Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of Nick's death. I really had no idea what to expect from such a day. I have never really had to deal with this before. I can tell you that the night before, Tracy and I were very, very sad and heavy hearted. We took the kids to see Peanuts the Movie. It was cute, but we still felt sad and heavy. (At least Tracy and I did).
We woke up on the 10th and felt a bit odd. What do we do today? It was kind of like the anticipation of Christmas without the happiness. The whole family had taken the day off. What do we do with this day off. It was after 9 and we were just rolling out of bed. Tracy asked if I wanted to get the kids and go to breakfast. Suzy was already up and drinking hot chocolate. We woke up Naomi. And I double checked and found Nate still in bed so I woke him up. Tricia and Tom had gone to work. So it was just the "original" four of us.
We headed to Cracker Barrell which was Nick's favorite place to go. We feasted on tons of food, but there was no real talk about Nick. We laughed and just kind of acted like everything was normal. It was bizarre.
We came home and Naomi went up to sleep for hours. Tracy slept on the couch. I worked on a memorial video. Suzy napped. Nate picked up Tricia from work. Everything just seemed kind of normal.
The only thing that wasn't "normal" were all of the posts on our Facebook walls. We were getting messages from friends filled with love and support. People were posting "I miss you messages" on Nick's wall. Family members were posting pictures of Nick. Friends were posting pictures of Nick. People all over the country were posting about missing Nick. He was so loved.
What I found a bit odd (or maybe not) were the people who didn't message me. People who were at one time considered my closest friends. They were silent. Nothing from them. The other thing that was odd was a comment on a Facebook post. One of Nick's college friends posted a very touching post about missing Nick. It was very sweet. Then below that one of Nick's friends wrote a horrible, vile comment (not about Nick.....but about the way things changed after his death, and of course, she mentioned Nick in it.) I wanted to scream. I had long since un-friended her after she proved to be a very toxic person and liked using Nick's name and memory as weapon against other friends. Tracy saw her comment was was furious and was going to ask the original poster to remove it. He didn't; and today, that comment was gone. I don't know what happened to it, and I don't care. The only reason I mention it now is because grief has a strange way of effecting people. Friendships fall apart sometimes. It's sad, but true. People misplace their anger an it causes a rift in relationships. IF you can't face grief and look at it for what it is, it will poison the way you live in ocher areas. You have to work through the grief and remember it can color every aspect of you life. You have to learn to dissect and really look at your reactions and your motives. It's hard to do, but it is necessary.
Once Tom got off of work, we all went bowling. We had a great time laughing and bowling and drinking. If you had asked me a year ago, if I would have been okay with Suzy's new boyfriend hanging out with us on the anniversary of Nick's death, I am not sure what I would have said. But to be quite honest, I was glad our morning started with just the "original family" (the ones who lost Nick), but I would not have wanted bowling to go any other way. I wanted ALL of us together, including Suzy's boyfriend. After all, Tom was friends with Nick and he was mourning Nick as well.
Finally, we came home and sat around the fire pit. It was the perfect night for a fire pit. It was cold. The sky was clear. And we had our family together.
Over all, there was not much talk about Nick or memories of Nick. We talked a little bit, but mostly we didn't. I think when you spend a whole year talking about him an thinking about him, the actual anniversary of his death, while sad, was kind of anti-climatic. That's not to say I didn't break down and cry. It's funny what makes you cry. I saw things all day long that should have made me cry. But it wasn't until I saw a post from Chelsea (Nick and Suzy's best friend) about how she and Akeem were remembering Nick that night with Gitas, pineapple pizza and Rocky Horror Picture Show that I busted out into tears. I don't know why THAT got me, but it did. I didn't bawl for long, but I did cry.
Now that a year has passed, an it passed rather quietly and uneventfully (at least from my perspective), I woke up this morning thinking, "What now?"
What if I had spent an entire year wearing black (like some traditions). Today would be the first day I could wear color again. Does that practice actually help with the healing process? Or would I just start grieving once I had the freedom to express myself? I don't know. What if Suzy had decided not to date for the first year? Today would have been he day she would have opened herself up to dating? Would waiting that long have been easier or harder on us? But none of that happened. We spent an entire year, mourning and healing. We spent an entire year moving on with our lives while remembering Nick every single day. Yesterday was just the anniversary of the day he was taken from us. I think I spent more energy and grief worrying about the day, than I did on the actual day. (which is normal)
But what now? One of my friends suggested that my grief would now look like this: "Last year at this time, i was doing (enter activity here)......." So okay, last year on the 11th, i was in shock and flying to Florida to start this process. Before my friend told me this, I actually had this thought process start in my head. And I asked myself, "What are you doing? Do you really want to grieve over the grief process? Do you really want to spend another year looking at things and saying, "A year ago, I was pissed because of this?"
When is enough enough? No I'm not saying that my grief ends now that a year has past. But I refuse to let the healing process be slowed down by looking back at a year's worth of pain when I can choose to look at life and celebrate life. It is one thing to spend a year missing my son; it is something completely different to give up valuable life force energy on looking back at the way I felt over the last year. It's time to move forward.
Because I am writing the book, I will be spending time looking back. But even today, as I did my writing, I felt lighter when I looked back at my blogs and things. Some pain has been removed. It was easier today.
My family has made it passed the one year mark. Not only have we made it passed, but we did it together. We loved together. We communicated openly. We shared happy moments. We cried in each other's arms. We went on vacation. We went to graduation. We met 2 new boyfriends and went through break ups with Suzy. We added family members with Tricia moving in. We settled some more into our home, making it feel like our home. Naomi continues to navigate the drama that is high school and teenage life. Tracy managed to make it through work almost every single day. Nate has found a job that he loves and is great at. I have held it together even on days when I felt like I was falling apart, and I even managed to keep dancing. My family kept on moving. We kept on loving. We pulled together and made it through together.
I am grateful for my amazing family. I am grateful for my children. I am grateful that Tracy and I love each other so much. I am grateful for our friends who have been so very supportive.
I know we will always miss Nick. I know Nick will always be with us. And today, seems to be harder on some of my family than yesterday. But we as a family unit, are strong and supportive and we will work through this together like we do everything else.
Here's to continued healing.
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