Man, this has to be a quick blog. I need to get ready to go out tonight.
A year ago, before Nick was killed, I was a really happy joy filled person. I was up for anything. I laughed often. I danced all of the time and I didn't anger very easily. I was the kind of person people found inspiration in.
Today, almost a year later, I am not quite certain what kind of person I am. I realize things are a bit fluid with me. I also realize that losing a child changes you (sometimes permanently). I also realize, I get to choose who I get to be. But none of that really makes a person feel better. All of that is a bit cliche.
I realized today that I still have some deep seeded anger under the surface. It usually stays buried unless some idiot driver does something on the road. I have a good case of road rage now. That is definitely something that I picked up since Nick died. I also have a pretty quick temper, which I never used to have. I was the level headed one in the family. The only time I have had anger management issues was either when i was working at a company I hated (back in Florida) or when the repressed sexual abuse issues resurfaced along with multiple personalities. *laugh* So yes, I guess Nick's death could be the source of my anger issues and hopefully one day they will disappear and fade away into the sunset. Until then, you might want to walk on egg shells around me or avoid touchy conversations, and God forbid you tell me you are one of those Planned Parenthood protesters!
The other thing that got me going today was the dream I had just before I woke up this morning.
I was in a school, and I saw Nick. I yelled to get his attention, "He buddy boy, you have time to give your mom a hug?" "No, Mom. I'm late for class. I love you!" And with a smile and messed up hair he ran up the stairs to class. I saw him upstairs through the railing, his eyes bright, his voice deep and playful, "Food!!!! Why didn't anyone tell me there was food up here!!!!" He was laughing an grabbing food as he walked into his class, and I was walking into some sort of concert. I went to sit down by myself, but his friends were there and they asked me to join him. They didt' want me to be alone.
I could actually hear Nick's voice. I could feel his love in his eyes. And everyone around us felt the love between us and I remember thinking in my dream, "I love that he and I could love each other so publicly without shame or embarrassment."
Then I woke up.....and he was gone again. Even as I type this, I cry. I swear its like someone takes him away from me every time I dream about him. It's like he was killed all over again. And it sucks!
How can I NOT walk around mad when that happens? Yes, I can focus on how much he loved me an how amazing we were all together OR I can focus on the grief. But the thing is.....the grief is real and is right here and FRESH. (at least today. tomorrow is a different day.)
So for now, I'm gonna rush and change clothes and get dressed and go hang out with some pretty kick ass women and surround myself with laughter, art, and dance. Heading to RAW tonight!
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