Okay, so I just got home from the gym. I am 5 weeks post op from my last knee surgery. I have not done much with my legs.. other than walk up stairs occasionally. When I do walk up stairs it hurts. Surgery has helped with some things, yet with others, it hasn't. Last night, I kept waking up in excruciating pain from my knee. Only post surgery, this pain is kind of different. Before surgery, it was because my knee was bent and needed to pop. Now my knee isn't really bent and it doesn't need to pop. It just hurts to hurt. Great. I realize that the next step is partial knee replacement. Fine..whatever. That will happen in December, if I can't get my knee to cooperate by then. But that isn't what this blog is about... not really.
I went to the gym. It hurt like none other to do the 30 minute work out with the little steps we do between weight machines. The leg machines were torture. And I had them on next to no weight! I have lost so much muscle in both of my legs. It's not funny. But the good news in, in a weird turn of events, my abs rocked it today! *laugh*
Before I went to the gym... like last night... I was really beginning to feel bad about myself. Fighting with this knee issue since January has not been pleasant and has pretty much stopped me from doing most of everything that I love to do when it comes to working out. Hiking in the foothills hurts. Roller skating is extremely painful. I have not tried my bike, but I know what its like when my knee hurts, so ya..... Dancing hurts. I have lost alot of balance (which brings another issue into play... I can't fall and hit my head again). I wasn't able to snow board last winter. Yadda yadda yadda. So.. like any good food addicted person, I have turned to food to console my emotions. What happens when you turn to food and you really can't exercise the way you used to? Yup.......that happened. And it's causing me some real self esteem issues. I'm doing my best to work through it and keep my mojo...but I'm telling you, it is difficult.
This isn't about body shaming myself. This is about real life expectations in real life practical situations. This is about the way I feel while being intimate. This is about the way I feel naked. This is about the way I feel when clothes don't fit me properly. And yes, this is about how much easier life is when I am not the size that I am currently. Truth be told, I really miss the body I had when I was running 24 miles just for the fun of it.. not for a medal at the end of a race. I miss the tiny little size 8 pants that I got to wear. I miss the muscle that I had. I miss the balance that I had. I miss how incredible I felt every morning when I got out of bed. I miss the views from atop a mountain that I just hiked up. I miss 100 mile bike rides. I miss 70 mile bike rides along rivers rolling through canyons. I miss the incredible sweat I would get after an amazing night of Zumba. I miss squats. *laugh*
I just read my blog from this day last year. Apparently, I was having the same kind of mojo crisis that I am having today. Interestingly enough, I was concerned about leaving belly dancing. Lots of stuff happened and I felt like it was time to leave belly dancing, but I was afraid to. I was also afraid that I would never burlesque again. A year has gone by. I am officially on a break from belly dancing, but I managed to fight through the mojo issue and get back to burlesque when the season rolled around again last fall, and I don't see that stopping anytime soon. Even in this current mojo crisis, I am burlesquing my way through it.. learning to love my body through all of its stages,sizes and ages. So there is that. LOL. But I wonder.. have I always felt this way at this time of year? If so, why?
I know the last couple of years of my life have been interesting, to say the least. In 2011 I started a health journey that lead me to running that lead me to running an ultra marathon and eating mountains for breakfast. I fell in love with Zumba that lead me to be a Zumba instructor. I fell in love with cycling that lead me to ride 400 miles in a weeks times to raise money for charity. I also found the courage to bellydance and burlesque. It's been an amazing journey with huge successes. It has also been a crazy journey with huge challenges... traumatic brain injury after a winter training session on my bike. 2 knee surgeries. 1 back surgery. 1 hysterectomy. And Nicks' death thrown in there for good measure. In the last 5 years, I have had some HUGE wins and some Huge losses. I know 5 years seems like a long time to most people..but seriously, to me it seems like its just been yesterday. (That may be because I have lost so much time and memory thanks to the TBI.) But I'm sitting here after my gym work out and really feeling like.. "Where did all of this fitness go and how do I get it back?"
I know how to get it back. I have been down this route before. It requires changing my eating. It requires working out. Working out. That's the part that gets me. I can't do what I used to do. I can't do what really got me down to a size 8 to begin with (which is running). Running (as much as I love it) is what hurt my knee to the point of needing a knee replacement. And yes, maybe I have been throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum ever since I stopped running after my back surgery (which was also helped along by running.. and a lack of core strength). The passive aggressive temper tantrum goes something like this: "If I can't run, then fuck everything else! Let's revert back to the way we used to eat. Let's give up working out all together. If I can't run, then its all over with!" What am I? 2 years old????
So, I can't run. And yes, I miss it. I miss so much about it. And yes, right now, even hiking is a painful thing to do. But instead of focussing on what I can't do, maybe I should focus on what I CAN do. I can still use my arms to life weights. There is no reason I can't crush it with my arms. There is no reason I can't do amazing ab workouts to strengthen my core! I can do those things! And yes, I can walk on surfaces that don't require me to do alot of stepping up. I can work on my balance. I can put down the pastries. I can stop buying Ice Cream. I can drink more water. I can go back to cooking good food. I can love myself right where I am. I can let go of the past and stop comparing who I am today to who I was in 2012. How many times have I said that NOW is the only moment we have? How many times have I said that being stuck in the past or worried about our future is a waste of energy and robs us of the goodness that is in this moment right now? The answer? So many freaking times!
So yes... after reading last year's blog, this may be a yearly cycle. (Thank you, Facebook, for showing us memories of things in the past. And thank you, Self, for opening up that blog and re-reading it today.) But just because it looks like a yearly cycle, doesn't mean I have to accept things the way they are. I can choose to break that cycle. I can choose to find the good in my life right in this moment. Like the fact that my abs rocked today's workout. I get to enjoy a lunch date with a burlesque sister as we continue to build our friendship and support each other as we work on our separate routines. I have an amazing hubby who loves me. I have 2 beautiful and healthy children who continue to grow and learn every day. I have a beautiful home and a relaxing outdoor space that this whole family created together. My blessings are abundant.
Here's to getting my mojo back!!!
(***** I am proofing this and re-reading what I wrote. Between March 2011 and October 2013, I ran 2 5ks, 1 10K, 5 half marathons, 4 marathons, 1 50K ultra marathon, rode my first metric century on my bike, rode my first mile century on my bike, rode 400 miles in 1 week on my bike, and became a Zumba instructor. My first knee surgery listed here was in 2012. So In 2012, I had 1 knee surgery (right around this time). In 2013, I bonked my head in January which kept me down for 4 months. January of 2014 I injured my back which kept me down for 5 months until I could have surgery in Late May/Early June. 5 months later, in November, Nick was killed. In 2015 I had a hysterectomy. In 2016 (so far) I have had 1 knee surgery and planning a more serious one in December. In 4 years (so far) that is 4 surgeries that all came with recovery down time before and after injuries...and a TBI that has required quite a bit of down time and changing much of how I exercise. Then there was a death. Umm.. maybe I should give myself a fucking break, don't ya think?????******)
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