Okay, so I just got home from the gym. I am 5 weeks post op from my last knee surgery. I have not done much with my legs.. other than walk up stairs occasionally. When I do walk up stairs it hurts. Surgery has helped with some things, yet with others, it hasn't. Last night, I kept waking up in excruciating pain from my knee. Only post surgery, this pain is kind of different. Before surgery, it was because my knee was bent and needed to pop. Now my knee isn't really bent and it doesn't need to pop. It just hurts to hurt. Great. I realize that the next step is partial knee replacement. Fine..whatever. That will happen in December, if I can't get my knee to cooperate by then. But that isn't what this blog is about... not really.
I went to the gym. It hurt like none other to do the 30 minute work out with the little steps we do between weight machines. The leg machines were torture. And I had them on next to no weight! I have lost so much muscle in both of my legs. It's not funny. But the good news in, in a weird turn of events, my abs rocked it today! *laugh*
Before I went to the gym... like last night... I was really beginning to feel bad about myself. Fighting with this knee issue since January has not been pleasant and has pretty much stopped me from doing most of everything that I love to do when it comes to working out. Hiking in the foothills hurts. Roller skating is extremely painful. I have not tried my bike, but I know what its like when my knee hurts, so ya..... Dancing hurts. I have lost alot of balance (which brings another issue into play... I can't fall and hit my head again). I wasn't able to snow board last winter. Yadda yadda yadda. So.. like any good food addicted person, I have turned to food to console my emotions. What happens when you turn to food and you really can't exercise the way you used to? Yup.......that happened. And it's causing me some real self esteem issues. I'm doing my best to work through it and keep my mojo...but I'm telling you, it is difficult.
This isn't about body shaming myself. This is about real life expectations in real life practical situations. This is about the way I feel while being intimate. This is about the way I feel naked. This is about the way I feel when clothes don't fit me properly. And yes, this is about how much easier life is when I am not the size that I am currently. Truth be told, I really miss the body I had when I was running 24 miles just for the fun of it.. not for a medal at the end of a race. I miss the tiny little size 8 pants that I got to wear. I miss the muscle that I had. I miss the balance that I had. I miss how incredible I felt every morning when I got out of bed. I miss the views from atop a mountain that I just hiked up. I miss 100 mile bike rides. I miss 70 mile bike rides along rivers rolling through canyons. I miss the incredible sweat I would get after an amazing night of Zumba. I miss squats. *laugh*
I just read my blog from this day last year. Apparently, I was having the same kind of mojo crisis that I am having today. Interestingly enough, I was concerned about leaving belly dancing. Lots of stuff happened and I felt like it was time to leave belly dancing, but I was afraid to. I was also afraid that I would never burlesque again. A year has gone by. I am officially on a break from belly dancing, but I managed to fight through the mojo issue and get back to burlesque when the season rolled around again last fall, and I don't see that stopping anytime soon. Even in this current mojo crisis, I am burlesquing my way through it.. learning to love my body through all of its stages,sizes and ages. So there is that. LOL. But I wonder.. have I always felt this way at this time of year? If so, why?
I know the last couple of years of my life have been interesting, to say the least. In 2011 I started a health journey that lead me to running that lead me to running an ultra marathon and eating mountains for breakfast. I fell in love with Zumba that lead me to be a Zumba instructor. I fell in love with cycling that lead me to ride 400 miles in a weeks times to raise money for charity. I also found the courage to bellydance and burlesque. It's been an amazing journey with huge successes. It has also been a crazy journey with huge challenges... traumatic brain injury after a winter training session on my bike. 2 knee surgeries. 1 back surgery. 1 hysterectomy. And Nicks' death thrown in there for good measure. In the last 5 years, I have had some HUGE wins and some Huge losses. I know 5 years seems like a long time to most people..but seriously, to me it seems like its just been yesterday. (That may be because I have lost so much time and memory thanks to the TBI.) But I'm sitting here after my gym work out and really feeling like.. "Where did all of this fitness go and how do I get it back?"
I know how to get it back. I have been down this route before. It requires changing my eating. It requires working out. Working out. That's the part that gets me. I can't do what I used to do. I can't do what really got me down to a size 8 to begin with (which is running). Running (as much as I love it) is what hurt my knee to the point of needing a knee replacement. And yes, maybe I have been throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum ever since I stopped running after my back surgery (which was also helped along by running.. and a lack of core strength). The passive aggressive temper tantrum goes something like this: "If I can't run, then fuck everything else! Let's revert back to the way we used to eat. Let's give up working out all together. If I can't run, then its all over with!" What am I? 2 years old????
So, I can't run. And yes, I miss it. I miss so much about it. And yes, right now, even hiking is a painful thing to do. But instead of focussing on what I can't do, maybe I should focus on what I CAN do. I can still use my arms to life weights. There is no reason I can't crush it with my arms. There is no reason I can't do amazing ab workouts to strengthen my core! I can do those things! And yes, I can walk on surfaces that don't require me to do alot of stepping up. I can work on my balance. I can put down the pastries. I can stop buying Ice Cream. I can drink more water. I can go back to cooking good food. I can love myself right where I am. I can let go of the past and stop comparing who I am today to who I was in 2012. How many times have I said that NOW is the only moment we have? How many times have I said that being stuck in the past or worried about our future is a waste of energy and robs us of the goodness that is in this moment right now? The answer? So many freaking times!
So yes... after reading last year's blog, this may be a yearly cycle. (Thank you, Facebook, for showing us memories of things in the past. And thank you, Self, for opening up that blog and re-reading it today.) But just because it looks like a yearly cycle, doesn't mean I have to accept things the way they are. I can choose to break that cycle. I can choose to find the good in my life right in this moment. Like the fact that my abs rocked today's workout. I get to enjoy a lunch date with a burlesque sister as we continue to build our friendship and support each other as we work on our separate routines. I have an amazing hubby who loves me. I have 2 beautiful and healthy children who continue to grow and learn every day. I have a beautiful home and a relaxing outdoor space that this whole family created together. My blessings are abundant.
Here's to getting my mojo back!!!
(***** I am proofing this and re-reading what I wrote. Between March 2011 and October 2013, I ran 2 5ks, 1 10K, 5 half marathons, 4 marathons, 1 50K ultra marathon, rode my first metric century on my bike, rode my first mile century on my bike, rode 400 miles in 1 week on my bike, and became a Zumba instructor. My first knee surgery listed here was in 2012. So In 2012, I had 1 knee surgery (right around this time). In 2013, I bonked my head in January which kept me down for 4 months. January of 2014 I injured my back which kept me down for 5 months until I could have surgery in Late May/Early June. 5 months later, in November, Nick was killed. In 2015 I had a hysterectomy. In 2016 (so far) I have had 1 knee surgery and planning a more serious one in December. In 4 years (so far) that is 4 surgeries that all came with recovery down time before and after injuries...and a TBI that has required quite a bit of down time and changing much of how I exercise. Then there was a death. Umm.. maybe I should give myself a fucking break, don't ya think?????******)
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Another Day, Another Tear
I really do not want all of my blogs to be about grief. I feel as though I spent a whole year talking about grief and now I want to talk about other (happier) things. However, sometimes, grief just kind of takes over for a little bit.
I decided some time ago to jump off the "Anniversary Train". I know I blogged about this a long time ago, but I saw a talk show that talked about this train and how it really leads to us getting stuck in grief. We wait for the day of the month that our loved one died, we wait for birthdays, we wait for holidays.....and we spend more of our life "dreading" than we do "living". I managed to hop off of the train (for the most part) The 10th of the month comes and goes (usually) without me noticing. But May and June...they have had some hard days.
May is my birthday and mother's day. First of all (and this has nothing to do with my son's death), I don't like my birthday. Somewhere along the line I found this story that I tell myself that my birthday will always suck and I will always be disappointed. I am not sure where that comes from..other than maybe ONE year a LONG time ago, Tracy might have forgotten my birthday or did something that I was disappointed in. But man, I don't remember what happened and certainly, I have had amazing birthdays since then. So why do I hold on to that story. Mother's day is right after my birthday. Since Nick's death, you can imagine how that plays out. Last month, Tracy did his absolute best to make it a good time for me, and I did have a fabulous birthday/mother's day. Of course, Nick was not far from my thoughts.
Fast forward to Dad's day that was this past Sunday. Tracy has not jumped off the anniversary train. (Everyone deals with grief in their own way.) I was in the kitchen making breakfast for Tracy and I heard his phone ring. I came into the living room to see who it was. (I half expected it to be Nick calling. Tracy did too.) I saw his face go from "yay, Nick is calling!" to "no, Nick is dead." Then I saw it change to "Yay! Jared is calling!") Jared is our bonus child...Nate's best friend who spent most of his teenage years with us. He calls us mom and dad and now G-ma Martha and G-pa Tracy (as he is expecting his son next month). Jared's phone call meant the world to Tracy. But that doesn't stop the fact that we all know that Nick is gone. I tried very hard to make it a great day for Tracy. Yes, we found time to laugh. But it was a hard day.. for him.. for me..
We also just had our first family photo shoot since Nick was killed. It was lots of fun, but seeing them and realizing that Nick is not in them is very hard. When I posted pictures to Tracy's facebook wall for Father's day, I started with one of the 3 kids on our last family vacation before Nick was killed. I didnt' know if it would help or hurt Tracy. I love seeing pictures of all 3 of my kids and I never want to forget that I have 3 kids and that Nick is one of them. But when do we stop posting those pictures on Father's or Mother's days? When do we "let go"? Then I posted one of the new pictures of just Tracy, Nate and Omi. It's a beautiful picture.. and that is our family NOW. But it feels odd. Where is that balance? When is it going to feel "normal"? Maybe one of my other angel moms or dads can answer that question.
I decided some time ago to jump off the "Anniversary Train". I know I blogged about this a long time ago, but I saw a talk show that talked about this train and how it really leads to us getting stuck in grief. We wait for the day of the month that our loved one died, we wait for birthdays, we wait for holidays.....and we spend more of our life "dreading" than we do "living". I managed to hop off of the train (for the most part) The 10th of the month comes and goes (usually) without me noticing. But May and June...they have had some hard days.
May is my birthday and mother's day. First of all (and this has nothing to do with my son's death), I don't like my birthday. Somewhere along the line I found this story that I tell myself that my birthday will always suck and I will always be disappointed. I am not sure where that comes from..other than maybe ONE year a LONG time ago, Tracy might have forgotten my birthday or did something that I was disappointed in. But man, I don't remember what happened and certainly, I have had amazing birthdays since then. So why do I hold on to that story. Mother's day is right after my birthday. Since Nick's death, you can imagine how that plays out. Last month, Tracy did his absolute best to make it a good time for me, and I did have a fabulous birthday/mother's day. Of course, Nick was not far from my thoughts.
Fast forward to Dad's day that was this past Sunday. Tracy has not jumped off the anniversary train. (Everyone deals with grief in their own way.) I was in the kitchen making breakfast for Tracy and I heard his phone ring. I came into the living room to see who it was. (I half expected it to be Nick calling. Tracy did too.) I saw his face go from "yay, Nick is calling!" to "no, Nick is dead." Then I saw it change to "Yay! Jared is calling!") Jared is our bonus child...Nate's best friend who spent most of his teenage years with us. He calls us mom and dad and now G-ma Martha and G-pa Tracy (as he is expecting his son next month). Jared's phone call meant the world to Tracy. But that doesn't stop the fact that we all know that Nick is gone. I tried very hard to make it a great day for Tracy. Yes, we found time to laugh. But it was a hard day.. for him.. for me..
We also just had our first family photo shoot since Nick was killed. It was lots of fun, but seeing them and realizing that Nick is not in them is very hard. When I posted pictures to Tracy's facebook wall for Father's day, I started with one of the 3 kids on our last family vacation before Nick was killed. I didnt' know if it would help or hurt Tracy. I love seeing pictures of all 3 of my kids and I never want to forget that I have 3 kids and that Nick is one of them. But when do we stop posting those pictures on Father's or Mother's days? When do we "let go"? Then I posted one of the new pictures of just Tracy, Nate and Omi. It's a beautiful picture.. and that is our family NOW. But it feels odd. Where is that balance? When is it going to feel "normal"? Maybe one of my other angel moms or dads can answer that question.
Yesterday, I couldn't handle it anymore. I cried. Actually, I have been crying off and on (in private) since Sunday. But yesterday, Nate saw it on my face and then held me as I cried.
There are lots of things and feelings I have that I don't talk about on facebook. Lots of changes that have happened in our lives in the last couple of months. I know I talked about the changes as they happened, but I have not talked about the emotional struggles in public..not really. Some of that creeped back up last week and over the weekend. So, yes, I have been dealing with that too.
I also watch my children. Nate and Omi also have their good times and difficult times. I can feel when our family is struggling. We start to feel disconnected. That's when I know its time to do something as a family to bring us back together again. The family photo shoot... father's day... working on the bar.. all of those things help. But when it's over, sometimes I see my kids struggle and my heart aches for them. I know each of us in the family goes through that. We see one of us struggling and we don't know how to help other than to hug... which is the best help we can give.
Today as I was driving home from the grocery store, I was going over a conversation with a new friend of mine. She asked me how long ago Nick died. I had to count the months. Since I have jumped off that train, I don't remember. But today it dawned on em. When our children are babies, we count the months for the first 2 years. "My son is 6 months old." "My son is a year old." My son is 18 months old." Now my son is dead. And when people ask me that question.. I find this ironic. (Is that the right term?)
I remember a conversation decades ago. Another mother was complaining about using "months" as a way of saying hold old a child is. "When do you stop using months, and start using years?" And I asked myself that question today when it comes to Nick's death. "When do I stop using months and start using years?" I guess my answer is 2 years. Once my child turned 2 years old, I just said my child is 2 years old. I guess this will be my answer for when someone asks me how long agin did my son die? In November, it will be 2 years. Right now, it is 19 moths. The 2 year anniversary of Nick's death, I will be at BurlyCon. I survived the 1st year okay, so I thought I would be safe going to BurlyCon this year. Right now, I'm seriously questioning that choice. But what I do know is that Nick would not want me to give up living my life and chasing my dreams. BurlyCon happens the same time every year.....around November 10th.
I'm off that Anniversary Train (for the most part), but I am mindful that the rest of my family is not. Let me tell you, I never thought I would be counting the months since he died like I did when Nick was born. It's a weird juxtaposition and not one that you can prepare for.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
50 Killed In Orlando... Where Have all The Christians Gone?
I, like most Americans, woke up to the news about the mass shooting at the Pulse night club in Orlando, Florida. Pulse is a gay bar. My mind instantly went to, " I lived in Florida for 7 years; who do I know that might have been there?" Orlando is not that far away from where I lived. We used to go there all of the time. I have friends who live in Orlando. Who do I know that might have been there? I started to see my friends from Florida posting. They seem to all be safe. Thankfully.
But as I scrolled through my facebook posts I noticed something. The ONLY people that were posting about this horrible tragedy were my LGBT friendly people.. either members of the community or allies. I have NOT seen the conservative Christian people on my friends list posting anything. I have not heard their out cry over what has been deemed "The biggest mass shooting and terrorist attack since 9/11". Fifty people are dead. Fifty people are injured. THESE ARE PEOPLE! These people are someone's children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews... FAMILY!!! Yes, it was a gay bar, but orientation should not even be an issue in how this is affecting the people of the United States.
Everyone in the US should be upset and crying. EVERYONE should be outraged.
If this was indeed a "terrorist attack" by someone from ISIS (or whatever), this whole country should be screaming at the top of their lungs. If this was "hate crime", then this country as a whole needs to sit down and really look at what is going on. Why does a club of people who are out dancing, make you feel threatened, and more importantly (based on what I am seeing on Facebook) why does the orientation of these people affect how compassionate you are or (maybe just how you decide to show your compassion)? Are you afraid to show your compassion for fear that someone in your social circle may see it and think you are have turned gay? Are you afraid someone in your social circle may think you have turned your back and your god? If that is the case, you need to go back and read your Bible. You need to see that LOVE was god's religion!
My LGBT community is scared. We are frightened to walk outside right now. We are afraid for our lives. I am "lucky"; I look straight. I am married to a man. I have children. I live in suburbia. But I am NOT straight, and where I live, living in suburbia means that I could be in MORE danger because the people in downtown Boise proper are more liberal than the suburbs. My Facebook feed is flooded with my community members who are in tears. Is this really what your religion wants? For a whole group of people to feel isolated, hurt, afraid? I realize a "Christian" didn't hold the gun last night. However, I don't see a whole lot of "Christians" running to the aid and standing up in support of the people who were killed last night..or the community members that are reeling with the news.
Where are all the profile pictures that have turned rainbow? Where are all the #prayforOrlando hashtags from my Christian friends?
I'm confused.
Is it just because it was a Gay club??? Seriously? If so, shame on you!!!!!
And if this is just the case of Facebook showing me only things it thinks I want to see..then shame on Facebook. What the LGBT community needs right now is to see Straight People.. ALL PEOPLE...regardless of religion, race, sexual orientation or gender to stand up and show love and support!
Several years ago, one of my straight friends posted on Facebook that she did not understand why there was a "National coming out day". "Why is it such a big deal?" Well, today shows why it is such a big deal. Today is why PRIDE parades happen. Until we are all loved and accepted for who we are.. until the hate ends.. until ignorance has been erased, then these things will continue to be important. We will continue to march. We will continue to shout from the rooftops. Although, to be honest, after today, many of us may fold our pride flags and hide them back in our homes where only our friends can see them. Many of us, will stay away from pride events this month for fear of another attack somewhere. *sigh*
Where, have all the "Christians" gone?
But as I scrolled through my facebook posts I noticed something. The ONLY people that were posting about this horrible tragedy were my LGBT friendly people.. either members of the community or allies. I have NOT seen the conservative Christian people on my friends list posting anything. I have not heard their out cry over what has been deemed "The biggest mass shooting and terrorist attack since 9/11". Fifty people are dead. Fifty people are injured. THESE ARE PEOPLE! These people are someone's children, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews... FAMILY!!! Yes, it was a gay bar, but orientation should not even be an issue in how this is affecting the people of the United States.
Everyone in the US should be upset and crying. EVERYONE should be outraged.
If this was indeed a "terrorist attack" by someone from ISIS (or whatever), this whole country should be screaming at the top of their lungs. If this was "hate crime", then this country as a whole needs to sit down and really look at what is going on. Why does a club of people who are out dancing, make you feel threatened, and more importantly (based on what I am seeing on Facebook) why does the orientation of these people affect how compassionate you are or (maybe just how you decide to show your compassion)? Are you afraid to show your compassion for fear that someone in your social circle may see it and think you are have turned gay? Are you afraid someone in your social circle may think you have turned your back and your god? If that is the case, you need to go back and read your Bible. You need to see that LOVE was god's religion!
My LGBT community is scared. We are frightened to walk outside right now. We are afraid for our lives. I am "lucky"; I look straight. I am married to a man. I have children. I live in suburbia. But I am NOT straight, and where I live, living in suburbia means that I could be in MORE danger because the people in downtown Boise proper are more liberal than the suburbs. My Facebook feed is flooded with my community members who are in tears. Is this really what your religion wants? For a whole group of people to feel isolated, hurt, afraid? I realize a "Christian" didn't hold the gun last night. However, I don't see a whole lot of "Christians" running to the aid and standing up in support of the people who were killed last night..or the community members that are reeling with the news.
Where are all the profile pictures that have turned rainbow? Where are all the #prayforOrlando hashtags from my Christian friends?
I'm confused.
Is it just because it was a Gay club??? Seriously? If so, shame on you!!!!!
And if this is just the case of Facebook showing me only things it thinks I want to see..then shame on Facebook. What the LGBT community needs right now is to see Straight People.. ALL PEOPLE...regardless of religion, race, sexual orientation or gender to stand up and show love and support!
Several years ago, one of my straight friends posted on Facebook that she did not understand why there was a "National coming out day". "Why is it such a big deal?" Well, today shows why it is such a big deal. Today is why PRIDE parades happen. Until we are all loved and accepted for who we are.. until the hate ends.. until ignorance has been erased, then these things will continue to be important. We will continue to march. We will continue to shout from the rooftops. Although, to be honest, after today, many of us may fold our pride flags and hide them back in our homes where only our friends can see them. Many of us, will stay away from pride events this month for fear of another attack somewhere. *sigh*
Where, have all the "Christians" gone?
Thursday, April 21, 2016
April 21, 2016 There's a First For Everything
At the beginning of the year, I created a list of things I wanted to get one this year. They were goals. The idea was to focus on art, authenticity and spreading my wings and trying new things. I have checked quite a few things off of my list or have at least made some serious progress. Other things have fallen by the way side but have been replaced with new things. Re-evaluating goals is a good thing.
So...... here we go:
1) My natural hair color is still growing out. It's not as gray as I thought it would be. I also bought 2 new wigs (my first ever) to wear for performances and fun. One is red and crazy; the other is long brown with a bit of red and purple. Both are gorgeous and totally me!
2) I wanted to get Safety Dance piece performed before summer break, and I did! I also wanted to get a duet with Chiffon done by September. We have made progress on this. Choreo is written and costumes decided. We are on track! I wanted to sing on stage before the end of the year.... that might happen. Not sure yet. But I have also put together 3 brand new acts....which were not on the list!
3) I wanted to create new art every week. I do not think this has happened. I have been very busy with burlesque. My "art" has been spent in costuming and choreographing. I am pretty happy with where my creativity is taking me. I am reaching out and going in directions I never thought I would with my burlesque. I am creating characters that I never thought I would. I even have a creepy Mary Poppins coming up, and it is totally taking me outside of my comfort zone. I have sewn (with Tracy's help) a new costume. I have created new pasties and working with new "mediums".
4) I had a list of "new things" I wanted to do that included fencing and improv classss. I'm not sure that is going to get done..but who knows. It still might. However, I HAVE put myself out there and applied for 2 new burlesque festivals out of state. Colorado turned me down. I'm still waiting to hear the results from AburlyQ in NM. Putting myself out there is a bit scary, bu I am learning so much about myself as a performer and as a human being. The other new thing I have done was a promo photo shoot. I have never hired a professional photographer for the soul purpose of taking pictures of just me. I had 3 outfit changes...costumes. I stripped in font of the camera and posed and had so much fun! I need to loosen up in front of a camera. I can't wait to see the pictures. I also went to my first rave. It was quite the experience. I just love to dance and it was my friends birthday. It was fun. It's not something I plan on doing all of the time, but it was an experience.
It's almost the end of April and I think I am doing pretty good with my goals and living an authentic life. I am learning what it means to be "me" again. I love doing burlesque. I love the personal growth it is providing me. I am going from this socially awkward person to someone who enjoys meeting new people and being socially engaging. My burlesque persona is definitely more out going than I am usually, but she is an extension of who I am. Putting myself out there and setting myself up for rejection is a huge growth opportunity. Being able to express myself through performance is so freeing and amazing. Designing costumes and storylines feeds my soul. And doing all of these things allows me to set an example for my children... to reach for their goals, put themselves out there and take rejection and turn it into growth.
I am also finding more and more that I love my burly family. I spent all of my life hating my body. I grew up thinking I was fat and unworthy. As an adult I looked at other women and still felt like I wasn't good enough. I am too awkward. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am not good enough. All of those things have gone through my head. "Other women are better than me." For years I have sat in the audience of burlesque shows and just wished I could be on of those women. And here I am. I AM one of those women. But more importantly, I find myself back stage with amazingly talented and beautiful women and I am accepted as one of them. They are telling me that I am beautiful. Thy are telling me that I am talented. Today at the photo shoot, my mentors kept telling me how cute or pretty or sexy I was. It's a sisterhood in which none of us are competition...but sisters who love and accept and support each other. This doesn't happen just at stage time, but as friends in street clothes in our personal lives. We are a family, and I get to be part of it. And slowly this family of mine is growing to include performers from other states! It's a beautiful thing!
I am grateful for the life I get to live!!!! It's a wonderful adventure!
So...... here we go:
1) My natural hair color is still growing out. It's not as gray as I thought it would be. I also bought 2 new wigs (my first ever) to wear for performances and fun. One is red and crazy; the other is long brown with a bit of red and purple. Both are gorgeous and totally me!
2) I wanted to get Safety Dance piece performed before summer break, and I did! I also wanted to get a duet with Chiffon done by September. We have made progress on this. Choreo is written and costumes decided. We are on track! I wanted to sing on stage before the end of the year.... that might happen. Not sure yet. But I have also put together 3 brand new acts....which were not on the list!
3) I wanted to create new art every week. I do not think this has happened. I have been very busy with burlesque. My "art" has been spent in costuming and choreographing. I am pretty happy with where my creativity is taking me. I am reaching out and going in directions I never thought I would with my burlesque. I am creating characters that I never thought I would. I even have a creepy Mary Poppins coming up, and it is totally taking me outside of my comfort zone. I have sewn (with Tracy's help) a new costume. I have created new pasties and working with new "mediums".
4) I had a list of "new things" I wanted to do that included fencing and improv classss. I'm not sure that is going to get done..but who knows. It still might. However, I HAVE put myself out there and applied for 2 new burlesque festivals out of state. Colorado turned me down. I'm still waiting to hear the results from AburlyQ in NM. Putting myself out there is a bit scary, bu I am learning so much about myself as a performer and as a human being. The other new thing I have done was a promo photo shoot. I have never hired a professional photographer for the soul purpose of taking pictures of just me. I had 3 outfit changes...costumes. I stripped in font of the camera and posed and had so much fun! I need to loosen up in front of a camera. I can't wait to see the pictures. I also went to my first rave. It was quite the experience. I just love to dance and it was my friends birthday. It was fun. It's not something I plan on doing all of the time, but it was an experience.
It's almost the end of April and I think I am doing pretty good with my goals and living an authentic life. I am learning what it means to be "me" again. I love doing burlesque. I love the personal growth it is providing me. I am going from this socially awkward person to someone who enjoys meeting new people and being socially engaging. My burlesque persona is definitely more out going than I am usually, but she is an extension of who I am. Putting myself out there and setting myself up for rejection is a huge growth opportunity. Being able to express myself through performance is so freeing and amazing. Designing costumes and storylines feeds my soul. And doing all of these things allows me to set an example for my children... to reach for their goals, put themselves out there and take rejection and turn it into growth.
I am also finding more and more that I love my burly family. I spent all of my life hating my body. I grew up thinking I was fat and unworthy. As an adult I looked at other women and still felt like I wasn't good enough. I am too awkward. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am not good enough. All of those things have gone through my head. "Other women are better than me." For years I have sat in the audience of burlesque shows and just wished I could be on of those women. And here I am. I AM one of those women. But more importantly, I find myself back stage with amazingly talented and beautiful women and I am accepted as one of them. They are telling me that I am beautiful. Thy are telling me that I am talented. Today at the photo shoot, my mentors kept telling me how cute or pretty or sexy I was. It's a sisterhood in which none of us are competition...but sisters who love and accept and support each other. This doesn't happen just at stage time, but as friends in street clothes in our personal lives. We are a family, and I get to be part of it. And slowly this family of mine is growing to include performers from other states! It's a beautiful thing!
I am grateful for the life I get to live!!!! It's a wonderful adventure!
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
April 13, 2016 Just Catching Up....
and some realizations...
There really isn't anything hugely important to blog about really. Life just keeps rolling along. Every day is something new.
However, there have been notable things that have happened I suppose.
1) Back in March I applied for the Colorado Burlesque Festival. My mentors told me I was ready for festival performances so I believed them and I put myself out there. That was pretty scary stuff. I didn't have a good, professional video of the piece I wanted to submit, so Tracy caught it on our cell phones at home. *laugh* I submitted it that night. And I found out last week that I was no accepted. There was a small gaggle of us Boise performers who applied and as far as I can tell only one of us was accepted. Yay for Juniper Rose, I could not be happier for her! I was rejected. It's not the first time I have put myself out on the line for a performance. I have applied to be a featured storyteller for events here in town and have been rejected. It's hard not to take this personally sometimes, especially when the piece is so personal. However, I am happy to say that I did not take this rejection personally. I was a bit sad, but I was not torn to shreds. It's a matter of life. Out in the world, there are thousands and millions of people out there wanting to grab just a stream of light on their artistry, and you artistry has to fit what the producers are looking for to fill their show. It's not a reflection of how good you are; it is simply about what the producers feel will fit their show best. Somewhere along the line, I have grown as a performer. Yay!
2) Nick birthday came and went. It was gearing up to be a very difficult day. I didn't' think it would be so hard. We had planned on a fire pit night. We invited Suzy to join us but did not really think she would come. She has pretty much cut us out of her life (which I guess is what she needs to do to heal and move on). We wanted her here and when we she messaged us that day saying she was not coming, it did feel like a little punch to the gut. But it wasn't totally unexpected. It just made the day a bit harder. Ever since she moved out, we have been dealing with the grief of not just losing Nick, but also losing the daughter in love we have loved for so many years. We love her and only want her to be happy and want the best for her. Everyone in the family was "feeling it". Naomi asked "is anyone else coming tonight?" I knew what she meant. I simply replied, "It is just the 4 of us." Thankfully, Jared and Breezy knew that Nick's birthday would be difficult and they drove from Twin Falls just to be with us that night. There was laughter and love as we celebrated Nick and Jared and Breezy's baby boy in the oven! It ended up being a beautiful day! So grateful for our bonus kids!
3) I realized the other day that days, weeks, months have gone by. When I made the decision to get off of the "anniversary train" when it came to grief. Yes, we did just celebrate Nick's birthday, and the days leading up to it were a bit emotional (but not because of Nicks death). We will always remember his birthday and the day he was taken from us. But I realized that I don't remember the exact months he has been gone. I realize that the 10th of the month comes and goes and I don't think about it. I am grateful that I am able to celebrate and live my life without always feeling the heavy weight that comes with counting down till the next anniversary or reminder of him being gone. I am very grateful for the constant reminders and visitations from Nick. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is always with us and that is all that matters to me.
4) One of Nick and Suzy's friends sent me a link to Nick's myspace account and I got to look through the pictures there last night. I loved seeing the photos he took. I loved looking at life through his eyes. He had such an amazing way of capturing life with a camera lens! I loved looking at his hippy clothes. I loved looking at pictures of him and his brother and sister and the love they all shared. I loved seeing pictures with him and Suzy and how much they loved each other. I loved remembering the happy times..the simpler times. I miss him. I miss her. I miss what my family was. This new normal is hard to get used to, but getting used to, I must do and I am finally coming to terms with that, and I'm grateful for that.
5) Nate has been sharing some of his music with me. I don't talk about it much..mostly cause Nate doesn't share it with me much. But Nate has an excellent voice and a very raw talent. It is his music that keeps him sane after Nick's death. It is how he copes. It is how he expresses himself. Every once in a while, he shares a new beat he has created or a new song he just let free flow while he recorded. He created a piece last night about missing Nick. He let me listen to it today and it brought me to tears. I wasn't crying cause I was sad.. I was crying because it was beautiful and because he shared something so intimate with me. Nate has such a beautiful, gentle soul and his music is so pure and honest.
6) They say the proof is in the pudding. I guess this is true when it comes to measure whether or not we are moving on with life. We moved into this house a month before Nick was taken from us. We had huge plans for the back yard. We had huge plans for a big house warming party. But all of that came to a screeching halt (obviously). But now, here we are. Today an electrician has been at my house all day long installing the wiring we need for he new hot tub that we have ordered. The concrete guy comes in two weeks or so. The hot tub should be installed by May 4th. Tracy and I have been in the back yard getting things cleaned up and prepped for the big additions. Things are finally falling into place. We are finally getting things moving and making this house our sanctuary and our home. We are moving forward with life and creating spaces to celebrate with friends and family. It feels good.
Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows, but it sure feels good to be on the upswing. I have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to work out. That relationships will heal as they are meant to (or not). I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I can only infuse the situation with love. I can only love myself, my family, and those around me. I can't force them to accept my love..but I can love without exception or condition which is what I will continue to do. I am forgiving those who have hurt me, and as I type his Michaeleen Blair's name popped into my head. Yes, even the woman who took my son from me. I forgive her (not for her sake, but for mine). Before Nick was taken from us, I was a beacon of joy and love and light. It's time to reignite that and be who I was meant to be all along. Bad things happen in life, but we don't have to let those things dictate how we live our lives. We get to choose how we react to those things.
Oh ya... one more thing...
7) In the last week, I have been approached by 2 of my friends on facebook about concussions. They are both scared about what they are experiencing and don't know what is normal. They have not yet seen the specialists. Today I am very grateful for my brain injury...it has allowed me to help others feel not so alone. I allows me to shed some light in a very dark spot. It allows me to give them some direction and maybe even a sense of control (to some extent) back (because they have a bit of a clue of what needs to happen next). I am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my life so that I might share with others.
There really isn't anything hugely important to blog about really. Life just keeps rolling along. Every day is something new.
However, there have been notable things that have happened I suppose.
1) Back in March I applied for the Colorado Burlesque Festival. My mentors told me I was ready for festival performances so I believed them and I put myself out there. That was pretty scary stuff. I didn't have a good, professional video of the piece I wanted to submit, so Tracy caught it on our cell phones at home. *laugh* I submitted it that night. And I found out last week that I was no accepted. There was a small gaggle of us Boise performers who applied and as far as I can tell only one of us was accepted. Yay for Juniper Rose, I could not be happier for her! I was rejected. It's not the first time I have put myself out on the line for a performance. I have applied to be a featured storyteller for events here in town and have been rejected. It's hard not to take this personally sometimes, especially when the piece is so personal. However, I am happy to say that I did not take this rejection personally. I was a bit sad, but I was not torn to shreds. It's a matter of life. Out in the world, there are thousands and millions of people out there wanting to grab just a stream of light on their artistry, and you artistry has to fit what the producers are looking for to fill their show. It's not a reflection of how good you are; it is simply about what the producers feel will fit their show best. Somewhere along the line, I have grown as a performer. Yay!
2) Nick birthday came and went. It was gearing up to be a very difficult day. I didn't' think it would be so hard. We had planned on a fire pit night. We invited Suzy to join us but did not really think she would come. She has pretty much cut us out of her life (which I guess is what she needs to do to heal and move on). We wanted her here and when we she messaged us that day saying she was not coming, it did feel like a little punch to the gut. But it wasn't totally unexpected. It just made the day a bit harder. Ever since she moved out, we have been dealing with the grief of not just losing Nick, but also losing the daughter in love we have loved for so many years. We love her and only want her to be happy and want the best for her. Everyone in the family was "feeling it". Naomi asked "is anyone else coming tonight?" I knew what she meant. I simply replied, "It is just the 4 of us." Thankfully, Jared and Breezy knew that Nick's birthday would be difficult and they drove from Twin Falls just to be with us that night. There was laughter and love as we celebrated Nick and Jared and Breezy's baby boy in the oven! It ended up being a beautiful day! So grateful for our bonus kids!
3) I realized the other day that days, weeks, months have gone by. When I made the decision to get off of the "anniversary train" when it came to grief. Yes, we did just celebrate Nick's birthday, and the days leading up to it were a bit emotional (but not because of Nicks death). We will always remember his birthday and the day he was taken from us. But I realized that I don't remember the exact months he has been gone. I realize that the 10th of the month comes and goes and I don't think about it. I am grateful that I am able to celebrate and live my life without always feeling the heavy weight that comes with counting down till the next anniversary or reminder of him being gone. I am very grateful for the constant reminders and visitations from Nick. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is always with us and that is all that matters to me.
4) One of Nick and Suzy's friends sent me a link to Nick's myspace account and I got to look through the pictures there last night. I loved seeing the photos he took. I loved looking at life through his eyes. He had such an amazing way of capturing life with a camera lens! I loved looking at his hippy clothes. I loved looking at pictures of him and his brother and sister and the love they all shared. I loved seeing pictures with him and Suzy and how much they loved each other. I loved remembering the happy times..the simpler times. I miss him. I miss her. I miss what my family was. This new normal is hard to get used to, but getting used to, I must do and I am finally coming to terms with that, and I'm grateful for that.
5) Nate has been sharing some of his music with me. I don't talk about it much..mostly cause Nate doesn't share it with me much. But Nate has an excellent voice and a very raw talent. It is his music that keeps him sane after Nick's death. It is how he copes. It is how he expresses himself. Every once in a while, he shares a new beat he has created or a new song he just let free flow while he recorded. He created a piece last night about missing Nick. He let me listen to it today and it brought me to tears. I wasn't crying cause I was sad.. I was crying because it was beautiful and because he shared something so intimate with me. Nate has such a beautiful, gentle soul and his music is so pure and honest.
6) They say the proof is in the pudding. I guess this is true when it comes to measure whether or not we are moving on with life. We moved into this house a month before Nick was taken from us. We had huge plans for the back yard. We had huge plans for a big house warming party. But all of that came to a screeching halt (obviously). But now, here we are. Today an electrician has been at my house all day long installing the wiring we need for he new hot tub that we have ordered. The concrete guy comes in two weeks or so. The hot tub should be installed by May 4th. Tracy and I have been in the back yard getting things cleaned up and prepped for the big additions. Things are finally falling into place. We are finally getting things moving and making this house our sanctuary and our home. We are moving forward with life and creating spaces to celebrate with friends and family. It feels good.
Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows, but it sure feels good to be on the upswing. I have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to work out. That relationships will heal as they are meant to (or not). I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I can only infuse the situation with love. I can only love myself, my family, and those around me. I can't force them to accept my love..but I can love without exception or condition which is what I will continue to do. I am forgiving those who have hurt me, and as I type his Michaeleen Blair's name popped into my head. Yes, even the woman who took my son from me. I forgive her (not for her sake, but for mine). Before Nick was taken from us, I was a beacon of joy and love and light. It's time to reignite that and be who I was meant to be all along. Bad things happen in life, but we don't have to let those things dictate how we live our lives. We get to choose how we react to those things.
Oh ya... one more thing...
7) In the last week, I have been approached by 2 of my friends on facebook about concussions. They are both scared about what they are experiencing and don't know what is normal. They have not yet seen the specialists. Today I am very grateful for my brain injury...it has allowed me to help others feel not so alone. I allows me to shed some light in a very dark spot. It allows me to give them some direction and maybe even a sense of control (to some extent) back (because they have a bit of a clue of what needs to happen next). I am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my life so that I might share with others.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Mach 29, 2016 The Struggle Is Real
Okay so time to be 100% up front and honest about what is going on in my head....
I am dealing with depression. I have been denying this issue for a while (always had something else to blame it on). But with brain injury treatment over, hysterectomy over, house drama over, what is left is now undeniable. I do my best to find distractions and find ways to keep me going. Dancing and Burlesque are huge helps. But in the last couple of weeks (post Marathong) I have been really feeling it. I felt it in the weeks leading up to Marathong, but once Marathong was over and even after the Bernie rally and Caucus, I was just spent and it has really hit me.
Part of the "let down" I am feeling may be the over stimulated brain feeling I get after working hard and not giving myself enough brain breaks. I recognize the symptoms. I have made quite a few mistakes while ordering things on line, or even while I'm diving. One day, I went out to the car to go somewhere. I sat down in the car, put my seat belt on and went to put the keys in the car only to find out that I left my keys and my purse in the house. There are lots of signs that I am working the brain harder and not giving it enough time to rest. In an effort to relax my brain, I sit on the couch and do nothing but watch TV (which I know is not REALLY resting my brain). I need complete brain shut down for it to help.
Anyway, whatever the case, I *feel* depressed. I do have happy pills that were prescribed to me during all of the house drama directly after my hysterectomy. I felt better so I stopped taking them. Apparently I still need them. I just keep forgetting to take them, and lets be honest, I'm not a huge fan of pills (no matter what they are..that's how I got pregnant with Nick.) Mostly I just keep reminding myself of the things I have to be grateful for and I do my best to keep myself distracted with creative things. I have a big burlesque show in April to prepare for; I need to really start focusing on that. That should help. I also have a routine to choreo for a show hoping to do in May. Then there is all he belly dance stuff I need to be ready for. It's not like I don't have stuff to do or focus on. But the "not wanting to do it" is what tells me that I am feeling depressed.
So there is that little tidbit of honesty. I didn't say that for a pitty party; just finally admitting it in hopes that it will help me feel better :).
I also had a realization in the last couple of days. I have been talking about the arthritis in my knee and the possibility of surgery. I have been talking about not being able to do things (like run) because of my knee. I have also mentioned that I can still do other things like dance, ride bikes, go to the gym, all sorts of things (even though it still hurts). I mentioned how I have started to move like my mom moves with her arthritic knees, and yes, that bothers me. And then it dawned on me. My knee *just* has arthritis in it. The pain is not due to a torn muscle or anything broken. It is *just* arthritis. Unless I go running or jumping on a hard floor, nothing I do is going to make my knee worse. Yes, there will be pain, but it won't get worse. HOWEVER, by NOT doing anything, health can and will get worse and I will end up like my 78 year old mom, and I'm only 47. That is not where I want to be. So back to the gym!!!! I will do what I can do to build my leg muscles and keep them strong. I will do what I can to increase my range of motion and flexibility. I will work though the pain. If I do indeed need to have a knee replacement, weak muscles will only make that healing process much more difficult. I need to be strong in order to live my life. I can't just sit around and wait for arthritic pain to go away. I need to live my life with it! I am stronger than that!
So I have spent 2 days in a row at the gym. Yesterday, I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike and then another 30-45 minutes doing free weights for my upper body, some wall sits, brides, leg raises, clams for my knee/quad specific PT and I threw the 6# medicine ball at the rebounder 50 times (for anger management). Today I spent 40 minutes on the elliptical followed by a round of leg presses for more knee/quad rehab. Then there is all of the dancing I do. But the gym is what is important. I also want to start getting out to do some hiking here soon. Nothing crazy steep, but some gentle climbs will be good for my quads.
The struggle is real. The pain in my knee is real. The depression is real. However, being an active participant in my life and reaching my goals and doing things that make me smile are just as real! I have so much to be grateful for. I have so much to look forward to. And I have so many positive things to do in this present moment. So yes.. even if the the struggle and pain are real... so is gratitude, creativity and love!
I am dealing with depression. I have been denying this issue for a while (always had something else to blame it on). But with brain injury treatment over, hysterectomy over, house drama over, what is left is now undeniable. I do my best to find distractions and find ways to keep me going. Dancing and Burlesque are huge helps. But in the last couple of weeks (post Marathong) I have been really feeling it. I felt it in the weeks leading up to Marathong, but once Marathong was over and even after the Bernie rally and Caucus, I was just spent and it has really hit me.
Part of the "let down" I am feeling may be the over stimulated brain feeling I get after working hard and not giving myself enough brain breaks. I recognize the symptoms. I have made quite a few mistakes while ordering things on line, or even while I'm diving. One day, I went out to the car to go somewhere. I sat down in the car, put my seat belt on and went to put the keys in the car only to find out that I left my keys and my purse in the house. There are lots of signs that I am working the brain harder and not giving it enough time to rest. In an effort to relax my brain, I sit on the couch and do nothing but watch TV (which I know is not REALLY resting my brain). I need complete brain shut down for it to help.
Anyway, whatever the case, I *feel* depressed. I do have happy pills that were prescribed to me during all of the house drama directly after my hysterectomy. I felt better so I stopped taking them. Apparently I still need them. I just keep forgetting to take them, and lets be honest, I'm not a huge fan of pills (no matter what they are..that's how I got pregnant with Nick.) Mostly I just keep reminding myself of the things I have to be grateful for and I do my best to keep myself distracted with creative things. I have a big burlesque show in April to prepare for; I need to really start focusing on that. That should help. I also have a routine to choreo for a show hoping to do in May. Then there is all he belly dance stuff I need to be ready for. It's not like I don't have stuff to do or focus on. But the "not wanting to do it" is what tells me that I am feeling depressed.
So there is that little tidbit of honesty. I didn't say that for a pitty party; just finally admitting it in hopes that it will help me feel better :).
I also had a realization in the last couple of days. I have been talking about the arthritis in my knee and the possibility of surgery. I have been talking about not being able to do things (like run) because of my knee. I have also mentioned that I can still do other things like dance, ride bikes, go to the gym, all sorts of things (even though it still hurts). I mentioned how I have started to move like my mom moves with her arthritic knees, and yes, that bothers me. And then it dawned on me. My knee *just* has arthritis in it. The pain is not due to a torn muscle or anything broken. It is *just* arthritis. Unless I go running or jumping on a hard floor, nothing I do is going to make my knee worse. Yes, there will be pain, but it won't get worse. HOWEVER, by NOT doing anything, health can and will get worse and I will end up like my 78 year old mom, and I'm only 47. That is not where I want to be. So back to the gym!!!! I will do what I can do to build my leg muscles and keep them strong. I will do what I can to increase my range of motion and flexibility. I will work though the pain. If I do indeed need to have a knee replacement, weak muscles will only make that healing process much more difficult. I need to be strong in order to live my life. I can't just sit around and wait for arthritic pain to go away. I need to live my life with it! I am stronger than that!
So I have spent 2 days in a row at the gym. Yesterday, I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike and then another 30-45 minutes doing free weights for my upper body, some wall sits, brides, leg raises, clams for my knee/quad specific PT and I threw the 6# medicine ball at the rebounder 50 times (for anger management). Today I spent 40 minutes on the elliptical followed by a round of leg presses for more knee/quad rehab. Then there is all of the dancing I do. But the gym is what is important. I also want to start getting out to do some hiking here soon. Nothing crazy steep, but some gentle climbs will be good for my quads.
The struggle is real. The pain in my knee is real. The depression is real. However, being an active participant in my life and reaching my goals and doing things that make me smile are just as real! I have so much to be grateful for. I have so much to look forward to. And I have so many positive things to do in this present moment. So yes.. even if the the struggle and pain are real... so is gratitude, creativity and love!
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Mach 26, 2016 The Kind of "Old" I Want To Be
I have never really lived in a neighborhood that had a great deal of Chinese people living there. For the most part, ethnic diversity in my neighborhoods could be summed up by 3 different cultures: African American, Mexican, and Indian. (Granted in South Florida, there was a whole slew of different cultures, but we only lived there a few months.) So the very first time I went to China Town in San Francisco and saw a large group of people practicing Tai Chi in the public park, I was mesmerized. These were not "young" people. The elders of China Town amazed me. Not just the ones in the park practicing Tai Chi, but all around town. They were strong, healthy and vital.
Once I left China Town, I didn't give it much thought.
My mom has always been a force to be reckoned with. I remember being in junior high and my mom was in her early 40's and she was playing softball with the high schoolers and young adults of our church. She walked 5 miles a day just for a stroll. She wore us out in England and I had to beg for a day off of touring just so I could rest. She was constantly on the go. Even as she was in her 60's going into he 70's she was working out with a personal trainer three times a week and in the gym 6 days a week and she was taking regular Zumba classes (not the senior citizen kind). At nearly 70 years old, she could spend an entire day at Disney World and not blink an eye. She was inspiring!
Life took a turn. My dad died. My mom started hanging out with a man who was not as active as she was. Mom fell a couple of times and broke her elbow and hip. She had a couple of surgeries. She had a hip replacement. And things just didn't really get a whole lot better for her. The arthritis in her knees has gotten so bad, it is very had for her to get up out of a chair or in and out of her car. She has lost range of motion in her arms. She can't walk a quarter of a mile without needing to rest. She tells me, "I never thought I would FEEL this old." She gets discouraged, "I don't want to be walking around with a cane and/or walker like the rest of the people in my apartment complex." My mom is now 78 yeas old. She is back in the gym doing her best to keep moving and stay strong.
I watched her get on and off he recumbent bike. She has to lift her legs with he hands to get her legs over the machines. To get out of a chair and some of the exercise equipment, she has to rock back and forth to get the momentum to get her up on her feet. And I see it. I see the resemblance of motions I am doing now in order to compensate for my left knee that I been seeing the doctor about. There are many times, I am pulling my leg up because the pain to move it on its own is just too great. And I realize that by doing this, I am losing muscle in that leg. It is a vicious circle. My mom was NOT like this at 47 years old. But I am. And it would be a lie to say that it doesn't scare me a bit.
So today, I was driving home from breakfast, and I came across and interesting site. There is an elderly Chinese couple who live in a house down the street. I see them out walking together every day. I do not know how far they walk, but I would gather to say its at least a mile every day. They don't hold hands. I rarely see them talk. But they are always together walking. But today, I drove passed their house and I saw the man outside with a basketball and he threw it. He didn't just toss it. It was an out right throw! He had full range of motion in his arms, and he is strong. I didn't see who he was playing with. Then about an hour later, I went back out and he was still out there playing basketball, only this time, I got a good look at who he was playing with. It was his wife. They were bouncing and throwing this ball around like teenagers. And she was doing some stretches on the ground... some deep lunges. I could only think two thoughts: 1) Wow! It's so cool to see them out playing like kids 2) Look at her stretching! There is no way my knee could tolerate that!
Seeing this elderly Chinese couple every day truly inspires me. I want that to be me and Tracy. I want to be the couple that walks together every day (only we would be holding hands). I want to be the couple that is outside throwing around a ball and playing like we were teenagers. I want to be healthy and spry! I wanna give something for the young kids to talk about!
I am really trying not to have a "whoa as me" moment with my knee. I keep telling myself to power though..suck it up. But damn its painful! There is a point when I straighten out my knee where it feels like it is about to explode, then it pops and there is no pain. But man.....it huts like none other in that point of the motion. I have been dealing with this pain since January....that kind of constant pain takes a toll. *laugh* I will get though this. I know what I want my life to look like, and right now, this is not it. *laugh* I wanna be that elderly Chinese couple! I wanna be that kind of old!
Once I left China Town, I didn't give it much thought.
My mom has always been a force to be reckoned with. I remember being in junior high and my mom was in her early 40's and she was playing softball with the high schoolers and young adults of our church. She walked 5 miles a day just for a stroll. She wore us out in England and I had to beg for a day off of touring just so I could rest. She was constantly on the go. Even as she was in her 60's going into he 70's she was working out with a personal trainer three times a week and in the gym 6 days a week and she was taking regular Zumba classes (not the senior citizen kind). At nearly 70 years old, she could spend an entire day at Disney World and not blink an eye. She was inspiring!
Life took a turn. My dad died. My mom started hanging out with a man who was not as active as she was. Mom fell a couple of times and broke her elbow and hip. She had a couple of surgeries. She had a hip replacement. And things just didn't really get a whole lot better for her. The arthritis in her knees has gotten so bad, it is very had for her to get up out of a chair or in and out of her car. She has lost range of motion in her arms. She can't walk a quarter of a mile without needing to rest. She tells me, "I never thought I would FEEL this old." She gets discouraged, "I don't want to be walking around with a cane and/or walker like the rest of the people in my apartment complex." My mom is now 78 yeas old. She is back in the gym doing her best to keep moving and stay strong.
I watched her get on and off he recumbent bike. She has to lift her legs with he hands to get her legs over the machines. To get out of a chair and some of the exercise equipment, she has to rock back and forth to get the momentum to get her up on her feet. And I see it. I see the resemblance of motions I am doing now in order to compensate for my left knee that I been seeing the doctor about. There are many times, I am pulling my leg up because the pain to move it on its own is just too great. And I realize that by doing this, I am losing muscle in that leg. It is a vicious circle. My mom was NOT like this at 47 years old. But I am. And it would be a lie to say that it doesn't scare me a bit.
So today, I was driving home from breakfast, and I came across and interesting site. There is an elderly Chinese couple who live in a house down the street. I see them out walking together every day. I do not know how far they walk, but I would gather to say its at least a mile every day. They don't hold hands. I rarely see them talk. But they are always together walking. But today, I drove passed their house and I saw the man outside with a basketball and he threw it. He didn't just toss it. It was an out right throw! He had full range of motion in his arms, and he is strong. I didn't see who he was playing with. Then about an hour later, I went back out and he was still out there playing basketball, only this time, I got a good look at who he was playing with. It was his wife. They were bouncing and throwing this ball around like teenagers. And she was doing some stretches on the ground... some deep lunges. I could only think two thoughts: 1) Wow! It's so cool to see them out playing like kids 2) Look at her stretching! There is no way my knee could tolerate that!
Seeing this elderly Chinese couple every day truly inspires me. I want that to be me and Tracy. I want to be the couple that walks together every day (only we would be holding hands). I want to be the couple that is outside throwing around a ball and playing like we were teenagers. I want to be healthy and spry! I wanna give something for the young kids to talk about!
I am really trying not to have a "whoa as me" moment with my knee. I keep telling myself to power though..suck it up. But damn its painful! There is a point when I straighten out my knee where it feels like it is about to explode, then it pops and there is no pain. But man.....it huts like none other in that point of the motion. I have been dealing with this pain since January....that kind of constant pain takes a toll. *laugh* I will get though this. I know what I want my life to look like, and right now, this is not it. *laugh* I wanna be that elderly Chinese couple! I wanna be that kind of old!
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