It can still kinda suck and hurt.
Change is just not any fun. Well okay, I guess there are some changes that can be fun. Then there are some that a great for other people and make them happy but might leave you feeling a little blue. Then there is the kind of earth shattering change that just rips you to shreds. Life is filled with all of these kinds of changes, and everything in between.
I am going to admit to being very selfish here. Please remember these are my feelings that I am talking about. This is solely about me and not a reflection on other people's choices or lives. This is me being very vulnerable and real about how I feel. And I realize, that there are blog posts that I write and post that end up inadvertently hurting people. This is not about whoever is reading this. This is about me..the person writing this.
I have been thinking about Nick's death and my job as a mom. It has always been my job as a mom to protect my children and keep them safe. And I know it is not rational thinking, but there is a part of me that feels responsible for the pain my family is feeling. No. I could not have controlled the situation. I was not behind the wheel of the car that hit my son. I was not the one riding the motorcycle. For that matter, I was not even in the same time zone as the accident. So, yes, there is NO WAY that I could be responsible for the pain/grief my family is going through. But I feel like I have failed. I feel like I did not protect my son from his death. I feel like after his death, I have not protected my other children from the pain of the grief. As a matter of fact, the moment I got the phone call, after the initial, "What?!" I tried to send Omi to another room so that I could deal with this without her hearing the conversation. But I didn't get to. Tracy was already up on his feet frantically asking me what is wrong. Omi was scared already. I had failed at protecting her. On the other end of the phone was Suzy crying; I had failed at protecting her. My husband was crying. I had failed at protecting him. Then Nate.... I had failed all of them. And in the 6 months since, I have continually tried to protect my family. I have tried over and over and over again to help smooth things over, to help them feel better. But the fact is, there is nothing that can make any one feel better about the loss of Nick.
Maybe it is the control freak in me that is foolish enough to think I have any say so in this matter. How crazy must I be to think that I have any say so in the time, place, or manner in which my child is taken from this earth? How crazy must I be to think that I can protect my children from every harm in this world. I am only one human being, and part of this human experience is to go through all of this....happy and sad...good and bad... all of it. We don't live in a bubble where nothing can affect us. We live out here in the wild...and life (and/or death) happens.
Change happens....
In the last 6 months, I have been dealing and trying to heal my grief. I have been dealing with my family's grief. We have, at times, been completely consumed by this grief and sadness. And at other times, we have managed to find something to laugh about and celebrate. And in these six months I have been holding tight to the memory of my son. I am afraid of forgetting him. Worse, I am afraid that this world will keep spinning and other people will forget about him. Even worse, I am afraid that day will turn to night and night will turn to day and as this continues to happen my son's wife will move on and we will lose her too, and she will go about life and forget him too. (Yes, I realize I am crazy to think that Suzy will ever forget Nick. I know that realistically, that will never happen. But the grieving mom in me is afraid of that.) I have talked about that before. I have heard everyones' reassurances... But still.. my heart can be burdened by such thoughts. And with all of this on my mind, there is a really selfish side of me that says, "My son died 6 months ago. And from the moment he died, all happy things are put on hold until the mourning period is over." (I have no idea how long the mourning period is supposed to be, but a year sounds reasonable.) In that year's time frame, my selfish side says: No on can get pregnant. No one can get married. No one can get engaged. No one can be happy and move on with their lives. Period. (When I say no one.. I mean my immediate family as well as extended family.) Yes, I realize this is completely selfish and unrealistic. But I feel like seeing these happy positive things happen in their lives is a reflection of them forgetting that Nick died and that my family is still in mourning. That there are dreams unfulfilled in this family, and when others move on I feel like they are forgetting the gaping hole in my heart and in my life.
Like I said, I am being selfish.
Having people stop their lives isn't going to bring Nick back. And really, is a year enough mourning time? Is 6 months from now going to be any better than today? I don't know.
What I do know is.. I don't like change. I have never been all that great with change. I am a control freak. Yes, I know control is just an illusion. I realize I have no control or responsibility over what happened with Nick. And I continue to have little to no control or responsibility over what happens with my surviving children..especially my adult children. All I can do is be the bystander and watch their lives unfold. I can chime in when they ask. I can guide when asked or when I see the need to say something. But really, I am just a bystander standing here with a heart filled with love hoping for the best possible outcome in their lives... even when the change that happens hurts.
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