But how?
Grief is an interesting creature. In the last several years, I have lost several friends and family in various ways. Most commonly, they have gone by illness. Death is tragic no matter how it happens, though (in my personal opinion and experience) illness allows you at least some time to prepare for loss (even though you can never really be prepared to say goodbye). I have lost loved ones to drunk drivers, car vs. motorcycle and car vs. bike, and to suicides. In these situations, there is no "preparedness", just instant loss. And the anger part of the grief is usually going in completely different directions. If it's an accident, the anger is directed toward the other driver's way. If its a suicide, the anger can be directed at the person who took their own lives. In all of these cases, anger can be directed at random people who just want to help you deal with your grief.
All you want to do is help, and the person grieving is overwhelmed and you never know what mood they are in.
Okay, this blog may be all over the place and may not make sense. I'm trying here.
Here is what I have experienced and what has prompted this blog and thought process.
Nick was killed in a horrific car vs. motorcycle accident, where the driver behind the wheel of the car was at fault. Nick was 25, about to graduate from college, was a shining star in his field of study, was about to start a family with his beautiful wife, and he had the world ahead of him. And in an instant, he was ripped from our arms in a horrific way. Anger is to be expected. Anger from his parents, his wife, his siblings, and the extended family and even people who have never met him but have heard the story.
As soon as people hear the tragic story, most people instantly want to help. They want to jump in head first and do whatever they can to help the grieving family. Why? Well, I believe part of it is because they truly do want to help. Also, by helping, it allows them to feel better about their life. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think its true. (survivor's guilt, its a real thing and people want to help to relieve that guilt.) They are angry and they want to do something, because doing nothing hurts and they have no place to direct their anger. And helping seems to be a positive outlet.
This is where much of the "lets bring food over" or "lets send flowers" comes from. And over the years, families have decided that rather than sending flowers to show you care, they would much rather have money sent to some charity or a memorial fund of some sort. This gives people a venue and a way to "do something" when they feel so powerless. In our case, we did open up the fundraising page in order to help cover the costs of Nick's memorial services as well as get Suzy moved back home to Idaho. It allowed people to help and "do something".
However, still many people are angry. Part of that anger is caused by the crazy Florida laws that do not protect or help those who have suffered in some kind of car accident. Part of the anger is the result of a lost wedding ring after Nick's accident. And friends and family want to "rage against the machine" so to speak. They want to "do something" to make it right or to help Suzy and I deal with things.
I completely get that. I really do. It's hard to be far away from the people you love when they are grieving, especially when you read blogs from this grieving mom about the frustrations I feel at the wheels of justice or lack there of. And my friends and family feel powerless and they just want to help.
Most people do. So how do you do that? How do you help a grieving parent and/or wife?
Recent events have prompted me to take a look at the way I have tried to help a friend of mine who lost her son to suicide last year. I would like to think that I handled it "well". That I offered to help and didn't overwhelm her with my own grief and ideas of what I thought should happen. I would like to think that I checked my own selfishness in needing to feel like I am doing something in order to make myself feel better and that I stopped short of overwhelming my dear friend.
Those of us who are "movers and shakers" find it hard to sit on our hands and do nothing; especially when we see our friends and family hurting. But sometimes, that is what really needs to happen. And if we feel like we NEED to do something, we need to stop and really evaluate our motives and our actions before taking action. And we need to look at the situation objectively; if we can't do that, then we need to step away and do NOTHING. Why? Because if we can't look at a situation objectively, then we are acting from a place of selfishness rather than compassion. It has become about "us" rather than about "them". It has become, "What will make ME feel good?" rather than, "Will this make THEM feel better?"
So here is what I think, before you decide to take action to "help" someone who is grieving, maybe take some of these things into consideration:
1) Have they asked for help with the particular situation.
2) Have you asked them if they would like your help with the situation?
3) If you see them being obviously riddled with hurt and pain, then maybe stepping back and just listening is the right thing to do rather than to just jump into action. Maybe they just need to be heard rather than fixed.
4) Before you act, think. You obviously have a desired outcome you have in mind, but have you thought about what the journey to that outcome will do to/for the people you want to help? (In a case where there is an extreme amount of anger (yours or theirs)..this is vital. Are you acting from a place of vengeance and injustice and will your actions perpetuate the pain of the people you intend to help (even if the desired outcome may be good). Believe me, in this situation, the ways will not justify the means. You need to be clear about your motive and be clear about where the people you are trying to help stand with this.
5) Just because someone blogs and wears their hearts on their sleeves for the world to view, does not mean that you have their permission to run with that information and act on their behalf to try and find justice for them.
6) Be clear. Your grief journey is YOURS and theirs is theirs. Not everyone grieves in the same way at the same time. Grief is fluid. Yes there are steps to grief. But these steps are very fluid. Sometimes you move forward and some times you go backwards and sometimes you feel several things all within an hour. If you are grieving as well, and you want to help. Be clear which stage of grief you are acting from when you act. And be very clear that what you do will not have an ill affect on the person you are trying to help. What you think is positive to you, might very well hit the grieving parent/spouse at a grief stage that is less than ideal. This is why communication is so very important when trying to help someone.
7) Do be be attached to your ideas of help. What you might think is a great idea for you, may not be a great idea for those who are grieving. Emotions run high and run crazy. Many times, situations cause the parent/spouse to feel overwhelmed and they just can't take on one more thing. And if it requires having to relive a trauma over again, they may not have the energy to deal with it.
8) Give people space. If someone is doing something or has set something a certain way, do not change it to meet your needs or because you think your idea is better. People do things the way they see fit in order to be comfortable while they are grieving. Remember, though you may be grieving as well, everyone needs their space and if a parent/spouse has lost their child/spouse, it is not about you and what makes you happy or comfortable. It is about them, and they very well may need their space and their own time to deal with things on their own.
9) Do not get offended. You may think you have the best idea in the world, and the grieving parent/spouse may think otherwise. Who knows why they have declined your offer for help, but it's not up to you to question it. Just accept it and move on without offense. They are trying to do the best that they can with what they have been given, and the extra drama of your offense, is only going to make matters worse.
10) Respect. This all comes down to compassion and respect. Learn to read the signs. Sit still and listen. And if you have a question, ask. Do not assume whatever it is you want to do is going to be okay. The old saying, "Better to ask for forgiveness than for permission" does NOT apply in this situation.
Yup.. I think that is about it. I could be wrong. But I think based on what I have lived through (on both ends of this game of life) this is pretty accurate.
For me, I know that I am surrounded by this huge amazing circle of family and friends. And so many people are grieving over the loss of my son Nick. And I am constantly reminding myself that people just want to help. They are angry and grieving too. I keep reminding myself that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own speed. I keep reminding myself to act and speak from a place of compassion and do not rush to judgement. And sometimes I find myself getting really angry because I have to remind myself of these things.. that I have to be watchful, mindful and compassionate of other people's grief over my son and make sure I don't tread over their grief when I feel like it is *my* son and I should be able to feel whatever I feel and not have to worry about what other people think or do. *laugh* But the world doesn't work that way. So I pull up my big girl panties and move on and pray for peace and find things to be grateful for.... like the fact that even if someone's actions (when they are trying to help) hurt me, I realize they are really just trying to help because they love me.
There is no book on this.... like I said.. maybe I should write one.
