Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lighter than I have in a very long time. I also knew it was time to move on and make some changes in the house. Time to redecorate......and recenter the focus in the house.
After the memorial bonfire we had here after Christmas, the fire place mantel became a kind of alter with Nick's pictures. There were other family photos up there, too, but it seriously looked like a memorial to Nick. Since my dance mirrors rest on the mantels, I was constantly looking at the pictures and it was a bit distracting. Now I just felt like it was time to move them and move on from grief.
Yesterday morning, I realized Suzy had the day off and she was home. So we made plans to have a Sushi date and catch up. It was a great time. We agreed on the new placement of the memorial pictures of Nick (on the stair way wall). We also did some shopping and made plans for their wedding anniversary that is coming up on Monday. It was fun to hang out with Suzy and enjoy the day together... or at least a couple of hours.
After the morning with Suzy, I came home and started redecorating/rehanging pictures. I went looking through boxes of old photos to find framed photos to hang up. I came across old photos and newspaper clippings of Nick. Instead of tears, they made me smile. I felt happy and joyous With the walls in the stair way getting decorated, the house started feeling warm and lived in. (Just don't look above my mantel now. It looks bare until I can get the matted picture ordered and hung up.
Tracy surprised with me a belated birthday gift.. a Fitbit. But it was the wrong size. We called all over town and found out that the only place that had it was REI and it wouldn't be available until today. But the gesture made me cry. I have wanted one for a while now.
After dinner, Omi and I set to work on making our tutus for the Tutu run on Saturday. We giggled and laughed while we made them. Suzy and Matt came in for a quick visit and it was good to see them together and see Suzy smile. I do like Matt. More importantly, I like the way I see Suzy growing and experiencing new things with him. I may miss "Nick and Suzy" a whole bunch, but I can not and will not deny the growth in Suzy with Matt.
Once everyone was gone or in bed, Tracy and I went out and laid in the hammock. We went out there and it was just cloudy. But it didn't take long for it to start thundering and lightning and raining. We just laid snuggled in the sleeping bags and enjoyed the weather. It was amazing and relaxing. My heart went to bed happy and full and relaxed for the first time in a very very long time.
Something has definitely switched in my head and heart.... over night. It's time for me to move on. I know there will be times of sadness and melancholy, but I can feel it. It is time to move on and allow myself to be happy and live my life.
Today was a very busy day. I had to be at REI early to get in line before they opened to make sure I could get the FitBit.. Which I did. Yay!!! So excited. Then there was more shopping getting ready for tomorrow's Tutu run. Omi had voice lessons and silks class. And we had race packet pick up. so ya.. it was a crazy busy day. But it felt great. I feel like my life is back.
I think the biggest indication that things are swinging back around is my desire to dream and plan for the future and make this house a home. We moved into the new place in October. A month later, Nick was killed. But for that month in the new place, we were busy making plans for the back yard. We were busy making plans to make this house a home. Then Nick died and all of our physical, emotional and financial energy and resources were all diverted in that direction. But now that we have completed the business of Nick's death, and we have mourned his death and celebrated his accomplishments, it is time to focus on the house again. Its time to fill this house with happy memories and celebrations of life. Yes, we have had some laughs and parties here, but it's time to continue with our dreaming and our planning. It's time to get the tiki bar planned and built. It's time to make the back yard a place to be all the time. It's time to hang up pictures and finish "moving in" and turning this house into a home.
I am excited for the future. I am excited and grateful for the present. I love my children. I love my hubby. I am so grateful to my friends who have been here for me and listened to me and read my blogs and gave me hugs. I am sure I will need more as time goes on... but right now, I feel lighter and happier than I have in months.. maybe even since before Nick's death.
Yay!!!
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