Or was it really about saving myself?.... (Spoiler alert..............don't go any further if you have not seen the movie or care....)
Okay, so please forgive me. I know you all know that I have sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury that can affect my memory...especially my short term memory. So I am writing this blog as fast as I can before I forget things (and I already have *groan*).
So I can't remember seeing Mary Poppins as a kid. I'm sure I must have, but I must have been very little. But in the movie Saving Mr. Banks, as soon as it played the music for Chim Chim Cher-ee, it took me right back to my incredibly messy bedroom with my most favorite music box playing this peace of music and the way it made me feel. I loved laying in my bed surrounded by my stuffed animals listening to this music and closing my eyes and drifting off into my dream world where everything was perfect and I danced like there was air beneath my feet and as I was as graceful as a butterfly fluttering around. Such a peaceful and beautiful memory.
But to be honest, other than some of the songs from the movie, I do not remember a thing about it (like what it was about). And until tonight watching the movie, I had NO IDEA it was about the authors childhood and the relationship with her dad! Wow! Now I want to read the book AND watch the movie!
Anyway, As I watched the movie tonight, I gathered it was about her father. You saw his drinking. You saw him getting sick. You could see her struggle with her memories, and my heart ached a bit for her. But it wasn't until she was back in England and Walt Disney went to visit her and he shared his story that I really truly got it! Then all of a sudden I saw not just my dad, or me but also my son Nate.
First let me say... My dad was a dreamer. He had a whole head filled with dreams that he never followed. He was prisoner of his own dreams and the failures in his own eyes. He was the prisoner of his past from his own abusive childhood. He never had anyone believe in him (I think). I don't know. But he always had huge dreams and never knew how to make them happen it seemed. Why do I say that, I guess because he was always dreaming of being a millionaire and truly believed that he would win the lottery one day. But there were other things from my childhood that I cant place. And there are things that I can. Like him taking me up to this huge high rise in downtown Dallas to an exclusive diamond dealer. I got to walk into the vault at this dealer's office and he took out these rare diamonds and taught me all about diamonds and gave me the jewelers lens to look at them. Gorgeous. But I didn't truly understand. I was just in elementary school. My dad used to take me to jewelry stores and have me pick out the most exquisite pieces and tell me that one day he would buy them for me. He never did. He would take me car shopping and have me hand design my dream car from the pamphlets and tell me that was the car he was going to buy me; he never did. I ended up with a Yugo in 1987..far from the car he had promised me. Don't get me wrong. I am not ungrateful, but these are just a few of the dreams he lived with and instilled in me. And just some of the heart breaks I grew up with when I realized these were just pipe dreams.
My dad taught me to be a dreamer, for better or worse. I have had some amazing dreams of owning some really great businesses. And I have shared those dreams with my kids. I have never followed through with these dreams. And now, my son Nate, is the dreamer. His brain works in magical ways and he totally believes that anything and everything is possible; unfortunately he has parents who have their feet too stuck to the ground to find a way to really help him reach his dreams. That breaks my heart.
Anyway, back to my dad, Walt and Mrs. Travers. Walt started talking about his own hard childhood and the abuse he went through. He said his dad was a good man. You could see that he had forgiven his dad for what he had been through. And he rose beyond it, and even honored his dad by giving him a special place on Main Street in Disney Land and Disney World. He said you can change the ending to be what you want it to be. You can change your story. Just because it wasn't the happiest, doesn't mean you have to be unhappy and continue to remember it that way. You can change the ending. You can stop telling the story the way you have been telling it all of these year. You can change it and make it happier! That is our job as storytellers!!!! (As a "professional storyteller" that one really hit home to me!) As a child of an abusive father, that one really hit home to me. For the most party, regarding the abuse, I have done just that. I went through things no one should ever go through, but I have turned them into positive things. But there is a portion of the movie that touched a portion of my life I guess I still have work to be done on.
The Pears scene in the movie really got me right in the gut! I have no idea what "Mr. Banks" died of; though it looked like possibly cancer to me. In my mind that is what happened. He sent his little girl to get pears and he died while she was gone. My father (on his cancer death bed) was sending me off to get diet cokes and sweets. No he didn't die while I was out getting them....but it hit me. Maybe that is WHY I am so stuck on diet coke! It's my connection to my father. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time giving up my morning diet coke and sweets habit. It is my connection to my father. More importantly, it is that connection to my little girl who still believed my daddy was going to buy me the beautiful jewelry, the amazing car, diamonds from an exclusive diamond dealer in a high rise in downtown Dallas. More important than the jewels or the car is the accomplishment of my daddy's dreams! And he let that little girl down. So as an adult, I continue to let the adult in me down by staying connected to this by making poor food choices. I dream of being this amazingly fit human being just like my dad dreamed of being this rich person. He didn't feel worthy. Neither do I. Wow.
This is certainly a movie, I am going to have to watch a couple of times and take notes and digest a bit deeper. But for right now, I am grateful for the memories it brought back and the lessons I am retaining at least long enough to write them down.
Wow. Just Wow.
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