And not the kind you find on your cans of food....
The other day, Naomi and I were standing in the check out line while the cashier rang up our grocery cart of food and stuff. This was a very nice, soft spoken and feminine man. At Wally World, the uniform is kaki pants and a navy blue shirt. This young man had on the required pants and a navy blue sweat jacket/sweater, but underneath the sweat jacket was peaking out a pale-pink, long-sleeved T-shirt. Over the top of the wrist of this pale-pink T-shirt was the blingiest wrist watch I have ever seen on a man. It was a gorgeous watch. I love watches. I always have. It think it is a shame that we have all turned to our phones for time keeping. (but that is beside the point.) Anyway, needless to say, I notice watches, and his was gorgeous. Of course, I complimented him on his watch. He kind of blushed and very softly said, "Thank you."
Now, I hate stereotypes, but they are stereotypes for a reason. In my head, I assumed this young man was something other than straight. My assumption was that he was gay. And in this day and age, especially in Idaho, I felt it so very important to be nice to this young man. You could tell by his demeanor that he felt low about himself, for who knows what reason. I don't care why he felt the way he did. If I could bring a smile to his face by complimenting him on his watch and saying, "Thank you. Have a great day." Then that is what I would do.
As we walked away, Naomi asked, "Mom, do you think he was gay?" My reply, "Yes. Why do you ask?" Of course, she went over the same things I had noticed. And that started a conversation about stereotypes and labels.
"Naomi, why do you think labels matter?"
"I don't know. I don't really care about them."
Then she went on and said, "I have this gay friend at school who has a crush on this other kid in choir. I think its cool."
Then I thought about the way *I* talk and the way I describe my friends when I am talking. I know that my daughter must have picked (at least SOME) of this up from me. Naomi, why do we say, "I have this 'gay' friend?" Why don't we say, "I have this friend who has a crush on this other friend at school and I think its cool?" "Why do we say, 'I have this African American friend who......'"
Naomi's reply, "I really don't know, Mom."
"Well, Naomi, when you are talking about Makenzie do you say, 'I have this white friend who.....'"
She laughed out loud. "No!"
Exactly. I told her that I am just as guilty of this. And last night as I was drifting off to sleep this conversation came back to me. Why do we do this? Why do *I* do this? And more importantly, why did I teach my child this?
Is it a matter of describing my friends, or is it something else, something more deeply rooted. I do not think I am prejudice, but this kind of talk seems as though I might be. I don't say, " I have this straight friend..." Or "I have this white friend...." So for me to describe a friend who is anything other that straight or white by using labels seems rather discriminatory and upsetting to me. I thought long and hard last night. Do I use this type of language EVERY TIME I talk or do I use it in certain situations as a means of describing a friend as it pertains to a situation. Like after running across a seemingly gay cashier and we are on the conversation of homosexual males and Naomi starts in on a conversation, "I have this gay friend in choir who has a crush on this other boy in school, and I think its cool." I don't know.
Do I use race as a description when I talk as a means of describing someone important to the conversation and using race to describe them is important to the context (like the person I am talking to needs to know this person is African American because the person I am talking to does not know them).
Is that what labels are for?
People are so much more than the labels that we give them. There are all kinds of labels to describe the different facets of what make us up. Labels of our race, skin tone, gender, sexuality, learning abilities, social standing. Labels are just adjectives to describes parts of us. Kind of the same way our clothing can sometimes describe parts of us. Yet labels do a huge part in keeping us separated from each other.
Tracy and I watched a movie over the weekend called Workshop. We had no idea it was going to be a documentary. But it was a documentary following this man and several people who attended this self-help seminar. It used alot of "new agey" type thinking. But a main part of this workshop is that people ended up naked. Why? To strip themselves of "labels" and "preconceived notions" of not just who we thought we were, but also what other people thought we were based on our clothing. It was a way to strip away this outside shell and get beyond labels. That is kind of what uniforms do at Naomi's school, but getting naked gets down deeper into the root of the matter (not that I would even begin to suggest that for schools....the uniform thing was just an ah-ha moment). When we strip ourselves of clothing, there is nothing that separates us from the next person. We are completely vulnerable and able to get to know someone from a heart level (notice I said heart and not genitals...get your minds out of the gutters). This is what I love about nudist beaches. There are no pretenses. There are no worries about what other people are thinking; after all they are naked too! It's only the people in clothes who sit and judge the people without clothes on. You will never find another naked person on a beach judging another naked person's body. It just doesn't happen. We are all beautiful in our bodies..in every shape and size...in ever color...in ever race. Without the clothing to tell us how much money we spent on our clothes or maybe what our jobs may be, it is up to us to get to know the person for who they are without the preconceived labels and notions.
What would life be like if we did that with our clothes on? What would life be like, if we came across someone who is completely clothed and got to know them at a heart level without saying to ourselves.. "This person is wearing a very nice suit, he must be made of lots of money!" Or, "This woman is wearing a tie dye shirt, she must be a dirt worshipping, tree hugging hippy!" What if we could let go of judgements and labels and just listen and get to know that person in a suit and find out that he is the single parent of 5 kids, is funny, sweet charming and smart!. What if we could look at the woman and find out she has such an amazing artistic and side to her, and Wow is she smart!
But then there are times when labels seem necessary. I constantly describe myself as a bisexual woman. Why? Because as long as the LGBT community is fighting for equal rights, it is important for me to stand out and be who I am and to let people know that I am not just bisexual but I am a happily married, strong, beautiful, independent, amazing human being who is raising strong independent happy well adjusted human beings! It is important for people to see that the LGBT community is filled with NORMAL people (well as normal as I can be..which is about as normal as many straight people I know.) As long as people see LGBT people as separate, I will stand out and show that I am not so different than those people who are straight! Its my way of showing people that we are more alike than we are different...its just the labels that keep us separate. And until people can let go of the labels and stop seeing people as separate and start seeing individuals as part of a whole, then discrimination will continue to happen.
Right now, the people of Idaho are fighting for civil rights. No I am not talking about same sex marriage (though that would be nice), but I am talking about the right to work and live where we want regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. We are asking that those four words be added to the Idaho Human Rights Act to make people of the LGBT community a protected class such as those of race. Several cities in Idaho have added the words, but the state has been fighting for 8 years to keep the words off of this law. It's time Idaho to stop living in a state of separateness and unite all peoples and protect all peoples and to let go of labels that hurt us! It's time Idaho to protect ALL people so that they can keep their jobs and have fair housing. IT'S TIME!!!!
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