Today I really couldn't adult. Actually, I don't think were many in my family who could. Naomi couldn't even "teenager".. well okay, she plays angry teenager well right now.
I seriously just wanted to stay curled up under my blanket today. I kept feeling the feeling welling up inside of me. "Just cry, damn it!" But alas, no tears. I had a speech pathologist appointment today so I HAD to kind of sort of adult. I stood in the shower with really hot water stinging my skin. I could feel the tears reach my eyes, yet, none would actually produce. "Just cry, damn it!" Still no tears. I knew I needed to cry. I have needed to cry for what seems like a week now, but nothing ever happens. This pent up rage was filling me up. I was like one of those noise gauge at a sporting event. The anger gauge was getting dangerously high. No one was going to be safe. NO ONE! I was ready to tear apart innocent teddy bears.
I got dressed and headed out the door. And damn it it, the tears started to flow. Seriously? In my car? While I"m driving? Cant my tear ducts over flow when I'm home safe under a blanket in a dark room? Nope. They wait until I am alone, in a car, in traffic. Stupid!
I changed cars with Tracy at his office. Then I was off to my doctors. But my car needed gas and I needed comfort food. A stop at the gas station with a MacDonald's it was. I put the pump in my car and I ran in. There was NO ONE inside, and even the drive thru lane was not that busy. Yet, I stood at the register for a good 5 minutes while silly little young adults stood round chatting and laughing. They even looked at me and did not acknowledge me.
Did I mention I was a ticking time bomb?
I felt that danger level rising. I was bout to explode. The young man finally took my order. It's MacDonald's. It should be fast. I filled my drink and then stood and waited. I listened to these young people talk about their social life, about facebook posts, about relationships. "Where the hell was my food???!!!!!!" I let out a very loud sigh. The guy who had just ordered looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound good. I'm in a hurry too." I mumbled under my breath, "If they would stop discussion their personal lives, I would have my food and be on my way by now." I was ready to jump over the counter and rip their every loving hearts out!
I took another deep breath. These silly kids had no idea what was going on in my world. They had no idea, they were dealing with a ticking time bomb, and more importantly, the way I was feeling had nothing to do with them. It was not their fault. Another deep breath.
Finally, they gave me my food and I bolted to my car before I exchanged my cheeseburger for a deep fried 20 something.
I arrived at the rehab place and I imagined answering the "How are you" question with, "My life sucks balls right now." But that is really not me. No reason to be crass.
My speech therapy went well in spite of my crying fest. She knew this week would be hard for me and she was very compassionate. We discussed some of my issues. I have discovered (and brought in) some real examples of my reading problems. I have said before that I feel illiterate, and I know I am not. Today, though, I was validated. No, I am not illiterate, but as I was taking a reading comprehension test, we found out that I have some very reason issues that would make me feel illiterate. I had to read a short paragraph about the discovery of the Grand Canyon. I had to read it out loud. My mouth could not form the words and get them out. I sounded like a grade schooler who was trying to read. Then I couldn't even answer the comprehension questions. Yes, indeed, I am experiencing issues that would make me feel illiterate. Once again, I have been told, this is a vision issue and once I get into occupational therapy, this will all start to heal up very quickly. *keeping my fingers crossed*
Tonight, when Tracy got home from work, we were both sitting on the couch feeling like a ton of rocks were sitting on our shoulders. We couldn't even sleep last night. Grief has taken a firm grip. Naomi is feeling weighted down too. We decided to take the kids to see the Peanuts Movie. It was cute, but like any other distraction, once its over, the reality is still there.
*Suzy and Tom, if/when you read the following, please do not take this personally.. its not about you.. its about how I am feeling about the loss of Nick.. not about you two being together. I love you both, and Tom you are good for Suzy and for this family*
Today I have been angry. I was angry that Suzy is happily involved with Tom. I was angry that she is moving on. (While I want her to be happy and I know she will never ever forget my son or stop loving him and generally I am happy for her, right now it is very hard to see her canoodling with someone who is not Nick. This is my issue not hers. I know this is only temporary. But it still hurts.) I want my son back. I believe Naomi is having a rough time too. This morning was really hard for her to have Tom here this morning. I understand. We love Tom. We want Suzy to be happy. And we miss our Nick. I'm really not sure how to reconcile that, and maybe there is not a way. It's like the kids at MacDonald's today. It's not their fault I'm angry. They didn't kill my son. And It's not Suzy's fault and it's not Tom's fault. But right now I want to rage.
Today I felt like I have spent a year caring for everyone else. I feel like I have been strong for everyone else, but I have not allowed myself to rage and cry and be sad. Today I really wanted to just sink into that feeling of sadness and grief and anger. It felt so self-indulgent. But after I left my appointment I saw a post on Facebook from Naomi. She was upset from something at school. Tracy came home from work, he looked like a train had hit him. No time for me to cry, rage or indulge my feelings. I needed to go into mom mode and be there for my family.
I wondered how Tracy was dealing today. I didnt'/couldn't adult today and I don't have a job I have to go. Tracy has a job he has to go to. He has work to do, people to manage, decisions to make. How the hell is he managing this? How the hell has he done this all year? Nope. I dont' get to whine about wanting to sit in a cave and indulge my grief.. not when my husband has to get up and go to work every day... not when my kid has to get up and go to school.... not when Nate has to get up and go into work with a cheery attitude and make his sales quota. I don't get to be sad and mopey in a cave all day.
I have heard about women who had still births, miscarriages, or infant deaths who experience a real pain in their arms like phantom pain from holding a baby.. or missing holding a baby. Today, I felt that. I don't know why. But all of a sudden, I felt this phantom pain of what used to be in my arms.. this little baby of mine. Nick hasn' been a little baby in a very long time, but today I felt as if my young baby was ripped out of my arms. It hurt like none other.
As we drove home from the movie tonight it was 40 degrees with wet streets. I was mentioning how exciting it will be to wake up and see snow on the mountains tomorrow. I expressed my hope for snow on the ground here in the valley. I know Suzy hates it. But I love it. More importantly, Nick loved it. He loved playing in the snow. Tracy suggested that maybe we take off to play in the snowy mountains tomorrow. That sounds like heaven to me. Actually last night when I couldn't sleep, I begged Nick to send snow for the anniversary of his death.
Tonight I was reminded of the years in Arizona. When the first snow hit the mountains, we would take the kids out of school and drive up to the snow. We were often ill prepared for the snow. But we would go out there and build snowmen, sled around and have snow ball fights. We didn't care. IF it was during the day, the kids would skip school. If it was at night, we would go in the dark and play by headlights. This family loves snow! When we first moved here in 2002, the first snow came in November. We were heading to the movies at Edwards Cinema at the Spectrum and flurries were flying. We actually called friends and family in other states and told them. The kids were so excited to see snow in Boise. Nick loved to sled. He loved to ski and then later snowboard. He was fabulous at it! Both he and Nate were fearless...hitting all the jumps they could. Thy loved swishing through powder together. When our entire family was together up on a ski hill, it was magical! It was the perfect day! When were were all together tubing down the Pepsi Goldrush Hill at Bogus, we were always causing a ruckus. The Spiva clan is anything but subtle. We would make big human chains and go super fast. Years ago, part of our chain actually went over the berme at the end. After that year, Bogus slowed down the hill and raised the berme. Yup, we caused that change. The Spiva clan is fearless and crazy and always full of laughter. God I miss Nick.
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