Okay, so that is the best way I can describe that phone call. It probably went a bit differently than that.. but that is how I remember that part of the call. The call was long and I kept telling my mom to take are of Suzy until I could get there. I talked with the Florida Highway Patrol who had just given Suzy the news. I talked to my mom again. I saw my family crumple up in a bunch of sobs and hugs on the flat flight of our stair well. Everyone around me was sobbing... and I was on the phone making phone calls.
No one wants to hear this kind of news. No one wants to hear that their son was just killed. It was a flurry of activity that night and no one slept. All we knew is we HAD to be in Florida the next day. We had no idea how much it would cost, but we are gonna get there.. all of us. No one was staying behind. It ended up costing several thousand dollars to get here..but that is nothing compared to what we had just lost.
Thankfully, I had Nate's birth certificate and his social security card and his arrest record page.. with those things he was able to get homeland security check points at the airport without his drivers license (which he had JUST lost 2 days before).
In the last month, we have been surrounded by miracles and amazing people and lots of love. Nick and Suzy's friends are amazing. While the Spiva and Saathoff family flocked to Florida (when no one had ANY plans for memorial..just knew we all needed to be together), Nick and Suzy's friends were bringing food and making plans for a memorial so I didn't have to worry about those things. We were able to focus on Suzy and on Nick. We started the fundraising site and was able to raise over $9,000 on that site..huge thank yous to everyone who has donated. This money is helping to get Suzy (and my mom) relocated to Idaho.. and helped take care of memorial stuff for Nick. I asked my friend Angie to get the information for POD to move our stuff from Florida to Idaho. I asked my friend Michelle in Idaho to help get info for housing for my mom there in Idaho. And my friend Pamela organized dinner deliver to my my family (when they got back home) for 2 weeks. A whole army of amazing people came out to support my family both in Florida and in Idaho.
When I first heard the news, I didn't think I knew how to "bury" my son. I didn't think I knew how to do this. But I guess I did. Thankfully, Nicks co-workers at the Geospace Physics Lab put together an amazing Memorial Weather Balloon Launch for him; which was perfect. The only thing I had to take worry about, was the funeral home stuff. Tracy and I held Suzy's hand through this process and the three of us got it worked out and planned....we even had a small army helping with the design of the Urn Nick is in. ON his viewing day, we wrote and drew pictures all over his cardboard casket. We sang Tenacious D's "Dude" at the top of our lungs and we put poems and trinkets in with his body. But when it came down to it, Nick received the king's burial he had wanted.....wooden green coins on his eyes in a cardboard box and we escorted him to the crematory where we mimed shooting arrows of fire at his "ship" as he was being pushed out to sea to burn like the king of the vikings. It was beautiful and perfect... and just what he had wanted. Nick had a glorious send off in Florida.. but there is still more to come in Idaho.
My family, including my mom, flew back to Idaho. All the Spivas and the Saathoffs left Suzy and I here to deal with the house and pack things up. My brother Mark came back for a weekend to pick up furniture that was to go back to Dallas to my brothers. And Suzy and I have been cleaning and packing like crazy. My parents lived in this house since 1987 and didn't throw anything away. Every time I come here for some kind of tragic illness or accident, I have had the honor of cleaning this house out. This time, is the last time though. This process has been one filled with anger/sadness/intrigue/magic/laughter and a whole slew of other emotions. It's like a genuine roller coaster over here.
There is so much to say about what has happened in the last month, but I have already blogged about much of it.
Today, however, marks the 1 month anniversary. Today, Suzy and some of her's and Nick's friends and I went to the intersection where he was killed while the Brevard County sign guy came out to put the permanent memorial sign up for us. We also put in our own motorcycle awareness sign for Nick. ON top of that, we also had Christopher Heath from an Orlando TV station come out and interview us about Nick's missing wedding ring and the poor quality of care we are receiving from Holmes Region Medical Center. At first Suzy said she did not want to speak on camera. But today, she ended up doing just that. I am so proud of how strong and amazing Suzy is. Today, at the corner, we cried and wept and hugged and laughed and we told Nick's story to this reporter. Not just about his ring, but (off camera) just how amazing Nick was and about the article that is coming out that Nick wrote and about his graduate plans and how much he loved to do things that got his adrenaline pumping. It was another "memorial" of sorts for Nick.. and for us.
When we came home, we realized that our "bagster" (temporary dumpster) was picked up (as it was scheduled to be....but they had given us a 3 day time frame). We are one step closer to being out of Florida. Tomorrow, the POD gets picked up and so does Suzy's Jeep. They will begin their journey to Idaho before we do. We will be left with very little left in this house.. and sleeping on air mattresses.
Tonight we have a farewell party here at the house.... so I guess I should probably get to it. People will start arriving in 3 hours.
I really don't know how to describe what has happened and how my life has changed in just a months time frame. I don't know how to describe the punches to the gut I receive almost daily. I don't know how to describe the anger that I feel towards certain people. I do not know how to describe WHY I have attached anger towards some people and I pray that one day that anger will be resolved. I really don't know how I have gotten this far into this process... What I can tell you is that I will be very glad to leave Florida. I will be very glad to be reunited with my family in Idaho. And I miss my son Nicky more than anything. He is forever a part of my life.... and he helped mold and shape me into the incredible mom people keep telling me that I am. He taught me so much about myself.. and even in his death he continues to teach me.
One breath at a time.......
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