I decided some time ago to jump off the "Anniversary Train". I know I blogged about this a long time ago, but I saw a talk show that talked about this train and how it really leads to us getting stuck in grief. We wait for the day of the month that our loved one died, we wait for birthdays, we wait for holidays.....and we spend more of our life "dreading" than we do "living". I managed to hop off of the train (for the most part) The 10th of the month comes and goes (usually) without me noticing. But May and June...they have had some hard days.
May is my birthday and mother's day. First of all (and this has nothing to do with my son's death), I don't like my birthday. Somewhere along the line I found this story that I tell myself that my birthday will always suck and I will always be disappointed. I am not sure where that comes from..other than maybe ONE year a LONG time ago, Tracy might have forgotten my birthday or did something that I was disappointed in. But man, I don't remember what happened and certainly, I have had amazing birthdays since then. So why do I hold on to that story. Mother's day is right after my birthday. Since Nick's death, you can imagine how that plays out. Last month, Tracy did his absolute best to make it a good time for me, and I did have a fabulous birthday/mother's day. Of course, Nick was not far from my thoughts.
Fast forward to Dad's day that was this past Sunday. Tracy has not jumped off the anniversary train. (Everyone deals with grief in their own way.) I was in the kitchen making breakfast for Tracy and I heard his phone ring. I came into the living room to see who it was. (I half expected it to be Nick calling. Tracy did too.) I saw his face go from "yay, Nick is calling!" to "no, Nick is dead." Then I saw it change to "Yay! Jared is calling!") Jared is our bonus child...Nate's best friend who spent most of his teenage years with us. He calls us mom and dad and now G-ma Martha and G-pa Tracy (as he is expecting his son next month). Jared's phone call meant the world to Tracy. But that doesn't stop the fact that we all know that Nick is gone. I tried very hard to make it a great day for Tracy. Yes, we found time to laugh. But it was a hard day.. for him.. for me..
We also just had our first family photo shoot since Nick was killed. It was lots of fun, but seeing them and realizing that Nick is not in them is very hard. When I posted pictures to Tracy's facebook wall for Father's day, I started with one of the 3 kids on our last family vacation before Nick was killed. I didnt' know if it would help or hurt Tracy. I love seeing pictures of all 3 of my kids and I never want to forget that I have 3 kids and that Nick is one of them. But when do we stop posting those pictures on Father's or Mother's days? When do we "let go"? Then I posted one of the new pictures of just Tracy, Nate and Omi. It's a beautiful picture.. and that is our family NOW. But it feels odd. Where is that balance? When is it going to feel "normal"? Maybe one of my other angel moms or dads can answer that question.
Yesterday, I couldn't handle it anymore. I cried. Actually, I have been crying off and on (in private) since Sunday. But yesterday, Nate saw it on my face and then held me as I cried.
There are lots of things and feelings I have that I don't talk about on facebook. Lots of changes that have happened in our lives in the last couple of months. I know I talked about the changes as they happened, but I have not talked about the emotional struggles in public..not really. Some of that creeped back up last week and over the weekend. So, yes, I have been dealing with that too.
I also watch my children. Nate and Omi also have their good times and difficult times. I can feel when our family is struggling. We start to feel disconnected. That's when I know its time to do something as a family to bring us back together again. The family photo shoot... father's day... working on the bar.. all of those things help. But when it's over, sometimes I see my kids struggle and my heart aches for them. I know each of us in the family goes through that. We see one of us struggling and we don't know how to help other than to hug... which is the best help we can give.
Today as I was driving home from the grocery store, I was going over a conversation with a new friend of mine. She asked me how long ago Nick died. I had to count the months. Since I have jumped off that train, I don't remember. But today it dawned on em. When our children are babies, we count the months for the first 2 years. "My son is 6 months old." "My son is a year old." My son is 18 months old." Now my son is dead. And when people ask me that question.. I find this ironic. (Is that the right term?)
I remember a conversation decades ago. Another mother was complaining about using "months" as a way of saying hold old a child is. "When do you stop using months, and start using years?" And I asked myself that question today when it comes to Nick's death. "When do I stop using months and start using years?" I guess my answer is 2 years. Once my child turned 2 years old, I just said my child is 2 years old. I guess this will be my answer for when someone asks me how long agin did my son die? In November, it will be 2 years. Right now, it is 19 moths. The 2 year anniversary of Nick's death, I will be at BurlyCon. I survived the 1st year okay, so I thought I would be safe going to BurlyCon this year. Right now, I'm seriously questioning that choice. But what I do know is that Nick would not want me to give up living my life and chasing my dreams. BurlyCon happens the same time every year.....around November 10th.
I'm off that Anniversary Train (for the most part), but I am mindful that the rest of my family is not. Let me tell you, I never thought I would be counting the months since he died like I did when Nick was born. It's a weird juxtaposition and not one that you can prepare for.
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