A couple of nights ago, my family and I went to see the movie Saving Mr. Banks. It was a great movie and brought up some of my own "daddy issues" and the abuse I went through as a kid. Even as I type this, more comes to mind. But I will stick with my original thought with this blog.
I do not want to focus on what happened to me as a child. I guess if you really wanted to know, you could ask me and I would tell you. What I want to focus on is the result of the abuse I went through. It may be of some importance to know and understand that my family (once I came out and told them what had happened to me as a child) did not believe me and thought that what I was saying was physically impossible. So every time I write about it and post it where they can publicly see it, I have this little girl inside of me that cries out for fear of rejection. But I have learned that I do not need acceptance from them to know what happened to me. None of them lived near me when the repressed memories came back. None of them saw my personalities split. None of them saw the damage left it its wake. If they had, they would understand.
Anyway, So what exactly did happen to me after all of it? Most of my life I only had a few memories of abuse. I had the physical and emotional stuff and only one memory of sexual abuse. And as sexual abuse memories go, the one memory I had was pretty benign. Anyway, in 2000, all of the sexual abuse memories came flooding back to me. Not all in one fell swoop but over several months. But the moment in which they started coming back to me, I learned that the abuse was so horrific, my consciousness had to split in order to keep me alive and sane. Which meant, I had multiple personalities. (Finding that out at age 30 explained quite a bit of some of the things I did as a teenager.) And one of the personalities (the first to show up) was a 4 year old little girl named Ginny. She didn't talk much. Mostly she rolled up into a fetal position and cried. When she did talk, it was the voice and vocabulary of a 4 year old. Imagine Tracy's shock when this happened.
I will say this right now, my husband, is an absolute saint! He is the strongest and most gentle man I have ever known. Had it not been for his gentle patience and love, I would have never survived. He knew how to make the little girl in me feel safe. Heck, he knew how to make ALL of my personalities feel safe and heard.
Anyway, it took YEARS and lots of therapy to integrate the personalities. And its been a long time since I have really even given them any thought. (Although, now that I am thinking about it, I guess we did give them some consideration last year when I bonked my head and I had a bit of a personality change (but not like multiples this time..just a change in how I do things and what I like), and my PTSD was triggered. So we did give the multiple personalities disorder some consideration last year.
So, here I am. 2014, nearly 45 years old with fully integrated personalities and have completely forgiven and am GRATEFUL for what I went through as a child. "It's all good." Then I see this movie, and they play a bit of Chim Chim Cher-ee and it instantly took me back to my messy room and my favorite music box. It was the strangest feeling. It wasn't like I switched personalities, it was just a good memory...or at least a memory of comfort. That music box used to comfort me. After I got home and blogged about the movie, I felt another strange sensation.
(This was not the music box I had growing up...its just an example)
I was lying in bed talking to Tracy about my thoughts and feelings that had come up because of the movie. I was trying to process my feelings. I checked in with my body (the way I used to check in when I had multiples). What I felt and what I pictured in my head was the image of Russian Nesting Dolls.
In general I feel as though I am the largest of the nesting dolls and my multiples that were integrated were the littler ones that fit into the bigger ones until they were all inside the bigger one. That is the way I picture integration. And in remembering that song, it wasn't just a memory from my brain, it was a complete body and consciousness memory. And what I felt was that little tiny nesting doll deep inside of me through all of the layers of the older personalities that protected her. I could feel each layer all the way down to little Ginny. That part of me felt happy and safe when listening to that song, and every part of me felt happy and protected. It was the most amazing feeling. I'm certain my words do not do it justice and it is probably something you would have to experience to understand. I know Tracy tried to understand, but try as he might, he just didn't understand.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that experience. It is amazing how a smell or a taste or a piece of music can take us right back to a certain place in time. It truly is a magical experience.
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