Okay so time to be 100% up front and honest about what is going on in my head....
I am dealing with depression. I have been denying this issue for a while (always had something else to blame it on). But with brain injury treatment over, hysterectomy over, house drama over, what is left is now undeniable. I do my best to find distractions and find ways to keep me going. Dancing and Burlesque are huge helps. But in the last couple of weeks (post Marathong) I have been really feeling it. I felt it in the weeks leading up to Marathong, but once Marathong was over and even after the Bernie rally and Caucus, I was just spent and it has really hit me.
Part of the "let down" I am feeling may be the over stimulated brain feeling I get after working hard and not giving myself enough brain breaks. I recognize the symptoms. I have made quite a few mistakes while ordering things on line, or even while I'm diving. One day, I went out to the car to go somewhere. I sat down in the car, put my seat belt on and went to put the keys in the car only to find out that I left my keys and my purse in the house. There are lots of signs that I am working the brain harder and not giving it enough time to rest. In an effort to relax my brain, I sit on the couch and do nothing but watch TV (which I know is not REALLY resting my brain). I need complete brain shut down for it to help.
Anyway, whatever the case, I *feel* depressed. I do have happy pills that were prescribed to me during all of the house drama directly after my hysterectomy. I felt better so I stopped taking them. Apparently I still need them. I just keep forgetting to take them, and lets be honest, I'm not a huge fan of pills (no matter what they are..that's how I got pregnant with Nick.) Mostly I just keep reminding myself of the things I have to be grateful for and I do my best to keep myself distracted with creative things. I have a big burlesque show in April to prepare for; I need to really start focusing on that. That should help. I also have a routine to choreo for a show hoping to do in May. Then there is all he belly dance stuff I need to be ready for. It's not like I don't have stuff to do or focus on. But the "not wanting to do it" is what tells me that I am feeling depressed.
So there is that little tidbit of honesty. I didn't say that for a pitty party; just finally admitting it in hopes that it will help me feel better :).
I also had a realization in the last couple of days. I have been talking about the arthritis in my knee and the possibility of surgery. I have been talking about not being able to do things (like run) because of my knee. I have also mentioned that I can still do other things like dance, ride bikes, go to the gym, all sorts of things (even though it still hurts). I mentioned how I have started to move like my mom moves with her arthritic knees, and yes, that bothers me. And then it dawned on me. My knee *just* has arthritis in it. The pain is not due to a torn muscle or anything broken. It is *just* arthritis. Unless I go running or jumping on a hard floor, nothing I do is going to make my knee worse. Yes, there will be pain, but it won't get worse. HOWEVER, by NOT doing anything, health can and will get worse and I will end up like my 78 year old mom, and I'm only 47. That is not where I want to be. So back to the gym!!!! I will do what I can do to build my leg muscles and keep them strong. I will do what I can to increase my range of motion and flexibility. I will work though the pain. If I do indeed need to have a knee replacement, weak muscles will only make that healing process much more difficult. I need to be strong in order to live my life. I can't just sit around and wait for arthritic pain to go away. I need to live my life with it! I am stronger than that!
So I have spent 2 days in a row at the gym. Yesterday, I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike and then another 30-45 minutes doing free weights for my upper body, some wall sits, brides, leg raises, clams for my knee/quad specific PT and I threw the 6# medicine ball at the rebounder 50 times (for anger management). Today I spent 40 minutes on the elliptical followed by a round of leg presses for more knee/quad rehab. Then there is all of the dancing I do. But the gym is what is important. I also want to start getting out to do some hiking here soon. Nothing crazy steep, but some gentle climbs will be good for my quads.
The struggle is real. The pain in my knee is real. The depression is real. However, being an active participant in my life and reaching my goals and doing things that make me smile are just as real! I have so much to be grateful for. I have so much to look forward to. And I have so many positive things to do in this present moment. So yes.. even if the the struggle and pain are real... so is gratitude, creativity and love!
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