Many of you may not know, but Nick spent 12 out of his 25 years living here in this house in Florida. His first 6 years were spent here while Tracy went to college at Brevard Community College and then to Florida Tech. Then when he and Suzy got married 6 years ago, they moved here to keep an eye on my mom. So for 12 years of his life, he lived in this house. And since we moved around a bit, that also means, this is the house he spent the longest time in.
All I have wanted to do for the last month is go back home to my family so that we can all be together. And yes, that is still what I want. But I think being here for the last month, hanging out with his friends, laughing with his friends, hearing the stories from his friends.. all of this has made me live in a bit of denial. As long as I was here walking in his stomping grounds, hanging with his friends, sleeping in the house he spent almost 1/2 of his life in, I can still believe that maybe he will come walking through that door. I can feel him with me.
Closing up this house is not just about moving my mom, but its about really saying goodbye to so many memories of my son. And I can't even imagine what this is like for Suzy who spent her entire married life here. My heart breaks for her when I think about that. My heart breaks for so many things.
I have had the enormous pleasure and honor of getting to meet so many of Nick and Suzy's friends. I have been able to hang out with them and get to know them and hear stories. And they have all accepted me as part of the group from the beginning. I have to say that Nick and Suzy surrounded themselves with a very high caliber of people. They had a diverse group of friends... from Ultimate Frisbee to Secular Student Alliance to Geospace Physics Lab to both of their jobs, the friends they have made are fabulous! The impact that Nick made on the lives of the people he touched is astounding. I know I have said that before, and I do not know why I am so shocked by it all, but I am. I guess because he was 25 years old. The life experience he packed into those 25 years is crazy. I know that if I had died at 25 years old, I would not have had the kind of crazy love and support that Nick and Suzy have had.
Today while at his memorial with Pranav, Pranav described going to the memorial as a "pilgrimage" that he would be taking several times over the next 3 semesters (what he has left at FIT). This struck me. The couple of times I have been to the signs, I have had a very hard time leaving. Why? It's not like HE is there. The fact of the matter, his "body" such as it is, is at the house. So why am I so drawn to this corner where he died? Nick has shown himself to me in other places of this city. He has held me while I cried on the beach. He is where ever I am and I need him to be. He has been in idaho. He has been in this house. And yes, he has been at that corner. And every time we go to that corner, he always sends Chelsea or Akeem to the corner to be with us. They don't know we are there, yet they come driving by and "find" us there. Tonight's Chelsea's GPS "screwed" up and sent her a direction down Eber she NEVER takes, and she ended up seeing us on the corner and stopped to be with us. This was Nick's doing. We all know this. But why do we feel drawn to THAT spot? Pranav said it is a space of significance. This is true. It is. It is a place where all of our lives got flipped upside down and inside out. And we are all still trying to figure out what to do and how to do things from here in our new normal in a world without Nick. Pranav tried his best not to cry; though I do not think he succeeded. Suzy cried (which she needed to do). I did not. But leaving the signs, I placed a kiss on his name and walked away and I felt my heart tug and tears well up in my eyes.
Tonight while getting ready to leave Nick and Suzy's favorite sandwich shop, a song came on that sent me through memories of going to Diamond Back Baseball Games with the kids. And it was like a gut punch all over again. Yes, I realize the D-backs were in AZ, but we had so much fun with the kids at the games. *sigh*
So tonight I am alone in this house.. the house where Nick spent 12 years. I am alone with the memories of him crawling around and eating a dead cock roach.... GROSS! I have memories of my youth group coming over here for a pool party and the way those teenagers adored Nick and played with him. I have memories of his room. I have memories of him sharing a room with us.. his crib up against a wall and our bed in the same room. I have memories of his first day of Kindergarten. I have memories of his playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Nate when Nate was a newborn and throwing Nate across the room. I have memories of Nick having his first food in the wooden high chair in this dining room where I am typing this. I have memories of Nate here too. I have memories of Nate in his Johnny Jumper that hung in the pocket doorway. Memories of Nate raiding the Christmas Cookie tins. I have memories of Christmases spent in this living room. Memories of canoeing through the swamps with the kids. Memories of running through the sanctuaries. Memories of Christmas parties where I almost burned this house down with candles. I have memories of Nick's first birthday party in the park just out back. Sooo many memories are in this house... and I'm here alone with them tonight. Nick's urn is hanging out with me in my bedroom tonight since Suzy is working an over nighter. Just me, Nick and my memories.
All of this is a bit too much. For the first 6 years of Nick's life, he lived in this house with his parents and his grandma. For the last 6 years of his life, he lived in this house with his wife and his grandma. And for the month after his death, it has been me and his wife...the beginning and end of his life... together, alone going through memories, packing up his life and holding each other.
Packing up this house and leaving Florida makes this all so very real. The fight with the hospital is done and there is no more distracting me from reality. This is it. My first born son has left this physical world. There is no more living in denial... no more distractions.. just reality as painful as it is.
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