Yes, you heard me say there are blessings in Grief.
Before Nick died I was a very happy, joy-filled person. Heck I even had a fitness business called Joy Filled Fitness. However, once he was killed, my joy kind of stalled out. Okay, there was no "kind of" it did, but I think there was good reason for that. A part of me had just died (quite literally). That doesn't mean my joy was killed off completely, though. As you read through my blogs, you have seen moments, if not days, and even weeks where I was happy feeling. (Though, when there were weeks, I probably didn't blog much... and I should have, so that you could see it for yourself.)
The truth is, just because I am mourning the loss of my son, doesn't mean my life in this last year needed to be all sad. Just like in anything else there and ebbs and flows. And just like on any other day, there are reasons to feel gratitude, if not pure joy and bliss. There are blessings even in the midst of Grief. At the very beginning of this journey, I was amazed by all that I had to be grateful for. I had a whole community and people beyond my immediate community who came to our aid. So many people donated money to help fund Nick's Memorial and Suzy's move from Florida to Idaho. So many helped feed my family when they returned without me (including Thanksgiving meal). Then there were the endless messages of support and love from my friends and family as well as Nick's. It was amazing. And even almost a year into it, I still feel so loved and supported. I am very grateful for all of that and more.
For the last couple of weeks and even into yesterday, I had a few things I wanted to say and share my gratitude about, and one of them very specifically is a gift from Grief. I think I have said this before but Grief has made me more compassionate. And more than that, in a way, it is a double edged sword (making me "softer" and "harsher" all at the same time). Okay, I'm not so grateful for feeling harsher, but I think that is only temporary and is from the residual anger of losing Nick (especially while I'm driving). But the softer side of me, that is new.
After losing Nick, I have realized that some things (most things) I used to get all up in arms about just doesn't need to happen. Yes, I still feel passionate about ideas, but I have learned to be a bit more flexible and understanding. This is kind of ironic cause Nick was very SHARP and HARSH when it came to his beliefs. He tried to be compassionate and open minded, but he had a short nerve ending when it came to politics and religion. *laugh* In the last 8 years (or more) I had become very one-sided and possibly short-sighted. I had become very jaded. But since Nick's death, while I still feel things are very important, allowing my blood pressure to boil and being so closed off is not where I want to be anymore. Remembering there are 2 sides to every story.. well 3 really.. is very important. Remembering that in the Bible, Jesus loved those he did not agree with (yes, he got silly angry sometimes, but he taught love and acceptance). So yes, it is perfectly acceptable to take a deep breath and be friends with those I do not agree with, and it's a great idea to live in a judgment free zone. You can't judge a single person by what a bunch of zealots believe or how they act. And yes, I have been guilty of doing that... out of fear. Yet, that was the same thing I would get angry about when they did it. Losing Nick has reminded me to stop taking myself so seriously that I have forgotten what being a human being is about..... LOVE. Be softer. Be open. Stand up for what you believe, but don't judge others. There is more to life than politics and religion. We are all on this planet together and we need to focus on the good, be gentle with each other, love one another..you never know when it will be the last time with that person or the people around you. Do you want that last time to be angry, harsh, sharp? I sure don't.
I have been working on this with Omi. Our family is not Christian. But in the past we have had some really harsh interactions with people who are Christians (including family members) and because of this, we have pretty much shut out anyone who claims to be Christian as friends. Why? Out of fear. We do not want the possible fall out. We don't want to be judged, but in doing so, we have judged. So Naomi has expressed the desire/need for more girlfriends in her life. She said she has friends at school, but she is not sure she can be friends with them outside of school because they are religious. I told her to give it a chance. You can be friends with people you don't agree with; you just have to agree to disagree and move on. Yes, there is the possibility of a "deal breaker" in there, but give it a shot. Not all Christians are "hell fire and brimstone". The obvious deal breaker is the stand on LGBT issues, but until you give people a chance, you never know. There are lots of Christians out there who are LGBT friendly. It's about living without judgment and living a softer life..which is a happier life. It's about finding the good in people and giving them the chance to show it to you. It's about acknowledging the good, even if you mostly disagree. There is usually SOMETHING you can agree on and smile about.. find it!
The other thing that I have learned about me from Nick's death is a more compassionate side of me. I noticed it some months ago, but yesterday was the first time I actually voiced this out loud to someone other than Tracy. This is going to sound rather cold and heartless. But I never understood the grief parents had over miscarriages. It's not that I didn't think they should be sad or feel let down. I never thought, "What's the big deal?". I just never really *thought* about it at all. I recognized they were disappointed, but I never got their grief. I'm not really sure why, except that I have never had a miscarriage. My ignorance kept me from completely understanding.
I really had to think about this. Why did I feel this way? Was it my stand on pro-choice? No. I believe a baby is a baby from conception. So why did I not understand? Was it because I thought, "That baby was never born so they never knew that baby so its 'no big deal'?" I guess that is possible; except I know how much I loved my babies while they were in the womb, and I knew (by the way kicked or behaved in the womb) if they liked something or not. So I knew my own babies before they were born. So no. That can't be it. After doing this soul searching, I just decide that it was my own ignorance and lack of compassion. I didn't know HOW to console a friend or sister in law other than to say I'm sorry. I didn't know how to sit in their grief with them. I didn't know until I lost Nick. As a mother losing a child who is 25 years old, it wasn't just about losing a child who grew up to be an amazing human being. It was about the loss of a child that I felt connect to and loved from the moment I conceived him. The grief is about losing the child I felt flutter in my uterus or kicking in the middle of the night. It was about losing the that little tiny fetus who's heart beat so fast I couldn't believe it. When Nick died, I felt it in my uterus. A part of me literally died. And THEN I understood. To all of my friends and family that I was not there for, I am sorry... sorry I wasn't there for you.. and so sorry for your heart breaking loss.
I realized this, and then yesterday I was given an amazing gift. I was meeting a woman about a jewelry party that I am hosting through her business. Our girls go to school together (her daughter is one of those girls Omi wasn't sure she could be friends with outside of school cause the other girl is religious. After meeting the mom, I see Omi's concerns, but I also see WHY Omi needs to reach out to this girl and try). Kim, the woman, asked if I would share Nick's story (we had done the whole.. how many children do you have thing...). So I was very blessed to tell his story to a woman who sat there across from me with a very open and understanding heart. A woman who is very Christian (husband is a traveling music minister) and heard me say how big of an Atheist my son was and still said what an amazing man he was. But the real gift came when she told me about her child she lost when she was 7 months pregnant. Her heart ache is as real as mine. And it was a very special gift to hear her story and to be able to console her and love her completely. I could not have done that without having walked through my grief first. A true blessing.
Then there is the flip side of miscarriages and losing children, and that is not being able to have children at all. A running friend of mine has another friend who is going through the grief of losing a child. His other friend had posted something on Facebook and he was sharing it with me on my Facebook wall. But what his friend said did not touch me near as much as what he said. In a nutshell, he said, "While I will never fully understand your grief, my heart goes out to you. But I am also jealous. Because my wife and I will never be able to have children of our own, I will never know the joy or the grief or the memories you got to have with your children." At first I was shocked at the thought of someone being jealous of my grief. But then I took a breath and thought about this. My friend and I had shared long runs together and had talked about his sadness over not being able to have children, and I remember feeling sad with him. So I get it. I get the jealousy thing. And I get the sadness over not being able to grieve for a child because you loved that child so much. I get it and my heart goes out to him and his amazing wife. And it reminds me that even though I am sad about losing Nick, I had the enormous blessing of being his mom! Such a gift, and because of my friend pointing this out, I got to remember that blessing (not just my grief).
Wow.. this is long.. Sorry about that.
There are other blessings that I am so grateful for.
Last year when we were looking at buying a new home, Tracy kept saying that he wanted to downsize. "The kids are getting older. We don't need those bedrooms." But I reminded him that grand babies will be coming soon. And our parents are getting older. We need to have extra room for people to come visit or live (our parents who are getting older). We specifically chose this house with the idea that our parents might move in with us at some point. As it turned out, grand babies won't be coming any time soon since Nick died. And that is something else that we grieve (big time)... I can't even begin to express how much that one hurts. However, thankfully, we have room for Suzy to live with us now. And Nate's girlfriend moved in too. We went from being close to empty-nesters to having a very full house again. And you know what? I love having a house full of "kids". I always have. And I am very grateful that in downsizing square footage, we didn't downsize in bedroom count! I am very grateful for the home that we chose and the home we have created for our children... and the bonus children that come through our door. My house has always had an open door for kids, and that is still the case today.
Speaking of bonus children, that is something else I am very grateful for. Nate's girlfriend is a godsend! She loves doing yard work, and we have LOTS of it at this house. And she goes out there and does it without any hesitation or even being asked. She does a great job, and I am so very grateful for her. And sometimes she makes the most amazing cupcakes! I love it when all of my girls are in the kitchen baking up something amazing! I love to hear them all laughing.
Then there is Suzy's new boyfriend.....
People always ask me, "Is it hard to see Suzy date?" It's always hard to see her date someone new. I don't care who it is, the first time she starts to date someone, my heart feels pulled. I only want her happiness. But I look at her and think, "That should be Nick." I also know that she never wanted to be in this situation and it's just as hard on her to be without Nick, and any man she dates will have to deal with that and love her because she loved Nick the way she did, as well as for her many other amazing qualities. Since Nick died, she has only had 2 serious boyfriends. They are both very different. And both of them have been what she needed when she needed it. The new boyfriend however has a very special connection to this family (for a couple of reasons). He was friends with Nick and Suzy through junior high and high school. He actually KNEW Nick. He was at Nick's epic 14th birthday party...before Suzy entered the picture. He apparently loved my family back then (though I admittedly do not remember him from back then... he didn't hang out at our house like the other kids). And he remained friends with Nick over the years. And when Nick died, he was crushed. When he started dating Suzy he messaged me and had a heart to heart with me promising to honor Nick and love Suzy the way Suzy deserves. He told me how much Nick meant to him and how much my family means to him. But the other thing that gets me is a true gift. He has Nick's spirit in him. The whole family sees it. His mannerisms when he talks. His work ethic. His family ethic. The way he stands. His posture. He will not replace Nick.. we all know that. But he is a very special man who has come into this family and loves on all of us. He has brought smiles and laughter to Nate and Naomi... something I haven't seen since Nick's death. And its always good to see Suzy happy and feeling loved and cared for; that is what Nick would have wanted and that is what we want for her. So yes, even Suzy's dating is a blessing.
Lastly, our Suburban died last winter. I was very sad. We have been down to one car, which is not usually a horrible issue. Tracy has his motorcycle. But with weather changing, Tracy will not be able to ride soon. And a new vehicle is almost a requirement. And our current vehicle does not fit our entire family so when we go out, we have to take 2 cars. It would be nice to have a car to fit us all again. We don't often all go out at the same time, but when we do, it would be nice to have one that fits us all. So we are looking at Suburban type vehicles again.. to haul the family.. to haul camping gear.. to haul ski gear... And I have to say the fact that my family is "big" again (once you include all the boyfriends/girlfriends) makes me very happy. I love big happy loud families!!!
So yes, today my heart is full and I am counting my blessings in life and in grief.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
October 28, 2015 Sharing Nick....
I always love the chance to get to talk about Nick and share Nick with others. He was such an amazing young man. I love to talk about him, even if it makes me cry sometimes. Today, Nick gave me an incredible blessing.
I went to Walmart with a very clear list of things to buy. This list included veggies for the chili I was planning on making for dinner. The list got a bit longer as I bought more fruits to munch on and healthy eating caught my attention. But I also remembered I have this HUGE (and that is no exaggeration) zucchini that I need to use. So I looked up the recipe for zucchini bread and went shopping for those ingredients. Then I thought, "I can't make just zucchini bread, cause Tracy hates it! Gotta make something Tracy likes." So I bought stuff to make pumpkin rolls. Then I remembered I needed to buy cat food. And while I was in that side of the store, I looked over at the Christmas decorations.
(I should pause here and tell you that upon entering Walmart, the first thing I saw was 3 workers standing under a Merry Christmas sign in which they were putting together a very tall Christmas tree. As I saw a shopper dressed in a Halloween costume leave, I rolled my eyes. Seriously, can't we get through Halloween first? I really do not like advertising for Christmas before Thanksgiving, much less before Halloween! And quite honestly, all I have been able to really think about is getting through November 10th.)
Anyway, I looked over at the Christmas decorations. I remembered Naomi asking about twinkly lights for her room. After picking up the cat food, I pushed my little, tiny cart that was getting quite full over to the Christmas section. First I saw this box of black and white ornaments, and it reminded me of the black Christmas tree Suzy and I wanted for last years Christmas. She and I seriously wanted a black Christmas last year. I looked at the fake white tree they had for cheap and I thought the black ornaments would look cool on it. I kept looking at the fake trees (why? I have no idea). I saw a black one for $39. Sweet! I seriously almost bought it. But I heard Nick laugh at me and say, "No, Mom. You love Christmas. Find things that make you happy. I want you to be happy this year." So I kept wandering around. I don't know why. I hate Christmas before Halloween. I came across greeting cards. I suck at sending them out. But I could feel Nick poking and prodding me. "Find the Christmas card that makes you laugh. Remember the cartoons that made you laugh. Remember all the joking we did about buying the Charlie Brown Christmas Trees. Look, Mom, there is a Peanuts Christmas card collection. Smile! Laugh! Share this with people. Take a family photo of the family now and send it with this.. celebrate life, Mom." I read through the cards that were available in this set. I didn't like them. Not everyone I send cards to will appreciate the word Christmas. I like buying "seasonal cards" or "holiday cards". So I put the box down.
I felt the nudge to keep looking around. I had completely forgotten about the twinkle lights for Omi. Nick had me wandering the isles. I could feel him. I walked down an isle that had ornaments and he had me looking At first I thought, "I'm not going down that isle, all it has is manger scenes." But Nick told me to go. I went. I walked passed the manger scenes and came across some "collectible" ornaments. There were 2 rubber duckies and I got all excited until I saw that they had either a Broncos emblem or a Sea Hawks emblem on them. Nope. But then I made a decision, I will find rubber duckies. I will go on a search on the 'net when I get home. I continued looking at the ornaments. I came across Charlie Brown with a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I laughed at Nick and picked it up and put it in my cart. Then I saw an old fashioned Frosty and I laughed again. Nick knows me too well. I put it in my cart.
I saw the twinkle lights at that point. I picked up the ones I thought Omi would like. She has been having a hard time with lights in her room. They keep breaking or whatever. So I found a rope strand of LED lights. Perfect. I kept wandering and looking at greeting cards on the end caps. I found a box of cards with Snoopy on them. Yup.. those are the cards that Nick was directing me towards. I thought I was done. I was smiling and life was good. I was still shaking my head at the idea of me in this section this time of year. As I was walking out of the section, I heard Nick one more time. "Mom, Go down that isle. There are rubber duckies down that isle." I stood at the end of the isle and looked down it. Yes, there were ornaments down that isle, but I saw nothing bright yellow. I didn't see anything that looked remotely like rubber duckies. But I turned down there anyway....
I walked half way down the isle. I had been looking up and down at these sparkly glittery inexpensive ornaments. They had fishes. I thought to myself, "Who would hang fishes on their Christmas trees?" My answer: "Tracy." I laughed. Then I looked down at the bottom row of ornaments. There was a white rubber ducky with a scarf on! Seriously??? But it looks like the only one. I thought to myself, "I guess white could work. A ghost rubber ducky? No. Not what I want." I reached to put it back and then I saw this gold shiny thing at the bottom of the bin. I looked a bit closer. This bin had pink and blue and white Styrofoam glittery sparkly rubber duckies, but on the bottom there was something gold shining up at me. I picked up the bin and took out rubber duckies until I could get to what was shining at me. It was a YELLOW rubber ducky!! Not only was it one, but there were LOTS of them!!! I contemplated on leaving a few for others, but I decided, "Nope, I'm buying them all!" So I picked them all out and put them on the empty shelf above me and was taking a picture of them and posting it on Facebook. While I was posting them on Facebook, a woman came by and picked up one of my rubber duckies. I was shocked and terrified! "NOOOOOO! Not MY rubber duckies! NOT MY NICK!!!" I joked around and said out loud, "Oops, better put the rest of my stash in my cart." The lady thought I was joking until she saw me putting them all in my cart.
"Oh I'm sorry." She put the one she had picked up back down. "I didn't realize this was yours. Here you go." I picked it back up and handed it to her.
"No. Please take it. If you really want a yellow rubber ducky, you can take this one. " She held it gently in her hands and smiled a HUGE smile.
"Thank you! I was looking for the perfect ornament for this year, and this is it!" I smiled and cried a little bit as my voice cracked. I told her to please enjoy it. I told her it was a gift from Nick and I shared my story with her and showed her my memorial tattoo and told her Nick wanted her to have it. And he did. I heard him in my head.. "Mom, share the rubber duckies! She needs one."
She smiled again, and told me how grateful and appreciative she was. She loved rubber duckies.
I smiled all the way back to the check out stand. And the cashier mentioned something about getting ahead on Christmas stuff. And I told her my story. (Poor cashier) But she thanked me for sharing my story with her cause it made her smile and she told me she completely understood how I felt. I could hear it in her voice. She had lost someone, and she knows the grief and she was grateful to have someone share their story so she didn't feel alone.
I realize that picking up all of the rubber duckies was a "lack mentality". Yes, I had bought enough to share with family members, but I bought MORE than enough. *laugh* Why? Because I was afraid I would lose one (thus feeling like I lost my son all over again) so I wanted to make sure I had extras just in case. Maybe "lack mentality" isn't the right phrase.. maybe its just grief. And that is okay. And I also know it is okay to give up and share my rubber duckies cause that is what Nick would want. He would want people to smile and laugh and have a good time at the holiday season. And he reminded me of that today in so many ways. I love when he comes shopping with me!
I went to Walmart with a very clear list of things to buy. This list included veggies for the chili I was planning on making for dinner. The list got a bit longer as I bought more fruits to munch on and healthy eating caught my attention. But I also remembered I have this HUGE (and that is no exaggeration) zucchini that I need to use. So I looked up the recipe for zucchini bread and went shopping for those ingredients. Then I thought, "I can't make just zucchini bread, cause Tracy hates it! Gotta make something Tracy likes." So I bought stuff to make pumpkin rolls. Then I remembered I needed to buy cat food. And while I was in that side of the store, I looked over at the Christmas decorations.
(I should pause here and tell you that upon entering Walmart, the first thing I saw was 3 workers standing under a Merry Christmas sign in which they were putting together a very tall Christmas tree. As I saw a shopper dressed in a Halloween costume leave, I rolled my eyes. Seriously, can't we get through Halloween first? I really do not like advertising for Christmas before Thanksgiving, much less before Halloween! And quite honestly, all I have been able to really think about is getting through November 10th.)
Anyway, I looked over at the Christmas decorations. I remembered Naomi asking about twinkly lights for her room. After picking up the cat food, I pushed my little, tiny cart that was getting quite full over to the Christmas section. First I saw this box of black and white ornaments, and it reminded me of the black Christmas tree Suzy and I wanted for last years Christmas. She and I seriously wanted a black Christmas last year. I looked at the fake white tree they had for cheap and I thought the black ornaments would look cool on it. I kept looking at the fake trees (why? I have no idea). I saw a black one for $39. Sweet! I seriously almost bought it. But I heard Nick laugh at me and say, "No, Mom. You love Christmas. Find things that make you happy. I want you to be happy this year." So I kept wandering around. I don't know why. I hate Christmas before Halloween. I came across greeting cards. I suck at sending them out. But I could feel Nick poking and prodding me. "Find the Christmas card that makes you laugh. Remember the cartoons that made you laugh. Remember all the joking we did about buying the Charlie Brown Christmas Trees. Look, Mom, there is a Peanuts Christmas card collection. Smile! Laugh! Share this with people. Take a family photo of the family now and send it with this.. celebrate life, Mom." I read through the cards that were available in this set. I didn't like them. Not everyone I send cards to will appreciate the word Christmas. I like buying "seasonal cards" or "holiday cards". So I put the box down.
I felt the nudge to keep looking around. I had completely forgotten about the twinkle lights for Omi. Nick had me wandering the isles. I could feel him. I walked down an isle that had ornaments and he had me looking At first I thought, "I'm not going down that isle, all it has is manger scenes." But Nick told me to go. I went. I walked passed the manger scenes and came across some "collectible" ornaments. There were 2 rubber duckies and I got all excited until I saw that they had either a Broncos emblem or a Sea Hawks emblem on them. Nope. But then I made a decision, I will find rubber duckies. I will go on a search on the 'net when I get home. I continued looking at the ornaments. I came across Charlie Brown with a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I laughed at Nick and picked it up and put it in my cart. Then I saw an old fashioned Frosty and I laughed again. Nick knows me too well. I put it in my cart.
I saw the twinkle lights at that point. I picked up the ones I thought Omi would like. She has been having a hard time with lights in her room. They keep breaking or whatever. So I found a rope strand of LED lights. Perfect. I kept wandering and looking at greeting cards on the end caps. I found a box of cards with Snoopy on them. Yup.. those are the cards that Nick was directing me towards. I thought I was done. I was smiling and life was good. I was still shaking my head at the idea of me in this section this time of year. As I was walking out of the section, I heard Nick one more time. "Mom, Go down that isle. There are rubber duckies down that isle." I stood at the end of the isle and looked down it. Yes, there were ornaments down that isle, but I saw nothing bright yellow. I didn't see anything that looked remotely like rubber duckies. But I turned down there anyway....
I walked half way down the isle. I had been looking up and down at these sparkly glittery inexpensive ornaments. They had fishes. I thought to myself, "Who would hang fishes on their Christmas trees?" My answer: "Tracy." I laughed. Then I looked down at the bottom row of ornaments. There was a white rubber ducky with a scarf on! Seriously??? But it looks like the only one. I thought to myself, "I guess white could work. A ghost rubber ducky? No. Not what I want." I reached to put it back and then I saw this gold shiny thing at the bottom of the bin. I looked a bit closer. This bin had pink and blue and white Styrofoam glittery sparkly rubber duckies, but on the bottom there was something gold shining up at me. I picked up the bin and took out rubber duckies until I could get to what was shining at me. It was a YELLOW rubber ducky!! Not only was it one, but there were LOTS of them!!! I contemplated on leaving a few for others, but I decided, "Nope, I'm buying them all!" So I picked them all out and put them on the empty shelf above me and was taking a picture of them and posting it on Facebook. While I was posting them on Facebook, a woman came by and picked up one of my rubber duckies. I was shocked and terrified! "NOOOOOO! Not MY rubber duckies! NOT MY NICK!!!" I joked around and said out loud, "Oops, better put the rest of my stash in my cart." The lady thought I was joking until she saw me putting them all in my cart.
"Oh I'm sorry." She put the one she had picked up back down. "I didn't realize this was yours. Here you go." I picked it back up and handed it to her.
"No. Please take it. If you really want a yellow rubber ducky, you can take this one. " She held it gently in her hands and smiled a HUGE smile.
"Thank you! I was looking for the perfect ornament for this year, and this is it!" I smiled and cried a little bit as my voice cracked. I told her to please enjoy it. I told her it was a gift from Nick and I shared my story with her and showed her my memorial tattoo and told her Nick wanted her to have it. And he did. I heard him in my head.. "Mom, share the rubber duckies! She needs one."
She smiled again, and told me how grateful and appreciative she was. She loved rubber duckies.
I smiled all the way back to the check out stand. And the cashier mentioned something about getting ahead on Christmas stuff. And I told her my story. (Poor cashier) But she thanked me for sharing my story with her cause it made her smile and she told me she completely understood how I felt. I could hear it in her voice. She had lost someone, and she knows the grief and she was grateful to have someone share their story so she didn't feel alone.
I realize that picking up all of the rubber duckies was a "lack mentality". Yes, I had bought enough to share with family members, but I bought MORE than enough. *laugh* Why? Because I was afraid I would lose one (thus feeling like I lost my son all over again) so I wanted to make sure I had extras just in case. Maybe "lack mentality" isn't the right phrase.. maybe its just grief. And that is okay. And I also know it is okay to give up and share my rubber duckies cause that is what Nick would want. He would want people to smile and laugh and have a good time at the holiday season. And he reminded me of that today in so many ways. I love when he comes shopping with me!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
October 27, 2015 Darned Facebook Memories......
I think I have said something about Facebook memories before. They are bitter sweet, or they can be.
Today I was looking through my memories because the image it showed first was an MRI image of my knee from back when I was fresh meat for roller derby. I thought, "Wow! That was a whole life time ago!" So I went to look at the rest of my memories.
I noticed a couple of things...
1) I always seem to be sick with a cold on this date (I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and headache from hell).
2) 2 years ago today, Omi had her heart crushed by a boy she was "seeing" at the rollerdrome (and she just broke up with her most current boyfriend over the weekend.... something about this time of year, maybe?)
3) This time last year I was very excited for a concert. My favorite band (Set It Off) was coming in November.. November 9th to be exact. We had tickets. Their new album was out and I was totally stoked! Then I read the memory again... The concert was going to be on November 9th. November 9th. That was the last "normal" "happy" day this family had. It was me, Omi, and Nate meeting several of Omi's friends at the venue. We were all super excited. We love this band and we love the young men in this band. They always remember us when they see us (even when they see us out of context in a different state). We had so much fun. Omi got right up front at this concert and got to help Cody (the lead singer) crowd surf. When they see us in the audience, they always sing to us and reach for our hands, and there is always an invitation to party after the concert (even though Naomi is under age). We laughed, we danced, we fan-girled, and we visited with our favorite guys. Little did we know, it would be the last day of normalcy.. the last day of innocence....
*sigh* If we could only rewind time... and know what we know now. What would we have done? What would we have said?
I had lunch with my mom today. We were talking about the 10th coming up. And she shared her precious memories that she had of Nick as a baby, and then of Nick as a college student. (He did, after all spend 12 of his 25 years living under the same roof as her.) I loved hearing her memories....after his birth, the doctor put Nick in my arms arms before giving him to Tracy.....of Tracy holding and taking care of Nick right after he was born and I couldn't do anything....of taking Nick to the park behind her house...of having our big rotweiler pulling Nick in the wagon behind him...OF nick working hard as a college student and all of his friends who loved him. It was sweet to hear. I really hope Nick knew how much his "Momp" loved him.
Today I was looking through my memories because the image it showed first was an MRI image of my knee from back when I was fresh meat for roller derby. I thought, "Wow! That was a whole life time ago!" So I went to look at the rest of my memories.
I noticed a couple of things...
1) I always seem to be sick with a cold on this date (I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and headache from hell).
2) 2 years ago today, Omi had her heart crushed by a boy she was "seeing" at the rollerdrome (and she just broke up with her most current boyfriend over the weekend.... something about this time of year, maybe?)
3) This time last year I was very excited for a concert. My favorite band (Set It Off) was coming in November.. November 9th to be exact. We had tickets. Their new album was out and I was totally stoked! Then I read the memory again... The concert was going to be on November 9th. November 9th. That was the last "normal" "happy" day this family had. It was me, Omi, and Nate meeting several of Omi's friends at the venue. We were all super excited. We love this band and we love the young men in this band. They always remember us when they see us (even when they see us out of context in a different state). We had so much fun. Omi got right up front at this concert and got to help Cody (the lead singer) crowd surf. When they see us in the audience, they always sing to us and reach for our hands, and there is always an invitation to party after the concert (even though Naomi is under age). We laughed, we danced, we fan-girled, and we visited with our favorite guys. Little did we know, it would be the last day of normalcy.. the last day of innocence....
*sigh* If we could only rewind time... and know what we know now. What would we have done? What would we have said?
I had lunch with my mom today. We were talking about the 10th coming up. And she shared her precious memories that she had of Nick as a baby, and then of Nick as a college student. (He did, after all spend 12 of his 25 years living under the same roof as her.) I loved hearing her memories....after his birth, the doctor put Nick in my arms arms before giving him to Tracy.....of Tracy holding and taking care of Nick right after he was born and I couldn't do anything....of taking Nick to the park behind her house...of having our big rotweiler pulling Nick in the wagon behind him...OF nick working hard as a college student and all of his friends who loved him. It was sweet to hear. I really hope Nick knew how much his "Momp" loved him.
Monday, October 26, 2015
October 26, 2015 A Little Bit of This and That
This blog may be a little scattered, but so is my brain and my life, so well.. it's par for the course, right? Right.
Last Wednesday, Tracy and I went to Naomi's Parent/Teacher Conferences. She is our "easy child". When Nick and Nate were in school, these meetings were quit painful. But Naomi, works hard and in general here grades are great. We are not the kind of parents that require certain grades from our children. We only ask that they do their best. Omi's best happens to be Mostly As with a few Bs in Honors and AP classes. But this semester quarter for the first time since elementary school, Naomi actually has a C on her report card. The C is in AP Physics and its just 2 points away from a B. Of course, all of her teachers say she is a great kid and participates and knows her stuff and is willing to help others. After talking with her teachers, it has become a bit apparently that she is possibly dealing with some grief in a couple of her classes.
Nick was a physics major. He loves physics. He also loved his welding classes in high school. Omi is taking both physics and welding. She has the C in physics and a B in welding. Her welding instructor adores her but said she looks a bit overwhelmed in the shop. And her Physics teacher says she looks a bit anxious in social situations. I explained to both of these teachers that Naomi took these classes cause wanted to, but also because she was close to her big brother and her big brother loved these classes and this was part of the plan that the two of them had.. for Omi to take these classes then major in mechanical engineering and the two of them would work together when Omi graduated college. Naomi has been struggling with "What now?" ever since Nick died. But she continued with plans that were already made. But I am certain that Omi thinks about Nick when she is in these classes and that stirs up a bit of her grief. She also has social anxiety, which we had to inform her physics teacher about. Anyway, I let both of these teachers know about Nick and the anniversary coming up. If Omi is going to have a hard time in school during this time of year, it is going to be in these two classes, and they needed to know why. And both of these teachers said, "Now that you have told me this, her behavior makes sense. Thank you." I am proud of Omi for sticking with a plan and for going through courses that can strike a nerve. She is so smart and talented, she is going to make an amazing engineer. She is one tough cookie.
Speaking of tough cookies. Last Thursday, she broke up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years (Nov 30 would have been 2 years for them). I am not going to go into the details; they are not mine to speak of. But I will say, that in this day and age, a regular teenage break up, can be made into a huge ordeal thanks to social media! It's not like when I was a kid. We called our boyfriends or hopefully met in person, but the break up was done either face to face or via phone. We might call our friends to vent and cry. We might talk to our parents, possibly. We might even write notes and pass them back and forth at school with the person we broke up with. But there certainly wasn' any big huge public announcement or need to change a relationship status on Facebook. It was "clean" without crazy drama that the kids now have on social media.
Naomi broke up with her boyfriend and immediately got on facebook to make changes to her relationship status and to "unfollow" the boy she had been dating. She didn't need his status messages showing up on her news feed right after they broke up. Naomi didn't make any huge public announcement. The only thing she said publicly on facebook was "Why does this have to hurt so badly?" There was no mention of a break up from her (other than her relationship status changing). She handled her business with elegance and class. And when a big huge blow up happened over a status message *I* posted that some how got back to his family, Omi was attacked by his mom via facebook IM. It was horrible. All of this happened because someone took something wrong from my status message and made a bad assumption and as rumors do, it got ugly, and we were accused of talking badly about the boy Omi was dating... which we never did. Anyway, it was ugly and uncalled for. Yet, again, Omi held it together and with class, got on her own facebook wall and yelled at people to stop spreading false rumors and stood up for her ex boyfriend. She handled the entire thing with grace and class. In a world filled with ragers on Facebook (and I can be one of them), Omi kept her business private and kept her dignity. I am very proud of her.
Social Media has changed the way we do things. It has forever changed the look and feel of a "break up". It gives people the means to be passive aggressive in crazy ways and behave in such ways they would never think of in person. People have a false sense of safety behind a computer screen, but the reality is, we need to be even more vigilant with what we or how we act. You never know who knows the people you are connected to, and that could allow something to spread like wildfire! Not to mention the texting on the phones. Information gets out so much faster now, and it has the power to seriously harm (if not destroy) someone if we are not careful. I would love to say its just the "kids" we need to worry about, but unfortunately, its the adults too. Adults behave just as badly as the kids do (sometimes worse). So how about we all remember that NOTHING is private once you put it on the Internet.. NOTHING. And eventually, that stuff can come back and bite you in the arse. So be ready to take full responsibility for every word and every picture you put out there. And remember if you cant say something nice, then don't say it at all!
As for Naomi surviving a break up and getting through school at this time of year, with the year anniversary of Nicks death just 15 days away... there is never a good time for a break up and I am very grateful for the people in our lives that love and support her. Last weekend was really rough on her and on us as her parents, but things are looking better and we are all recovering from the drama of the break up. And we are keeping a special eye on her and helping her with big projects coming up in school. And we are keeping her engaged in things that keep her feeling strong and empowered like belly dance, silks class, voice lessons and her horse.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
October 18, 2015 The "What Ifs" and "If We Had Only Knowns"
You know that game you play with your friends and family...
"Well what if the world exploded, do you think the cock roaches would still survive?"
Okay, that might be a silly example, but you know what I mean. I remember being in 6th or 7th grade sitting in history class with Coach White and someone was asking a bunch of "what if" questions, and I thought he was going to explode! *laugh* "No more what if questions!!!!!"
Generally, the "what if" questions are really just an example of us worrying about something we can't control. But I have found out recently that if we don't play the "what if" question game, sometimes it can lead to the "If I had only known....." game, and that game is no fun to play at all.
I know I have said this many times. Pictures. Take LOTS Of pictures! You never know when that picture will be the last picture you take of someone. I realize we can't all walk around taking pictures of everything all of the time. And no one wants to think, "If I don't get that picture and they die, I will regret it the rest of my days." But I am here to tell you, "If you don't get that picture, you will regret it at some point.. maybe not for the rest of your days... but you will regret it!"
My family has never been HUGE on family photos. Okay, when the boys were little, and when Omi was just born, we did take family photos at least once a year. But when we moved to Idaho, it seems like the traditional family photo shoot at the JC Penny's or Sears just wasn't really an option. Photo studios have kind of gone by the way side, and private photographers have taken over the scene. Granted, those family photos are usually more genuine and telling of a family's personality than the "boxed set" from Penny's, but they are also more expensive. So many families just don't make it a priority. They think, "I have a camera, I'll just take them on the fly as we have fun hanging out." Generally, the "point and shoot" memories are lots of fun to look at, but sometimes you miss something that a professional photographer might catch.
With all of that said, in the last year, there is one thing that my family has realized. Not enough pictures were taken. And that is saying a great deal considering my kids are always complaining about me taking pictures. Suzy and Nick, on their own, didn't take a bunch of pictures together, and that is something that Suzy realized pretty quickly after Nick's death. That kind of realization is heart breaking. We all have some kind of regret around pictures. Most recently is the realization that there are no "recent" images of Naomi and Nick together. We have pictures of them together working on the motorcycle but neither of them are looking at the camera at the same time. Those pictures were taken so that we would have the memory of them working on the bike together, but now Omi is looking for a picture of the two of them together so she can make a photo phone case. The only pictures I could find went back to 2012 and 2011.
While I was looking back at the pictures trying to find one for Omi to use, I remembered that we took a year off from family vacation because Tracy and I went to Belize for our 25th wedding anniversary. Now I find myself kicking myself for not making the time for us all to get together that year. Even though, we spent a week with them the next year. The last family vacation we had with Nick was when they came here to visit in 2014. The vacations when they came here meant we didn't get alot of time with them because they were off visiting her family or their friends, and as it turned out, it would have been the last time my family was all together and we didn't get nearly enough time with Nick, and it's just not fair. (Nothing in life is fair).
Watching Omi realize that she couldn't find that right picture for her phone broke my heart. She sounded so angry that there were lots of Nick and Nate pictures together, but not any of her and Nick. But when I look at those pictures, it is only because of the way we were all sitting during a game of Uno while waiting for fireworks on the 4th of July. There are other pictures of Omi alone but they were pictures of her playing foot bag with Nick. They are pictures to remember a memory.. not posed pictures with fake smiles. (Though I do have photos of all of the kids together.. just none of her and Nick alone). Anyway, to see her grief...is to FEEL her grief. And there is nothing worse than to watch your children hurting knowing there is NOTHING you can do. My heart just broke.
I think about this all of the time....the "What ifs" and "If we had only knowns". We would have taken more/different pictures. We would have behaved differently and spent the time a bit differently. We all have regrets and wishes for things to be different. But we can't play those games. The "What ifs" have us worrying about the future, and the "If we had only knowns" keep us looking behind us and living with regrets and sometimes guilt. Both of which keep us pretty sad and miserable. We have to look at the NOW.. which is hard to do when you are grieving and missing a loved one. I would give anything to have Nick back or to have those pictures that we never took. I would give anything to take away the pain that my family experiences on a daily basis. The pain might not be all consuming, but it is felt on a daily basis at some level.
As the days slip by and the 1st anniversary inches closer, I see the toll it is taking on the family. Nightmares are returning. Sleeplessness is taking hold. Tears pool on our eye lids threatening to flood our cheeks. Tempers sit a the edge of the danger zone. Memories flood back. Last year at this time........
The "stupid" facebook memory thing is kind of evil. It's a double edged sword. It can remind us of the good times, but then we remember that those good times come to a screeching halt in less than a month's time frame. Just today while we were at breakfast, Suzy was looking through her memories on facebook and she was smiling. She was looking at last year's Halloween costume shopping. I remember them doing that. Even though they were in Florida, I remember this time and smile. There was a great hunt for a green t-shirt for Nick to wear (he was going as Shaggy from Scooby Doo). We all smiled and remembered. And I know in my heart, I was smiling... and I was sad. Last year at this time, we were having a heck of a time doing fun things like settling into our new home and making plans for our new place. We had just gone to Boise Comic Con and Omi got to meet one of her favorite actors and it brought her to tears. Life was filled with endless possibilities, but in those possibilities we never played the "What if one of our children dies within a month?!" game. When I think about the possibilities being endless, I always think about the positive side of things, but today as I type this, I think the possibilities could also be catastrophic. No one wants to think that way, but today I realized it's true.
So with that in mind, get our your cameras people. Take pictures! Take LOTS of pictures. Not just any picture, but pictures with each person in your family alone with every other person in the family. Each kid with each kid. Each parent with each kid. Each kid with each parent. Take those pictures! Photographers, PLEASE take THOSE pictures! No one wants to think "What if..." but the reality is, THOSE pictures are sooooooooo very important to the family that is left behind and no one wants to live with regrets.
"Well what if the world exploded, do you think the cock roaches would still survive?"
Okay, that might be a silly example, but you know what I mean. I remember being in 6th or 7th grade sitting in history class with Coach White and someone was asking a bunch of "what if" questions, and I thought he was going to explode! *laugh* "No more what if questions!!!!!"
Generally, the "what if" questions are really just an example of us worrying about something we can't control. But I have found out recently that if we don't play the "what if" question game, sometimes it can lead to the "If I had only known....." game, and that game is no fun to play at all.
I know I have said this many times. Pictures. Take LOTS Of pictures! You never know when that picture will be the last picture you take of someone. I realize we can't all walk around taking pictures of everything all of the time. And no one wants to think, "If I don't get that picture and they die, I will regret it the rest of my days." But I am here to tell you, "If you don't get that picture, you will regret it at some point.. maybe not for the rest of your days... but you will regret it!"
My family has never been HUGE on family photos. Okay, when the boys were little, and when Omi was just born, we did take family photos at least once a year. But when we moved to Idaho, it seems like the traditional family photo shoot at the JC Penny's or Sears just wasn't really an option. Photo studios have kind of gone by the way side, and private photographers have taken over the scene. Granted, those family photos are usually more genuine and telling of a family's personality than the "boxed set" from Penny's, but they are also more expensive. So many families just don't make it a priority. They think, "I have a camera, I'll just take them on the fly as we have fun hanging out." Generally, the "point and shoot" memories are lots of fun to look at, but sometimes you miss something that a professional photographer might catch.
With all of that said, in the last year, there is one thing that my family has realized. Not enough pictures were taken. And that is saying a great deal considering my kids are always complaining about me taking pictures. Suzy and Nick, on their own, didn't take a bunch of pictures together, and that is something that Suzy realized pretty quickly after Nick's death. That kind of realization is heart breaking. We all have some kind of regret around pictures. Most recently is the realization that there are no "recent" images of Naomi and Nick together. We have pictures of them together working on the motorcycle but neither of them are looking at the camera at the same time. Those pictures were taken so that we would have the memory of them working on the bike together, but now Omi is looking for a picture of the two of them together so she can make a photo phone case. The only pictures I could find went back to 2012 and 2011.
While I was looking back at the pictures trying to find one for Omi to use, I remembered that we took a year off from family vacation because Tracy and I went to Belize for our 25th wedding anniversary. Now I find myself kicking myself for not making the time for us all to get together that year. Even though, we spent a week with them the next year. The last family vacation we had with Nick was when they came here to visit in 2014. The vacations when they came here meant we didn't get alot of time with them because they were off visiting her family or their friends, and as it turned out, it would have been the last time my family was all together and we didn't get nearly enough time with Nick, and it's just not fair. (Nothing in life is fair).
Watching Omi realize that she couldn't find that right picture for her phone broke my heart. She sounded so angry that there were lots of Nick and Nate pictures together, but not any of her and Nick. But when I look at those pictures, it is only because of the way we were all sitting during a game of Uno while waiting for fireworks on the 4th of July. There are other pictures of Omi alone but they were pictures of her playing foot bag with Nick. They are pictures to remember a memory.. not posed pictures with fake smiles. (Though I do have photos of all of the kids together.. just none of her and Nick alone). Anyway, to see her grief...is to FEEL her grief. And there is nothing worse than to watch your children hurting knowing there is NOTHING you can do. My heart just broke.
I think about this all of the time....the "What ifs" and "If we had only knowns". We would have taken more/different pictures. We would have behaved differently and spent the time a bit differently. We all have regrets and wishes for things to be different. But we can't play those games. The "What ifs" have us worrying about the future, and the "If we had only knowns" keep us looking behind us and living with regrets and sometimes guilt. Both of which keep us pretty sad and miserable. We have to look at the NOW.. which is hard to do when you are grieving and missing a loved one. I would give anything to have Nick back or to have those pictures that we never took. I would give anything to take away the pain that my family experiences on a daily basis. The pain might not be all consuming, but it is felt on a daily basis at some level.
As the days slip by and the 1st anniversary inches closer, I see the toll it is taking on the family. Nightmares are returning. Sleeplessness is taking hold. Tears pool on our eye lids threatening to flood our cheeks. Tempers sit a the edge of the danger zone. Memories flood back. Last year at this time........
The "stupid" facebook memory thing is kind of evil. It's a double edged sword. It can remind us of the good times, but then we remember that those good times come to a screeching halt in less than a month's time frame. Just today while we were at breakfast, Suzy was looking through her memories on facebook and she was smiling. She was looking at last year's Halloween costume shopping. I remember them doing that. Even though they were in Florida, I remember this time and smile. There was a great hunt for a green t-shirt for Nick to wear (he was going as Shaggy from Scooby Doo). We all smiled and remembered. And I know in my heart, I was smiling... and I was sad. Last year at this time, we were having a heck of a time doing fun things like settling into our new home and making plans for our new place. We had just gone to Boise Comic Con and Omi got to meet one of her favorite actors and it brought her to tears. Life was filled with endless possibilities, but in those possibilities we never played the "What if one of our children dies within a month?!" game. When I think about the possibilities being endless, I always think about the positive side of things, but today as I type this, I think the possibilities could also be catastrophic. No one wants to think that way, but today I realized it's true.
So with that in mind, get our your cameras people. Take pictures! Take LOTS of pictures. Not just any picture, but pictures with each person in your family alone with every other person in the family. Each kid with each kid. Each parent with each kid. Each kid with each parent. Take those pictures! Photographers, PLEASE take THOSE pictures! No one wants to think "What if..." but the reality is, THOSE pictures are sooooooooo very important to the family that is left behind and no one wants to live with regrets.
Surprise Boise Visit 2011
Texas Family Vacation 2012
Boise Visit 2014
Saturday, October 17, 2015
October 17, 2015 The Answer Is Always 42.....
Unless you take those silly online quizzes that you find on facebook. Those answers are usually a bit longer winded and have some deep interpretation of your life based on your answers. Sometimes those answers are actually kind of dead on, and some times you look at them and scream, "Really? That's what you think of me??!!!"
Today, out of mind numbing boredom, I took a quiz. It had me choosing the first parts of photos that I saw and this is what it came up with about me....
"Your positive outlook on life makes you a pleasure to be around. Your smile and your sense of humor are truly infectious. You always see the glass as half-full and, as a result, life is always treat!"
Given this time of year... Halloween... I kind of feel like life is more like a trick rather than a treat, but (in general) I don't think I can really deny what this test said about me. In general, I do have a positive outlook on life and see the glass as half-full. These passed 11 months have certainly put this to the test, but there is one thing I know for certain and that is, shit happens! But just because you step in shit, doesn't mean you are drowning in it or that it can't be washed off. It doesn't even really have to ruin the shoes you were wearing when you stepped in it. LOL. Sorry, I was at the horse ranch today so I have manure on the brain I guess and it kind of has me thinking.... (Boy this blog is taking me in a different route than I thought it would.)
So, shoes that step in shit may not always be ruined (some may, but let's face it, you usually are wearing the proper attire when you go to a ranch or when you take the dog to the park). It truly is a matter of just rinsing things off, and going on you merry way. But just because you cleaned off your shoes, it doesn't mean that very unpleasant memory is going to go away. Stepping in shit might detour your plans for a little bit, but it doesn't mean you life is ruined. You might look back and think, "OMG, what a horrible experience. First it was the shit I stepped in. Then it was the way it derailed my night (which was kind of important). Then there was the cleaning the shit off of my shoes, which was NOT a pleasant experience!" Let's face it, stepping in shit and having to clean it off is NOT pleasant. You gotta scrape it off (which smells to no end) and sometimes you even track it into to the house which requires more cleaning and more stench. Then there is the real cleaning and scrubbing to get it off and make sure everything is clean. This is not a fun process and it's not a clean thing to go through. Its gross. And if it derailed your plans and made you late or had to cancel or whatever, it certainly isn't convenient. BUT....it didn't ruin your life, and it likely didn't ruin your shoes!
Grief is kind of like that. It's the huge pile of shit you didn't see as you were joyfully walking through your life. All of a sudden, there is a gross feeling of "squish", then a smell, then the "oh shit!" realization that you are going to have to go through a process to clean this mess up and get on with life.
Where am I in this "oh shit" process that is grief? To be honest, I am not really certain. Just when I think I have it all cleaned off of my shoes, the stench comes back and I find myself looking for the source of the smell and going through the process again. My shoes may be clean, but I think some of it got dragged into the house and I have to go hunting, but eventually I find it and do some more cleaning. And that is okay.
The thing is... the shit might get cleaned up and it may have derailed alot of what I thought my life would look like. But it has not ruined my shoes, my house, or my life. Even when it is all cleaned up, the memory of all of this is still going to stick around and sometimes I might even think I smell it. But I guarantee you, I won't always find it....it will just be the memory of it.
And for the record, while I was at the ranch today, I was leaning up against the wall under the pigeons and one of them pooped on my shoulder.. on my favorite sweater. LOL. It didn't ruin my sweater, my day, or my life. Just had to clean it off and keep moving. (And I was kind of asking for it, based on where I was standing.) LOL.
I'm not saying that losing my son is an easy thing to get over. You all have read my blogs, you know better than that. I cry. I get angry. I want to rip people's heads off. I know that for the rest of my life, I will have his hole that will never be filled. But it is not going to ruin my life. There is much to much to live for....and much too much life to experience. So ya, I guess I am the "glass is half full" type person. I also believe in gratitude and I'm grateful for my ability to see beyond my grief and experience the good things in life too.
Today, out of mind numbing boredom, I took a quiz. It had me choosing the first parts of photos that I saw and this is what it came up with about me....
"Your positive outlook on life makes you a pleasure to be around. Your smile and your sense of humor are truly infectious. You always see the glass as half-full and, as a result, life is always treat!"
Given this time of year... Halloween... I kind of feel like life is more like a trick rather than a treat, but (in general) I don't think I can really deny what this test said about me. In general, I do have a positive outlook on life and see the glass as half-full. These passed 11 months have certainly put this to the test, but there is one thing I know for certain and that is, shit happens! But just because you step in shit, doesn't mean you are drowning in it or that it can't be washed off. It doesn't even really have to ruin the shoes you were wearing when you stepped in it. LOL. Sorry, I was at the horse ranch today so I have manure on the brain I guess and it kind of has me thinking.... (Boy this blog is taking me in a different route than I thought it would.)
So, shoes that step in shit may not always be ruined (some may, but let's face it, you usually are wearing the proper attire when you go to a ranch or when you take the dog to the park). It truly is a matter of just rinsing things off, and going on you merry way. But just because you cleaned off your shoes, it doesn't mean that very unpleasant memory is going to go away. Stepping in shit might detour your plans for a little bit, but it doesn't mean you life is ruined. You might look back and think, "OMG, what a horrible experience. First it was the shit I stepped in. Then it was the way it derailed my night (which was kind of important). Then there was the cleaning the shit off of my shoes, which was NOT a pleasant experience!" Let's face it, stepping in shit and having to clean it off is NOT pleasant. You gotta scrape it off (which smells to no end) and sometimes you even track it into to the house which requires more cleaning and more stench. Then there is the real cleaning and scrubbing to get it off and make sure everything is clean. This is not a fun process and it's not a clean thing to go through. Its gross. And if it derailed your plans and made you late or had to cancel or whatever, it certainly isn't convenient. BUT....it didn't ruin your life, and it likely didn't ruin your shoes!
Grief is kind of like that. It's the huge pile of shit you didn't see as you were joyfully walking through your life. All of a sudden, there is a gross feeling of "squish", then a smell, then the "oh shit!" realization that you are going to have to go through a process to clean this mess up and get on with life.
Where am I in this "oh shit" process that is grief? To be honest, I am not really certain. Just when I think I have it all cleaned off of my shoes, the stench comes back and I find myself looking for the source of the smell and going through the process again. My shoes may be clean, but I think some of it got dragged into the house and I have to go hunting, but eventually I find it and do some more cleaning. And that is okay.
The thing is... the shit might get cleaned up and it may have derailed alot of what I thought my life would look like. But it has not ruined my shoes, my house, or my life. Even when it is all cleaned up, the memory of all of this is still going to stick around and sometimes I might even think I smell it. But I guarantee you, I won't always find it....it will just be the memory of it.
And for the record, while I was at the ranch today, I was leaning up against the wall under the pigeons and one of them pooped on my shoulder.. on my favorite sweater. LOL. It didn't ruin my sweater, my day, or my life. Just had to clean it off and keep moving. (And I was kind of asking for it, based on where I was standing.) LOL.
I'm not saying that losing my son is an easy thing to get over. You all have read my blogs, you know better than that. I cry. I get angry. I want to rip people's heads off. I know that for the rest of my life, I will have his hole that will never be filled. But it is not going to ruin my life. There is much to much to live for....and much too much life to experience. So ya, I guess I am the "glass is half full" type person. I also believe in gratitude and I'm grateful for my ability to see beyond my grief and experience the good things in life too.
Friday, October 16, 2015
October 16, 2015 "The Great Lord Works In Mysterious Ways"
What a crock of bullshit! No I will no apologize to my Christian friends who thought this was going to be all Christ like or that I found God or whatever........and his is why....
THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING HUMAN BEING!!!
I know the people who say these things say them because
1) They have no earthly clue how to respond to death
2) They are trying very hard to rationalize something so horrific and show empathy
3) Thy truly believe that some God up in the sky has a reason for killing off people that we love.
So today, I decided I would take out some grief on my stupid, over grown rats of the shrub world.. my rose bushes. I took out my electric trimmer and set out to work. While I was trimming some horrible vine, I saw sparks ("Oh look.. how pretty.. oh wait! That isn't suppose to happen! Oh Shit, I just trimmed the electrical cord. Guess it's time for a brain break!") I walked back to the garage and saw my next door neighbor, Jed (at least I think that is his name). Jed (we will just call him that) is a truck driver, Harley riding, uncensored, tell it like he thinks it is, unapologetic, authentic human being. My first meeting with him was last Halloween when he joined us at another neighbors house for drinks and handing out candy, and the stories that were coming out of his mouth had *me* blushing (and that is hard to do). Anyway, we greeted each other with the usual niceties. Then he asked in a very sweet way (unusual for such a gruff kind of guy), "How are you doing? I haven't seen you out and about in a while. " Then in an even quieter and gentler voice, "I heard you had a son or daughter pass..." His words got quieter and quieter as he asked this question. I smiled at him and crossed the property line to continue the conversation.
It takes alot of empathy to ask this in the way that he did. I was just thinking the other day that all of our closest (in proximity) neighbors know about Nick's accident or that we lost a child. But NONE of them have come to check on us.... not even the Mormon across the street (You can usually count on the Mormons to check on you.. who knows.. maybe they are the ones who sent the missionaries). Anyway, I thought it was odd. This neighborhood, this cluster of houses, is usually pretty tight and friendly, yet no one has checked on us. I realize death is awkward. I get it. So when Jed checked on me today... this big, burly, rough and tough guy...my heart kind of melted. AND, he is a Harley rider. He will understand more than most what this accident means to us as bike riders.
I continued the conversation. "Yes, it was our son, Nick, who was killed last November in a motorcycle accident." (I should say that my son Nate has gone over to Jed's house a couple of times to play guitar, smoke, drink and share in a few parties over there. So maybe, this conversation came up.. I don't know.) Anyway, Jed continued to ask questions about the accident. His face was filled with gently empathy. Someone who understood... another rider who understood what it means. But then he said.. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways. There is a reason for everything."
I took a deep breath and just replied with, "I guess." He continued with this train of thought. He never struck me as the Bible thumping kind of man. I kept hearing Nick in the back of my head, "WTF is that???!!!! God has NOTHING to do with this!" If Nick was buried, he would be rolling over in his grave. Maybe I should be surprise that Suzy's room is not covered in explosive ashes! Anyway, Jed kept going. I finally replied with, "If you believe in that kind of thing. To me, it's just a senseless accident that took my son from me." He continued. I could see it in his face. He was just another rider trying to make sense of a rider taken down. I understand. But from a grieving mom stand point, God had nothing to do with it.. and if he did, then what the fuck was he thinking? Why would a benevolent, loving God take my son from us? Ya.. not buying it, people.
I really can't find one good reason for Nick's death. I have tried! I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to make sense of it. But in all honesty, there is nothing. Are there lessons I can learn from the grief I experience? Yes. Would I have learned them without the death of my son, not likely. Could I have gone on with the rest of my life without having ever learned these lessons, YES. They are not vital to my existence. So, ya, do me (and every other grieving human being in his world) a favor, and take this line of thinking out of your "How to console a grieving person tool box". Please, and thanks.
On another and different note on religion.....
Grief has a way of making you think about God, Heaven, Hell, and the afterlife. I have long since given up on the idea of heaven and/or hell. For years I have believed that heaven or hell is what we make of this life that we live.. no where we go after we die. I also believe that after we die, we just return to source. I believe that we are energy in a human form and that when our human form expires our energy returns to the energy source that is all around us. Kind of like an ice cube. It is still water, but in a physical/hard form. But when you put it into a bowl of water, the physical/hard form ceases to exist and the soft/liquid form returns to become one with the rest of the water. So yes, that is what I believe happens when our physical bodies expire.
However, I have been contemplating the idea of a heaven, the kind of heaven that the Mormons believe in. It's no really heaven that I think about, but the idea that "family is forever" and that once we die, we rejoin our family members in heaven. We actually get to be with them again (or so they believe). When I was a Christian, I never believed that. I just believed we went to heaven, but our family members are just more people up in heaven, not people we would recognize as family members. And I never really gave it much thought. Why would I? I was young and never lost anyone that was that close to me to be concerned about it. But here I am, 11 months into the loss of my son. The idea of sealing a family member to another family member and "family is forever" and the idea of being with my son again in a way that is very tangible is kind of tempting. (Not tempting enough to become Mormon or to go against everything Nick believes and force him to be Mormon by doing a proxy baptism in the Temple....Nick would explode in Suzy's room!) But the idea is kind of nice, and I understand why Mormons love that part of what they believe. I get it. I would not make a good Mormon anyway.. too many things to give up. But if I could have multiple husbands (and wives) I might reconsider. *laugh*
Anyway, I don't need the family sealing. When I remind myself what I believe, that Nick's energy has returned to "source".. to the rest of the energy of this world and that we are all part of this energy and that we are all connected, then Nick IS connected to me right NOW and he is HERE right NOW... and that is also why he plays with the lights in the house. *laugh* LOL, maybe that is why I cut the electrical cord while working in the yard....Nick wanted me to see the pretty sparks :). That is something he would have loved to have seen and played with. *laugh*
THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GRIEVING HUMAN BEING!!!
I know the people who say these things say them because
1) They have no earthly clue how to respond to death
2) They are trying very hard to rationalize something so horrific and show empathy
3) Thy truly believe that some God up in the sky has a reason for killing off people that we love.
So today, I decided I would take out some grief on my stupid, over grown rats of the shrub world.. my rose bushes. I took out my electric trimmer and set out to work. While I was trimming some horrible vine, I saw sparks ("Oh look.. how pretty.. oh wait! That isn't suppose to happen! Oh Shit, I just trimmed the electrical cord. Guess it's time for a brain break!") I walked back to the garage and saw my next door neighbor, Jed (at least I think that is his name). Jed (we will just call him that) is a truck driver, Harley riding, uncensored, tell it like he thinks it is, unapologetic, authentic human being. My first meeting with him was last Halloween when he joined us at another neighbors house for drinks and handing out candy, and the stories that were coming out of his mouth had *me* blushing (and that is hard to do). Anyway, we greeted each other with the usual niceties. Then he asked in a very sweet way (unusual for such a gruff kind of guy), "How are you doing? I haven't seen you out and about in a while. " Then in an even quieter and gentler voice, "I heard you had a son or daughter pass..." His words got quieter and quieter as he asked this question. I smiled at him and crossed the property line to continue the conversation.
It takes alot of empathy to ask this in the way that he did. I was just thinking the other day that all of our closest (in proximity) neighbors know about Nick's accident or that we lost a child. But NONE of them have come to check on us.... not even the Mormon across the street (You can usually count on the Mormons to check on you.. who knows.. maybe they are the ones who sent the missionaries). Anyway, I thought it was odd. This neighborhood, this cluster of houses, is usually pretty tight and friendly, yet no one has checked on us. I realize death is awkward. I get it. So when Jed checked on me today... this big, burly, rough and tough guy...my heart kind of melted. AND, he is a Harley rider. He will understand more than most what this accident means to us as bike riders.
I continued the conversation. "Yes, it was our son, Nick, who was killed last November in a motorcycle accident." (I should say that my son Nate has gone over to Jed's house a couple of times to play guitar, smoke, drink and share in a few parties over there. So maybe, this conversation came up.. I don't know.) Anyway, Jed continued to ask questions about the accident. His face was filled with gently empathy. Someone who understood... another rider who understood what it means. But then he said.. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways. There is a reason for everything."
I took a deep breath and just replied with, "I guess." He continued with this train of thought. He never struck me as the Bible thumping kind of man. I kept hearing Nick in the back of my head, "WTF is that???!!!! God has NOTHING to do with this!" If Nick was buried, he would be rolling over in his grave. Maybe I should be surprise that Suzy's room is not covered in explosive ashes! Anyway, Jed kept going. I finally replied with, "If you believe in that kind of thing. To me, it's just a senseless accident that took my son from me." He continued. I could see it in his face. He was just another rider trying to make sense of a rider taken down. I understand. But from a grieving mom stand point, God had nothing to do with it.. and if he did, then what the fuck was he thinking? Why would a benevolent, loving God take my son from us? Ya.. not buying it, people.
I really can't find one good reason for Nick's death. I have tried! I have tried to rationalize it. I have tried to make sense of it. But in all honesty, there is nothing. Are there lessons I can learn from the grief I experience? Yes. Would I have learned them without the death of my son, not likely. Could I have gone on with the rest of my life without having ever learned these lessons, YES. They are not vital to my existence. So, ya, do me (and every other grieving human being in his world) a favor, and take this line of thinking out of your "How to console a grieving person tool box". Please, and thanks.
On another and different note on religion.....
Grief has a way of making you think about God, Heaven, Hell, and the afterlife. I have long since given up on the idea of heaven and/or hell. For years I have believed that heaven or hell is what we make of this life that we live.. no where we go after we die. I also believe that after we die, we just return to source. I believe that we are energy in a human form and that when our human form expires our energy returns to the energy source that is all around us. Kind of like an ice cube. It is still water, but in a physical/hard form. But when you put it into a bowl of water, the physical/hard form ceases to exist and the soft/liquid form returns to become one with the rest of the water. So yes, that is what I believe happens when our physical bodies expire.
However, I have been contemplating the idea of a heaven, the kind of heaven that the Mormons believe in. It's no really heaven that I think about, but the idea that "family is forever" and that once we die, we rejoin our family members in heaven. We actually get to be with them again (or so they believe). When I was a Christian, I never believed that. I just believed we went to heaven, but our family members are just more people up in heaven, not people we would recognize as family members. And I never really gave it much thought. Why would I? I was young and never lost anyone that was that close to me to be concerned about it. But here I am, 11 months into the loss of my son. The idea of sealing a family member to another family member and "family is forever" and the idea of being with my son again in a way that is very tangible is kind of tempting. (Not tempting enough to become Mormon or to go against everything Nick believes and force him to be Mormon by doing a proxy baptism in the Temple....Nick would explode in Suzy's room!) But the idea is kind of nice, and I understand why Mormons love that part of what they believe. I get it. I would not make a good Mormon anyway.. too many things to give up. But if I could have multiple husbands (and wives) I might reconsider. *laugh*
Anyway, I don't need the family sealing. When I remind myself what I believe, that Nick's energy has returned to "source".. to the rest of the energy of this world and that we are all part of this energy and that we are all connected, then Nick IS connected to me right NOW and he is HERE right NOW... and that is also why he plays with the lights in the house. *laugh* LOL, maybe that is why I cut the electrical cord while working in the yard....Nick wanted me to see the pretty sparks :). That is something he would have loved to have seen and played with. *laugh*
Thursday, October 15, 2015
October 15, 2015 A Little Bit of This and That
Life has away of rolling along, even during my 20 minute brain breaks.
Ever since last week, I have been joking around about writing a book on how to live life in 2 hour increments (since that is the way have to live my life right now). It's crazy how much you can get done in 2 hours when you know that is all you have before you need to rest your brain for 20 minutes. But it also has me questioning what is really important in my life. When you only have 2 hours at a time to get things done, is running to the mall really THAT important? What else could I be doing in those 2 hours? What about watching that TV show? Is it really that important? And what about sitting on Facebook hitting refresh or hoping that a certain someone sends you a message (and that person never does). Making wise choices and learning what is truly important happens when you live your life in 2 hour increments.
I have also learned that in those 20 minute brain breaks, I may not have any outside stimulation going on, but my brain likes to work over time and I'm actually listening. It says some pretty amazing things. It is also filled with lots of crap, and I get to sift through it and find the amazing gems. The not so great part about this by the time my 20 minutes is up, my brain has been through 100 different thoughts and I have forgotten the good ones by the time I am up and running again. *laugh* Ah well.
In the last week, I have had my hysterectomy rescheduled (it was suppose to be today, but the doctor broke his foot and needed his own surgery) until November 19th. I have had a job offered to me (that I was not looking for) and had to turn it down thanks to brain injury therapy. I performed in a huge burlesque show with some of my favorite performers. It was so amazing to share a stage with them! And I got paid for it!!! Of course, none of us get paid enough to cover the sparkles on our costumes, but we love our art! There is no better feeling than getting paid for your art and expressing yourself! I also go to belly dance with my sisters over the weekend, and that went really well. But as busy as my weekend was, the brain hang over and recovery has been harsh. I'm still recovering and its almost the weekend again!
The anniversary of Nick's death is quickly approaching, and I can't help but feel like we should DO something, but I don't really know what. Everything inside of me keeps telling me to make a trip o Florida. But why? It's not like he is there. He isn' even buried there. His ashes are upstairs in Suzy's room. Going to the corner where he was killed.. it always feels like I am closer to him there, but that is silly. I want to go there and sit on the corner and cry. I wan to go there and light candles (or put out LED candles) on the corner that day. I want to hold vigil ..just in case Michaeleen Blair drives by that day and remembers what she did and how she changed our world. But what is more likely is that we will sit around a fire pit a home.. which is cool too. I don't know.
Last night I had a dream about taking a trip to Belize. Tracy wasn't with me, but Nate went with me. Just the 2 of us escaping to paradise. It was kind of a bizarre dream. I'm sure its not just unconscious telling me that I want to run away for a while. I have a HUGE desire to get away. Maybe its cause of the anniversary coming up. Maybe its because of the enormous amounts of doctors visits I have scheduled. Maybe its just because I have the travel bug. But I want to get away. I want to travel to New York and stay in a nice hotel, visit the museums, see a show. I want to run away to the beach and put my toes in the sand. I want to head to Vegas and catch some shows and sit by the pool. I want to laugh with friends.
Change is never easy for me. I don't like it very much. When it comes to relationships, change is even harder. I expect alot, when I should really expect nothing. I give everything, when I should really be choosy about how much I give and to whom. I love entirely too quickly and entirely too deeply and often on people who when it comes down to it, I probably shouldn't. But at the same time, I believe that loving people is never wrong, but I should be prepared to no be loved back or as much or in a way that I want to be loved. One day I may learn these lessons. One day I may learn to be choosy. One day I may learn that not everyone has the capability to love without restraint or they choose to love when its convenient for them and the moment its not convenient, I become expendable. The truth is, I deserve better than that. I know this. One day these people will call me and find out I'm not here. One day they will call me and find out that I will not make time for them because I am not that person anymore. One day they will want to see me and find out that I am not going to work my life around them to make them feel good. And that will be their loss, not mine. Nothing in this life is permanent. NOTHING. People come and go... they move in and out of your life. Maybe its time that I move out of some people's lives and make room in my life for people who really want to be there. I have lost enough in this past year, and I'm tired of losing more. So maybe instead of looking at it as losing, I will look at it as cleansing. I am cleansing my life of the hanger-ons.. the ones who attach themselves to me and take but no longer give. I am washing them off and starting clean. (In my head I hear a cackling and this message.. "Easier said than done!" That may be true but I am worth it.)
How often do we hang on to people because we think we love them or think they love us back (because they say they do)? How often do we look at those relationships and hear "i love yous" but see no real action behind it? How often do we hang to those relationships in hopes that we will one day feel like what they are saying is true...that one day they will actually SHOW It no just say it. How often do we hang on to those relationships out of loyalty or some kind of "should have". This is so co-dependent it's not even funny. We as individuals need to learn that that only person we really need to be loyal to is ourselves. We can not keep expending emotional energy on someone hoping that they will give that same kind of energy back. We can not keep expending that kind of emotional energy thinking that we are the only people on this planet that can save them and if we disappear, the other person's world will shatter. Cause, guess what?! IT WON'T. They might notice we are no longer here.. possibly....they might notice in the way that they notice an annoying fly has moved on to something else. Or thy might not notice at all. Because if we were really important to them, they would make time for us. They would call us or text us or make time to visit us. They would stop making excuses as to why they can't see us and just DO IT.. cause that is what people who love us do.
Relationships evolve and change. And we either become closer to people or we move apart. That's the truth of life. Yes, maybe we will cry about it, but in the long run, we know this as truth and we continue to move on, because being stuck in the muck is just not any fun and there are lots of people out there who are ready and willing to truly be there for us, but first we have to shake off the ones who are just hanging on so we can make room in our hearts for those who really truly want to be there.
Well okay....I guess I had alot on my mind. It's about time for another brain break.....
Ever since last week, I have been joking around about writing a book on how to live life in 2 hour increments (since that is the way have to live my life right now). It's crazy how much you can get done in 2 hours when you know that is all you have before you need to rest your brain for 20 minutes. But it also has me questioning what is really important in my life. When you only have 2 hours at a time to get things done, is running to the mall really THAT important? What else could I be doing in those 2 hours? What about watching that TV show? Is it really that important? And what about sitting on Facebook hitting refresh or hoping that a certain someone sends you a message (and that person never does). Making wise choices and learning what is truly important happens when you live your life in 2 hour increments.
I have also learned that in those 20 minute brain breaks, I may not have any outside stimulation going on, but my brain likes to work over time and I'm actually listening. It says some pretty amazing things. It is also filled with lots of crap, and I get to sift through it and find the amazing gems. The not so great part about this by the time my 20 minutes is up, my brain has been through 100 different thoughts and I have forgotten the good ones by the time I am up and running again. *laugh* Ah well.
In the last week, I have had my hysterectomy rescheduled (it was suppose to be today, but the doctor broke his foot and needed his own surgery) until November 19th. I have had a job offered to me (that I was not looking for) and had to turn it down thanks to brain injury therapy. I performed in a huge burlesque show with some of my favorite performers. It was so amazing to share a stage with them! And I got paid for it!!! Of course, none of us get paid enough to cover the sparkles on our costumes, but we love our art! There is no better feeling than getting paid for your art and expressing yourself! I also go to belly dance with my sisters over the weekend, and that went really well. But as busy as my weekend was, the brain hang over and recovery has been harsh. I'm still recovering and its almost the weekend again!
The anniversary of Nick's death is quickly approaching, and I can't help but feel like we should DO something, but I don't really know what. Everything inside of me keeps telling me to make a trip o Florida. But why? It's not like he is there. He isn' even buried there. His ashes are upstairs in Suzy's room. Going to the corner where he was killed.. it always feels like I am closer to him there, but that is silly. I want to go there and sit on the corner and cry. I wan to go there and light candles (or put out LED candles) on the corner that day. I want to hold vigil ..just in case Michaeleen Blair drives by that day and remembers what she did and how she changed our world. But what is more likely is that we will sit around a fire pit a home.. which is cool too. I don't know.
Last night I had a dream about taking a trip to Belize. Tracy wasn't with me, but Nate went with me. Just the 2 of us escaping to paradise. It was kind of a bizarre dream. I'm sure its not just unconscious telling me that I want to run away for a while. I have a HUGE desire to get away. Maybe its cause of the anniversary coming up. Maybe its because of the enormous amounts of doctors visits I have scheduled. Maybe its just because I have the travel bug. But I want to get away. I want to travel to New York and stay in a nice hotel, visit the museums, see a show. I want to run away to the beach and put my toes in the sand. I want to head to Vegas and catch some shows and sit by the pool. I want to laugh with friends.
Change is never easy for me. I don't like it very much. When it comes to relationships, change is even harder. I expect alot, when I should really expect nothing. I give everything, when I should really be choosy about how much I give and to whom. I love entirely too quickly and entirely too deeply and often on people who when it comes down to it, I probably shouldn't. But at the same time, I believe that loving people is never wrong, but I should be prepared to no be loved back or as much or in a way that I want to be loved. One day I may learn these lessons. One day I may learn to be choosy. One day I may learn that not everyone has the capability to love without restraint or they choose to love when its convenient for them and the moment its not convenient, I become expendable. The truth is, I deserve better than that. I know this. One day these people will call me and find out I'm not here. One day they will call me and find out that I will not make time for them because I am not that person anymore. One day they will want to see me and find out that I am not going to work my life around them to make them feel good. And that will be their loss, not mine. Nothing in this life is permanent. NOTHING. People come and go... they move in and out of your life. Maybe its time that I move out of some people's lives and make room in my life for people who really want to be there. I have lost enough in this past year, and I'm tired of losing more. So maybe instead of looking at it as losing, I will look at it as cleansing. I am cleansing my life of the hanger-ons.. the ones who attach themselves to me and take but no longer give. I am washing them off and starting clean. (In my head I hear a cackling and this message.. "Easier said than done!" That may be true but I am worth it.)
How often do we hang on to people because we think we love them or think they love us back (because they say they do)? How often do we look at those relationships and hear "i love yous" but see no real action behind it? How often do we hang to those relationships in hopes that we will one day feel like what they are saying is true...that one day they will actually SHOW It no just say it. How often do we hang on to those relationships out of loyalty or some kind of "should have". This is so co-dependent it's not even funny. We as individuals need to learn that that only person we really need to be loyal to is ourselves. We can not keep expending emotional energy on someone hoping that they will give that same kind of energy back. We can not keep expending that kind of emotional energy thinking that we are the only people on this planet that can save them and if we disappear, the other person's world will shatter. Cause, guess what?! IT WON'T. They might notice we are no longer here.. possibly....they might notice in the way that they notice an annoying fly has moved on to something else. Or thy might not notice at all. Because if we were really important to them, they would make time for us. They would call us or text us or make time to visit us. They would stop making excuses as to why they can't see us and just DO IT.. cause that is what people who love us do.
Relationships evolve and change. And we either become closer to people or we move apart. That's the truth of life. Yes, maybe we will cry about it, but in the long run, we know this as truth and we continue to move on, because being stuck in the muck is just not any fun and there are lots of people out there who are ready and willing to truly be there for us, but first we have to shake off the ones who are just hanging on so we can make room in our hearts for those who really truly want to be there.
Well okay....I guess I had alot on my mind. It's about time for another brain break.....
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
My Best Self and Being Authentic....
Last week in Weigh Watchers we talked about what being our "best self" looks like. I have been thinking about it all week, and I am about to head to my WW meeting for this week, and I decided I need to rush this blog out before I forget about it.
There was an assignment that was kind of like a Mad Lib where it has a paragraph where we had to fill in adjectives and actions and foods and stuff in the blanks....this was a "Best Self Portrait" in words. Here is what mine said....
My best self is HAPPY and CONFIDENT. My best self likes to DANCE and EXERCISE. When faced with a challenge, my best self thinks "IT'S JUST A BUMP" and KEEPS MOVING FORWARD. On a typical day, my best self chooses to eat FRUITS AND VEGGIES FOR SNACKS and DRINK 3 LITERS OF WATER. In a typical week, my best self gets in a few workouts, including MEETING MY FRIEND AT THE GYM and A COUPLE MILES ON THE TRAILS. My best self takes time out for relaxing, restoring breaks such as HAMMOCK TIME WITH MY HUBBY. Overall, my best self feels JOY-FILLED about life. If a new Weight Watchers member asked for my definition of success, my best self would say "LIFE'S A TRAMPOLINE FILLED WITH LOTS OF UPS AND DOWNS. WE CAN CHOOSE TO SMILE AND LAUGH OR BE SCARED SHITLESS. IT'S MY CHOICE. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER!"
Last week she asked us alot of question about what our future self would look like, how she would behave, how she would eat, how she would walk to me. They kind of went along with some other questions my friend Brandon had me thinking about just the week before. What does being healthy mean to me now? Why do I compare myself to others or even to my past self? What are my strengths. What do I have control over now and what can I let go of? What healthy things have I done in the last month?
So here's the thing. I know people go to Weight Watchers to lose weight. I go to keep myself accountable. I go because it is a healthy place for me to go and feel safe and stay connected to a healthy part of me. I may not always make the healthiest food choices, but there I do love to exercise. And there are behaviors that I practice that ARE healthy or promote self-health, and belly dancing and burlesque is part of that.
While contemplating these questions over the last 2 weeks, it has dawned on me, that I am the best me that I can be in this moment. The best me that I could be 2 years ago was a different person with a different life circumstance than the best me now. I am the best me that I can be in this NOW. I have certain things in my life that I can not control, and that is okay. I don't have to control everything in my life. But I can control how I let them affect me. I realized that I spent a great deal of time comparing myself to a woman that I absolutely adore. How come I can not have her body and look like her? Then I remembered, she had the oppportunity to have surgery to look the way she does. There is no way I will look like THAT unless I pay for a surgery. And that is okay. I am the best me I can be in this moment. And once I realized that, I was able to get up and perform and do burlesque with a smile on my face. I do no have to lose weight and get to a certain size to be happy, but by being happy with who I am now, may one day get me to to a certain size... or not.. but at least I will be happy along the journey.
Now off to my WW meeting.. I'm late!
There was an assignment that was kind of like a Mad Lib where it has a paragraph where we had to fill in adjectives and actions and foods and stuff in the blanks....this was a "Best Self Portrait" in words. Here is what mine said....
My best self is HAPPY and CONFIDENT. My best self likes to DANCE and EXERCISE. When faced with a challenge, my best self thinks "IT'S JUST A BUMP" and KEEPS MOVING FORWARD. On a typical day, my best self chooses to eat FRUITS AND VEGGIES FOR SNACKS and DRINK 3 LITERS OF WATER. In a typical week, my best self gets in a few workouts, including MEETING MY FRIEND AT THE GYM and A COUPLE MILES ON THE TRAILS. My best self takes time out for relaxing, restoring breaks such as HAMMOCK TIME WITH MY HUBBY. Overall, my best self feels JOY-FILLED about life. If a new Weight Watchers member asked for my definition of success, my best self would say "LIFE'S A TRAMPOLINE FILLED WITH LOTS OF UPS AND DOWNS. WE CAN CHOOSE TO SMILE AND LAUGH OR BE SCARED SHITLESS. IT'S MY CHOICE. I CHOOSE LAUGHTER!"
Last week she asked us alot of question about what our future self would look like, how she would behave, how she would eat, how she would walk to me. They kind of went along with some other questions my friend Brandon had me thinking about just the week before. What does being healthy mean to me now? Why do I compare myself to others or even to my past self? What are my strengths. What do I have control over now and what can I let go of? What healthy things have I done in the last month?
So here's the thing. I know people go to Weight Watchers to lose weight. I go to keep myself accountable. I go because it is a healthy place for me to go and feel safe and stay connected to a healthy part of me. I may not always make the healthiest food choices, but there I do love to exercise. And there are behaviors that I practice that ARE healthy or promote self-health, and belly dancing and burlesque is part of that.
While contemplating these questions over the last 2 weeks, it has dawned on me, that I am the best me that I can be in this moment. The best me that I could be 2 years ago was a different person with a different life circumstance than the best me now. I am the best me that I can be in this NOW. I have certain things in my life that I can not control, and that is okay. I don't have to control everything in my life. But I can control how I let them affect me. I realized that I spent a great deal of time comparing myself to a woman that I absolutely adore. How come I can not have her body and look like her? Then I remembered, she had the oppportunity to have surgery to look the way she does. There is no way I will look like THAT unless I pay for a surgery. And that is okay. I am the best me I can be in this moment. And once I realized that, I was able to get up and perform and do burlesque with a smile on my face. I do no have to lose weight and get to a certain size to be happy, but by being happy with who I am now, may one day get me to to a certain size... or not.. but at least I will be happy along the journey.
Now off to my WW meeting.. I'm late!
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