It has been a whirlwind around here. The POD arrived on the 23rd. We moved things from the POD into either the garage (if it was Suzy's) or the Uhaul we rented for Mom's stuff. Then we drove mom's stuff to her apartment and got her settled in. Only to find out that I lost her remote for her Bose stereo AND her computer monitor (that she was going to use for her TV) shattered in the move. *sigh* (Did I say I had anger management issues lately?) Tracy bought a remote for her music so she at least had that going for her. And after her Internet was connected, we took over our bedroom TV to her.
We made it through Christmas. Actually, Christmas day went by rather well.
My brother Michael arrived for Christmas dinner. But the day after hit us like a ton of bricks. I could not wait to cleanse the house of all things Christmas related. We spent the next day and a half with my brother and my mom.
My brother left on the 27th; then it was time to set up for Nick's bonfire memorial that was to be held on the 28th. On the 27th, Suzy and I went to visit my friend, Mishi, for a little girl time. We went to Shangri-La Tea House, shopped for the memorial, and then went to Mishi's for wine and hot tubbing. As soon as we got to Mishi's, I got a phone call that my son, Nate, had had a single car accident on icy roads (trying to avoid another car). I swear the universe has it out for me. (Just earlier in the week, we had found out that our truck's engine was blown......now we are out of cars.) Thankfully, Nate and his friend Izzy were unharmed in the accident. The good news: I found an awesome fire pit!
Anyway......
The Memorial came. We had about 30 people in my new house. They were tromping through the snow and the mud and back through my house. My house has now been dedicated by the 4 directions: Earth (mud), Fire (the fire pit), Water (the snow), Wind (laughter and sharing of memories). Nick would totally approve. The memorial was beautiful. I opened with some scattered welcoming remarks thanking everyone for being there and kind of going over what happened at the services in Florida. Then I asked everyone to go around the "circle" stating their names and how they knew Nick. (Not everyone knew each other.) Not everyone could share, but those that could made us laugh, cry, and remember Nick in amazing ways: his barefooted, colorful hippiness, his music influences, his steadfastness. Then we proceeded to burn his homework papers. The idea behind burning his homework papers was to give everyone a chance to touch the same papers Nick touched, to read his notes and feel his presence and find closure as it burned. I had no idea just how amazing this experience would be. His friends actually READ the papers they were throwing into the fire. They were finding fun drawings, funny little notes Nick had written in the margins and laughed at quips Nick wrote on his exams as he turned them in. Some of these gems included:
mind = blown
Fuck a duck
Pulling a cow out of/into a ravine from a cliff
Along with some of the kids he went to high school with, some of his "bonus moms"attended. They pretty much started crying as soon as they came in. I'm grateful for their love of my son back then and now. One of Nick's friends from Idaho State came to the memorial and he was all kinds of sad, but the things he said about Nick were so profound. I don't know why, but I am always stunned when I hear just how deeply Nick affected people. The young man from BSU (David) told me that Nick was always so sure of what he wanted and where he was going. He used to try to talk Nick out of settling down with Suzy but Nick kept telling him that "Suzy was the one". Indeed. David kept telling me that Nick taught him things that his own parents could never teach him, like "follow your dreams and never let anyone or anything get in the way." David knew Nick, when Nick was 18 years old. It's crazy the affect my 19 year old son had on this man who was 4 years older than him.
While we were burning papers, Cody found just 2 pages of an essay that Nick wrote stating why he wanted to be a physicist. We saved the 2 pages; I wish I could type it all out and make sense of it all. Mostly I wish I could express how I interpret what he wrote. It has had a very profound affect on the way I think about his life transition. It really just confirms to me that Nick learned what he needed to and graduated this life. But I will type out a couple of passages for you....
"Physics for me is mostly a spiritual thing. I am a deep thinker and love meditation. I hold a personal affinity for Eastern religions, especially Buddhism and Hinduism which both teach a mastering of the mind. Just like Buddha meditated on the concept of suffering, I meditate on the nature of reality. What is reality? Does anyone really know? You may think you know but I can almost guarantee you, you have no idea. No one really has an idea, and the best way we can understand it is by trying to pick it apart and trying to separate reality from illusion. Physics does this and often shows us that the universe and the fabric of reality is more mind boggling and counter intuitive than anyone could have imagined. This is how I like to spend my down time when it is quit. I meditate and ponder things like the nature of reality, time, and existence. What does it mean to be truly alive? If you happen to figure that out let me know...But more than just pondering the nature of reality there is also the possibility, however slight, of unlocking the next secret of the universe. ....."
""The last major reason for choosing this field is a selfless one. It is my dedication to the human race. By doing physics I will be furthering the human race, hopefully for the better......If there is anything to learn from sciences past its that we need to be careful what we do with this knowledge. Knowledge is power and power needs to be wilded with responsibility. Asa physicist I would try to usher in a new era of human understanding and a new generation of scientists. I want to make the strange strange world we live in accessible to the masses and hopefully understood by them to, so hopefully we can move forward as one race of people. Once we realize how small we are compared to the universe at large hopefully we will also realize that our problems we quibble over are of no consequence and we can finally be united as one people, one race to work together to further our understanding of the strange universe we live in."
As for the grief process, I find it all very difficult. I am constantly thinking that maybe I am not crying like everyone thinks I should be crying. I am constantly thinking that maybe I am not as upset as people think I should be. *shrug* I don't know. I know I am sad. I cry when I feel like crying. Mostly, these days I get angry. I think most of my grief process is being done while I sleep. Every time I sleep, I dream of Nick or I have nightmares about stuff centered around this. I worry for my family members. My daughter isn't sleeping and wakes up in panic attacks. Everyone struggles on their own levels and does the best they possibly can.
The other thing I find weird is the feeling of allowing people space to grieve. I have had several people insert their thoughts and their own grief into my space. I keep telling myself that people need to grieve in their own way, even if their way interferes with mine. It's a hard balance and I am not sure what to do or how to do anything about it. I know I need to create boundaries, and I have (but a couple of these people do not know how to observe boundaries). It's just weird. I will say this. Just because I post this stuff publicly in a blog our talk about it publicly on Facebook, that does not give people the permission to insert their unwanted thoughts and offers into my life. If you are not wanted as my friend in good times, then what makes you think you wanted in bad times?
Anyway... there you have it. My thoughts. Off to eat cake and ice cream and watch TV with my hubby.
***** Writers Note ****** my keyboard is broken. The "E" doesn't work, and neither does my space bar...so ya... gt over it :)
No comments:
Post a Comment