Tracy and I come from families that always brought in people who needed help. My house was a revolving door for single moms (with their kids), or families of 7, or traveling missionaries, or traveling choirs. We always had people coming and going for varying lengths of time. I didn't live in a huge house. At one point I had to share a bed with one of the daughters of a single mom who came to live with us. When we had a family of 7 living with us, they all stayed in the "mother in law room" that was added to our house when my grandmother moved in. All seven of them stayed in there (or their little tiny RV parked in our back drive way. But, we had 7 more mouths to feed and take care of. Tracy's mom brought in people too. Tracy tells me stories about people that lived in his house..whether it was extended family members or people his mom met along the way. Either way, that is the way that we were raised.
More importantly, when my child hood home caught on fire, my family of 6 was scattered among family friends who took us in when we were homeless for a little while. So yes, I know what it is like to have another family take me in, feed me and even clothe me for a little bit.
So I guess this stuff is kind of in our DNA. Tracy and I have always believed, if we have it (or even if we don't really have it) we will help. Though I never really wanted to be that house that had people moving in and moving out. I didn't think it would be fair to my children. I remember how much I didn't like it when I was a kid. But somehow, when Nick came home with a friend who needed help, we didn't think twice. We saw a need and we had the means, so we were there. We were there, until we realized we were just enabling his mom who really needed help. Though we loved this boy who was now pretty much living with us, we were now being taken advantage of (or at least that is what i felt like). We had to start sending this boy home, and we did what we could to help him and help his mom get help. Eventually, this young man made a very difficult decision to live with his dad in a different state because it was what was best for him. I am very proud of the man he has become and grateful that I am still in contact with him. But once we opened that door to him, we found ourselves opening the doors to so many other young people who needed extra love and support. In one other instance we found ourselves fostering another situation that was not healthy for us or the mom or the child who was pretty much living with us. It was time to tell that child that he needed to spend more time at home; his mom needed to take care of him or get the help she needed to take care of him. We have watched him grow up to be an amazing human being with such depth and talent.
We talk about our "Bonus Kids" alot. Why? Because we love them. I'm still friends with so many of them on facebook. Our house was their safe haven when they needed it...and sometimes it required sending them back to their parents houses because we realized that we were just enabling the parent(s).
I love a house full of kids. I really do. My favorite thanksgiving was when we had a house filled with bonus kids from Idaho an Nevada. It was loud. It was crazy. And the roll fight that year was EPIC! (I grew up in a house where holiday dinners were huge... my family of 6 plus boyfriends and girlfriends and grandparents and the random people my mom would invite). That is the way holidays in my house were, and what I love now as an adult. When Nick moved away to Florida, holidays were never quite the same.. except that year we had all he bonus kids here. And THIS right here, is where my accountability starts.....
When Nick moved away, the family felt smaller. When we were all together for vacations, my family was complete. We were loud and happy and playful. But when he and Suzy were away, things just weren't the same. Kids grow up, they move out; it's what they are supposed to do. But that doesn't stop the longing in my heart for a house filled with the laughter of children. Then Nick died. A gaping hole was left in my heart. It was left in my family. It was felt in our house.
So when Nate asked if Tricia could move in for a month while she got a job and found a new place to live, I didn't think twice. (Well, okay, I might have thought twice, but it didn't stop me from saying yes.) We didn't want her to be homeless, and we wanted to give her a "leg up". To be honest, we didn't really even know much about her. But I wasn't gonna let her be homeless. We had room. We had the means, of course I was going to help her. A month turned into two, two turned into 6.... As time went on, and we got to know her a little bit better and learned a little bit more about her situation, we started calling her family. We took her on family vacation with us. We loved her. We told her that we loved her. When she and Nate got into fights, we told her she could move into the office/guest room until she could move out on her own. We even took her side over Nate's sometimes. We even told her, once you are family, you are always family, even when you move out, we will always be here to help you. (She told us she has no real family to help her.... everyone needs a family.. we would be hers.)
Then things went crazy awry. Suzy's boyfriend Tom was now staying at our place for over a month. At first it was "cool". Again, there was laughter. ALL of my kids were laughing and hanging out. It was like Nick was here. Then, there was an energetic shift. (My guess is, we realized he wasn't Nick.) That was more than we could handle. Tricia was not making moves to move out. All of a sudden, my house was feeling very crowded and stressed. We realized these adult children wanted to live like adults (living with their boyfriends/girflriends) but they wanted to do it rent free under our roof This was never something we ever agreed to or wanted. We always believed that if you wanted to live with a boyfriend/girlfriend then you need to live like an adult out on your own. We started asking adult children to create exit strategies. (I know you all have read this before...please bear with me.)
Lots of things happened in our house that I won't get into. No one needs to know those details. But I will say that Suzy moved out a week ago and Tricia moved out yesterday (she moved in with Suzy and Tom... as far as I was old by Nate. Neither Suzy or Tricia told me where they were going or when they were going nor did they say "goodbye".) To be fair, we saw Suzy packing and had heard from apartment complexes, we just didn't know Suzy had been approved or that she was moving right then and Tricia was given a date to move out by (based on an agreement we created with her a few weeks ago......it was a list of things to accomplish by certain dates and consequences if she didn't get them done. All of that was created in order to help her become independent and reach her goal of getting he son back in her custody). She didn't meet the first requirement of getting her Idaho drivers license by the dead line, so we told her she had 3 weeks from the time she didn't get her license to move out.. as per the agreement. There were suicide threats made and the police called. I take those threats very seriously. Anyway, she has been very angry with us and she moved out yesterday.
I have been feeling very stressed, very hurt, very conflicted and confused. How could I tell someone that I love them in one breath and kick them out in the next (even though I knew she had a place she could land). We brought Tricia in to prevent her from being homeless, and now I was making her homeless (or a least that was my thought process). It was making me crazy sick. And more importantly, WHY and HOW did I allow this to happen? How did I allow 1 month to turn into so many? How did I allow myself to love someone I didn't even know that well? What do I need to learn from this?
On Monday I had lunch with my best friend Michelle (who has been watching all of this) and Tuesday I had lunch with Brandon who has also been watching all of this. Both of these friends are very different in their approach to life. I also spent time visiting with my friend Elizabeth who is a counselor. All 3 of these people have helped me enormously in dealing with all of this. And by last night, I had a very clear vision of my accountability and responsibility in this situation.
Here are my insights:
1) How did I let this happen? Easy...I was not a year into mourning the loss of my son. Before he was dead, I missed the loud crazy laughter of a full house. It was even more pronounced since his death. Being who I am (from the get go) I am prone to bring people in who need help. But with the added sadness, bringing in someone who made us laugh..someone who was not grieving felt good. And, she was making Nate happy and giving Nate someone to cry with. And since I had a gaping hole in my heart, I was allowed myself to love Tricia and bring her in as family instead of someone who just needed help. In a way, I was using her..and that is horrible.
2) When I was told it was for a month, I should have written up an agreement then and there.... That is what I have learned from this.
3) From now on, no more accidental or even on purpose live in boyfriends/girlfriends. If you want to live like an adult, then go and be one outside of our home. I never really thought I would need to make that announcement. But I guess looking back at history, I did. *laugh*
4) Look very closely at how I invest my emotions. I would not throw money at an unknown and then get pissed cause I threw my money away. So why would I do the same thing with my emotions. I may live my life with open arms and love unconditionally, but I need to be smarter about who I do that with. Talk to people. Find out who they are. Find out their stories. I have always been a firm believer that children need unconditional love, but I forgot that "kids" in their 20's are not children; they are adults. Yes, they need love too, but they should be treated as adults, not like minors who can not fend for themselves. And every child (no matter what the age) needs boundaries and guidelines in order to grow up.. and sometimes enforcing those boundaries is going to hurt. So when it comes to adults in my life (be smarter, be wiser, look and listen before I invest). Have people earn my trust instead of just giving my trust blindly first. (This is so the opposite of how I am.....but it is a lesson learned). I'm not going to close myself off, but I will be wiser about how I invest my energy and love...especially as I am still healing from grief.
5) I have nothing to feel guilty over. While I do have some accountability in what I fostered, I have nothing to feel guilty about in asking the adult kids to create an exit strategy. I do not have anything to feel guilty about when it comes to asking Tricia to move out when she did not fulfill her end of the housing agreement. Feeling guilty for something that is a result over someone else's choices is just another way of enabling them. Nope. Not going to do that. I am only accountable and responsible for my actions. Time to release and let go.
I'm truly saddened by the way things have played out over the last few months in my house. There have been some good things that have happened as a result of the decisions Tracy and I made back when we asked the girls to create an exit strategy. I hope and I trust that one day, they will look back and see the good in this and their anger and pain will subside. I love them both.
(To be fair....and I need to say this.. before Nick was killed, there were several times when Nate almost found himself out on the streets, too. We also had a written agreement with him that was created in order to help him become an independent adult.......the decisions made with Suzy and Tricia are no different than the decisions made for our own birth children. Of course, when Nick was killed, life had to be re-arranged for Nate. Now with Suzy and Tricia out on their own, we can once again focus on Nate and help him get up on his own two feet.)
Now its time to take these lessons and grow and heal.
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