Time To Get Real!!!!

Okay, y'all!  So most of you know that in 2011 I started a getting healthy/weight loss journey with Weight Watchers.  In a little over a year's time, I released 65#.  It was pretty easy.  I came off consistently. I was also doing tons of running, training for the 2011 Honolulu Marathon.  In April 2012, I became a licensed Zumba instructor and continued to run through June.  Between running and Zumba preparation, I was exercising pretty close to 6 hours a day.

In August 2012, I had knee surgery.  By November, I was back out trail running and still doing some Zumba.  Then in January 2013, I fell and bonked my head.  No more running, cycling, dancing of any kind.   In April I was able to run again.  I started training hard on the trails again.  No more Zumba, and belly dance was put on hold.   In June I fell and hit my knee again.  In July, I went to the doctor and decided I needed to take time off for my knee.  Went on vacation; came back home and finally got back on the trails again and rolled my ankle but was able to get back to Belly Dance and use that to keep the ankle loose and help it heal faster.  Took another week off of running to heal the ankle.  And today, went out running again today.

With all of the injuries and time off, I have been fighting some major demons.  This morning the demons hit HARD.  I have noticed that my stomach (the area between my bra line and belly button) has become larger.  I have gained 10# (the same 10# I lost back in May!)  But more importantly than the weight gain is my stomach issue.  Because my waist line is below this point, most of my clothes are still fitting me.  But my stomach is larger and I know for a fact that this is due to the processed CRAP that I have been eating.  I'm not going to lie.  I'm back to the Maverick breakfasts (even though I have perfectly healthy food at home!)  What does a Maverick breakfast mean?  Chocolate donuts or a large blue berry muffin with a diet coke. And recently if they do not have either of these, I get angry (yes angry) and reach for the double stuffed Oreos.  This is NOT good!  And let's not talk about my new found love and craving for Domino's Pizza with the Hot Wings.  I can eat a box of 14 piece Hot Wings all  by myself and that is WITH the pizza.  So NOT good! And don't forget the root beer to go with it; nothing like washing down unhealthy food with a large amount of high fructose corn syrup!

Below is a picture of my belly sticking out past my rather large boobs.  Granted, I'm slouching while sitting on the couch, but still.  This has gotta go!  It's not that I am unhappy about gaining weight; its that I'm unhappy about what this represents and how it got here!

Aside from the fact that I am gaining weight and my belly is getting bigger, there is the issue of my training.  I have 5 1/2 weeks until the Foothills 50K Frenzy. That is a 31 mile race through the foothills of Boise.  For me, this will be a very long day.  It also means I need to get back to serious training, which means early morning runs.  I need to get my mileage back up to wear it was before I took (a now) 6 week break!  I need to do these runs in the foothills, not on the city streets.  Last night, I told Tracy that I was going to get up at 5 this morning to go running. My alarm went off at 5, and my internal battle started.  "You are too fat."  "You have been eating like crap and there is no way you can do this."  "Your knee is going to hurt."  "Stay in bed."  "If you stay in bed, you are a quitter and you will never get healthy again."  So the demons won. I stayed in bed.  I thought I would sleep.  Instead, I heard:  "I can't believe you stayed in bed!"  "What is wrong with you?"  "You know that if you don't get up, you will never get back to running!"  "GET OUT OF BED!!!!!  GET TO THE MOUNTAINS!"  I stayed in bed and with each minute, I felt worse and worse and worse.  

They always say the hardest part of running is taking that first step out the front door.  For me, today, it was getting out of bed.  

By the time Tracy's 8 AM alarm went off, I was so down and miserable with myself. Tracy kept asking me what was wrong.  How do I explain to him that I feel like crap and that I have spent the last 3 hours beating myself up.  How do I explain to him that even though he finds me beautiful, I feel like a fat lethargic piece of crap?  And more importantly, how do I explain to him that even though I feel like this, we are still stopping at Maverick to get my crappy-for-me breakfast?  (Yes, we have been married 25 years. Yes, he has been through this with me so many times before.  But it doesn't make it any easier!)

When I finally got up, I made sure to put on my work out clothes. Sometimes, that is all a runner needs. Once the clothes are on, running is inevitable.  (That plan did not work yesterday!)  I took Tracy to work. We stopped at Maverick and I was PISSED cause they didn't have a blue berry muffin or chocolate donuts.  (Yes, this is an addiction and today was horrible.)  So I bought the double stuffed Oreos and my diet coke.  The whole time I am driving him to work (or actually he was driving) I continued the fight with myself.  "You WILL go for a run when you get home!"  "You will NOT let this beat you!"

Once I got home, I put on my running shoes, filled my hydration pack and got my iPhone ready with some music and my GPS.  Then I realized my favorite headphones were missing an ear bud.  "Well you might as well stay home then!"  Really????  Up in the mountains I NEVER listen to music.  Doing a little 4 mile run through the city will be fine without the music.  So off I went. I felt guilty.  I knew that the 4 miles I was about to do was LESS than I should be doing and since it was in the city it was no where near the terrain I needed to be on.  I continued beating myself up.  "You should have gotten out of bed this morning to do the 6 miles up in hills!"  "These 4 miles will get you no where!"  "You only have 6 weeks till the race!"  "Your knee hurts. You are never going to be able to do the race!  You won't even be able to finish this run!"  "Look at you!  You can't run. You can only walk.  How are you going to do an ultra if all you do is walk!" "Your running 'career' is over with!"

Why oh why didn't I have my headphones to block out Ms. Negativity???

Eventually, my stronger side started to speak up.  "Just keep pushing, Martha.  Pump your arms and keep moving!  A fast walk is better than sitting on the couch!  4 miles is better than nothing!  Just keep going!"  "Don't worry about tomorrow or what will come after the Frenzy.  Focus on right now.  Focus on the training for the Frenzy THEN take a look at your future in running."  "You can still do Marathons and Ultras while walking."  "Just keep moving!  I'm so proud of you for making it out today!"  "Look at you.. 15 minute pace after not really moving for the last 6 weeks!"  "You can run down this hill.  Look, its not hurting your knee!  Keep going!"  Turning into my street I looked at my GPS..just under 4 miles and just about under a 15 minute pace.  "Run this out Martha!  Finish strong!"  I took my iPhone in hand and ran down my street until I heard the 4 mile mark.  I finished in just under a 15 minute pace.  4 miles in just under an hour after not doing anything for 6 weeks!  It felt good.  It was exactly what I needed.

But exercise alone will not get done what needs to get done in my body.  I need to eat clean.  I need to drink more water. I need to get rid of the sugar in my diet (I didn't even mention all the candy I have been eating or the fact that the Maverick breakfasts have also turned into Maverick snacks....anytime I get in the car, I hit Maverick for these "meals".)  So ya.  That has to change.  I went to the grocery store today. I bought foods that will keep me eating clean.  Now I just have to eat them and not make those blasted trips to Maverick!  I need my self-control back.  I need to break this habit and addiction (again).   I need to fuel my body properly to continue being the athlete that I am and want to continue being.  And it starts NOW!

My Affirmation:

I fuel my body with foods that nourish and strengthen my muscles, joints and vital organs.  My body is hydrated naturally with filtered water. My body is stronger, more flexible, and moves pain free with each step. My endurance increases each day with each climb up the mountain.  My heart rejoices every day as I was the sun rise during my morning runs.  When I think about my health and fitness goals, there is only health and happiness in my soul.  I claim perfect health and fitness as mine NOW.

Here's to keeping it real.  Thanks for "listening".