Adjusting To Being Home

It's quite the adjustment.

"Hi, my name is Martha, and I have an anger management issue."

You would think that me being home would make me the happiest woman in the world.  I am thrilled to be home, but I have had a serious issue with anger just simmering beneath the surface.

My family did their best to keep the house clean and organized, but all I saw when I got home was chaos and a kitchen that needed to be cleaned and organized.  My big ol' Shane dog has picked up some bad habbits thanks to my mom.  My mom's dog, that I have just spent a month training, has decided he is going to be a pain in the ass and test his limits cause he is with my mom.

Checking out my mom's new apartment was an experience.  She is very excited about it.  I am happy that she is.  But in my crankiness all I see is how much needs to be done and the fear that comes along with her living in an apartment 20 minutes away from us.  A kitchen that is too small with no dishwasher.  Her talking about decorating the place (which I get being excited about) and all I can think about is the stuff she wants to buy.. and the stuff I just got rid of for her.    Then there is the issue of her driving.......  She has not finished studying for her drivers test.  She moves into her place on the 23rd...and she will be driving.  This literally scares me.  She doesn't understand the laws she is reading about.  And just in the grocery store today she kept hitting me from behind with the cart.

I cam home and threw everything away in the kitchen (in preparation for grocery shopping) and I guess I threw away good food.  Tracy got cranky with me.  I got cranky back.

My mom is on a marathon of Christmas movies and I have been banning Christmas music.  When I told her no more Christmas movies cause they make us sad; she said, "Well they make me happy."  Then she got mad at me.  Nate told me I should not push my "Grinchiness" on other people.  *sigh*  I apologized to my mom and explained my problem.  She told me, "Life goes on.  You can't stop living."  Really?  I told her that when her child dies, she can come back and talk to me.

I get so mad.  I feel like everyone thinks I should just go on with life like nothing ever happened.  But my life has been turnd upside down.

I hung up the christmas stocking yesterday and cried because I couldn't *not* put up Nick's.  I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I don't know how to do this....

I am angry that I have to do this.

I am worried that my anger will ruin everyone's christmas/birthdays.

I am so close to just losing it with everyone.

I just want my life to be back to normal..whatever that is.

Fair warning......I am a volcano ready to blow without much notice.