and some realizations...
There really isn't anything hugely important to blog about really. Life just keeps rolling along. Every day is something new.
However, there have been notable things that have happened I suppose.
1) Back in March I applied for the Colorado Burlesque Festival. My mentors told me I was ready for festival performances so I believed them and I put myself out there. That was pretty scary stuff. I didn't have a good, professional video of the piece I wanted to submit, so Tracy caught it on our cell phones at home. *laugh* I submitted it that night. And I found out last week that I was no accepted. There was a small gaggle of us Boise performers who applied and as far as I can tell only one of us was accepted. Yay for Juniper Rose, I could not be happier for her! I was rejected. It's not the first time I have put myself out on the line for a performance. I have applied to be a featured storyteller for events here in town and have been rejected. It's hard not to take this personally sometimes, especially when the piece is so personal. However, I am happy to say that I did not take this rejection personally. I was a bit sad, but I was not torn to shreds. It's a matter of life. Out in the world, there are thousands and millions of people out there wanting to grab just a stream of light on their artistry, and you artistry has to fit what the producers are looking for to fill their show. It's not a reflection of how good you are; it is simply about what the producers feel will fit their show best. Somewhere along the line, I have grown as a performer. Yay!
2) Nick birthday came and went. It was gearing up to be a very difficult day. I didn't' think it would be so hard. We had planned on a fire pit night. We invited Suzy to join us but did not really think she would come. She has pretty much cut us out of her life (which I guess is what she needs to do to heal and move on). We wanted her here and when we she messaged us that day saying she was not coming, it did feel like a little punch to the gut. But it wasn't totally unexpected. It just made the day a bit harder. Ever since she moved out, we have been dealing with the grief of not just losing Nick, but also losing the daughter in love we have loved for so many years. We love her and only want her to be happy and want the best for her. Everyone in the family was "feeling it". Naomi asked "is anyone else coming tonight?" I knew what she meant. I simply replied, "It is just the 4 of us." Thankfully, Jared and Breezy knew that Nick's birthday would be difficult and they drove from Twin Falls just to be with us that night. There was laughter and love as we celebrated Nick and Jared and Breezy's baby boy in the oven! It ended up being a beautiful day! So grateful for our bonus kids!
3) I realized the other day that days, weeks, months have gone by. When I made the decision to get off of the "anniversary train" when it came to grief. Yes, we did just celebrate Nick's birthday, and the days leading up to it were a bit emotional (but not because of Nicks death). We will always remember his birthday and the day he was taken from us. But I realized that I don't remember the exact months he has been gone. I realize that the 10th of the month comes and goes and I don't think about it. I am grateful that I am able to celebrate and live my life without always feeling the heavy weight that comes with counting down till the next anniversary or reminder of him being gone. I am very grateful for the constant reminders and visitations from Nick. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is always with us and that is all that matters to me.
4) One of Nick and Suzy's friends sent me a link to Nick's myspace account and I got to look through the pictures there last night. I loved seeing the photos he took. I loved looking at life through his eyes. He had such an amazing way of capturing life with a camera lens! I loved looking at his hippy clothes. I loved looking at pictures of him and his brother and sister and the love they all shared. I loved seeing pictures with him and Suzy and how much they loved each other. I loved remembering the happy times..the simpler times. I miss him. I miss her. I miss what my family was. This new normal is hard to get used to, but getting used to, I must do and I am finally coming to terms with that, and I'm grateful for that.
5) Nate has been sharing some of his music with me. I don't talk about it much..mostly cause Nate doesn't share it with me much. But Nate has an excellent voice and a very raw talent. It is his music that keeps him sane after Nick's death. It is how he copes. It is how he expresses himself. Every once in a while, he shares a new beat he has created or a new song he just let free flow while he recorded. He created a piece last night about missing Nick. He let me listen to it today and it brought me to tears. I wasn't crying cause I was sad.. I was crying because it was beautiful and because he shared something so intimate with me. Nate has such a beautiful, gentle soul and his music is so pure and honest.
6) They say the proof is in the pudding. I guess this is true when it comes to measure whether or not we are moving on with life. We moved into this house a month before Nick was taken from us. We had huge plans for the back yard. We had huge plans for a big house warming party. But all of that came to a screeching halt (obviously). But now, here we are. Today an electrician has been at my house all day long installing the wiring we need for he new hot tub that we have ordered. The concrete guy comes in two weeks or so. The hot tub should be installed by May 4th. Tracy and I have been in the back yard getting things cleaned up and prepped for the big additions. Things are finally falling into place. We are finally getting things moving and making this house our sanctuary and our home. We are moving forward with life and creating spaces to celebrate with friends and family. It feels good.
Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows, but it sure feels good to be on the upswing. I have faith that all will work out the way it is supposed to work out. That relationships will heal as they are meant to (or not). I am not attached to the outcome anymore. I can only infuse the situation with love. I can only love myself, my family, and those around me. I can't force them to accept my love..but I can love without exception or condition which is what I will continue to do. I am forgiving those who have hurt me, and as I type his Michaeleen Blair's name popped into my head. Yes, even the woman who took my son from me. I forgive her (not for her sake, but for mine). Before Nick was taken from us, I was a beacon of joy and love and light. It's time to reignite that and be who I was meant to be all along. Bad things happen in life, but we don't have to let those things dictate how we live our lives. We get to choose how we react to those things.
Oh ya... one more thing...
7) In the last week, I have been approached by 2 of my friends on facebook about concussions. They are both scared about what they are experiencing and don't know what is normal. They have not yet seen the specialists. Today I am very grateful for my brain injury...it has allowed me to help others feel not so alone. I allows me to shed some light in a very dark spot. It allows me to give them some direction and maybe even a sense of control (to some extent) back (because they have a bit of a clue of what needs to happen next). I am grateful for the experiences that have shaped my life so that I might share with others.
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