I am not going to lie the last week and a half have been very emotional for me. I have been searching for answers that I wasn't even sure I would be able to find. These questions I kept asking myself centered around Nick's death. I was also spending time getting ready for the Marathong burlesque night where I would be performing Nick's tribute piece. So I was emotionally charged to begin with. But as I sat own to type this out, it dawned on me that Spring is here. The Equinox is tomorrow. The Pagan holiday Ostara is tomorrow. And that is when it all started to make sense to me. Now I know WHY all of his has been happening this week.
Let me start with this nagging question I have had ever since Nick's death. Somewhere in the investigation of his accident, I got it into my head that Nick was riding though a yellow light, and Michaeleen Blair was making a left hand turn at the same yellow light that he was going straight through an that is why the accident occurred. She was charged "at fault" since Nick would have had the right-of-way. But the mom in me..the mom who knows her son has been asking, "Why was he riding through a yellow light without being aware..without having his hands hovering over the breaks that would have saved his life? This story is not adding up in my head." When we went to Florida when he was killed, we saw both his bike and he car at the same time. We tried to place the pieces of the puzzle together. We wanted to understand how our son had died. In all of the stuff we had read, there was no real clear information about the accident other than Michaeleen ran a yellow light and "hit" our son. We also knew Nick had been thrown from his motorcycle and the cause of death was blunt force trauma to his internal organs and that he died on scene (probably impact). We knew he had his his leather jack, steel toed boots, gloves and helmet on. There was no brain trauma. We knew all of that. But that accident itself just wasn't making sense in my head. And yes, for nearly a year and a half, I have been walking around with this lingering question.
(Many women are like this. You cheat on us, we want DETAILS!!!! When, Where, Why, How. How many times. I guess its the same when it comes to death. We want details. They are gory and nobody wants to really hear them, but it helps us heal and move on. It gives us closure. It gives us understanding. And yes, it feeds the control freak in us!)
Anyway, I have been very emotional, and Nick has been sending me angels in the forms of rubber duckies in stores and even his friends to hug me. But he also sent something else. He sent me the answers I had been looking for.
A friend of mine posted something on facebook about "filtered messages" and it prompted me to go look to see what I had. The thing is, back in November, I was searching for 2 very specific emails and facebook messages that I exchanged with people who had seen Nick's accident, and I couldn't find them anywhere. But the day I go looking through the "filtered messages" I instantly find a message dated 11/11/14 (the day after Nick's accident). It was from a woman who had witnessed the accident.
I do not remember ever seeing this message. I am pretty certain that I responded to all of the messages I read back then...including one from a woman who had been at the accident scene and even showed up to Nick's memorial. The message I just read this week had some similarities to the previous messages so its hard for me (with the shock of Nick's death and my brain injury) to be completely certain that I didn't see it. Either way.. .here it was again. I read it. And it said very clearly that Nick did NOT ride though a yellow light; his light was green. This woman saw EVERYTHING. She saw Nick riding before the accident.. she saw the actual accident..and she was at Nick's side until the ambulance arrived.
We have exchanged quite a few messages since I read her initial message. That message had been sitting there for almost a year and a half waiting for me to read it. And Nick made sure I saw it this week. He made sure my questions were answered. He made sure that I was being given peace and closing this chapter of grief so that I could dance free on performance night and start fresh at the Spring Equinox!
But there is more..this woman who stood beside Nick, protecting him until the ambulance came, and I have become friends. I have caught her in her last months of life. She has cancer that is untestable and has been given a prognosis of a couple of months to live. She is moving to be near family. And Nick has asked me to send her rubber duckies to protect her along her journey. This woman shares the same kind of spiritual journey that I do. We have so much in common. And she sees that Nick has orchestrated this... she was there for his passing and now he will be there for hers. It has been a very profound couple of days (right before my tribute performance). It has been a huge blessing.
I know know every detail of that accident. Not just about the green light..but every detail..I know what happened. And I know this because Nick sent her to me at the right time in both of our lives. Each person comes into our lives at the perfect time, and this amazing woman is no different! She even does the same thing I do.... wonder about Michaeleen..if she is still driving (and on her own, she has searched for that info a few times...and she has been angry at Michaeleen just like I have been). Finding her has been a blessing.
For the first time since Nick's death, I actually feel "lighter". I finally feel like I have let go of some major baggage.
Last night right before I went on stage, I received the message of the graphic details of his accident (by graphic, I don't mean gruesome....just things that paint a complete picture..which incidentally was the exact image I had in my head when I heard he had had the accident). Anyway, I got that message JUST before going on stage. I did not read the message. But I knew what was in it. And I was a shaking mess..filled with energy as I danced for Nick. When I got off that stage, I didn't know whether to cry and let out the emotion or what. It was a beautiful moment.. a beautiful feeling.
I am blessed. I am grateful. I am honored.
This life is beautiful and precious. We should celebrate it in every step we take and every breath we breathe. We should cherish the moments we have with friends and family. We should shine our lights every chance we are given (whether it be a smile at a stranger or stripping on a stage). And our hearts should be open to receiving love and light and laughter and messages..cause every question you ask has an answer, you just have to be ready to listen and or see it!
No comments:
Post a Comment