I will give a bit of a warning here. This post will likely be lengthy. The content will be about fat guilt, fat shame, weight loss and health. If you are triggered by any of these things, then feel free to exercise self-care and stop reading now. If you choose to continue reading, make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.
For months now I have been dealing with some serious depression that has taken the form of isolating, lethargy, and self-loathing. That may be over simplfying things, I don't know. But it has been bad. At first I thought I escaped Covid without any mental health and physical health issues, but the more things opened up, the more I realized, I did NOT escape Covid without mental health and physical health issues. And about a week ago, or a little over, a Facebook memory popped up with a side by side picture of me from around 2013. The picture was a before shot of me just as I was starting weight watchers in 2011 when I weighed 240# wearing a size 22 and then another shot of me in my favorite bikini weighing in around 180# wearing a size 9. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because of the "skinny" factor or because of the way that I looked, but because it reminded me of just how happy I was back then. I wasn't happy because I was skinny; I was happy because I was taking are of myself. I was setting and reaching goals. I was healthy both physically and emotionally. My lab work showed I was no longer pre-diabetic. My resting heart rate was that of an athlete. I had become an athlete and a dancer. I was living my dreams. I miss that feeling. And that picture that came across my memories really made me feel some deep feelings.
For months, I have been feeling like I needed to do something about my weight/health. Actually, its been about a year (or more) that I have been struggling with what to do. I have friends who have had weight loss surgery and are doing so great with their health. I often think, I would qualify for that surgery. It's certainly a faster way to lose weight, but it is NOT for the faint of heart and its hard work. From my limited understanding, you have to dial in your eating in a specific way before you have the surgery and then after the surgery you dietary restrictions are pretty tight. My response to this is, "If I could change my eating habits to follow those of surgery, then I wouldn't need the surgery to begin with!" I have also seen people gain the weight back after surgery, and I don't want to pay for a surgery that may end up being "useless" (because of my own weakness). So I continued with the way I was going. Every day, every week, every month sinking deeper into a depression and confused about what to do about my weight/health. Back in 2011, when I joined Weight Watchers (WW), a switch was flipped and it felt so easy. (Though after talking to Tracy last night, he said I struggled at the beginning. I do not remember such things.) Anyway, I kept saying, "I need the switch to flip again before I join again. I have already joined once since then and it didn't take. I need that swtich to flip." But it just wasn't flipping. Then that picture came up........I'm not sure it was the flip I needed, but it was enough for me to say, "Enough is enough. You have to do something to take care of yourself, and you gotta start somewhere. Weight Watchers seems like a good place to start."
Why Weight Watchers? Well, I know it works. It's a program that works as long as you continue to work the program. But the most important thing is that it involved going to meetings and being surrounded by people on the same path. I have been isolating, so this was forcing me to get out and DO something with other people involved. This helps with the mental health aspect. It's also an easy plan to follow and allows me to eat whatever I want. There is no judgement about how much I lose or if I gain. There is just support. There is no shaming of any sort. There is no guilt of any sort, and if people are experiencing some kind of guilt, it is worked through and the person is supported and loved through it.
I did end up joining last Friday. I am not at my highest weight from back in 2011, but I am about 8# short of that. I weighed in at 232.8# wearing a size 20. My blood pressure is a little high, and though I have not had my blood work done, I can guarantee you that I am pre-diabetic. I have also been diagnosed with Diverticulosis that is brought on in part by obesity. My mental health is taking a beating. I have a hard time tieing my shoes or buckling up my dress shoes. My clothes are starting to not fit right, and I don't want to buy bigger clothes. I have a hard time getting down and back up from the floor (and I have a grandbaby that requires being able to do that). And to be quite honest, because that is the only way anything will ever be taken care of in my world, I am not thrilled with the way that my body presents itself at the moment. (That is VERY hard for me to admit and say out loud.)
One of my biggest fears of joining WW and starting this journey (even if it wasn't with WW) is the way other plus sized people (especially burlesque performers) will think of me. Being a burlesque performer who is also plus size comes with some baggage. First, I believe every body is a burlesque body. I don't care what size you are; you deserve to be seen if that is what you want. If you want to strip on stage, then you should be able to, no matter what size or shape you are. You deserve the opportunity to feel amazing, glamorous, beautiful, filled with the joy that comes from performing. Performing burlesque is empowering. Being a plus size performer comes with a weight of responsibility.... a responsibility to show other plus size humans that their body is beautiful just the way it is. I have been an advocate for plus size performers and inspired plus size humans to be on that stage.
And now here I am...working on losing weight and getting healthy. What does that say about me as a plus size advocate? And what about the other plus size performers who are staunch plus size advocates? There are plus size performers out there, who guilt and shame other performers for going on "diets" and making it public. I have seen them express that by publicly going on a diet and posting about their diets and weight loss and before/after photos is a way to fat shame other plus size performers/humans. I have seen them type that these kind of plus size performers that go on diets, are hurting those who are plus size and happy with where they are. It is a scary place to be.
I am not sure I am expressing this clearly enough. Let me see if I can put my fear and concern in another way....
Fat people get bullied by skinny people for being fat. Fat people also get bullied by other fat people when they decide they want to lose weight and get healthy for themselves. I'm scared of being bullied by other fat people/performers/advocates. So scared, in fact, that I have allowed it to keep me from taking care of myself.
Here's the deal, I'm not fat shaming anyone. Like I said, I believe every body is a burlesque body. I think every human being is beautiful in their own ways. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I don't want to hurt anyone with either the example of a fat woman on stage or a fat woman who is trying to take care of her mental/physical health. I am doing this to be a healthier human being. I realize I can be fat and healthy; for that matter, my goal weight will still have me at "obese" but my blood pressure and blood sugars will be normal. I will be able to tie my shoes without an issue. I will be more flexible. My endurance will be higher. I will be able to tie and buckle my shoes without issues. I will be able to play and keep up with the grandbaby. I will be able to do things that I can't do now because of my size/weight. These are things that matter to me. The phsyical look matters some too, but not near as much as being able to be healthy matters to me.
That picture from years ago, reminded me of just how happy I was back then. I realize life has changed a great deal since then. I lost my son. I had a hysterectomy and went through menopause. I have had a 2nd back surgery and a total knee replacement since that picture was taken. Things have changed. I won't be running like I did when that picture was taken. So my body will look completely different at 180# this time; for that matter, I am not even sure if I can get to that weight or not. I would say that the number on the scale doesn't really matter, but it does to a certain extent. It's good to have a goal to look towards. It's also good to be flexible. It is also even better to have non scale goals and victories to look towards, and I have those as well. I just want to reconnect with my happy..which comes from taking care of myself via eating healthy, exercising, playing, dancing and living my life outloud and proud.
I really hope that those fat burlesque performers that I admire do not see my choice to take care of myself and lose weight as an afront to them or other fat people on this planet. I in no way, shape or form want to fat shame anyone. I want to celebrate ALL bodies. And most importantly, I want THIS body to be healthy...both phsyically and mentally. I also realize that you can have a fat body and still be healthy; I know that is possible. That is what I am working towards....being healthy. I hope that is what people see. I hope when people see me post an update about weight loss or before/after pictures, they don't see that as fat shaming, rather they see that as me celebrating my own health. I hope they can celebrate with me.
I have to say, that never once have I ever been afraid to lose weight because I might lose my identity. But this time around, it is a total mind game. I am afraid of being called a hypocrite for supporting fat people while turning around and losing weight myself. It is a weird conondrum. When you put yourself in a place to be seen as "fat"...really be seen and accepted as a fat burlesque performer and inspire others to accept their sensuality no matter what their size, and then you turn around to lose weight, your identity comes into question, I think. I'm scared of being black listed by those who might see this as an afront to them, when it really has nothing to do with them or the movement of fat burlesque performers. It's about my health....both physical and mental.
I talked to Tracy about this last night. He said not to listen to them. He also said I didn't have to make anything public or post about it. But you know me, I post about anything and everything, and the last time I did this weight loss/getting healthy thing, I blogged about it as a way of staying accountable to myself. It is part of my process, and I do not want to be scared to process the way that helps me. So coming out publicly in this way is scary for me. I feel as though I am putting myself out there for the world to bully me.....for being fat wanting to get healthy. (I never though I would have to type that.) Fat shaming by fat people is a real thing. Fat guilt is a real thing. I just want to live my life to the fullest no matter what my size is; it just so happens that the size I am at currently prevents me from doing alot of the things I love to/or want to do.
So, there you have it. My thoughts on the journey that I have begun. Here's to a healthier Martha. Here's to accepting where I am in the moment and not worrying about yesterday's pictures but creating new ones that reflect who I am today. My happy today will look and feel completely different than my happy looked and felt in 2013.....I just want to get there :). One step at a time. And admitting my fear is the first step......
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