I had a kinda depressing dream just as I was waking up this morning. It had me sad feeling. I posted about it on Facebook first thing this morning. Basically, it was me realizing that I have left things kind of unattended and un-done while I have been grieving. They just weren't very important, but now its time for me to revisit them and get things in order. I have said something like a couple of blogs ago. It's time for me to get this house in order. When we bought this house, we had big plans and a month later Nick was killed. Everything we had planned for this house just kinda seems unimportant. But now, its imperative, that we get to things. Why? Because WE ARE LIVING!!! It's not fair to us or to the rest of our children to continue like the world has crumbled around us and nothing that is here in this physical world right now matters. That is so not true. It is time for us to get back to dreaming and back to living this life.
With that said....I am missing my son.
I have been looking through our family photos that we had taken last year when Nick and Suzy came to visit. I realized that we do not have a family photo of JUST Nick, Suzy, Nate, Omi, Me and Tracy. Well we do, but they are silly ones (which is what we are) but still. You can't see every one's faces in them. I have a great photo of Me, Tracy, Nick, Nate, and Omi.. but no Suzy. Why wasn't Suzy in that picture? I don't know. It made me very sad that she was not in the picture. And it makes me even sadder that I can't go back and retake those photos. I can't go back and get more pictures of Nick and Suzy together. I can't take more pictures of Nick. These were the last pictures I have of him. The last family photos before he died. I'm grateful to have them, and sad that some important shots were missed.
This morning I was doing something else while getting ready for my day and Nick was on my mind. I think it must have just been that dream. I don't know. But I just wanted to cry. When I came in after dropping Omi off to school Tracy asked me if I was okay He was still in bed trying to wake up. I said, "yes, why?" I guess he had had a bad dream about me having a bad dream and being upset. Yes, that is how connected Tracy is to my brain! There were lots of hugs this morning as I tried to hold back tears. I didn't have time to cry this morning. I had a dentist appointment I had to get to.
Speaking of dentists... I hate going. Especially when I have to get xrays. They literally have a note in my folder that says.. "Be extra gentle with her." Xrays make me cry. I didn't even think about my visit today other than getting my teeth cleaned. And I knew I was extra sensitive today. I was freaking crying in the waiting room as I read comments on my facebook wall. This is not the way to go into the dentist office. Then I found out I had to have Xrays. Really???? The poor hygienist, asked the wrong question that sent me into full blown tears and telling her that Nick was killed. (I need to tell the anyway..so that they didn't ask Omi some kind of question that will set her off when she goes in next month.) Anyway, they let me cry and talk about Nick and then made notes in Omi's chart not to mention it to her when she goes in. They were very gentle with me. And I made it through the Xrays without crying. *laugh* Bonus: having not seen them for 2 years.. I don't have any cavities! Yay!
All the way through the torture, I kept thinking about the good things I had planned for the day... shoe shopping, lunch with Tracy and dancing tonight! That helped. Then afterwards, I realized that the belly dance shoe shopping can't be done till after 3pm; those dance stores don't open till after school hours. Ugh! But I did go boot shopping and found a pair of Justin boots that fit me perfectly! I'm so excited! My feet and calves can be such a pain to fit when it comes to boots of any kind! I'm excited to wear them tonight.
I still have lots to do today. I have friends coming over tomorrow for a massage party... so I gotta sweep and get the place ready for that. My life is a never ending rush of things to do... but that is good.
As for my grief and missing my son. It's okay. I will always miss him and sometimes it will sting just a bit more than others. Today is just one of those days. I would give anything to have his long arms wrapped around me and giving me a hug today. Just one of those days.
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