This last week has been crazy (on all fronts).
It's been a week since I have posted, and I would like to not make this a long blog post. *laugh* Let's see if that is possible!
I guess I will just stick to my thoughts on the "Big Weekend". I am trying my best to type this. I wish you could see me. Sitting at my computer, fingers hovering over the keys and my face and mind blank. I have no idea what to type. I don't know how to put things into words
The trip to Florida was bittersweet. (That word seems to get over used in my life these days.) Thursday we all hopped on the plane and we were happy and excited and laughing. We were going to see our friends, have some laughs, visit theme parks, hang at the beach, and graduate Nick. It was a whole weekend planned like crazy!
From our very first plane ride, it was pretty clear that Nick was with us on this trip. Instead of having the flight attendants do the safety speech, they had a video for us to watch. It had some humor to it, and at the very end it had someone holding a physics book by someone (the name escapes me) that Nick loves. I laughed, cause I know this was Nick saying "hi". Then when we arrived in Salt Lake City, Tracy's facebook said that our friend Evan was near by. I messaged him, and sure enough, he was there in the airport. We had just enough time to get in some hugs and a very short birthday visit! I was so excited for this surprise. Again, Nick was working his magic. (For the record, the remainder of our flights for this trip did NOT have the same video as we had from Boise to SLC..just so you all know. *laugh*)
We arrived in Melbourne, Florida, just in time for my birthday dinner at Smokey Bones. Chelsea and Akeem joined us and we all had a nice time visiting. After dinner, we headed to the hotel on the beach. It was a beautiful place to spend a couple of nights. It was also a very busy hotel with lots of graduating families staying there. That was a bit bitter sweet. Lots of people celebrating. There was also a tiki bar there.. we spent alot of time at the tiki bar :).
Friday morning, Suzy and I got up to watch the sunrise. It was a beautiful way to start the Graduation day. I hadn't gotten much sleep cause the air was not working in our hotel room. Blech! Then it was time to get ready for the big day. We got dressed and headed to Florida Tech. I'm glad we got there in plenty of time, cause boy was it crowded! Our VIP seats were right up front on the floor. All around us were families and friends excited to watch their graduate receive their diploma. We were escorted to our seats where Suzy had her own chair next to the new head of the Military Education Department. He was a very nice guy and once he found out why we were there, he was super attentive to our needs... offering to get us water, take our pictures.. whatever. Right next to him was the wife of the President of the university. Right behind us was another family who had lost their son to cancer in January; their son was graduating too. The graduation started and the graduates walked in. Everyone around us was cheering and celebrating, and it hit me hard. I should have been in the bleachers cheering on Nick. Instead, I was in the VIP section bawling my eyes out. Yes, it is an honor for Nick to be graduated, but I would give anything to be in the bleachers cheering on my son and seeing his smile from ear to ear. When Suzy walked across the stage to receive the diploma, I was the loudest craziest mom standing up and cheering like none other! I am so proud of what Nick accomplished. But when Suzy sat down beside me, the water works started again... for both of us. Naomi was a crying mess. Tracy was a crying mess. Nate looked like he wanted to cry. The family behind us had already received their son's diploma and we were all a crying mess. After the graduation, we swam through the crowd of happy graduates and their families. We met "Mike from Texas"'s parents in the crowd. He worked with Nick in the lab and his family allowed us to stay in their beach front condo when Nick died. Then we headed to the Physical Science building where we met Nick's advisor. We unveiled Nick's memorial plaque, took some pictures, visited the astronomy telescope and the rooftop where they launch the weather balloons and Nick used the cameras to capture the sprites. The white boards on the wall still had messages from Nick's memorial. I am still speechless at how Nick's life affected so many people.
After the events at the university, we went to visit the memorial site and took some more pictures. Then we went to lunch at Nick's favorite sandwich shop.
Friday was a hard day. It was filled with lots of emotions. Everyone had their own emotions. Nate and Omi felt like everyone just kept looking them over. I could see it on their faces. Everyone keeps saying "I'm so sorry for your loss" to the wife and the parents, but not to the siblings. Poor Omi and Nate will never get their brother back and sometimes people forget they are hurting or they exist. Dealing with everyone's emotions in such a small space (2 hotel rooms) is very difficult. Everyone is grieving in their own way and sometimes those ways clash and by Friday night, adding in some alcohol, things got intense. *sigh* By late Friday night, I had a crying daughter, and angry son, and worried/drunk daughter in love and bonus daughter. Drama unfolded. And it was 2:30 AM before Omi was okay enough to go to bed in her own bed and I could get some sleep.
Saturday we spent Saturday afternoon exploring the Kennedy Space Center. Suzy didn't hang with us that day. But it was tons of fun to watch the excitement in their eyes. We rushed from exhibit to exhibit trying to cram as much as we could in as little time as we had. It was so much fun! The kids laughed and played and for a bit, it was just us and happy stuff. Then every once in a while, I would feel a punch in the gut when I would see Nick as a little one running around the center or Nick and Nate watching shuttle launches. My heart would break a little bit. I sought solace in the happiness of Nate and Omi.
The only time I experienced any DID symptoms was Saturday night. After the Space Center, Tracy, Omi, Nate, Mike and I went our favorite pizza joint on the beach. A group of 3 men and 1 woman sat at the table next to us on the patio. They were loud and obnoxious. One of the guys needed to use the bathroom which was outside in the back of the building (within my eye site). The bathroom was locked. He couldn't wait and decided to urinate in public behind the building within my eyesight. Then he took his buddy over there who did the same thing, only this time peed in the corner actually ON the building. OMG. THEN they got in a fight with the coworkers..right next to our table. Lots of posturing. Lots of loud cussing and verbal violence. I was literally afraid for our lives. We were backed into our table. There was no real escape. And they were so close to us that I do not think that if a fight happened that the men at our table would have not gotten involved in some way. The fight kind of stopped. But then the boys from outside went inside to continue fighting and that is when it happened. I started to check out. I felt myself sinking. There is always repetitive motion that accompanies an episode. Then I stare off into space or close my eyes and sink. I could feel myself crying inside. I felt tears running own my cheeks. I was scared. It took a little bit, but I was able to talk myself down and come back to reality. We finished eating, and then Tracy dropped me off at the bar where I was meeting with Suzy and her friends. I was to be "Double D" so Suzy could drink. I visited with all the friends and had a good time. But I was exhausted. It had been an emotional 48 hours. We finally got back to the hotel at 1:30.. the alarm was going off at 6:30.
Sunday morning, mom's day. We were up at 6:30 to head to Disney World. We watched as the sun came up and we headed out. Sunday morning was not only Mom's Day but it was also the 6 month anniversary of Nick's death. When we started with a yummy breakfast at Waffle House. Nick loved that place! It was always a must visit when we came to Florida for family vacations. Then it was off to the happiest place on earth! It started out great and with lots of smiles, but it didn't take long for Suzy to break into tears while we waited in line for our first ride. I watched as people passed her and looked at her like.. "What is wrong with her?" I wanted to shout at them. I wanted to protect her from all of this. I wanted to protect all of us from this. By the end of the first ride, we were laughing and having fun. Eventually, we were all laughing and having a good time. But then there were gut punches where I can remember very vividly Nick at age 3 at Disney World. Then close to the end of the night, Tracy and I rode the Small World ride alone, and all I could think about was Nick looking with big wide baby eyes and pointing and laughing and smiling at the magic of it all. All of a sudden, my happiest ride turned very sad. I just wanted to cry. We rode some new rides on Sunday. We played and we laughed. I rarely play like a child. Playing is not something I do naturally. But I did play for a little bit and felt so light and filled with laughter. There were moments of sheer pleasure and joy. There were moments of pride when Omi kept her hands raised on all of the roller coaster in honor of Nick. And at the very end of the night, when everyone was tired, there was a bit of drama. Again... everyone deals with things differently. We did our best to push it aside and enjoy the last moments of the day with one last roller coaster ride and laugh it up, and that is what we did.
One thing is for certain, we put as much as we could into a weekend. Emotions were high. From very happy to very sad to everything in between. I know Nick was there with us last weekend and I'm glad we got to go and celebrate his accomplishments and have some fun with the family.
Am I ready to let Nick go? I don't know. I am ready to move on. Just not real sure how to do that. Today I had some moments of melancholy and sadness. Then Nick showed me a rubber ducky key chain and told me to not take life so seriously. I bought it. It quacks and makes me laugh.
I want to go back on vacation with Tracy. Some quiet place on a beach with a tiki bar. I want to just relax and be still and just BE. I love my husband so much. And I am very grateful for his strength and love.
I am very grateful for Nate. All last weekend, he would come up to me and hold me and hug me. His love and compassion amazes me. He does his level best to "live up" to Nick's legend. But he doesn't need to. I just want Nate to be the best Nate he can be. I love him for him...
Omi is so very strong. I know she doesn't think she is..but she is. Last weekend she was tough on her, but she came out on top. She smiled and laughed. She walked the balance beam between little kid and adulthood (we call it being a teenager) very well. It was so fun to see her be a kid.
I am grateful to have Suzy in my life. I'm grateful that Nick brought her into our family. She does so much around the house and that helps keep me sane. Mostly I am grateful for the love she gave my son. I am grateful for the way she watched after my mom when she lived in Florida. I am grateful for the love that she brings to this family.
I am grateful for our friend Michael who is family to us. I'm glad he made it to Florida. He was a big part of Nick's life and Nick loved him very much. He needed to be there and I'm so glad he was.
I have an amazing family. I am very blessed. Here is to continued healing.....
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