friendly, yet no one has checked on us. I realize death is awkward. I get it. So when Jed checked on me today... this big, burly, rough and tough guy...my heart kind of melted. AND, he is a Harley rider. He will understand more than most what this accident means to us as bike riders.
I continued the conversation. "Yes, it was our son, Nick, who was killed last November in a motorcycle accident." (I should say that my son Nate has gone over to Jed's house a couple of times to play guitar, smoke, drink and share in a few parties over there. So maybe, this conversation came up.. I don't know.) Anyway, Jed continued to ask questions about the accident. His face was filled with gently empathy. Someone who understood... another rider who understood what it means. But then he said.. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways. There is a reason for everything."
I took a deep breath and just replied with, "I guess." He continued with this train of thought. He never struck me as the Bible thumping kind of man. I kept hearing Nick in the back of my head, "WTF is that???!!!! God has NOTHING to do with this!" If Nick was buried, he would be rolling over in his grave. Maybe I should be surprise that Suzy's room is not covered in explosive ashes! Anyway, Jed kept going. I finally replied with, "If you believe in that kind of thing. To me, it's just a senseless accident that took my son from me." He continued. I could see it in his face. He was just another rider trying to make sense of a rider taken down. I understand. But from a grieving mom stand point, God had nothing to do with it.. and if he did, then what the fuck was he thinking? Why would a benevolent, loving God take my son from us? Ya.. not buying it, people.
I really can't find one good reason for Nick's death. I have tried! I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to make sense of it. But in all honesty, there is nothing. Are there lessons I can learn from the grief I experience? Yes. Would I have learned them without the death of my son, not likely. Could I have gone on with the rest of my life without having ever learned these lessons, YES. They are not vital to my existence. So, ya, do me (and every other grieving human being in his world) a favor, and take this line of thinking out of your "How to console a grieving person tool box". Please, and thanks.
On another and different note on religion.....
Grief has a way of making you think about God, Heaven, Hell, and the afterlife. I have long since given up on the idea of heaven and/or hell. For years I have believed that heaven or hell is what we make of this life that we live.. no where we go after we die. I also believe that after we die, we just return to source. I believe that we are energy in a human form and that when our human form expires our energy returns to the energy source that is all around us. Kind of like an ice cube. It is still water, but in a physical/hard form. But when you put it into a bowl of water, the physical/hard form ceases to exist and the soft/liquid form returns to become one with the rest of the water. So yes, that is what I believe happens when our physical bodies expire.
However, I have been contemplating the idea of a heaven, the kind of heaven that the Mormons believe in. It's no really heaven that I think about, but the idea that "family is forever" and that once we die, we rejoin our family members in heaven. We actually get to be with them again (or so they believe). When I was a Christian, I never believed that. I just believed we went to heaven, but our family members are just more people up in heaven, not people we would recognize as family members. And I never really gave it much thought. Why would I? I was young and never lost anyone that was that close to me to be concerned about it. But here I am, 11 months into the loss of my son. The idea of sealing a family member to another family member and "family is forever" and the idea of being with my son again in a way that is very tangible is kind of tempting. (Not tempting enough to become Mormon or to go against everything Nick believes and force him to be Mormon by doing a proxy baptism in the Temple....Nick would explode in Suzy's room!) But the idea is kind of nice, and I understand why Mormons love that part of what they believe. I get it. I would not make a good Mormon anyway.. too many things to give up. But if I could have multiple husbands (and wives) I might reconsider. *laugh*
Anyway, I don't need the family sealing. When I remind myself what I believe, that Nick's energy has returned to "source".. to the rest of the energy of this world and that we are all part of this energy and that we are all connected, then Nick IS connected to me right NOW and he is HERE right NOW... and that is also why he plays with the lights in the house. *laugh* LOL, maybe that is why I cut the electrical cord while working in the yard....Nick wanted me to see the pretty sparks :). That is something he would have loved to have seen and played with. *laugh*
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