At the beginning of the year, I created a list of things I wanted to get one this year. They were goals. The idea was to focus on art, authenticity and spreading my wings and trying new things. I have checked quite a few things off of my list or have at least made some serious progress. Other things have fallen by the way side but have been replaced with new things. Re-evaluating goals is a good thing.
So...... here we go:
1) My natural hair color is still growing out. It's not as gray as I thought it would be. I also bought 2 new wigs (my first ever) to wear for performances and fun. One is red and crazy; the other is long brown with a bit of red and purple. Both are gorgeous and totally me!
2) I wanted to get Safety Dance piece performed before summer break, and I did! I also wanted to get a duet with Chiffon done by September. We have made progress on this. Choreo is written and costumes decided. We are on track! I wanted to sing on stage before the end of the year.... that might happen. Not sure yet. But I have also put together 3 brand new acts....which were not on the list!
3) I wanted to create new art every week. I do not think this has happened. I have been very busy with burlesque. My "art" has been spent in costuming and choreographing. I am pretty happy with where my creativity is taking me. I am reaching out and going in directions I never thought I would with my burlesque. I am creating characters that I never thought I would. I even have a creepy Mary Poppins coming up, and it is totally taking me outside of my comfort zone. I have sewn (with Tracy's help) a new costume. I have created new pasties and working with new "mediums".
4) I had a list of "new things" I wanted to do that included fencing and improv classss. I'm not sure that is going to get done..but who knows. It still might. However, I HAVE put myself out there and applied for 2 new burlesque festivals out of state. Colorado turned me down. I'm still waiting to hear the results from AburlyQ in NM. Putting myself out there is a bit scary, bu I am learning so much about myself as a performer and as a human being. The other new thing I have done was a promo photo shoot. I have never hired a professional photographer for the soul purpose of taking pictures of just me. I had 3 outfit changes...costumes. I stripped in font of the camera and posed and had so much fun! I need to loosen up in front of a camera. I can't wait to see the pictures. I also went to my first rave. It was quite the experience. I just love to dance and it was my friends birthday. It was fun. It's not something I plan on doing all of the time, but it was an experience.
It's almost the end of April and I think I am doing pretty good with my goals and living an authentic life. I am learning what it means to be "me" again. I love doing burlesque. I love the personal growth it is providing me. I am going from this socially awkward person to someone who enjoys meeting new people and being socially engaging. My burlesque persona is definitely more out going than I am usually, but she is an extension of who I am. Putting myself out there and setting myself up for rejection is a huge growth opportunity. Being able to express myself through performance is so freeing and amazing. Designing costumes and storylines feeds my soul. And doing all of these things allows me to set an example for my children... to reach for their goals, put themselves out there and take rejection and turn it into growth.
I am also finding more and more that I love my burly family. I spent all of my life hating my body. I grew up thinking I was fat and unworthy. As an adult I looked at other women and still felt like I wasn't good enough. I am too awkward. I am too ugly. I am too fat. I am not good enough. All of those things have gone through my head. "Other women are better than me." For years I have sat in the audience of burlesque shows and just wished I could be on of those women. And here I am. I AM one of those women. But more importantly, I find myself back stage with amazingly talented and beautiful women and I am accepted as one of them. They are telling me that I am beautiful. Thy are telling me that I am talented. Today at the photo shoot, my mentors kept telling me how cute or pretty or sexy I was. It's a sisterhood in which none of us are competition...but sisters who love and accept and support each other. This doesn't happen just at stage time, but as friends in street clothes in our personal lives. We are a family, and I get to be part of it. And slowly this family of mine is growing to include performers from other states! It's a beautiful thing!
I am grateful for the life I get to live!!!! It's a wonderful adventure!
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