December 29, 2015...the Last Blog Post

I suppose this is not unlike Christ's Last Supper.  But instead of having 12 disciples around me and knowing one of them will betray me or has already betrayed me, I am surrounded by 2 dogs and a cat and a tank of fish.  Even my family are in other rooms.  So I sit here alone, on my couch under a warm fuzzy blanket contemplating my last blog post of the year... a year in which was centered around grief and healing.  I am feeling very contemplative about this post.  I have needed to blog for quite some time, and several people have asked me if I was still blogging.  But the reality is, some things were just too personal and too raw to blog about.  I needed time to separate myself from the situation and sort out my emotions and chill before I could type and talk about it in public.  I know this may shock some of you, but I DO have a filter.  *laugh*

At the beginning of the year, I said I would blog daily about how I was dealing/healing with grief.  I was going to take a selfie every day to share what grief looked like on my face.  If you followed along, you noticed that I didn't blog every day and soon the selfies stopped.  The selfies stopped because my phone stopped playing nicely with my blogging site and I wasn't sure how to get my pictures from my phone to my blog.  You are welcome.  However, I have recently figured out how to do that.  So here is my last blog selfie for the year.  Actually, let's do this.  How about I post the first selfie in comparison to the last selfie.. see if there is a difference......

I have noticed something that you can't really see in these pictures and that is I have a hell of alot more gray hair on my head.  I keep coloring it cause I don't want to look at it.  Grief has taken its toll in so many levels, but I think that is one of the most visible and uncontrollable ways. I mean, my weight is pretty visible, but that is controllable.  Gray hair coming out of your head, is not something you can control; you can hide it, but you can't stop it from happening.  It happened for Tracy too.  We have gained a significant amount of gray hair over the course of a year (and it's not really because of our age).  *laugh*  We are old but we are not THAT old.  And I have also noticed more (and/or deeper) wrinkles in my face this year.  I just look older than I did before Nick died.  It is what it is.  

More than just the physical features, I have noticed other things in my life change over the last year. Friendships have changed.  Some who were very close are not so close and others are even closer.  I'm sure I have mentioned that before.  There is no judgement in that; it is just an observation.  As for my part in this, I have become more reclusive. Some things just don't seem all that important to me.  While others have a deeper impact.  Some things make my friends extremely happy while those same things remind me of my own pain (though some of that is getting better).  Some things that hurt my friends, last year I had absolutely NO patience for and this year, I am finding it easier to dig up the compassion needed to give my friends the space they need to feel what they feel in that moment.  

What I have learned is that each of us has our own struggles and every emotion for each person is valid and trying to compare my emotion to someone else's emotion is a ridiculous practice and only causes pain and harm and limits my ability to grow, move on, feel a complete range of emotions and be a good friend to those I love.  

Grief is an inherently selfish emotion.  It is a necessary evil. It helps us cope with something that is so unfathomable, but it also is deeply rooted in "me".   When we act and live from a place of grief it 1) protects us from other pain in a time when we just can't take any more pain and 2) can hurt those people around us because we can not see beyond our own pain.  In a way it retards the amount of compassion we can feel for others around us.  And that is harmful.    When allowed, Grief can become more than just an emotion we feel, instead it becomes a monster that acts of its own volition.  It starts acting, thinking, talking for us.  It takes over everything we do.  And it wants other people to join it.  It wants to consume other people's joy.  It wants to stop and yell.. "Wait!!!  Stop!!!  Look at me!!!  See me!!  Feel me!!! It's all about me!!!  Your actions must revolve around me!!!  You don't get to live your own life.. you must live life by MY rules!"  

I'm not saying grief is a bad thing. Like I said, it is necessary to feel. But it is also necessary to MOVE THROUGH.  It is not a destination.  If it was a destination, it would not be some place you would want to be for very long, as a matter of fact, having been through it, I would think it would be a place you would pay any amount of money to get the hell out of!  But the ability to MOVE THROUGH it, is a gracious an beautiful thing.  To look at grief as something fluid and temporary is empowering.  I am not saying that I will not always have loss in my life.  I am not saying that I am going to live in denial about my son's death.  What I am simply saying is that I will not be the mom that allows Grief to move into my heart and take over.  I will not make every decision in my life based on the fact that I lost Nick.  

We go through life feeling grief over so many things.  The loss of our innocence (if we were raped).  The loss of a job (if it was out of our control). The loss of a house (if it was taken by some kind of disaster).  We have the ability to feel grief over all of those things (and so much more).  We go through the stages of grief for all of those things.  But in all of those things, we MOVE THROUGH grief and grow and move on.  So why then, do we think that with the death of a close loved one, our experience with grief needs to be any different?  Yes, we feel differently about our loved ones than we do a job, a house, a car, or whatever.  But the process is the same.

I remember when I first started this idea of blogging every day and seeing how my grief would change and heal over the year and I was told that I would not be over this in a year.  And then later in the year by someone different I was told I should be further along in the healing process.  It's time to move on.  During this process I was reminded of another friend of mine who lost her child YEARS ago, and I met her 5 years after she lost her son an I remember how grief stricken she still was 5 years later; I see her now, and though she still misses her son on a daily basis, it looks as though she has MOVED THROUGH to the next stage.  But all year long, I have watched other angel moms and observed where they are in this "game".  And I have paid attention to myself.  

There was a "game" I was starting to play.  It was called "The Anniversary Train Game".  Every 10th of the month, I would be sad.  The first birthday without Nick.  The first Thanksgiving and Christmas (which came before I started blogging about all of this). The first wedding anniversary for he and Suzy.  My first birthday without him (all of our first birthdays without him).  Tracy's first dad's day.....  You get the idea.  Then the 1st anniversary of his death......    It was right around the first anniversary of his death that I came across a talk show hosted by another friend of mine (who's family is also going through grief of a younger family member) and she had a Grief Coach on her show.  The Grief Coach started talking about The Grief Train.  It hit me hard, like a brick to the head. It is one thing to mark the "firsts" for things, that is totally  natural.  But am I going to spend the rest of my life dreading days that mark anniversaries that Nick is not here for?  Am I going to spend every month dreading the 10h of the month?  I don't celebrate every 10th of the month cause Nate was born on December 10th, so why in the hell would I dread every 10th of the month because Nick was killed on that day in November?   Am I going to spend every Thanksgiving miserable because Nick isn't alive or am I going to spend it grateful for the things that ARE in my life and be grateful for the times when Nick was here?  

Listening to this shifted my perspective. Everything in this life is about perspective and how we choose to look at things.  How am I going to walk through my life looking at things?  Am I going to look through the lens of joy and life or am I going to look through the lens of grief and death?  

I am not perfect.  And I know there will be days when I miss my boy more than anything and I am going to cry.  I accept that.  But I will not accept being STUCK in ANY destination.  If I don't like something, I have the ability to change it.  If I don't like where I am, I have the choice and the ability to walk away. I have the amazing ability to create a new reality. I can't bring Nick back. The reality is that his physical body is gone forever; however, I had the amazing creative  ability to think out of the box (quite literally) and take some of his physical ashes to Boise Glass Art to have pieces of art created with his ashes so that Nick will be with us forever...in a creative way transformed by fire (which was his favorite thing!)   I have his photos, which I have used to create photo books.  We have his thumb print.  We see him in rubber duckies.  We have his tattoo on us.  He is not gone.  We have chosen to honor him and to live with him in creative-out-of-the-box ways.  So there is no reason to be STUCK in a destination and I can MOVE THROUGH grief and into something new.

With that said, there are still things that happen that remind us of our pain of loss.  These things are bitter sweet.  Like Suzy moving on with a new love in her life.  We know she will always love and miss Nick.  And her new beau was friends with them while they were in school and continued a friendship with Nick after Nick and Suzy got married. He respects what they had and in no way wants to replace Nick.   We adore Tom, but that does not mean that some things hurt.  Once again, there is a significant lack of books on this subject.. "What to do and how to feel when your son's widow moves on....."  "How to Gracefully Let Go and Accept Change".....    I think things might be a bit different if she were not living at home with us, but that is not the case.  With her living at home with us, this budding romance has been very much in our space and face.  No one ever intended to cause pain or make things uncomfortable, but the reality is, it has.  The reality is, it has been a year since Nick has been gone and Suzy is very into Tom (at least from what we have seen).  At one point, he was spending every night in our house.  When we realized he had spent just about every night in our house for an entire month, we realized it was time that changes be made.  If they care enough about each other to want to spend very night together, then it is time, that Suzy find her own place and create an independent life for herself.

Asking Suzy to create a plan to move out was one of the hardest things we have ever done.  I felt as though I had chopped off a limb of my body.  I felt as though I was losing Nick all over again.  I also imagined what it must have felt like for her.  She has lost Nick and now her family is asking her to move out; she must have felt like she was also losing her family.  But that isn't it at all.  At some point all chicks must leave the nest.  Out of all of the chicks in our nest, she is the only one who has a significant amount of money to make leaving the nest easier.  She is also nearly 27 years old and has never had her own place.  It is time.  It is part of growing up.  It is part of being an independent adult. 

This process has been so very painful on every one's end.

I can only speak for myself when I say that all I have ever wanted was a house filled with the laughter of children.  I have adored having a house filled with nearly all of my children.  It makes my heart swell with joy when we are all together around a fire pit laughing together.  It makes me happy when we are all squished in a car driving to dinner or the movies.  It makes me happy when we are all going to shows together.  But it is also very difficult to live in a house with 6 adults and 1 teenager!  As a parent, all we want is for our children to grow up an become productive, independent adults who can take care of themselves and at some point (when the time comes) help take care of us.  

Could the timing of this conversation with Suzy have been better?  Yes.  It happened just before Christmas, in the middle of birthday season, right after my surgery when I was crazy emotional, and when Suzy is unemployed and about to head to Peru for 3 weeks.  But timing doesn't change the fact that it needs to happen.....that it's time for our chick to leave the nest and fly on her own.  It doesn't stop us from loving her.  I don't know if she will ever realize just how much we love her.  I don' think she will ever realize just how much I want to cling on to her and hold her tight.  I don't think she will ever realize just how much letting her go and encouraging her to create a new life with a new man hurts.  But it is the next step in the healing process for us all.  It is part of the MOVING THROUGH grief.  

As for the other adult chicks in our nest......those 2 are a work in progress as well.  Tricia was also talked to at the same time as Suzy.  They were both asked to create a plan to move out.  Tricia's plan is a bit more involved, and is not wrapped up in grief but rather lack of any other family support and financial means.  Hers is truly a task of helping her become independent, which starts with helping her get a car so she is more mobile and not stuck with a job that is within walking distance.  And Nate?  His path did involve grief, and healing.  It also involves his Aspergers and keeping a job long term.  For the first time in his working life, he is so close to having kept a job for a year.  That is HUGE for him.  So yes, even in healing from grief, we have been working with him to get him on his feet and getting him independent..like having him pay his own bills (car insurance and phone).  Steps have been made in his independence as well.  I guess our task for next year is to help all of our adult chicks leave the nest.....and that is a huge healing step for me... letting go of my chicks and moving on.

I still want to hold onto them all so tightly.  If they are all still in my nest, I can protect them and maybe they won't be killed or die.  But I also know that is an irrational thought and does no one any good.  So fly they must.  

I just hope that as tough as this all seems, I really hope they understand how much love goes into these hard decisions.   And, gods, I hope I have the strength to hold up during this transition because I know the push back (in some cases) will be painful.  

Here's to MOVING THROUGH.

November 11, 2015 Now What?

Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of Nick's death.  I really had no idea what to expect from such a day.  I have never really had to deal with this before.  I can tell you that the night before, Tracy and I were very, very sad and heavy hearted.  We took the kids to see Peanuts the Movie.  It was cute, but we still felt sad and heavy.  (At least Tracy and I did).

We woke up on the 10th and felt a bit odd.  What do we do today?  It was kind of like the anticipation of Christmas without the happiness.  The whole family had taken the day off.  What do we do with this day off.  It was after 9 and we were just rolling out of bed.  Tracy asked if I wanted to get the kids and go to breakfast.  Suzy was already up and drinking hot chocolate.  We woke up Naomi.  And I double checked and found Nate still in bed so I woke him up.  Tricia and Tom had gone to work.  So it was just the "original" four of us.

We headed to Cracker Barrell which was Nick's favorite place to go.  We feasted on tons of food, but there was no real talk about Nick.  We laughed and just kind of acted like everything was normal.  It was bizarre.

We came home and Naomi went up to sleep for hours.  Tracy slept on the couch.  I worked on a memorial video.  Suzy napped.  Nate picked up Tricia from work.  Everything just seemed kind of normal.

The only thing that wasn't "normal" were all of the posts on our Facebook walls.  We were getting messages from friends filled with love and support.  People were posting "I miss you messages" on Nick's wall.  Family members were posting pictures of Nick.  Friends were posting pictures of Nick.  People all over the country were posting about missing Nick.  He was so loved.

What I found a bit odd (or maybe not) were the people who didn't message me.  People who were at one time considered my closest friends.  They were silent.  Nothing from them.  The other thing that was odd was a comment on a Facebook post.  One of Nick's college friends posted a very touching post about missing Nick.  It was very sweet.  Then below that one of Nick's friends wrote a horrible, vile comment (not about Nick.....but about the way things changed after his death, and of course, she mentioned Nick in it.)  I wanted to scream.  I had long since un-friended her after she proved to be a very toxic person and liked using Nick's name and memory as  weapon against other friends.  Tracy saw her comment was was furious and was going to ask the original poster to remove it. He didn't; and today, that comment was gone.  I don't know what happened to it, and I don't care.  The only reason I mention it now is because grief has a strange way of effecting people.  Friendships fall apart sometimes.  It's sad, but true.  People misplace their anger an it causes a rift in relationships.  IF you can't face grief and look at it for what it is, it will poison the way you live in ocher areas.  You have to work through the grief and remember it can color every aspect of you life.  You have to learn to dissect and really look at your reactions and your motives.  It's hard to do, but it is necessary.

Once Tom got off of work, we all went bowling.  We had a great time laughing and bowling and drinking.  If you had asked me a year ago, if I would have been okay with Suzy's new boyfriend hanging out with us on the anniversary of Nick's death, I am not sure what I would have said.  But to be quite honest, I was glad our morning started with just the "original family" (the ones who lost Nick), but I would not have wanted bowling to go any other way.  I wanted ALL of us together, including Suzy's boyfriend.   After all, Tom was friends with Nick and he was mourning Nick as well.
Finally, we came home and sat around the fire pit.   It was the perfect night for a fire pit.  It was cold.  The sky was clear.  And we had our family together.

Over all, there was not much talk about Nick or memories of Nick.  We talked a little bit, but mostly we didn't.  I think when you spend a whole year talking about him an thinking about him, the actual anniversary of his death, while sad, was kind of anti-climatic.   That's not to say I didn't break down and cry.  It's funny what makes you cry.  I saw things all day long that should have made me cry.  But it wasn't until I saw a post from Chelsea (Nick and Suzy's best friend) about how she and Akeem were remembering Nick that night with Gitas, pineapple pizza and Rocky Horror Picture Show that I busted out into tears.  I don't know why THAT got me, but it did.  I didn't bawl for long, but I did cry.

Now that a year has passed, an it passed rather quietly and uneventfully (at least from my perspective), I woke up this morning thinking, "What now?"

What if I had spent an entire year wearing black (like some traditions).  Today would be the first day I could wear color again.  Does that practice actually help with the  healing process?  Or would I just start grieving once I had the freedom to express myself?  I don't know.  What if Suzy had decided not to date for the first year?  Today would have been he day she would have opened herself up to dating?  Would waiting that long have been easier or harder on us?  But none of that happened.  We spent an entire year, mourning and healing.  We spent an entire year moving on with our lives while remembering Nick every single day.  Yesterday was just the anniversary of the day he was taken from us.  I think I spent more energy and grief worrying about the day, than I did on the actual day.  (which is normal)

But what now?   One of my friends suggested that my grief would now look like this:  "Last year at this time, i was doing (enter activity here)......."  So okay, last year on the 11th, i was in shock and flying to Florida to start this process.  Before my friend told me this, I actually had this thought process start in my head.  And I asked myself, "What are you doing?  Do you really want to grieve over the grief process?  Do you really want to spend another year looking at things and saying, "A year ago, I was pissed because of this?"

When is enough enough?  No I'm not saying that my grief ends now that a year has past.  But I refuse to let the healing process be slowed down by looking back at a year's worth of pain when I can choose to look at life and celebrate life.  It is one thing to spend a year missing my son; it is something completely different to give up valuable life force energy on looking back at the way I felt over the last year.  It's time to move forward.

Because I am writing the book, I will be spending time looking back.  But even today, as I did my writing, I felt lighter when I looked back at my blogs and things.  Some pain has been removed.  It was easier today.

My family has made it passed the one year mark.  Not only have we made it passed, but we did it together.  We loved together.  We communicated openly.  We shared happy moments. We cried in each other's arms.  We went on vacation.  We went to graduation.  We met 2 new boyfriends and went through break ups with Suzy.  We added family members with Tricia moving in.  We settled some more into our home, making it feel like our home.  Naomi continues to navigate the drama that is high school and teenage life.  Tracy managed to make it through work almost every single day.  Nate has found a job that he loves and is great at.  I have held it together even on days when I felt like I was falling apart, and I even managed to keep dancing.  My family kept on moving.  We kept on loving.  We pulled together and made it through together.

I am grateful for my amazing family.  I am grateful for my children.  I am grateful that Tracy and I love each other so much.  I am grateful for our friends who have been so very supportive.

I know we will always miss Nick.  I know Nick will always be with us.  And today, seems to be harder on some of my family than yesterday.  But we as a family unit, are strong and supportive and we will work through this together like we do everything else.

Here's to continued healing.

November 9th, 2015 Ticking Time Bomb

Today I really couldn't adult.  Actually, I don't think were many in my family who could.  Naomi couldn't even "teenager".. well okay, she plays angry teenager well right now.

I seriously just wanted to stay curled up under my blanket today.  I kept feeling the feeling welling up inside of me.  "Just cry, damn it!" But alas, no tears.  I had a speech pathologist appointment today so I HAD to kind of sort of adult.  I stood in the shower with really hot water stinging my skin.  I could feel the tears reach my eyes, yet, none would actually produce.  "Just cry, damn it!"  Still no tears.  I knew I needed to cry.  I have needed to cry for what seems like a week now, but nothing ever happens.  This pent up rage was filling me up.  I was like one of those noise gauge at a sporting event.  The anger gauge was getting dangerously high.  No one was going to be safe.  NO ONE!  I was ready to tear apart innocent teddy bears.

I got dressed and headed out the door.  And damn it it, the tears started to flow.  Seriously?  In my car?  While I"m driving?  Cant my tear ducts over flow when I'm home safe under a blanket in a dark room?  Nope.  They wait until I am alone, in a car, in traffic.  Stupid!

I changed cars with Tracy at his office.  Then I was off to my doctors.  But my car needed gas and I needed comfort food.  A stop at the gas station with a MacDonald's it was.  I put the pump in my car and I ran in.  There was NO ONE inside, and even the drive thru lane was not that busy.  Yet, I stood at the register for a good 5 minutes while silly little young adults stood round chatting and laughing.  They even looked at me and did not acknowledge me.

Did I mention I was a ticking time bomb?

I felt that danger level rising.  I was bout to explode. The young man finally took my order.  It's MacDonald's.  It should be fast.  I filled my drink and then stood and waited.  I listened to these young people talk about their social life, about facebook posts, about relationships.  "Where the hell was my food???!!!!!!"  I let out a very loud sigh.  The guy who had just ordered looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound good.  I'm in a hurry too."  I mumbled under my breath, "If they would stop discussion their personal lives, I would have my food and be on my way by now."  I was ready to jump over the counter and rip their every loving hearts out!

I took another deep breath.  These silly kids had no idea what was going on in my world.  They had no idea, they were dealing with a ticking time bomb, and more importantly, the way I was feeling had nothing to do with them.  It was not their fault.  Another deep breath.

Finally, they gave me my food and I bolted to my car before I exchanged my cheeseburger for a deep fried 20 something.

I arrived at the rehab place and I imagined answering the "How are you" question with, "My life sucks balls right now."  But that is really not me.  No reason to be crass.

My speech therapy went well in spite of my crying fest.  She knew this week would be hard for me and she was very compassionate.  We discussed some of my issues.  I have discovered (and brought in) some real examples of my reading problems.  I have said before that I feel illiterate, and I know I am not.  Today, though, I was validated.  No, I am not illiterate, but as I was taking a reading comprehension test, we found out that I have some very reason issues that would make me feel illiterate.  I had to read a short paragraph about the discovery of the Grand Canyon.  I had to read it out loud.  My mouth could not form the words and get them out.  I sounded like a grade schooler who was trying to read.  Then I couldn't even answer the comprehension questions.  Yes, indeed, I am experiencing issues that would make me feel illiterate.  Once again, I have been told, this is a vision issue and once I get into occupational therapy, this will all start to heal up very quickly.  *keeping my fingers crossed*

Tonight, when Tracy got home from work, we were both sitting on the couch feeling like a ton of rocks were sitting on our shoulders.  We couldn't even sleep last night.  Grief has taken a firm grip.  Naomi is feeling weighted down too.  We decided to take the kids to see the Peanuts Movie.  It was cute, but like any other distraction, once its over, the reality is still there.

*Suzy and Tom, if/when you read the following, please do not take this personally.. its not about you.. its about how I am feeling about the loss of Nick.. not about you two being together.  I love you both, and Tom you are good for Suzy and for this family*

Today I have been angry. I was angry that Suzy is happily involved with Tom.   I was angry that she is moving on.  (While I want her to be happy and I know she will never ever forget my son or stop loving him and  generally I am happy for her, right now it is very hard to see her canoodling with someone who is not Nick.  This is my issue not hers.  I know this is only temporary.  But it still hurts.)  I want my son back.  I believe Naomi is having a rough time too.  This morning was really hard for her to have Tom here this morning.  I understand.  We love Tom.  We want Suzy to be happy.  And we miss our Nick.  I'm really not sure how to reconcile that, and maybe there is not a way.  It's like the kids at MacDonald's today.  It's not their fault I'm angry.  They didn't kill my son.  And It's not Suzy's fault and it's  not Tom's fault.  But right now I want to rage.

Today I felt like I have spent a year caring for everyone else.  I feel like I have been strong for everyone else, but I have not allowed myself to rage and cry and be sad.  Today I really wanted to just sink into that feeling of sadness and grief and anger.  It felt so self-indulgent.  But after I left my appointment I saw a post on Facebook from Naomi.  She was upset from something at school.  Tracy came home from work, he looked like a train had hit him.  No time for me to cry, rage or indulge my feelings. I needed to go into mom mode and be there for my family.

I wondered how Tracy was dealing today.  I didnt'/couldn't adult today and I don't have a job I have to go.  Tracy has a job he has to go to.  He has work to do, people to manage, decisions to  make.  How the hell is he managing this?  How the hell has he done this all year?  Nope.  I dont' get to whine about wanting to sit in a cave and indulge my grief.. not when my husband has to get up and go to work every day... not when my kid has to get up and go to school.... not when Nate has to get up and go into work with a cheery attitude and make his sales quota.  I don't get to be sad and mopey in a cave all day.

I have heard about women who had still births, miscarriages, or infant deaths who experience a real pain in their arms like phantom pain from holding a baby.. or missing holding a baby.  Today, I felt that.  I don't know why.  But all of a sudden, I felt this phantom pain of what used to be in my arms.. this little baby of mine. Nick hasn' been a little baby in a very long time, but today I felt as if my young baby was ripped out of my arms.  It hurt like none other.

As we drove home from the movie tonight it was 40 degrees with wet streets.   I was mentioning how exciting it will be to wake up and see snow on the mountains tomorrow.  I expressed my hope for snow on the ground here in the valley.  I know Suzy hates it.  But I love it.  More importantly, Nick loved it.  He loved playing in the snow.  Tracy suggested that maybe we take off to play in the snowy mountains tomorrow.  That sounds like heaven to me.  Actually last night when I couldn't sleep, I begged Nick to send snow for the anniversary of his death.

Tonight I was reminded of the years in Arizona.  When the first snow hit the mountains, we would take the kids out of school and drive up to the snow.  We were often ill prepared for the snow.  But we would go out there and build snowmen, sled around and have snow ball fights.  We didn't care.  IF it was during the day, the kids would skip school.  If it was at night, we would go in the dark and play by headlights.  This family loves snow!  When we first moved here in 2002, the first snow came in November.  We were heading to the movies at Edwards Cinema at the Spectrum and flurries were flying.  We actually called friends and family in other states and told them.  The kids were so excited to see snow in Boise.  Nick loved to sled.  He loved to ski and then  later snowboard.  He was fabulous at it!  Both he and Nate were fearless...hitting all the jumps they could.  Thy loved swishing through powder together. When our entire family was together up on a ski hill, it was magical!  It was the perfect day!  When were were all together tubing down the Pepsi Goldrush Hill at Bogus, we were always causing a ruckus.  The Spiva clan is anything but subtle.  We would make big human chains and go super fast.  Years ago, part of our chain actually went over the berme at the end.  After that year, Bogus slowed down the hill and raised the berme.  Yup, we caused that change.  The Spiva clan is fearless and crazy and always full of laughter.  God I miss Nick.

November 8, 2015 364 Days of Grief

Okay, not every day has been sad.  But at least once a day every day Nick has been in my thoughts.  Then again, all of my kids are in my thoughts every day.  The only difference is, Nick will never be here physically for me to hold and talk to ever again, and that totally sucks!

This weekend has been filled with moments of breath stifling grief.  It's like an elephant sits on my chest.  Each breath is hard to take.  It's literally a labor of love to take my next breath.

When Nick was killed, we began to take life one breath at a time.  Then it changed to one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day until finally here we are knocking on the door of one whole year without this brilliant, silly, talented soul in our lives.

We knew this time was coming.  Friends told me this day was coming (like I would be able to forget).  They told me not to let November 10th blind side me.  They told me to have a plan.  Great.  Plan is in place.  But what I wasn't ready for were these last couple of days leading up to November 10th.

There are times when I feel like it isn't real.  There have been times in the last couple of days like I could deny this ever happened.  There have been days when I felt like I could make a bargain with whatever force it out there in order to bring him back.  I would totally sell my soul to the devil if I believed in such a thing.  There have been moments when I might have even forgot about this whole thing and laughed and had a good time.  But in the very next moment I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am in denial.  It is all very real.  It is too real.  I am worried.  I feel like I am shattering into a million pieces.  I feel like I have been glue back together again in some cruel joke cause we all know I am just going to shatter again.  Resistance is futile!  I will be assimilated into this secret society of grieving parents.

This weekend, I have watched a light leave my daughter's eyes.  It is a mixture of broken heart from a break up from a boyfriend and a mixture of grief over her brother. How do I dissect the two?  I can't.  All I can do is hold her.  But I can't even promise her that all will be okay.  I know we will get through this, but I can not tell her that she will get over this. We will only get through this (never over it).  I know that we will find joy again. I know that we will be happy again.  But right now, the emotional weather looks like "Sadness with a 100% chance of teary precipitation".  Actually, it looks more like "The eye of Hurricane Grief will be passing over our home in the next 24 hours, but the outer rings have already begun to hit and our hurricane shutters are barely holding up."

Tonight, I went to a burlesque show.  I had front row center stage seats, my favorite place.  I love my Glitter Family!  They played with me while they performed.  I helped them up the stage,  I had dirty little nothings whispered in my ears.  I got to squirt mustard on the backside of one of my sisters.  I got to help skin a deer.  And I even got brought on stage and proposed to by the handsome Chaz!  I laughed and I hollered.  I had a great time visiting with non performing friends.  It was a great night.  But as soon as it was over, I was overwhelmingly sad.  My sister and mentor came to hug me after the show. She gives the best hugs.  (Have I mentioned I love my Glitter Family?.. .and they love me back.)   Tonight, I drove home, willing the tears to fall.  If the dam of my grief would just break, I would feel so much better, right?  But no.  All I can feel is the pressure building.  I know it's going to burst open, and when it does I am not sure how I will ever be able to collect the pieces and rebuild again.

But rebuild we must.

I guess every year will be like this.  I have talked to enough Angel Mommas to know that every year, it will hurt.  But those who have been through years and even decades of this promise me, that each year the dam pieces get fewer and fewer.  There is hope.  But for the time being, please read all of the caution signs carefully.  Batten own the hatches, and be prepared, a hurricane is coming.  

November 5, 2015 What Kind of Person Are You?

Man, this has to be a quick blog.  I need to get ready to go out tonight.

A  year ago, before Nick was killed, I was a really happy joy filled person.  I was up for anything.  I laughed often.  I danced all of the time and I didn't anger very easily.  I was the kind of person people found inspiration in.

Today, almost a year later, I am not quite certain what kind of person I am.   I realize things are a bit fluid with me.  I also realize that losing a child changes you (sometimes permanently).  I also realize, I get to choose who I get to be.  But none of that really makes a person feel better.  All of that is a bit cliche.

I realized today that I still have some deep seeded anger under the surface.  It usually stays buried unless some idiot driver does something on the road.  I have a good case of road rage now.  That is definitely something that I picked up since Nick died.  I also have a pretty quick temper, which I never used to have.  I was the level headed one in the family.  The only time I have had anger management issues was either when i was working at a company I hated (back in Florida) or when the repressed sexual abuse issues resurfaced along with multiple personalities.  *laugh*  So yes, I guess Nick's death could be the source of my anger issues and hopefully one day they will disappear and fade away into the sunset.   Until then, you might want to walk on egg shells around me or avoid touchy conversations, and God forbid you tell me you are one of those Planned Parenthood protesters!

The other thing that got me going today was the dream I had just before I woke up this morning.

I was in a school, and I saw Nick.  I yelled to get his attention,  "He buddy boy, you have time to give your mom a hug?"  "No, Mom.  I'm late for class.  I love you!"  And with a smile and messed up hair he ran up the stairs to class.  I saw him upstairs through the railing, his eyes bright, his voice deep and playful,  "Food!!!!  Why didn't anyone tell me there was food up here!!!!"  He was laughing an grabbing food as he walked into his class, and I was walking into some sort of concert.  I went to sit down by myself, but his friends were there and they asked me to join him.  They didt' want me to be alone.

I could actually hear Nick's voice.  I could feel his love in his eyes.  And everyone around us felt the love between us and I remember thinking in my dream, "I love that he and I could love each other so publicly without shame or embarrassment."

Then I woke up.....and he was gone again.  Even as I type this, I cry.  I swear its like someone takes him away from me every time I dream about him.  It's like he was killed all over again.  And it sucks!

How can I NOT walk around mad when that happens? Yes, I can focus on how much he loved me an how amazing we were all together OR I can focus on the grief.  But the thing is.....the grief is real and is right here and FRESH.  (at least today.  tomorrow is a different day.)

So for now, I'm gonna rush and change clothes and get dressed and go hang out with some pretty kick ass women and surround myself with laughter, art, and dance.   Heading to RAW tonight!

November 4, 2015 Maybe I should Have Taken Notes???

Today has been a good day.  I really do have more good days than bad these days.

I am enjoying writing my novel and have ideas of weaving some of my favorite themes in through it, but who knows.

I met with another angel mom today for coffee.  But before we were angel moms we were friends. It was nice to visit with her.  We are both writing books about our experiences.  I find it interesting that we both lost our sons, but we lost them in different ways.  Mine was killed on a motorcycle; her's took his own life.  We still grieve, but our grief manifests differently.  And beyond that, I have other friends who have lost their children to suicide and still the way they grieve is different than the friend i met today.  I have talked to several women about the loss of their children and there is one thing we all have in common, that is that we all grieve differently.  There is no real clear course on the journey of grief.  There are so many things that play into how we grieve:  the relationship we had with our child, the way our child was lost, the age of our child, our faith or lack their of, what tools we already had in our tool chest, the support system we have around us.  All of these things, and more, help guide us along our journeys.

There is also a common thread among angel moms that doesn't really get talked about.  No one should ever compare their grief to another person.  People in the same family will grieve differently over the same death.  That is because each person had an individual relationship with the loved one who died.  Moms and Dads will grieve differently and sometimes might not even understand why the other grieves the way that they do, and sometimes that lends itself to comparing and might even have one saying, "You don't understand.  You have no right to grieve that way."  I know that sounds harsh, but after talking to several people, this seems to be common.  I think we moms have this feeling like "we carried this child in our womb for 9 months.  We felt the kicks deep inside.  We felt the hiccups.  We were uncomfortable.  This child was PART of me."  But that doesn't make our grief any more important than the husbands.  Nor does it invalidate the grief of he husband or partner who didn' carry the child. And what about adoptive parents who were excitedly waiting for the birth of their child only to have that child not survive birth.  That adoptive parent still had hopes, dreams and even love for that child.  They still need to grieve.  No one can tell you that you are not allowed to grieve and no one is allowed to tell you HOW to grieve or when grief should stop.

This coffee date with my friend Randy was eye opening, and I wish I had taken notes on what I thought about.

The other thing I wish I had taken notes on are the quotes used in Yoga tonight.  Nate and i finally made it to yoga tonight.  We have been talking about it for months it seems.  We finally made it, and the quotes the instructor read were amazing and so on point for my thought process lately.  *sigh*  Oh well.  What can I do.  I guess I could have stayed around until she came out an asked here for the quotes, but I didn't.  I wish my brain wasn't an in one ear out the other kind of brain.

Here's to a peaceful night's sleep after yoga.. and a beautiful day tomorrow!!!

November 3, 2015 I Love My Family

Today I had the best idea for today's blog post, but I put off writing till now and something else caught my attention and I can't remember what it was I was originally going to post about.  My life has a way of doing that.

I went to more concussion therapy today.  I visited with the social worker in charge of my case first.  She is the 2nd person to make sure that we were honoring ourselves and our grief process on the 10th.  Yes, we are.  We also talked about the toll grief has taken on the concussion symptoms that I experience.  I do realize that grief has compounded the symptoms, but the symptoms were there before Nick's death.  It's okay, we will get this figured out, and maybe, just maybe,  the recent flare up will get better after the anniversary comes and goes.

After the social worker, I visited with the speech pathologist.  We are making some real progress in therapy with her.  It's not really therapy that makes the symptoms go away.  It's more therapy to help manage the symptoms and life to avoid experiencing symptoms.  Last week we focused on getting all of our bills on auto payment so that I will not forget to pay them (which has been happening entirely too much in the last 3 years).  Today we talked about phone apps to be used to help me keep lists and my life organized.  I will spend this week going over the apps and getting things taken care of that way.  We also discussed the novel writing project and she agreed that it is a great idea as a tool for building my brain endurance.  (Ohhhh..that is what I was going to write about.)

We talked about builing my brain endurance.  As an endurance athlete, this reallly struck home with me.  Though I have a tendency to complete half marathons without training (or even a marathon without training), putting my brain through that kind of fete is even more painful than putting my muscles and bones through that kind of thing.  If I run a half marathon or marathon without training, my body may hurt for a couple of days or a week, but I recover pretty quickly (most of the time).  But if I try to push my brain to read too much too soon or don't take brain breaks, the hang over on the brain is so much more painful and really does take me out of life for a week.  The brain endurance has to be built up gradually and trained just as if I was training my body for a marathon.  (I never really thought about it that way).

I also had another realization today.  I have been pouting about my brain limitations and having to compensate for my current brain strength.  I keep comparing myself to what I used to be (the person who read a book a week).  Now it takes me a month to read a book.  I used to learn 10 choreos a week for Zumba and now I struggle with 1 choreo in months for belly dance.  The more I compare myself, the more unhappy I get.  The thing is, I did the same thing with my physical body.  I compare where I am today, to the size 10 woman who ran for miles and miles just for fun.  My body can't run anymore, and I am guilty of beating myself up.  It has taken me quite a while to love my body for where it is right now and for what it can do right now.  Looking back gets me nowhere.  The only thing I can control is right NOW and I need to appreciate both my body and my mind for what it is an what it can do right now (which is still much more than some people).

Now that I have remembered that, I also wanted to share my thoughts on dinner tonight.

Tonight was a fundraiser for Meridian High School Choir tour.  10% of the food sales went to the choir.  The entire family went tonight.  All seven of us sat at the table together.  We blew straw wrappers at each other.  We threw peanut shells at each other.  We laughed and giggled an shared food and drink with each other.  Omi's eyes were bright and happy.  Tom and Suzy as well as Nate and Trish made googly eyes at each other.  And then Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's song "Fishing In The Dark" came on.  Tracy and I started singing at the top of our lungs.  This song came out our senior year in high school, and we used to go to the lake and sit under the stars and kiss to this song.  There we were, surrounded by our happy children and remembering our high school years as lovers.  I felt such bliss in that moment.  I love having my entire family together.

I am so grateful for the beautiful life Tracy and I have created together.  I'm so grateful to share every day with my best friend.  And I am so very grateful my beautiful kids.

November 2, 2015 Can Someone Please Stop Time?

We had a crazy weekend and the days keep flying by.  While I am ecstatic that the weekend was so fun (compared to last weekend's break up drama), I am not thrilled that the days keep passing and the 10th is approaching.

First let me say, that the weekend was a total blast.  It has been a very long time since I have seen Naomi act like a typical teenager.   After Naomi started dating Kasey, her anxiety started to get more intense.  She would never admit to that, but as her parents we saw a shift in her (after the initial "honey moon period" wore off).  I'm not saying it is Kasey's fault; it's more of an observation.  Then when Nick was killed, Naomi's emotional state really took a turn.  Anyway, it has just been a very long time since she has acted like a typical teenager.  The only teenagers she saw (other than Kasey) was her best friend Kenzy and just before school started, she saw Caleb.  Other than that, Naomi did not socialize outside of school.  This past weekend was a far cry from that.

Friday night she had a group of her friends join her at a Haunted Woods for some Halloween fun.  It was Naomi, Lyssa, Cody, Carter and Deklin.  We dropped Omi and Lyssa off to meet the other kids and Tracy and I took off on a date night for Sushi and 80's arcade games.

Tracy and I had a blast playing games of our childhood.  It brought back memories of hanging out Bunky's doughnuts and playing arcade games while we waited to be picked up.  We giggled and laughed and gave each other some competition.  It was so fun just to act like kids again.

We finished our $10 in quarters just in time to head out to pick up the kids by closing time at 11:00 pm.  When we pulled into the parking lot, it looked pretty deserted but the kids were no where in sight.  We waited for a bit until we saw a line of five teenagers coming out, and it looked as if Naomi was holding hands with one of the boys!  Oy Vay!  She was holding hands with Deklin, a boy she has known since junior high.  He used to walk her home from school.  I am glad they are hanging out and talking again.  But more importantly, ALL of the kids were giggling and laughing.  I got out of the car to take a picture of all of them, and we met Deklin's grand dad who had come to pick up Deklin and Carter.  It was nice to visit with him for a bit.  Then we all piled in our cars to drive home.  We were taking Cody and Lyssa home.  All the way home, the kids very animatedly talked and giggled about their night.  I was grinning from ear to ear.

Saturday, we woke up early to go meet the Ford Excursion guy.  We had decided to buy it.  She is a beast!  That is her name.  The Beast.  Then it was off to breakfast where Naomi continued to talk our ears off.  She was planning an evening with her friends that night.  But first, she had horse riding lessons.

We arrived at the ranch and Naomi got to have a group lesson with the other two teenagers who lease with Jami (the trainer).  All three of the girls rode circles in the arena following Jami's commands.  They even got to switch horses with each other which meant Naomi got to ride the big draft horse, Belle.  By the time we were done at the ranch, Naomi was grinning ear to ear.   When lessons were over, we hurried home because Omi's friends were expected around 3:00 pm.

By 4:00 the house was filled with the laughter of four teenagers.  Deklin, Carter and Lyssa had all arrived and they were hanging out upstairs watching a Supernatural marathon.  Tracy and I relaxed down stairs watching movies.  We ordered pizza and ate before Trick or Treaters started to arrive.  Then I sat outside with Suzy while little kids dressed in their Halloween finest came begging for candy.  And by 9:30 pm, all of the extra teenagers were gone for the night; the trick or treaters were done, and my house was quiet.  Wow!  But it wasn't an eerie or sad quiet, it was the quiet you get from being satiated and happy.  Bliss.

Sunday morning came bright and early (well sort of).  Omi and I were up by 9am.  We were heading out to Birk Arena for a horse play date.  Omi got to participate in her first play date and compete in a fun barrel race.  She has never even seen it in person much less ridden the patterns herself.  She was a complete newbie, and she did great.  She wasn't competitive by any means, but she was riding a horse she had never ridden before that day and stepping outside of her comfort zone.  It was a HUGE deal!  I was very proud of her!

We had to cut the play date short, because Omi is very busy and had a huge Physics project to do (with Tracy's help).  She had to build a catapult.  Tracy and Omi spent the afternoon/evening playing with that.  It was fun to watch them get the power saws out and build stuff together.

I spent the evening at a writer's dinner, which was something completely new and out of my comfort zone.  Thank god one of my friends showed up.  We had fun catching up, an I left feeling inspired.

But the real meat of this blog came today.  I feel like the days just keep ticking on by.  We keep getting closer to November 10th, and I would really like to not get to that date.

Suzy drove me to brain therapy today and we talked a bit about how we have been feeling.  We both just want the 10th not to come.  We both feel like we can be doing perfectly well one day and then BAM we are hit with grief.  Right now we are doing great, but what if the 10h comes an we are shattered.  Or worse, what if the 10h comes and we aren't.  We are suppose to be sad, aren't we?  But right now, we are actually doing pretty well an we are pretty happy.  Is it okay to be happy?  Suzy said, "Nick would want us to be happy.  He and I talked about this before he died."  (That was news to me.)  She said, "These are important conversations to have with the people you love.  What do you want done with your body in case you die?  What would you want for your family?"  All of that is important.  And I agree.  Tracy and I have had that conversation before.  And, yes, Nick would want us to be happy, and we are.

Though I did tell Suzy that I still find it odd to see pictures of her with another family (her boyfriends family).  I see her in the back seat of a car with Tom kissing her cheek and his little sister, Lyssa on the other side and I think, "That should be Nick kissing her cheek and Omi on her other side."  It hurts. It stings.  But she is happy and that is what we all want.  It's just odd.

We also talked about funeral homes not offering multiple (personal) viles or urns with loved one's ashes.  When they cremated Nick, they only offered us one Urn.  But what if multiple family members want their own "piece" of the loved one? It was an interesting conversation, and we are going to do some research and see what we can do.  I just always thought that at some point, we would scatter his ashes and not keep them.  But it might be kind of nice to have something like a blown glass art piece that incorporated his ashes. (Yes, that's a real thing.)

We also talked about what we wanted to do on the 10th.  She too, has contemplated going back to Florida to visit the corner of Eber and Dairy where Nick was killed.  I thought it was just me and that I was weird.  But nope.  Suzy had been thinking it too.  But I think we are going to go bowling and have a fire pit and burgers that night.

One thing is for certain, Suzy and I loved Nick very much.  I'm glad that she and I can talk about this stuff together and share our memories of him.  I'm glad we can share her new love interest and be happy about that together.  I'm glad that as a family, we seem to be doing well.  But I really would like he calendar to stop flipping so that the 10th doesn't actually come.

October 30, 2015 The Blessings In Life... And In Grief

Yes, you heard me say there are blessings in Grief.

Before Nick died I was a very happy, joy-filled person.  Heck I even had a fitness business called Joy Filled Fitness.  However, once he was killed, my joy kind of stalled out.  Okay, there was no "kind of" it did, but I think there was good reason for that.  A part of me had just died (quite literally).  That doesn't mean my joy was killed off completely, though.  As you read through my blogs, you have seen moments, if not days, and even weeks where I was happy feeling.  (Though, when there were weeks, I probably didn't blog much... and I should have, so that you could see it for yourself.)

The truth is, just because I am mourning the loss of my son,  doesn't mean my life in this last year needed to be all sad.  Just like in anything else there and ebbs and flows.  And just like on any other day, there are reasons to feel gratitude, if not pure joy and bliss.  There are blessings even in the midst of Grief.  At the very beginning of this journey, I was amazed by all that I had to be grateful for.  I had a whole community and people beyond my immediate community who came to our aid. So many people donated money to help fund Nick's Memorial and Suzy's move from Florida to Idaho.  So many helped feed my family when they returned without me (including Thanksgiving meal).  Then there were the endless messages of support and love from my friends and family as well as Nick's.  It was amazing.  And even almost a year into it, I still feel so loved and supported.  I am very grateful for all of that and more.

For the last couple of weeks and even into yesterday, I  had a few things I wanted to say and share my gratitude about, and one of them very specifically is a gift from Grief.  I think I have said this before but Grief has made me more compassionate.  And more than that, in a way, it is a double edged sword (making me "softer" and "harsher" all at the same time).  Okay, I'm not so grateful for feeling harsher, but I think that is only temporary and is from the residual anger of losing Nick (especially while I'm driving).  But the softer side of me, that is new.

After losing Nick, I have realized that some things (most things) I used to get all up in arms about just doesn't need to happen. Yes, I still feel passionate about ideas, but I have learned to be a bit more flexible and understanding.  This is kind of ironic cause Nick was very SHARP and HARSH when it came to his beliefs.  He tried to be compassionate and open minded, but he had a short nerve ending when it came to politics and religion.  *laugh*  In the last 8 years (or more) I had become very one-sided and possibly short-sighted.  I had become very jaded.  But since Nick's death, while I still feel things are very important, allowing my blood pressure to boil and being so closed off is not where I want to be anymore. Remembering there are 2 sides to every story.. well 3 really.. is very important.  Remembering that in the Bible, Jesus loved those he did not agree with (yes, he got silly angry sometimes, but he taught love and acceptance).  So yes, it is perfectly acceptable to take a deep breath and be friends with those I do not agree with, and it's a great idea to live in a judgment free zone.  You can't judge a single person by what a bunch of zealots believe or how they act.  And yes, I have been guilty of doing that... out of fear.  Yet, that was the same thing I would get angry about when they did it.  Losing Nick has reminded me to stop taking myself so seriously that I have forgotten what being a human being is about..... LOVE.  Be softer.  Be open.  Stand up for what you believe, but don't judge others.  There is more to life than politics and religion.  We are all on this planet together and we need to focus on the good, be gentle with each other, love one another..you never know when it will be the last time with that person or the people around you.  Do you want that last time to be angry, harsh, sharp?  I sure don't.  

I have been working on this with Omi.  Our family is not Christian.  But in the past we have had some really harsh interactions with people who are Christians (including family members) and because of this, we have pretty much shut out anyone who claims to be Christian as friends.  Why?  Out of fear.  We do not want the possible fall out.  We don't want to be judged, but in doing so, we have judged.  So Naomi has expressed the desire/need for more girlfriends in her life.  She said she has friends at school, but she is not sure she can be friends with them outside of school because they are religious.  I told her to give it a chance.  You can be friends with people you don't agree with; you just have to agree to disagree and move on.  Yes, there is the possibility of a "deal breaker" in there, but give it a shot.  Not all Christians are "hell fire and brimstone".  The obvious deal breaker is the stand on LGBT issues, but until you give people a chance, you never know. There are lots of Christians out there who are LGBT friendly.  It's about living without judgment and living a softer life..which is a happier life.  It's about finding the good in people and giving them the chance to show it to you.  It's about acknowledging the good, even if you mostly disagree.  There is usually SOMETHING you can agree on and smile about.. find it!

The other thing that I have learned about me from Nick's death is a more compassionate side of me.  I noticed it some months ago, but yesterday was the first time I actually voiced this out loud to someone other than Tracy.  This is going to sound rather cold and heartless.  But I never understood the grief parents had over miscarriages.  It's not that I didn't think they should be sad or feel let down. I never thought, "What's the big deal?".  I just never really *thought* about it at all.  I recognized they were disappointed, but I never got their grief.  I'm not really sure why, except that I have never had a miscarriage.  My ignorance kept me from completely understanding.

I really had to think about this.  Why did I feel this way? Was it my stand on pro-choice?  No.  I believe a baby is a baby from conception.  So why did I not understand?  Was it because I thought, "That baby was never born so they never knew that baby so its 'no big deal'?"  I guess that is possible; except I know how much I loved my babies while they were in the womb, and I knew (by the way kicked or behaved in the womb) if they liked something or not.   So I knew my own babies before they were born.  So no.  That can't be it.  After doing this soul searching, I just decide that it was my own ignorance and lack of compassion.  I didn't know HOW to console a friend or sister in law other than to say I'm sorry.  I didn't know how to sit in their grief with them.  I didn't know until I lost Nick.  As a mother losing a child who is 25 years old, it wasn't just about losing a child who grew up to be an amazing human being.  It was about the loss of a child that I felt connect to and loved from the moment I conceived him.  The grief is about losing the child I felt flutter in my uterus or kicking in the middle of the night.  It was about losing the that little tiny fetus who's heart beat so fast I couldn't believe it.  When Nick died, I felt it in my uterus.  A part of me literally died.  And THEN I understood.   To all of my friends and family that I was not there for, I am sorry... sorry I wasn't there for you.. and so sorry for your heart breaking loss.

I realized this, and then  yesterday I was given an amazing gift.  I was meeting a woman about a jewelry party that I am hosting through her business.  Our girls go to school together (her daughter is one of those girls Omi wasn't sure she could be friends with outside of school cause the other girl is religious.  After meeting the mom, I see Omi's concerns, but I also see WHY Omi needs to reach out to this girl and try).  Kim, the woman, asked if I would share Nick's story (we had done the whole.. how many children do you have thing...).  So I was very blessed to tell his story to a woman who sat there across from me with a very open and understanding heart.  A woman who is very Christian (husband is a traveling music minister) and heard me say how big of an Atheist my son was and still said what an amazing man he was.  But the real gift came when she told me about her child she lost when she was 7 months pregnant.  Her heart ache is as real as mine.  And it was a very special gift to hear her story and to be able to console her and love her completely.  I could not have done that without having walked through my grief first.  A true blessing.

Then there is the flip side of miscarriages and losing children, and that is not being able to have children at all.  A running friend of mine has another friend who is going through the grief of losing a child.  His other friend had posted something on Facebook and he was sharing it with me on my Facebook wall.  But what his friend said did not touch me near as much as what he said.  In a nutshell, he said, "While I will never fully understand your grief, my heart goes out to you.  But I am also jealous.  Because my wife and I will never be able to have children of our own, I will never know the joy or the grief or the memories you got to have with your children."  At first I was shocked at the thought of someone being jealous of my grief.  But then I took a breath and thought about this.  My friend and I had shared long runs together and had talked about his sadness over not being able to have children, and I remember feeling sad with him.  So I get it.  I get the jealousy thing.  And I get the sadness over not being able to grieve for a child because you loved that child so much.  I get it and my heart goes out to him and his amazing wife.  And it reminds me that even though I am sad about losing Nick, I had the enormous blessing of being his mom!  Such a gift, and because of my friend pointing this out, I got to remember that blessing (not just my grief).

Wow.. this is long.. Sorry about that.

There are other blessings that I am so grateful for.

Last year when we were looking at buying a new home, Tracy kept saying that he wanted to downsize.  "The kids are getting older.  We don't need those bedrooms."  But I reminded him that grand babies will be coming soon.  And our parents are getting older.  We need to have extra room for people to come visit or live (our parents who are getting older).  We specifically chose this house with the idea that our parents might move in with us at some point.  As it turned out, grand babies won't be coming any time soon since Nick died. And that is something else that we grieve (big time)... I can't even begin to express how much that one hurts.  However, thankfully, we have room for Suzy to live with us now.  And Nate's girlfriend moved in too.  We went from being close to empty-nesters to having a very full house again.  And you know what?  I love having a house full of "kids".  I always have.  And I am very grateful that in downsizing square footage, we didn't downsize in bedroom count!  I am very grateful for the home that we chose and the home we have created for our children... and the bonus children that come through our door. My house has always had an open door for kids, and that is still the case today.

Speaking of bonus children, that is something else I am very grateful for.  Nate's girlfriend is a godsend!  She loves doing yard work, and we have LOTS of it at this house.  And she goes out there and does it without any hesitation or even being asked.  She does a great job, and I am so very grateful for her.  And sometimes she makes the most amazing cupcakes!  I love it when all of my girls are in the kitchen baking up something amazing!  I love to hear them all laughing.

Then there is Suzy's new boyfriend.....

People always ask me, "Is it hard to see Suzy date?"  It's always hard to see her date someone new. I don't care who it is, the first time she starts to date someone, my heart feels pulled.  I only want her happiness.  But I look at her and think, "That should be Nick."  I also know that she never wanted to be in this situation and it's just as hard on her to be without Nick, and any man she dates will have to deal with that and love her because she loved Nick the way she did, as well as for her many other amazing qualities.  Since Nick died, she has only had 2 serious boyfriends.  They are both very different.  And both of them have been what she needed when she needed it.  The new boyfriend however has a very special connection to this family (for a couple of reasons).  He was friends with Nick and Suzy through junior high and high school.  He actually KNEW Nick.  He was at Nick's epic 14th birthday party...before Suzy entered the picture.  He apparently loved my family back then (though I admittedly do not remember him from back then... he didn't hang out at our house like the other kids).  And he remained friends with Nick over the years.  And when Nick died, he was crushed.  When he started dating Suzy he messaged me and had a heart to heart with me promising to honor Nick and love Suzy the way Suzy deserves. He told me how much Nick meant to him and how much my family means to him.  But the other thing that gets me is a true gift.  He has Nick's spirit in him.  The whole family sees it.  His mannerisms when he talks.  His work ethic.  His family ethic.  The way he stands.  His posture.  He will not replace Nick.. we all know that.  But he is a very special man who  has come into this family and loves on all of us.  He has brought smiles and laughter to Nate and Naomi... something I haven't seen since Nick's death.   And its always good to see Suzy happy and feeling loved and cared for; that is what Nick would have wanted and that is what we want for her.  So yes, even Suzy's dating is a blessing.

Lastly, our Suburban died last winter.  I was very sad.  We have been down to one car, which is not usually a horrible issue.  Tracy has his motorcycle.  But with weather changing, Tracy will not be able to ride soon.  And a new vehicle is almost a requirement.  And our current vehicle does not fit our entire family so when we go out, we have to take 2 cars.  It would be nice to have a car to fit us all again.  We don't often all go out at the same time, but when we do, it would be nice to have one that fits us all.  So we are looking at Suburban type vehicles again.. to haul the family.. to haul camping gear.. to haul ski gear...  And I have to say the fact that my family is "big" again (once you include all the boyfriends/girlfriends) makes me very happy.  I love big happy loud families!!!

So yes, today my heart is full and I am counting my blessings in life and in grief.

October 28, 2015 Sharing Nick....

I always love the chance to get to talk about Nick and share Nick with others.  He was such an amazing young man.  I love to talk about him, even if it makes me cry sometimes.  Today, Nick gave me an incredible blessing.

I went to Walmart with a very clear list of things to buy.  This list included veggies for the chili I was planning on making for dinner.  The list got a bit longer as I bought more fruits to munch on and healthy eating caught my attention.  But I also remembered I have this HUGE (and that is no exaggeration) zucchini that I need to use.  So I looked up the recipe for zucchini bread and went shopping for those ingredients.  Then I thought, "I can't make just zucchini bread, cause Tracy hates it!  Gotta make something Tracy likes."  So I bought stuff to make pumpkin rolls.  Then I remembered I needed to buy cat food.  And while I was in that side of the store, I looked over at the Christmas decorations.

(I should pause here and tell you that upon entering Walmart, the first thing I saw was 3 workers standing under a Merry Christmas sign in which they were putting together a very tall Christmas tree. As I saw a shopper dressed in a Halloween costume leave, I rolled my eyes.  Seriously, can't we get through Halloween first?  I really do not like advertising for Christmas before Thanksgiving, much less before Halloween! And quite honestly, all I have been able to really think about is getting through November 10th.)

Anyway, I looked over at the Christmas decorations.  I remembered Naomi asking about twinkly lights for her room.  After picking up the cat food, I pushed my little, tiny cart that was getting quite full over to the Christmas section.  First I saw this box of black and white ornaments, and it reminded me of the black Christmas tree Suzy and I wanted for last years Christmas.  She and I seriously wanted a black Christmas last year.  I looked at the fake white tree they had for cheap and I thought the black ornaments would look cool on it.  I kept looking at the fake trees (why?  I have no idea).  I saw a black one for $39.  Sweet!  I seriously almost bought it.  But I heard Nick laugh at me and say, "No, Mom.  You love Christmas.  Find things that make you  happy.  I want you to be happy this year."  So I kept wandering around. I don't know why.  I hate Christmas before Halloween.  I came across greeting cards.  I suck at sending them out.  But I could feel Nick poking and prodding me.  "Find the Christmas card that makes you laugh.  Remember the cartoons that made you laugh.  Remember all the joking we did about buying the Charlie Brown Christmas Trees.  Look, Mom, there is a Peanuts Christmas card collection.  Smile!  Laugh!  Share this with people.  Take a family photo of the family now and send it with this.. celebrate life, Mom."  I read through the cards that were available in this set. I didn't like them.  Not everyone I send cards to will appreciate the word Christmas.  I like buying "seasonal cards" or "holiday cards".  So I put the box down.

I felt the nudge to keep looking around.  I had completely forgotten about the twinkle lights for Omi. Nick had me wandering the isles. I could feel him.  I walked down an isle that had ornaments and he had me looking  At first I thought, "I'm not going down that isle, all it has is manger scenes."  But Nick told me to go.  I went.  I walked passed the manger scenes and came across some "collectible" ornaments.  There were 2 rubber duckies and I got all excited until I saw that they had either a Broncos emblem or a Sea Hawks emblem on them.  Nope.  But then I made a decision, I will find rubber duckies.  I will go on a search on the 'net when I get home.  I continued looking at the ornaments.  I came across Charlie Brown with a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.  I laughed at Nick and picked it up and put it in my cart.  Then I saw an old fashioned Frosty and I laughed again.  Nick knows me too well.  I put it in my cart.

I saw the twinkle lights at that point.  I picked up the ones I thought Omi would like.  She has been having a hard time with lights in her room.  They keep breaking or whatever.  So I found a rope strand of LED lights.  Perfect.  I kept wandering and looking at greeting cards on the end caps.  I found a box of cards with Snoopy on them.  Yup.. those are the cards that Nick was directing me towards.  I thought I was done.  I was smiling and life was good.  I was still shaking my head at the idea of me in this section this time of year.  As I was walking out of the section, I heard Nick one more time.  "Mom, Go down that isle.  There are rubber duckies down that isle."  I stood at the end of the isle and looked down it. Yes, there were ornaments down that isle, but I saw nothing bright yellow.  I didn't see anything that looked remotely like rubber duckies.  But I turned down there anyway....

I walked half way down the isle.  I had been looking up and down at these sparkly glittery inexpensive ornaments.  They had fishes.  I thought to myself, "Who would hang fishes on their Christmas trees?"  My answer:  "Tracy."  I laughed.  Then I looked down at the bottom row of ornaments.  There was a white rubber ducky with a scarf on!  Seriously???  But it looks like the only one.  I thought to myself, "I guess white could work.  A ghost rubber ducky?  No.  Not what I want."  I reached to put it back and then I saw this gold shiny thing at the bottom of the bin.  I looked a bit closer.  This bin had pink and blue and white Styrofoam glittery sparkly rubber duckies, but on the bottom there was something gold shining up at me.  I picked up the bin and took out rubber duckies until I could get to what was shining at me.  It was a YELLOW rubber ducky!!  Not only was it one, but there were LOTS of them!!!  I contemplated on leaving a few for others, but I decided, "Nope, I'm buying them all!"  So I picked them all out and put them on the empty shelf above me and was taking a picture of them and posting it on Facebook.  While I was posting them on Facebook, a woman came by and picked up one of my rubber duckies. I was shocked and terrified! "NOOOOOO!  Not MY rubber duckies!  NOT MY NICK!!!"  I joked around and said out loud, "Oops, better put the rest of my stash in my cart."  The lady thought I was joking until she saw me putting them all in my cart.

"Oh I'm sorry."  She put the one she had picked up back down. "I didn't realize this was yours.  Here you go."  I picked it back up and handed it to her.

"No. Please take it.  If you really want a yellow rubber ducky, you can take this one. "  She held it gently in her hands and smiled a HUGE smile.

"Thank you!  I was looking for the perfect ornament for this year, and this is it!"  I smiled and cried a little bit as my voice cracked.  I told her to please enjoy it.  I told her it was a gift from Nick and I shared my story with her and showed her my memorial tattoo and told her Nick wanted her to have it.  And he did.  I heard him in my  head.. "Mom, share the rubber duckies!  She needs one."

She smiled again, and told me how grateful and appreciative she was.  She loved rubber duckies.

I smiled all the way back to the check out stand.  And the cashier mentioned something about getting ahead on Christmas stuff.  And I told her my story.  (Poor cashier)  But she thanked me for sharing my story with her cause it made her smile and she told me she completely understood how I felt.  I could hear it in her voice.  She had lost someone, and she knows the grief and she was grateful to have someone share their story so she didn't feel alone.

I realize that picking up all of the rubber duckies was a "lack mentality".  Yes, I had bought enough to share with family members, but I bought MORE than enough.  *laugh*  Why?  Because I was afraid I would lose one (thus feeling like I lost my son all over again) so I wanted to make sure I had extras just in case.  Maybe "lack mentality" isn't the right phrase.. maybe its just grief.  And that is okay.  And I also know it is okay to give up and share my rubber duckies cause that is what Nick would want. He would want people to smile and laugh and have a good time at the holiday season.  And he reminded me of that today in so many ways.  I love when he comes shopping with me!

October 27, 2015 Darned Facebook Memories......

I think I have said something about Facebook memories before.  They are bitter sweet, or they can be.

Today I was looking through my memories because the image it showed first was an MRI image of my knee from back when I was fresh meat for roller derby.  I thought, "Wow!  That was a whole life time ago!"  So I went to look at the rest of my memories.

I noticed a couple of things...

1)  I always seem to be sick with a cold on this date (I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and headache from hell).

2)  2 years ago today, Omi had her heart crushed by a boy she was "seeing" at the rollerdrome (and she just broke up with her most current boyfriend over the weekend.... something about this time of year, maybe?)

3) This time last year I was very excited for a concert.  My favorite band (Set It Off) was coming in November.. November 9th to be exact.  We had tickets.  Their new album was out and I was totally stoked!  Then I read the memory again... The concert was going to be on November 9th.  November 9th.  That was the last "normal" "happy" day this family had.  It was me, Omi, and Nate meeting several of Omi's friends at the venue.  We were all super excited.  We love this band and we love the young men in this band.   They always remember us when they see us (even when they see us out of context in a different state).  We had so much fun.  Omi got right up front at this concert and got to help Cody (the lead singer) crowd surf.  When they see us in the audience, they always sing to us and reach for our hands, and there is always an invitation to party after the concert (even though Naomi is under age).  We laughed, we danced, we fan-girled, and we visited with our favorite guys.  Little did we know, it would be the last day of normalcy.. the last day of innocence....

*sigh*  If we could only rewind time... and know what we know now.  What would we have done?  What would we have said?

I had lunch with my mom today.  We were talking about the 10th coming up.  And she shared her precious memories that she had of Nick as a baby, and then of Nick as a college student.  (He did, after all spend 12 of his 25 years living under the same roof as her.)  I loved hearing her memories....after his birth, the doctor put Nick in my arms arms before giving him to Tracy.....of Tracy holding and taking care of Nick right after he was born and I couldn't do anything....of taking Nick to the park behind her house...of having our big rotweiler pulling Nick in the wagon behind him...OF nick working hard as a college student and all of his friends who loved him.  It was sweet to hear.  I really hope Nick knew how much his "Momp" loved him.

October 26, 2015 A Little Bit of This and That

This blog may be a little scattered, but so is my brain and my life, so well.. it's par for the course, right?  Right.

Last Wednesday, Tracy and I went to Naomi's Parent/Teacher Conferences.  She is our "easy child". When Nick and Nate were in school, these meetings were quit painful.  But Naomi, works hard and in general here grades are great.  We are not the kind of parents that require certain grades from our children.  We only ask that they do their best.  Omi's best happens to be Mostly As with a few Bs in Honors and AP classes.  But this semester quarter for the first time since elementary school, Naomi actually has a C on her report card.  The C is in AP Physics and its just 2 points away from a B.  Of course, all of her teachers say she is a great kid and participates and knows her stuff and is willing to help others.  After talking with her teachers, it has become a bit apparently that she is possibly dealing with some grief in a couple of her classes.

Nick was a physics major.  He loves physics.  He also loved his welding classes in high school.  Omi is taking both physics and welding.  She has the C in physics and a B in welding.  Her welding instructor adores her but said she looks a bit overwhelmed in the shop.  And her Physics teacher says she looks a bit anxious in social situations.  I explained to both of these teachers that Naomi took these classes cause wanted to, but also because she was close to her big brother and her big brother loved these classes and this was part of the plan that the two of them had.. for Omi to take these classes then major in mechanical engineering and the two of them would work together when Omi graduated college.  Naomi has been struggling with "What now?" ever since Nick died.  But she continued with plans that were already made.  But I am certain that Omi thinks about Nick when she is in these classes and that stirs up a bit of her grief.  She also has social anxiety, which we had to inform her physics teacher about.  Anyway, I let both of these teachers know about Nick and the anniversary coming up.  If Omi is going to have a hard time in school during this time of year, it is going to be in these two classes, and they needed to know why.  And both of these teachers said, "Now that you have told me this, her behavior makes sense.  Thank you."  I am proud of Omi for sticking with a plan and for going through courses that can strike a nerve.  She is so smart and talented, she is going to make an amazing engineer.  She is one tough cookie.

Speaking of tough cookies.  Last Thursday, she broke up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years (Nov 30 would have been 2 years for them).  I am not going to go into the details; they are not mine to speak of.  But I will say, that in this day and age, a regular teenage break up, can be made into a huge ordeal thanks to social media!  It's not like when I was a kid.  We called our boyfriends or hopefully met in person, but the break up was done either face to face or via phone.  We might call our friends to vent and cry. We might talk to our parents, possibly.  We might even write notes and pass them back and forth at school with the person we broke up with.  But there certainly wasn' any big huge public announcement or need to change a relationship status on Facebook.  It was "clean" without crazy drama that the kids now have on social media.  

Naomi broke up with  her boyfriend and immediately got on facebook to make changes to her relationship status and to "unfollow" the boy she had been dating.  She didn't need his status messages showing up on her news feed right after they broke up.  Naomi didn't make any huge public announcement.  The only thing she said publicly on facebook was "Why does this have to hurt so badly?"  There was no mention of a break up from her (other than her relationship status changing).  She handled her business with elegance and class.  And when a big huge blow up happened over a status message *I* posted that some how got back to his family, Omi was attacked by his mom via facebook IM.  It was horrible.  All of this happened because someone took something wrong from my status message and made a bad assumption and as rumors do, it got ugly, and we were accused of talking badly about the boy Omi was dating... which we never did.  Anyway, it was ugly and uncalled for.  Yet, again, Omi held it together and with class, got on her own facebook wall and yelled at people to stop spreading false rumors and stood up for her ex boyfriend.  She handled the entire thing with grace and class.  In a world filled with ragers on Facebook (and I can be one of them), Omi kept her business private and kept her dignity.  I am very proud of her.

Social Media has changed the way we do things.  It has forever changed the look and feel of a "break up".  It gives people the means to be passive aggressive in crazy ways and behave in such ways they would never think of in person.  People have a false sense of safety behind a computer screen, but the reality is, we need to be even more vigilant with what we or how we act.  You never know who knows the people you are connected to, and that could allow something to spread like wildfire!  Not to  mention the texting on the phones.  Information gets out so much faster now, and it has the power to seriously harm (if not destroy) someone if we are not careful.  I would love to say its just the "kids" we need to worry about, but unfortunately, its the adults too.  Adults behave just as badly as the kids do (sometimes worse).  So how about we all remember that NOTHING is private once you put it on the Internet.. NOTHING.  And eventually, that stuff can come back and bite you in the arse.  So be ready to take full responsibility for every word and every picture you put out there.  And remember if you cant say something nice, then don't say it at all!

As for Naomi surviving a break up and getting through school at this time of year, with the year anniversary of Nicks death just 15 days away... there is never a good time for a break up and I am very grateful for the people in our lives that love and support her.  Last weekend was really rough on her and on us as her parents, but things are looking better and we are all recovering from the drama of the break up.  And we are keeping a special eye on her and helping her with big projects coming up in school.  And we are keeping her engaged in things that keep her feeling strong and empowered like belly dance, silks class, voice lessons and her horse.  

October 18, 2015 The "What Ifs" and "If We Had Only Knowns"

You know that game you play with your friends and family...

"Well what if the world exploded, do you think the cock roaches would still survive?"

Okay, that might be a silly example, but you know what I mean.  I remember being in 6th or 7th grade sitting in history class with Coach White and someone was asking a bunch of "what if" questions, and I thought he was going to explode!  *laugh*  "No more what if questions!!!!!"

Generally, the "what if" questions are really just an example of us worrying about something we can't control.  But I have found out recently that if we don't play the "what if" question game, sometimes it can lead to the "If I had only known....." game, and that game is no fun to play at all.

I know I have said this many times.  Pictures.  Take LOTS Of pictures!  You never know when that picture will be the last picture you take of someone.  I realize we can't all walk around taking pictures of everything all of the time.  And no one wants to think, "If I don't get that picture and they die, I will regret it the rest of my days." But I am here to tell you, "If you don't get that picture, you will regret it at some point.. maybe not for the rest of your days... but you will regret it!"

My family has never been HUGE on family photos.  Okay, when the boys were little, and when Omi was just born, we did take family photos at least once a year.  But when we moved to Idaho, it seems like the traditional family photo shoot at the JC Penny's or Sears just wasn't really an option.  Photo studios have kind of gone by the way side, and private photographers have taken over the scene.  Granted, those family photos are usually more genuine and telling of a family's personality than the "boxed set" from Penny's, but they are also more expensive.  So many families just don't make it a priority.  They think, "I have a camera, I'll just take them on the fly as we have fun hanging out."  Generally, the "point and shoot" memories are lots of fun to look at, but sometimes you miss something that a professional photographer might catch.

With all of that said, in the last year, there is one thing that my family has realized.  Not enough pictures were taken.  And that is saying a great deal considering my kids are always complaining about me taking pictures.  Suzy and Nick, on their own,  didn't take a bunch of pictures together, and that is something that Suzy realized pretty quickly after Nick's death.  That kind of realization is heart breaking.  We all have some kind of regret around pictures.  Most recently is the realization that there are no "recent" images of Naomi and Nick together.  We have pictures of them together working on the motorcycle but neither of them are looking at the camera at the same time.  Those pictures were taken so that we would have the memory of them working on the bike together, but now Omi is looking for a picture of the two of them together so she can make a photo phone case.  The only pictures I could find went back to 2012 and 2011.

While I was looking back at the pictures trying to find one for Omi to use, I remembered that we took a year off from family vacation because Tracy and I went to Belize for our 25th wedding anniversary.  Now I find myself kicking myself for not making the time for us all to get together that year.  Even though, we spent a week with them the next year.  The last family vacation we had with Nick was when they came here to visit in 2014.  The vacations when they came here meant we didn't get alot of time with them because they were off visiting her family or their friends, and as it turned out, it would have been the last time my family was all together and we didn't get nearly enough time with Nick, and it's just not fair.  (Nothing in life is fair).

Watching Omi realize that she couldn't find that right picture for her phone broke my heart.  She sounded so angry that there were lots of Nick and Nate pictures together, but not any of her and Nick.  But when I look at those pictures, it is only because of the way we were all sitting during a game of Uno while waiting for fireworks on the 4th of July.  There are other pictures of Omi alone but they were pictures of her playing foot bag with Nick.  They are pictures to remember a memory.. not posed pictures with fake smiles.  (Though I do have photos of all of the kids together.. just none of her and Nick alone). Anyway, to see her grief...is to FEEL her grief.  And there is nothing worse than to watch your children hurting knowing there is NOTHING you can do.  My heart just broke.

I think about this all of the time....the "What ifs" and "If we had only knowns".  We would have taken more/different pictures.  We would have behaved differently and spent the time a bit differently.  We all have regrets and wishes for things to be different.  But we can't play those games.  The "What ifs" have us worrying about the future, and the "If we had only knowns" keep us looking behind us and living with regrets and sometimes guilt.  Both of which keep us pretty sad and miserable.  We have to look at the NOW.. which is hard to do when you are grieving and missing a loved one.  I would give anything to have Nick back or to have those pictures that we never took.  I would give anything to take away the pain that my family experiences on a daily basis.  The pain might not be all consuming, but it is felt on a daily basis at some level.

As the days slip by and the 1st anniversary inches closer, I see the toll it is taking on the family.  Nightmares are returning.  Sleeplessness is taking hold.  Tears pool on our eye lids threatening to flood our cheeks.  Tempers sit a the edge of the danger zone.  Memories flood back.  Last year at this time........

The "stupid" facebook memory thing is kind of evil.  It's a double edged sword.  It can remind us of the good times, but then we remember that those good times come to a screeching halt in less than a month's time frame.  Just today while we were at breakfast, Suzy was looking through her memories on facebook and she was smiling.  She was looking at last year's Halloween costume shopping.  I remember them doing that.  Even though they were in Florida, I remember this time and smile.  There was a great hunt for a green t-shirt for Nick to wear (he was going as Shaggy from Scooby Doo). We all smiled and remembered.  And I know in my heart, I was smiling... and I was sad.  Last year at this time, we were having a heck of a time doing fun things like settling into our new home and making plans for our new place.  We had just gone to Boise Comic Con and Omi got to meet one of her favorite actors and it brought her to tears.  Life was filled with endless possibilities, but in those possibilities we never played the "What if one of our children dies within a month?!" game.  When I think about the possibilities being endless, I always think about the positive side of things, but today as I type this, I think the possibilities could also be catastrophic.  No one wants to think that way, but today I realized it's true.

So with that in mind, get our your cameras people.  Take pictures!  Take LOTS of pictures.  Not just any picture, but pictures with each person in your family alone with every other person in the family.  Each kid with each kid.  Each parent with each kid.  Each kid with each parent.  Take those pictures!  Photographers, PLEASE take THOSE pictures!  No one wants to think "What if..." but the reality is, THOSE pictures are sooooooooo very important to the family that is left behind and no one wants to live with regrets.

Surprise Boise Visit 2011

 Texas Family Vacation 2012

Boise Visit 2014