December 17, 2017 Part 2.....A Memory and Anger.....things I should remember...

I have been dealing with a great deal of outrage and anger.  Alot of it was brought on by things I can not talk about in public.  But I don't want to talk about WHY I was angry, but rather what I have learned from this round of anger.

I was in therapy last week when my therapist said that anger is a secondary emotion.  That shocked me.  I thought anger *was* the emotion.  But then again, I used to think jealous *was* the emotion, when in reality it is a secondary emotion.  So if anger is a secondary emotion, what am I REALLY feeling? 

That night, or maybe a day or two later, I can't remember, Tracy and I had a conversation about my outrage and anger.  Earlier in the day, I was in a cashier line with a friend who was having issues with her hubby.  She decided to buy him a soda because he was having a rough day.  I told her she was a better woman than me.  She told me that she doesn't have anger.  She feels angry but when she gets all of the answers, the anger goes away.  She says it does no good to keep that kind of anger inside. I agree with her.  But I have huge anger issues.  And then it dawned on me (at that moment) that my anger issues came, or at least so I thought, when the memories of my rape/sexual abuse came to me.  I had a DID personality that held all of my rage.  She is a 15 year old teenager named Carly who would rather skin people alive than to smile at them.  I thought that is where my anger started and where it came from.  And with my DID flare up recently, this makes sense.  Instead of just processing and letting it go, or instead of pushing it down deep, I now HAVE to feel my anger. 

The best way for me to describe the way I deal with anger is to use a metaphor of an alligator.  An alligator doesn't kill people by chomping them to death.  The stalk their prey and yes they take them into their mouths, but then the gator takes the prey into the water and does a "death roll" until that prey drowns and dies, then they eat their prey.  That is how I deal with anger.  I get hold of the person (or the thought of the person..not the physical person) and I grab hold of them and I drag them into the water and I don't let go until I do all the death rolls it takes until "they" or "the anger" is dead.  Then I can internalize it (eat it) and be done with it.  It sounds horrible and I understand why my anger looks scary to people and why if you are the person who made me angry, you feel unsafe around me. But the reality is, I would NEVER hurt another human being.  I am more likely to hurt myself because the anger eats at me and scares me and sends me into a deep depression because I feel guilty for being so angry at someone. 

Then as I talked to Tracy about all of this, I thought I had it figured out, but then I remembered being extremely angry with his brother's girlfriend back when we were Seniors in high school. My best friend started dating Tracy's brother.  Tracy's mom didn't like me.  And up until then, I was pretty much the "only girl" in the family. Tracy's sister had moved out by then.  But my friend coming into the family made me feel threatened because Tracy's mom loved on her and doted on her and made her feel more loved and secure in the family, all the while not liking me. I felt threatened.  So I got angry and acted out.    Okay.. so that means my anger didn't come with my memories of abuse.  Where did it come from?  What does my anger today have in common with the anger from my teen years?

I remember shortly after I moved into my first apartment, I had a HUGE break down.  All of the memories of childhood abuse had come pouring back to me. Okay, not ALL of them.  The sexual abuse stayed buried for years after this.  But this time was all about the non-sexual physical and emotional abuse.  I got so angry.  I started punching the wall of my apartment.  I was screaming and crying. My anger had NEVER felt like that.  NEVER.  Not even with my friend in my senior year.  It was so scary.  I wanted to kill someone.  I wanted to kill myself.  The pain was so intense.  Tracy stepped in front of me. He stood between me and the wall and told me to hit him so that I would not hurt myself.  That was the first time I came in contact with that side of me.  I thought I had it handled. Then the sex abuse memories came back with DID and an angry teenage personality. 

I worked for years to integrate the personalities that came out with the memories.  My anger was under control.  Then Nick was killed.  The anger came back with a vengeance.  I thought it was just grief.  Then I thought it was just about my hysterectomy mixed with the grief of Nick.  Then I thought it was something else........

But today, I came across a memory on facebook.  This is what it said...

"NeuroPscyh eval came back in...Good news: I am honest with how I feel.  I am not certifiably crazy.  I am a quick learner and make adjustments quickly.  Repetition is a necessity in learning for me.  I still get overwhelmed easily by auditory things, I need to ask people to slow down, take notes, and make adjustments in how I approach things (including school or new jobs..IE:  modify work place and school place stuff).  I am making progress, but even when they release me, I will forever have to keep doing my exercises.  I *am* employable, in the right job with the right modifications.  Stress (any kind of stress) will make my symptoms worse (any and all symptoms) so I need to manage my stress and my emotions. Oh ya..and apparently while I like to find the positive and think positive about everyone around me, I have thin skin, get my feelings hurt easily and can be quick to anger so learning to manage my stress level and emotions are key to my continued recovery and in any job I might take.  And after they release me, if I get a job or start school and find I am experiencing issues, all I need to do is go back to  my occupational therapist with specific  issues, and they will help me find a solution.  So there ya have it..."

In the last month my brain has been overwhelmed.  I went to BurlyCon and fried my brain with amazing things.  I was only home for a couple of days when Tracy and I had a trip planned to Twin to see a friend in a play.  But there was tons of chaos and plans changing regarding this trip.  It was very irritating and made me a bit angry.  We went anyway.  We went to the play.  The play was very stressful.  The lighting made my head go bonkers.  Emotions started to run very very very HIGH.  I got really angry by the first intermission and I about bit everyone's heads off.  I managed to excuse myself each time I felt like that.  But my anger became a reason for that friend to walk away from us.  She said that I made her feel unsafe.  She used this as a reason to walk away from us...instead of giving me time to see my therapist (which was already scheduled).  It is her loss. 

But given all of this information, I realized something.  The ONLY time I get this angry is when women are involved.  Men can do some really stupid shit, and I don't get this mad at them.  But if you are a woman and you cross me, I am liable to take your head off.  Why?  Why do I get this angry at women?

Still talking to Tracy I realized that I have always leaned on men.  I have leaned on men to make me feel secure...But that isn't entirely true.  When I was a kid, I was the one in charge of protecting my little brother from abuse.  I was the one protecting my mom from abuse.  I watched my dad abuse my mom.  He abused me.  I watched him looking longingly after other women, and I felt myself feel jealous because I got insecure because *I* wasn't enough for him to stop looking at other women.  I was in elementary school and I was thinking these thoughts.  This is where my  jealousy starts.  This is where my insecurity starts.  I was never enough for my dad.  Will I ever be enough?  In high school, Tracy's mom would throw girls at him and encourage him to date other girls because I was not good enough for her.   He loved me, but that wasn't enough for her.  She loved my friend more than she loved me.  I have never gotten as mad at men because I look to them to protect me and women shake my sense of security.  So all of my anger goes right to women... every single time.

This is something new I need to work on.  And remember what my TBI specialist say.  Keep my stress levels low.  If a relationship is adding stress to my life, then I need to rectify that in some way.  I need to remember to ask for what I need in order to protect my head from getting out of control and letting anger rage.  It's another step in healing.  Tracy and I have had some big conversations about this, and I'm sure we will be talking to my therapist about it this week.  In the mean time, I am feeling so much lighter.

And on a happier note, I skated at the rollerdrome for the first time since I had a knee replacement and I had so much fun!!! I joined some friends and we all had a great time with our friends and kids.  Skating makes my heart happy.  It also makes Omi's heart happy.

December 17, 2017...Part 1...Nate's 25th birthday in Vegas...

In our family it has become a bit of a tradition to celebrate our children's 21st birthdays with a trip to Las Vegas to party with them.  When I say its a "tradition"; I mean we did that for Nick and Suzy, so we must do it for the rest of them.

However, Nate's birthday is on December 10th.  So not only does it fall smack dab in the middle of Christmas shopping time, but it also falls under the "no one can take a day off of work" time for Tracy's office.  Those two things combined make it very difficult to make a trip to Vegas.  Nate's 21st birthday came and went without a trip to Vegas.  We did give him some money to spend the weekend with his best friend in Jackpot, NV.  Not quite the same thing, but well, it was close.  I also have to say that if we had gone back when he was 21, he would have wanted to take his (then) girlfriend, who we were not really fond of and the idea of spending a weekend with her was not one we enjoyed. 

So his 25th birthday was approaching and we and our best friend, Michael, decided it was time to make sure Nate got his Vegas trip.  This year, Nate's 25th year, I expect to be a bit emotional for him.  Once he makes it through this year, he will have out-lived his his brother who was killed at 25 1/2 years old.  I have a friend who's older brother committed suicide, and he said that the year he spent "out living" his brother was the hardest year of his life.  So with that wisdom in mind, I wanted to make sure that Nate started on a fantastic note!  We scheduled the trip, got the rooms reserved and made the flight.  He has an amazing girlfriend whom we adore.  I really think she is "the one".  They have been together just over a year now and they are so perfect together.  It was a joy to take her. 

His girlfriend, Jesica, is a very sheltered young woman from a very small town in Idaho. Taking her to Vegas was like taking a kid who has never eating sugar to a candy shop and told them they could have anything they wanted!  LOL.  Nate has been to Vegas before, but not as an adult who could drink and gamble and get stupid.  So together, they had an excellent time.  We hit all of our favorites, the german restaurant where Nate got 2 liters of beer in his Das Boot.  Jes, me and Tracy all got 1 liter steins.  Then there were shots and swats with the wooden shot carrier.  We exchanged buying shots and swats with another table and had a fantastic time in a restaurant that was deader than a door knob, but we still managed to have a great time and dance in the isles!  Later that night, we dropped Tracy and Michael off at the hotel, while I joined the kids for a trip to Coyote Ugly.  But Nate had JUST gotten his drivers lisence renewed, and they didn't like the paper license.  NO dancing for us.  But we got plenty of pole dancing done in the tram back and forth from the hotels. 

We also saw Criss Angel on Nate's birthday.  It was a fantastic show and one Nate really wanted to see.  It was a bit dark in places and some of his illusions were not exact.  But over all it was a great show and Nate really enjoyed it.  But later, he wanted to see a Cirque show.  Since we were there Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, there were not many Cirque shows open.  The one that was open and the one he wanted to see was Ka!    We were more than happy to take them to see Ka!  Tracy, Michael and I had already seen it with Nick and Suzy.

That last sentence in that previous paragraph should tell you where this is going.....

I was so excited to take the kids to see Ka!  But the moment we walked into the theater, my heart could start to feel the pull.  By the end of the show, I was holding back a whole ocean of tears.  "This weekend is about Nate.  He is the middle kid.  He rarely has time that is just about him!  Keep it together, Martha!"  My heart was ecstatic and heavy all at the same time. Nate and Jes had just experienced magic in the form of dance and theater.  The best they will likely ever see.  They were so excited!  I loved listening to them talk so excitedly about what they had just seen.  I was able to keep my grief to myself.  Well Tracy was experiencing it too.  We hugged each other and took some deep breaths.  I'm sure Michael was feeling it as well.  But after the show, we headed down to Freemont Street for the light show.  Once we were there, I was all about the dancing. There was live music everywhere.  There was so much people watching to do.  The light show was amazing.  It was magical and beautiful and so filled with  joy.  The kids were in awe.  And I loved watching Vegas through their eyes!

The next day, we made it to Margarittaville.  I needed some rum and Buffett therapy.  Then we walked over to the Belagio to show them the gardens.  And I was so moved by the beauty of it all, I cried.  For that matter, Jes did too.  The gardens were themed after the Nut Cracker.  It was magical.  The spirit of Christmas was palpable.  It gave me goosebumps.  Jesica was in awe.  Then we got to watch the fountains at night dancing to Christmas music.  It was beautiful.  The kids were so stinking happy :). 

After the Belagio we were off to change clothes and make it to the Golden Knights hockey game.  What a fantastic game!  It was so intense. The Golden Knights lost in over time, but it was probably the most exciting game I have watched! 

The whole weekend was magical and wonderful.  I loved the quality time we got to spend with Nate.  He deserved that kind of attention.  It was so fun to watch him and Jes have a great time.  Tracy and I had a great time playing and goofing off.  We needed that.  We had a great time with Michael and just being best friends. 

It was also bitter sweet remembering that fun we had with Nick and missing him.  I also realized just how different it is to travel with our individual kids.  Their personalities are so different.  Their needs are so different.  Their desires are so different.  But in the end, the time spent alone with each one of them is immeasurable and I am so grateful we are able to do that with them.  I am grateful for the memories made with Nick. And I am so very grateful for the memories made with Nate.  And I'm sure when it's time to make those memories with Naomi, they will be a kick in the arse!

November 30, 2017 Boot Scootin' Boogie.. well sorta.

If memory serves me right, and we all know how amazing my memory is *cough*, my intention for 2017 was to put myself out there and do new things.  I think I actually had a list somewhere, but I can't find it.  Nor can I find a blog post where I stated this intention. So we are just going to have to take my word for it.

As the end of the year approaches, I have been looking back at my year.  What have I done to put myself out there and try new things?  Have I done some things I have wanted to do and have been scared to do?  Have I done things that helped me stretch and grow?  Have I done things and failed gloriously?  The answers to those questions might be, quite possibly yes!  So I guess that means this has been a good  year.

What have I done?  Well, Tracy and I travelled to Ecuador (a new country for us).  We did (or tasted) all kinds of new things there. Some of which made us amazingly sick.  LOL  But it was all about the experience.  It was an amazing time, and we so want to go back again!  Tracy and I went to a relationship conference, which we have never done before. That was fun and gave us some thoughts and experiences to grow on.  Our relationship has grown and changed and continues to evolve, which is saying alot for a couple who has been together for 34 years!  I decided to take Improv Classes.  That was fun. Then I decided I sucked at it and I wasn't going to pursue it.  Then I changed my mind and decided to put myself out there and audition for the Minor League Improve League and sure enough I got in.  Then I thought, "Well, let's try Improvivor." That was a huge risk for me, and I ended up getting voted off pretty quickly.  But that is okay.  I tried something new, and I learned alot about myself.  I went to LA with a girl friend on a kind of spontaneous decision.  It was a HUGE thing for me to do that. And what I learned was helpful.  I went to Oregon to crew for my friends 50K. That was another new thing.  Was it hard or life changing? No, not really, but it was a great time and I got to hike on some new trails and support a man I love dearly!  And it was my first trip with them so that was fun. I tried a new way of eating and it worked with great success, but for whatever reason, I stopped. I learned some things about me in that process as well.  I went to my first BurlyCon on the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death. That was hard and beautiful all at the same time.  I met amazing people and got fired up!  I've reached out to a new community and made new amazing friends.  I started a new kind of bellydance fusion and I'm learning to move in different ways and I started performing belly dance again with a dance studio I have admired for years and never thought I would be good enough to dance with.  So yay! And then last night, I was able to check off something I have been wanting to do forever!!!!!  Well okay, for at least 20 years....

I went to Country Western Swing Dance Lessons.  I didn't just go. I went by myself.  I had no dance partner.  I had no friend to cling to. It was just me.  To be fair, after I made the decision to go, I found out my friend who is a regular there was also going to be there, but she was not going to be dancing. 

They called us all out on the dance floor.  Women on one side and men on the other.  The instructions, Men, pick a partner. All of a sudden, I felt like a kid at the roller rink waiting for a boy to ask me to couple skate.  I was terrified.  And sure enough, I was not picked.  Well I could have been. It came down to 1 man and 2 women.  I let the other woman dance.  Mostly because, yes, I was scared. LOL  I went back to the table where my friend and her friends were sitting.  One of the men asked if I wanted to dance.  So we went out there to learn together.  They taught us one move, and then asked the men to rotate.  It went this way all night.  One move taught, and then the men rotated.  So I had a whole slew of new dance partners.  It was tons of fun.  I spun around in circles all night.  I had my boots on and my beer swing dress on. My dress flew out when I spun.  One of my dance partners complimented me on the dress.  I felt like a little girl in her favorite Sunday dress just spinning around in circles. I could stop smiling and giggling. 

There were some seriously scary parts.  Not only was I constantly being partnered with a new man while learning a new move. But, then they started teaching dips.  All I could think was 1) I am a bigger woman and the guy who is going to dip me weighs a whole of 130#....MAYBE.  2) What if I get dropped on my head?  I sucked up my fear and went ahead with this.  Kevin (that was his name) dipped me once.  That was all.  The rest of the time he spent with me was just swinging and dancing with me.    I knew why.  My size.  While I was a little upset, I understood and kind of grateful.  I didn't want him dropping me on my head.  But my self-esteem said, "Man, you should be skinny!  No one will want to dance with you."

I did meet some very nice gentlemen who were tons of fun to dance with.  Some were younger. Some were amazing.  Some were older.  Some were just kinda dorky but were having a great time (those were my favorites).  One partner was surprised that it was my first time.

What I learned in class is that the men (the leads) have a much harder time than I do.  All I have to do is is allow them to lead me (which is hard enough for this control freak).  But the men/leads have to decide how they are going to lead me.  They get to choreograph/improv the whole dance.  It's all up to them.  Poor suckers!  Then they have to lead their partners smoothly and with some sense of musicality.  That's alot of pressure.  This also took a ton of pressure off of me.  I realized that I can dance with anyone as long as they can lead me.  I also learned that I need to trust and live in the flow of the dance. Not always as easy as it sounds.  But I do this with my own performances when I am on stage. But now I have to live in the flow of what my partner thinks he wants to do and trust he has my best interest and safety at heart.   I learned that my dance lessons in belly dance actually paid off in this swing dance class.  Funny how that works.

I had a total blast.  I ended up sweating like a pig. I wish I didn't sweat so easily and heavily.  It is so not an attractive quality in a female dance partner (or at least that is what my ego told me).  I was happy when class was over, not because it was over but because I put myself out there and had a great time.

Once I was home and in the hot tub with my hubby and daughter, we were talking about my experience. My daughter commented on how terrifying it would be to go alone to a bar to dance like that.  She said she would need a friend to go with her.  And yes, it was terrifying. But sometimes you need to do things that terrify you so that you know you are stronger than you think you are.  Doing things that scare you forces you to listen to your intuition and you gut.  It gives you a chance to grow.  And the rewards are so much greater than doing something that you know is easy.

If given the chance, try new things.  Make yourself uncomfortable. Be okay with screwing things up.  Be okay with failure.  Get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is the way we grow and learn.  Now get out there and try something new!!!!

November 29, 2017 My Own Reality and DID

I realized in the last couple of weeks I have become "that person".  You know, we all have that person or people on our Facebook feeds that just kinda of emotionally vomit all over our news feeds.  I have done that a time or two.  But I feel like these last couple of weeks it has been so much worse.  And I feel like it has been entirely too much.  For that, my readers, I apologize.

I have spent some time wondering WHY I did that.  And I spent time wondering why other people do it.  And I realize it is because many of us are sitting in a house or an office alone with our feelings and Facebook gives us some kind of sense that we are being heard (even if most people roll their eyes and scroll on by).  To be fair, I am grateful to those who didn't just scroll on by and who actually gave me some encouragement and support.  And, like most people who are reeling on Facebook should, I went to see my therapist :).

So the question is, "Why did my DID (dissociative identity disorder) decide to act up?"  The other question is "Why did it get so out of control?"  Ever since Nick died, it has been making a come back, but I have been able to talk "them" down.  But last Sunday I slipped down the rabbit hole and was unable to come out of it, and it scared me.  It scared me for a couple of reasons.  1) Not being able to come back is frightening and 2) New personalities showed up that I had never met before.

Have you ever wondered what this feels like?  I'm sure every person who has this issue feels things a bit differently.  To me, a personality takes over.  My body language and voice change and the way I act is different.  But deep inside it is like me watching a movie of someone else's life; only I know it's mine.  I sit in the background asking and begging to come back.  I sit in the background trying to soothe the personalities that come up.  They are there to protect me.  They are not there to hurt anyone else.  They are there to protect me from more pain.  They started when I was raped as a young child.  They held the memories that I could not handled for myself.  I didn't know I had these issues until I was 30 years old; though it might explain some of my behavior as a teen.  Anyway, the "real me" is stuck in the background while "the others" do what they do. Sometimes, most recently, it has been like a congress in my head.  Several personalities talking about me like I am not there.. discussing how things should go and how best to "protect" me.  Most of the time, my physical body just kind of checks out.  But lately, these personalities have actually been taking over; which is why I decided to go back to the therapist.

A week ago, I had a really scary episode.  I had a new personality show up.  I have never seen him before.  I have never had a male personality.  He was dark and scary.  Remember these personalities are here to protect me from some kind of pain.  But this one was emotionally violent (towards me).  None of my personalities are violent towards other people.  NEVER.  This personality told me things like, "You are worthless."  "You are not enough."  "You will never be enough." "Tracy can do better."  "You are fat." "You are ugly."  "You are a failure."  And then he took this knife he held in his hand, and he stuck it in my throat and sliced me down the center of my body.  I physically hurt from the emotional pain this personality was causing me.  By this point, I had completely checked out.  Then another new personality showed up.  It was a "mother figure" in a white, long sleeved dressing gown.  She came in calmly.  And started talking to "the others".  "Calm down," she said.  "Let Martha come back.  She is okay.  She is safe.  She can handle this."  Every time I tried to fight my way back, I could feel "the others" grab a leg or an arm and pull me back down.  They didn't want me to get hurt.  But what about that one who was saying all of the mean things to me?  If he was there to protect me, why was he being so emotionally violent?  After taking time to think about it, I realized, he is the one who keeps me feeling small so that I won't take chances in my real life.  I won't take risks.  There is safety in remaining small and unseen.  There is HUGE risk of being hurt by striking out and putting myself out there, which I have done a great deal of this year.  And one of those risks (on that weekend) had started to cause some pretty intense anger and heart break.

So the question is what caused this "outbreak"?  And how can I take care of myself so this does not happen again?

Some things shifted and changed last Saturday and a relationship ended.  The transition of this relationship, along with the timing of being overly emotional from the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death just a week prior, was the catalyst to this outbreak.  I will never blame another person on my issues. It was my reaction to the situation that caused the issue.  Here is what I have learned....

Tracy and I had a mutual friend who we both cared deeply for.  However, we both started to feel a shift in things.  Our intuition was screaming at us.  But both of us decided to squash that intuition.  And this was my first mistake.  Our intuition is here to protect us.. to warn us.. to teach us.  When we squash it and not listen to it, we are in effect telling ourselves that we do not trust ourselves and open ourselves up to a great deal of pain.  Not only do I have my own intuition that serves to protect me, but I also have a husband that I lean on to protect me and help me feel secure.  (This is not recommended.  While he is an amazing human being, it should NEVER be someone else's job to make you feel safe and secure.)  So when he wasn't listening to his own intuition about our friend and I wasn't listening to mine, things started to go awry.  We found ourselves hurt.  My DID decided to kick in.  "Well, if YOU aren't going to protect yourself, WE will!"

So what I have learned is that I NEED to listen and trust my intuition.  I also need my husband to listen to his, and I need him to listen to mine.  No, I'm not saying he needs to do what I say, but I do need him to listen to what I am saying and after listening to me and then listening to his own intuition, if he finds out they are in agreement, then actions need to be taken on our end.  We can not just have our intuitions talking to us, ignore them,  and then passively let life stab us in the back.  It shouldn't work that way. That is not what intuition is about.

So now what?  Well, I will listen and act from now on.  Or at least I will do my best.

I am still hurting.  There are so many things I want to say but I can not say publicly.  I am dealing with my stuff and and feeling what I feel.  I just wish it wasn't so painful to lose a friend.  I wish our friend could have shown me more compassion and understanding.  But everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and I guess adding mine to their own was just too much.

What is the lesson???  Listen to your intuition, people :).

November 10, 2017 Who Would Have Thought?

When I was a little girl, there is no way I could have predicted that I would have been a burlesque peformer.  For that matter, there is no way I could have predicted that I would be a mom who had lost her 25 year old son to a motorcycle accident.  Regardless, here I am.

I am on an epic weekend adventure of "Stripper Camp" called BurlyCon.  I have so much to say about this weekend, but this blog is about TODAY only.  Today was the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death.   Just last night I was texting Tracy telling him that I do not belong here and that I should be home with my family and I wasn't even sure I would be able to make it.  He actually offered to drive all night to pick me up.  I am glad we didn't actually see that through.

I knew that if I was going to make it through today, I would need a plan.  1) I would play full on in ALL of my classes.  2) I would take pictures with all of my instructors.  3)  I would purposefully find 2 women I had either been talking to over the weekend or have seen wandering the halls and ask to get a picture with them.  4)  I would play as much as I could and laugh as often.  5) I would say "yes" to things that might make me uncomfortable.  6)  I would take today one moment at a time.  If I cried, great.  If I laughed great.  If I did both.. even better!    7)  Most of all, I would live today to the fullest!

With the plans made, I took off on my great BurlyCon Day 2 adventures.  I knew that all but my last class would be movement/dance classes.  That was also done intentionally.  Dancing always makes me happy.  My first class was "Taming the Boa".  I learned alot of fun tricks. I also learned that my purple boa is seriously dangerous and bled on  me turning me into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka!  Yuck!

Amber Ray and myself after Taming the Boa

My 2nd class was a chair dancing class.  I have been wanting to take a chair class for YEARS!!!!!  I was so excited.  Actually, I took one YEARS ago.. like 2004 or 2005 or so.  I showed Tracy what I had learned, and he down right laughed at me. I gave up on dancing sexy for him.  It almost killed my dancing completely.... Obviously, I got over it.  LOL  The chair dance class was killer.  My abs love me!  And I did inversions and didn't even fall off my chair and on to my head!  My third class was a complete kicker.

Lola Frost and me after Chair Dancing Class

My third class was a continuation of a class I took yesterday.  This class was called "Dare to be Sexy".  When I decided to take these classes, I thought it would teach me to dance the slow burn and be all sexy and stuff.  (Most of my dances are "cute" and "silly")  Instead this was more of a character building class and the "sexy" part came from teaching us how to be comfortable being vulnerable with our audience. It was an amazing class.  Today, she asked for 5 volunteers.  She grabbed her 5, but then pointed at me and told me that I would be in the next round.  Sure enough, I was the first person she called for the 2nd round of volunteers.  We were to pull 3 cards from her Archetype Deck.  In my hand I held the Heroine, the Visonary, and the Engineer cards.  I immediately connected to the Hero/Heroine card; it was no surprise that these three cards showed up for me.  I teach Hero Journey Classes; it's my favorite archetype and the one I identify with the most.  The Visionary, yes, I identify with that one as well.  The Engineer?  Which of these 3 is not like the rest?   We were told to pick the one that was least like us and then to choose the "dark" side of that archetype (each archetype had a light and dark description.)  Out of the 3, the least like me in general is the Engineer.

Now that I had this card and know what the dark side was, I had to walk and act like this character.  Using the techniques that Poise Ivory taught us, how would this character remove/strip off a glove?  

Some of this reminded me of picking a character for Improv matches.  Yet, it is very different. LOL  

I read this card and 2 people came to mind, my husband Tracy and my son Nick.  I knew exactly how I would do my exercise.  It was my turn, and I channeled the inner engineer in me; yes, I had to use a microscope to find her!  I walked off the stage and onto the floor where the rest of my peers were sitting and I performed my task.  Then I waited for the remainder of my volunteer mates to finish their turns.  Poison Ivory asked us to change the end result by changing just one thing.  Again, we went through our process.  I walked off the stage and down to the floor and removed my glove.  I made eye contact several times.. scanning the whole audience.  Feeling the energy.  And feeling something I have never before felt inside of me.  I finished my "scene" and walked off the "stage".  I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath and it hit me.  It wasn't me in that second round.  Well, it was, but more me channeling Nick.  I could hear and see him in my head and my heart.  

"Mom, this is how an engineer would take off a strippers glove. It would be like this.   And, why, mom, would an engineer be wearing a glove in the first place?  Wouldn't that get in the way of their work?"  

He would strike a feminine pose with his gloved hand. He would smirk.  And then very  matter of factly, in an orderly fashion take that glove off and just walk away.  Or what if they were gloves he had to use for one of his science experiments. He was in a small confined room with not much space to move or place "extraneous things" so he would be very meticulous and calculated in the way he took them off and the way he handled them while walking around or putting them down.  And that is what I did.  

I continued leaning against the wall and I felt Nick in my heart.  I heard him talking to me.  I heard this conversation.  I heard him laughing and telling me how proud he was of me.  

"Great job, Mom!  I knew you could do it.  You are so awesome!   I'm so glad you made it to BurlyCon this year!  Thanks for letting me come play with you today.  Now kick ass, mom!"   

I literally started sobbing.  It was such a beautiful moment. No one else in that room saw me. No one else heard what I heard or felt what I felt.  I was in a room with 30 other women, yet, in that moment it was just me and my son visiting and laughing.  It was truly a special gift.

When I went back to my original place to sit, I still had the card I had drawn.  Layla (a new friend) who I had sat next to in the precursor to this class, saw the card and she said, "I knew it had to be an engineer.  You were so meticulous and calculated removing that glove."  Outwardly, I thanked her.  Inwardly, I was giving Nick a huge hug for sharing that time with me and helping me.

Miss Poison Ivory & myself after class

I was riding a pretty big high when I left that class.  And my next class was my first of  3 different panel skirt classes. I had so much fun learning this new prop for dancing. I am so excited to create a piece with it!  It is so classic and beautiful!

Shan de Leers and myself after "Work That Skirt"

And my last class for the day was one centered around creating costumes for bigger bodied women.  One of my roomies was the facilitator for this.  Interestingly enough, I didn't get a picture with her after class.   She taught an amazing class and I have so many ideas I want to try!  

I had such a fantastic day.  In the midst of these amazing classes, we also had the Open Ceremonies where they had a tinder moment where people they had expressed being gentle with those who were going through transitions in their lives, and my other roomie Frankie as well as Mimi grabbed my hands and let me cry.  Then right after that ceremony, I went into the vendors to find Legs Malone.

Rev. Legs Malone

She saw me and smiled and gave me the biggest hug and told me that she follows what I say and do on Facebook. SHE follows ME on Facbook and KNEW what today was.  Again, I teared up.  I was humbled and touched by her genuine love and care.  She gave me some oils to help with my grief and she gave me love!  Such a beautiful human being.  I could not have felt more supported.  Before today, I had only met Legs once....at a class she taught in Boise a couple of years ago and we have been connected on Facebook ever since. I have so much respect for her, not just as a performer but as a human being.  Seeing her today was so healing.

After all of these amazing things, Miss Dottie Minx ( my lovely friend who used to live in boise who now lives in Seattle) came to join the Boise gang for dinner. Seeing her brought tears to my eyes again. She was one of them who supported my family in  big way when Nick died and there she was today.  It was so nice to have dinner with  her, her hubby, Stella Sin and Muff Jones.  

Me and Pin Up Dottie Minx

Then to close out the day, I got to get dressed up and go to the Disco. I got to relive my childhood in a real live adult disco with crazy bright characters dancing and laughing around me.  All of the glitz.  All of the glam. Drag Queens.  Drag Kings. The beautiful and the goth/punk.  The elegant to the ridiculous.  It was all there in all of its sparkling, glittering glory!  And I was there.  I was part of it.  I was on that dance floor with the disco ball reflecting the lights back onto the wall.  I was this.  I was this moment.  I was this joy. I was exactly where I wanted to be when I was a kid!  I smiled and almost cried happy tears.  I thanked Nick.  

Beautiful people at the class photo before the ball..Mimi, Ri Ri (who taught my costuming class), myself and I do not know the fourth person behind Mimi.

Me and Lola Love whom I have been friends with on FB and met for real this weekend!

It has been such a beautiful day.  It's now 2:28 am, and I have no idea what time I am supposed to be awake for tomorrow. Ooops.  Can someone please send coffee????

I have so much more to say.. like...

PS  My daughter did a Suicide Improv Dance Contest tonight and won 1st place in solo and 3rd place in a trio with a couple of girls she had never danced with before!  I am so freaking proud of her!!!!  

My beautiful daughter Naomi with her awards

I think we both rocked out this anniversary in style!

November 7, 2017 We are not like other families.....

So in 3 days, it will be 3 years since Nick was killed in a motorcycle accident.   That moment in time, completely changed the course of our family. Well maybe not completely, but it did change the courses of our children and my mom, and yes, I guess that changed a bit of our courses as well.

The first year after he was killed was so very difficult. We went through all of the firsts with out him. We thought that the first year would be the hardest and once we got through it, it would be "easier". We were wrong. The second year was the worst. Why?  The first year we were in shock. By the second year, the shock had worn off and we were just in so much grief.

Now as we close in on the third anniversary of his death, I can honestly say that I have noticed a difference in my family.

My family will ALWAYS miss Nick. I  know we are not the only parents to lose a child. I also know my children are not the only children to lose a sibling at such young ages.  But not everyone will go through this kind of pain.  This event has forever changed the way that we look at life. It has changed that way, we as parents, view the way in which we guide our living children.  Tracy and I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. (Or at least what we consider the small stuff) Yes, we are more lenient on Naomi than we were our boys. (That would have occurred naturally as she is the youngest, but this is different.)   We still have expectations for our children.  We still expect them to grow up and be responsible, productive, independent adults.  However, the timing of that looks different for our children. 

Naomi's course was changed because her original career goals were centered around going into business with Nick once she graduated college. Her Freshman year high school classes were chosen because of these goals.  But once Nick was gone, her passion and interest in them fell apart, and that is perfectly okay.    In the last years, she has done things to challenge herself physically and mentally.  She ran half marathons. She took aerial silks.   She may not do those things anymore, but they made a HUGE impact on how she sees herself and how to reach goals and face her fears.  She looks at things and asks herself, "Will this make Nick proud of me?"  She started working with horses and learned so much from her pony.  She gave up voice lessons and dove into her visual art as a means of expressing herself.  She changed dance studios and found a home with women who support her like none other and challenge her to become a stronger and more expressive dancer. Naomi is willing to take risks now.  She is stronger.  She is trying out for things.  She is involved in school. And just a few months ago, she and I were talking and noticed that life is so much better for her this year.  She actually has friends in school. She enjoys going to school. She hangs out with her friends after school. And  she is the "senior friend" that the younger kids are hanging out with. She is having a great year.

Nate took some hits when Nick was killed. He has always had a difficult time with jobs.  He has some special issues that can be a bit challenging when it comes to work. But when Nick was killed, he was actually fired from his job for crying at work.  And it has taken forever for him to get his feet back on the ground. Last year, he had a great job but it was seasonal.  It was in that job that he met his current girlfriend.  Nate has also had not so great luck with women.  Nate has a HUGE heart, and for that reason, he has often fallen for women he felt he needed to fix or who just needed extra help. And Nate wanted to do that.  Which meant, we got signed up for that too. LOL.  He has struggled. But he takes his grief out on his guitar and singing. He is very talented, even if he doesn't think so.  This year he got a job that he is passionate about. He  loves the people he works with, and it is a great company to work for. I'm so proud of him for following his passion of working with people with special needs.  And he just celebrated the 1st anniversary with his girlfriend, who is amazing.   Things are looking up for him.  Even he is feeling and looking lighter.

Tracy and I have found a way to connect again.  Through grief, we had lost some of our connection.  But we have stayed strong and together. This year, our connection has gotten better. We are finding more fun things to get involved in together. We are going out on dates again. We are laughing.  We are hanging out with friends.  We are making forward progress.  And most days we feel lighter.

The grief doesn't suffocate us so much anymore. Yes, we have days or maybe just moments.  But its not suffocating us all of the time anymore.  This is a good things.

But what prompted this post was what I witnessed last night....

Naomi is creating "Nick pages" for her art journal. She is adding photos from life with Nick and her first memories of him after he was killed (like the memorials and his birthday and his college graduation that Nick didn't get to attend himself).  She was in tears last night.  I held her for a bit. But I let her get back to her work, and I to mine.  I came back into the room to see her sobbing into Nate's arms.  He held her for a long time while she cried.  Then he sat down on the opposite side of the couch and listened to her talk about her art journal.  About an hour later, Nate took her to Jack In The Box for a drink and to just spend time with her.

In that moment I was very grateful that we are not like other families.  I have not pushed Nate out of the house. So many people tell us, "He is 24 (25 in a month); he should be out of the house by now.  You are enabling him!" Some of that might be true. But those people who are saying that, have not lived in our shoes.  There are so many nights that I have found Naomi and Nate hanging out in his room laughing over games are playing the guitar and singing or just hanging out together outside.  Having Nate living at home during this healing stage of grief has been the best thing for this family.  He and Naomi have grown so close. She loves him so much.  Nate is quick with the hugs and comfort when any of us are upset.  I know the time is coming for him to move on.  He and his girlfriend are making plans.  He will be moving soon. I'm sure of it.   Naomi will be graduating high school in May.  But even her plans have changed, and she has decided not to leave Boise for college.   We are not like other families.  We have lost someone so close to us, that the idea of leaving each other is a bit painful.  We need each other still. However, I also know that this year is the first year that we all feel like we can breath and start to move on.....

This year, instead of being home with my family on the anniversary, I will be in Seattle at a Burlesque Conference that happens the same weekend every year.  Nate will be working. Naomi has a dance performance that she will be doing and Tracy will be attending.  Life is moving on.  There will not be a big memorial bonfire for Nick this year. We will all just be doing our thing, but the date will not be lost on us.  The best way we can memorialize Nick is to live fully and out loud, and that is exactly what we will do. 

We may not be like all the other families who still have all of their children......but we have each other and I am so grateful for that!

November 5,2017 Getting Voted Off and What I Learned....

So its been a few months since I have blogged. (Seems like all of my blogs start out that way these days...but hey, I've been busy living life!)

The last blog was about an audition for the Minor Leagues of ComedySportz.  It's crazy to think how much has happened since that blog (especially when it comes to Improv). Not only did I start Minor League training, but I have also played my first Minor League ComedySportz match and had a complete blast!  And just because I wasn't busy or challenged enough, I also decided to throw my hat into the Improvivor contest. 

Improvivor is like the TV show Survivor mixed with Improv Comedy.  We were separated into tribes. We played different challenge games. We had the opportunity to win immunity as tribes as well as individuals and people got voted off.  The last one standing wins $200.  I wanted to play for the challenge and to learn and grow.  I, however, was not prepared for some of the very painful growing pains I would go through.

Thanks to Improv, in general, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have learned that I need to ask for assistance and trust that my team mates will always have my back.  I have learned that failure is funny.  I have learned to live in the moment and live in the flow. In Improv, you never know what the next "gift" given to you might be and you will have to trust it and run with it.  As a team, that works out great. As an individual in a contest that has people voting you off, this doesn't always work out as well as you would like.  I learned that I have a very serious competitive streak in me.  And it's not a pretty one.

Two "episodes" ago, I had a really difficult time with a "things" game. I won't go into how the game is played. But I will say that tribe mates matched up and one gave clues and the other was supposed to guess what the other was giving clues about. These "things"could be super easy or super difficult depending  on what number we chose to do (1 being easiest and up to 5 being the hardest).  I could not give or receiving clues to save my life that night. And the audience voted to send me home.  The only reason I got to stay was because one of my tribe mates wanted us to vote him off.    I will say that I deserved to go home that night. I will also say that I was in complete tears because my performance is what put us in trouble to begin with.  I felt like I had let my tribe down. 

Even though "Episode 3" was harsh for me.  Episodes 1 and 2 were so much fun and in episode 2, Randy and I came from behind and saved the day.  That feeling rocked!

Last night was Episode 4. We played 2 challenge games. The first one went from all 7 of us on the "field" to only 2 remaining. The last 2 remaining were Lisa (my tribe mate) and myself.  The game was going great, but I was at a slight disadvantage. Lisa had made no mistakes during that game, and I already had made 1 mistake.  1 more would have ended the game. And more importantly, the winner, we were told right before our last round, would win immunity for the night.  I really needed that immunity.  But, alas, it was not mine to be had. In a very quick game, I made a mistake and lost the game. It was a ton of fun.  And I learned that my brain worked much faster than I had imagined it would!

When that game was over, we learned that we were breaking up our tribes and people were merging at the end of the night.  The last game to be played was to be  2 person improv scenes.  We were all randomly matched over and over again until we had all played together.  I thought I did okay.  But in a bad twist of luck, I was matched with a friend in the 2nd to last pairing of the night.  He started speaking the scene, and I did not understand a word he said.  I didn't hear him. I had no idea what he had started and I tried my best to pick up what he had given me and keep the scene going, but I was completely lost. In the end, he got the punch line in.  And THAT was the last thing the audience saw of me. 

After all of the scenes were completed, we were told there would be a vote by the audience to give one more of us immunity. My last scene mate won that immunity.  The rest of us had a chance at being eliminated.  We were sent out to the lobby while the audience voted for whomever they chose.  Then each of us went in one at a time and wrote our choices on a piece of paper and put them in the container.  When they were all collected, Robert, pulled the slips out one at a time and read them allowed....5 votes for 1 person would send that person home........

First vote,  "Martha"
Second vote, "Martha"
Third vote, "AJ"
Fourth vote, "Dawn"

Now the odds had changed. The person with 4 votes would be eliminated.

Fifth vote, "Martha"
Sixth vote, "Martha"

And with that, my fate in Improvivor had been sealed.  I shouted and screamed like I had won a million dollars. At first the audience was shocked and then they laughed as I ran up to give Robert and Johnny a hug as they said goodbye to me.  I smile. But inside, I was breaking a little bit.

When the show was over, we had to go into the greenroom where I received a huge group hug and encouraging words.  But my time was over.

Some of the members of the audience hugged me and told me I didn't deserve to be voted off.  But whether I did or not, it was now done. And my  job was to feel my feelings and then figure out what I have learned.

I am grateful for the experience.  In the end, this is a game of strategy and elimination. Did I play with integrity? Yes.  Did I have my team's back? I did.  Did I make the audience laugh?  I did.  Then my job was done.  The rest is just "game play" and "strategy" and really doesn't matter. But why does it hurt to be voted off?  Why do I feel like I'm not good enough?  Why did I take it personally? Why did it feel like high school all over again? Like if I had been popular enough, I would not have been voted off. I can assume entirely too many things.  I can tell myself stories all night long, but in the end, none of that really matters. I played the best I could. 

I need to let go of the "game play" and take a look at how well I did and what I learned.

1)  I learned my brain can think faster than I thought.  At first, I was unable to do that. But thanks to Improv, I am getting much faster.

2) I have learned that my character work is pretty good. It can certainly be better, but it is not too shabby.

3)  I have learned to say "yes, and" and just roll with the "endowments" that are given to me.

4) I have learned to welcome the unexpected and live in the flow.

5)  I have learned that failure is funny and my time is never wasted if the audience is laughing.

6) I have learned to take HUGE leaps and put myself in uncomfortable situations and be open to the lessons given.

7) I have learned how to take what I have learned in the Improv arena and add it into my every day life.

8) I laugh more often.

9) What I have learned in the arena, I have brought home to my family and we play some kind of silly improv game in the hot tub a couple of times a week.  It's silly and fun to see what crazy conversations we come up with.

What do I still need to learn? Not to take things so damn seriously. It was just a game.  LOL  I learned some other very deep and very personal things about relationships, but that is not something to be shared in this blog.

What will I take away from the realization that I am way too competitive?  I will not place myself in a position to play a game where people can be voted off again. It is one thing to play a game as well as you can and lose because you didn't earn the points. It's not personal. It's just a fact of life. But in a game where people can vote you off (for whatever reason) and the game is not entirely based on your performance, it does become (or at least feels) personal, and I am much too sensitive for that...especially this time of year when I am dealing with grief.  :).

August 7, 2017 What Audition?

Either in my last blog or when I posted it on Facebook, I promised to have a happier blog the next time I wrote.  And I am happy to say, that I am following through with that promise! 

Lots of amazing things have been happening lately. I have had lots to smile about.  I should have written at least 2 or 3 blog posts by now, but I have been busy.  So I will just post this one about a recent audition I participated in.

I have been experiencing a sort of mid-life crisis which has had me depressed.  Even with all of the happy things that have happened, deep down, I have been kind of miserable.  Part of it comes from my baby turning 18 and approaching her senior year in high school.  Part of it comes from being 48 and realizing that I have spent most of my "working life" (and half of my life) being a stay at home mom which means I do not have enough Social Security Credits of my own to have my own Social Security Check.  That is a bit scary.  Then when I think about going to work to collect Social Security, I realize that the traumatic brain injury really does limit what I can do for work.  All of this rolled into one scares the crap out of me.  

When I brought this up to my Facebook friends, one of my friends suggested that I attend Kyle Cease's event in September with her.  I looked him up, and realized he was the same guy I had just watched a video of and thought to myself, "I need to see him."  After discussing it with Tracy, I decided to go ahead and sign up for the event.  Then I decided to buy his book I Hope I screw This Up How Falling In Love with Your Fears Can Change the World.  I started reading and things started falling into place.

While all of this was going on, I kept seeing a Facebook post about auditions for Comedy Sportz Boise.  In the spring, Tracy and I took an 8 week Improve Class.  I struggled the entire 8 weeks.  By the time we were done, I thought, "There is no way in hell I can do that!  My brain does not remember things.  My brain does not work fast enough.  I am just not capable of doing this."  That wasn't going to stop me from taking the next session of classes that starts in September, but I didn't think I was good enough to actually be on the field.  However, that Facebook post kept popping up.  I was already feeling lots of rejection in my personal life and dealing with my depression; the idea of putting myself out there to be rejected in a different form was daunting.  What if I failed. How would I feel?  I know that all of those videos I sent to audition for burlesque festivals hurt every time I got rejected.  Some of them hurt pretty deeply.  How would I feel if I went out for this audition and didn't make it.

I told Tracy that I wanted to do it.  He simply said, "That is fine; but don't get upset if you don't make it."  He was concerned that this would send me off the deep end.  I understood that.  I was afraid of that as well.

However, I kept reading Cease's book about facing my fears, and I kept feeling called to audition.  Here are a couple of passages from his book....

"No matter what circumstances exist in your life, if you take even one step toward the calling of your heart, you'll begin to receive answers that you were blind to before.  You'll grow beyond the problems and challenges that seem so overwhelming and start to see solutions that  have been there the entire time."

"...When we're holding on to the limitations that are familiar and 'safe,' they keep us at the same level of awareness we've always been at.  When we let go of those beliefs, maybe by taking an action that was scary to use before, we're actually entering into an entirely new dimension where we transcend our old challenges and create a whole new set of opportunities for ourselves."

I did exactly with Kyle suggested, I put away all of these old stories about my brain.  I took a step in the forward direction with the intention of going and just playing and having fun.  Yes, it was a bit scary, but it was a step on the positive direction.  I wasn't going to let fear consume and control my actions and live in the "what if" world anymore.

I stood in the opening circle with the 5 other candidates and a few members of the Major League Team of Comedy Sportz Boise.  We were asked, "Are you scared?"  And one of the guys said, "We all should be." All I could think was, "No.  I'm not scared or nervous right now.  I am just here to play."  That statement alone, I thought was funny.  As we went around the circle stating why we were auditioning, I simply said, "I wanted to scare myself."  The fear of rejection was scary.  The actual active of playing was not.  

We started to play the games for the audition.  I started to remember the games I learned in Improv 101.  We played some of those games and it gave me confidence to keep playing.  I found myself jumping up to play, while others sat scared in their seats.  I found myself jumping into the square to tell my pun  jokes, when last spring I couldn't think of one freakin' pun to save my life!  Everything seemed so normal and natural to me.  Nothing felt like a struggle.  Nothing felt scary.  Okay, one thing felt scary. The time commitment felt scary to me.  If I made the team, do I actually have the time to do it?  I decided that if I did make the team, I absolutely had and would make time.  Why?  Because this was for ME.  It's not something I will be doing with anyone else in my family.  This is strictly for me.  It's a way for me to laugh on a weekly basis.  It's a way to make new friends.  It's a way to make others laugh.  And its a way to help my brain heal and help build confidence in my brain again.  So yes, I was doing this for me and I would absolutely make time for it.

The whole audition process was too much fun.  Six complete strangers met on the "field" and played together. We went from strangers to a cohesive team.  It was amazing to watch and be part of such a transformation.  In the entire 8 weeks of Improv 101, I didn't feel that.  Yet in 2 hours, 6 of us bonded and laughed and felt like family.  It was fantastic!  

We were sent outside for the Team Members to deliberate about who was going to make the Minor League Team.  While we were outside, the  6 of us laughed and congratulated each other.  Then we were brought back in.  We sat down.  All of us were nervous.  Who would make it?  As it turned out, for the first time in Boise's history, ALL of us made it!  That has never happened.  I MADE IT!!!  

I was so proud of myself for putting myself out there.  I didnt' think I would make the team.  My past story and history was that I was not any good at improve.  My brain is too slow.  I can't make a pun to save my life.  I don't react fast enough.  But I decided to create a different story.  I decided to go and play and have fun and not worry about what my past story and limiting beliefs are and I took a step in the forward direction.  I transcended my limitations and created a whole new amazing opportunity for myself!

I am so very grateful to my friends and family who support me and encourage me to keep moving forward.  I am grateful for the laughter that is in my life.  And I am so grateful to be part of the Comedy Sportz Minor League Team!!!!  Here's to more laughter in my life!!!

July 20, 2017 Just us adults now.....

I can't believe it has been over a month since I have blogged!  Crazy!

Life has been moving at a pretty epic pace.  I can't explain everything that goes on around here, and honestly, you probably don't want to know.  But there are some pretty impactful things that have happened in the last month.

Though, I took a week off of Keto while I was on vacation, I am back on the wagon now.  Up until I took the week off, I had lost 15# and 19 inches.  My jeans were starting to fall off of me.  While on vacation, I gained back 6#.  I honestly think that is because my tummy doesn't like traveling. Things are getting back to normal with my tummy and I'm back to eating right.  So yay!  Today, I had lunch with a friend who hasn't seen me in a couple of months and he said, "You look like you have lost alot of weight since I have seen you last."  That made my day :).  Though losing weight is not my main goal, it sure is a nice side affect.  I'll take it.

You know, life changes can be pretty huge around here.  I don't usually do change very well.  And I will admit to spilling a great deal of tears over the last several months as I adjust to changes.  With that said, I have also met some pretty awesome new people, and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for the growth that comes with change (no matter how painful or pleasant).

I think the biggest most significant change this month is that we no longer have "children" living in our home.  Naomi is now an adult.  She turned 18 last week.  She still cuddles with me.  She still kisses me.  She still likes to hang around me.  We still giggle like she is a kid.  But chronologically, she is an adult.  This milestone was hard for a couple of different reasons.  The first being that I no longer have any "babies".  My babies are all grown up.. well sorta.  As a stay-at-home-mom this is a shift for me.  Do I go into retirement?  Doubtful.  She is still a senior in high school, and she still needs her mom.  All of my kids still need their mom at some point (even the bonus kids).  I will always be needed; I guess that is a good thing.  But the biggest bump in the road with this milestone was the fact that Nick was not here to celebrate it with her.

Naomi was dreading turning 18.  Just like the rest of us, she does not look forward to big life milestones anymore.  Or at least, some of the excitement has been taken away because we realize that Nick will not be able to celebrate them with us.  They remind us that part of our hearts is missing.  Naomi was really not looking forward to turning 18 without Nick.  With that in mind, we did the best thing we could do which was surround her with great concerts and family.  On the 12th we saw Matisyahu here in Boise.  Then we got in the car and drove all night long to Denver so she could see Jack Johnson in concert.  I watched her closely on the day of her actual birthday (the Jack Johnson concert).  I watched her mood.  I gave her lots of hugs.  And made sure Nate was around her as much as possible.  I watched as she laid back in the grass as she enjoyed Jack's music.  I watched her bathe in the music and the lyrics.  And truthfully, I cried while no one was looking.  She was not feeling well at all that day.  She was in a great deal of pain from the tummy issues she has been dealing with since February. I honestly thought for a moment I was going to have to rush her off to the hospital.  Instead, she just laid back in the grass and relaxed into the experience.  And I closed my eyes and listened and enjoyed the beautiful evening with my family.. always with a piece of my heart missing.

After the concert, while we were on our way to drop Naomi off at her Aunt and Uncles, I asked her if she had a good birthday.  She said, it was the most epic way to turn 18.  This made me feel better.  Though, to this day, I feel bad because she didn't have a birthday cake for her birthday.

We spent the next couple of days with Trey and Misty (Tracy's brother and sister in law) and their 5 kids.  We did the Denver Zoo, went shopping at a mall, played dominoes, went to Elitch Gardens to play in the water and ride roller coasters and even made a trip to Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs.  It was a very busy vacation.  We really enjoyed ourselves, even if some of us almost died on what we now call "The Swings of Death" at Elich Gardens. It is a brand new ride at the park.  They are much like your typical fair swings that go around in circles; only this one goes up 17 stories or so.  They actual name of the ride is Star Flyer.  Eight of the eleven of us decided to ride this ride.  That included my 8 year old niece, Jessica (Nate's girlfriend), and Misty (my sister in law) who are all afraid of heights.  To be fair, Naomi and I are too, and we were on the ride as well.  However, Naomi and I experience our fears in different ways and on different rides.  Anyway, before the ride took off, they made an announcement that no cell phones were allowed to be out during the ride.  If they saw someone take their cell phone out, they would stop the ride and bring us down.  I get it.  It's a safety issue.  If a cell phone should drop from that rotating swing at that height and it hit someone, it could have killed someone.  Sure enough, someone supposedly took out a cell phone.  The operator stopped the ride and started to bring us down.  But the ride malfunctioned and did a bit of a "drop" before catching itself.  It was enough to scare the crap out of us.  And then we were stuck up in the air several stories above the ground with nothing much holding us in for safety.  Theresa, my 8 year old niece started crying. Misty, my sister in law who was sitting with me started yelling at the operator (who kept repeating the same stupid ass comment, berating the collective "us" for having a cell phone out and how its "our" fault the ride malfunctioned and we are waiting on maintenance to get us down).  Jessica had her face buried in Nate's shoulder. It was a very tense 10 minutes.  And it pretty much ruined the day for those of us who are scared of rides.

Interestingly enough, I have been facing a great many of my fears in the last several months.  I guess vacation wanted me to face more of them.  *sigh*  I tried to ride a few more rides after "swings of death" but my heart wasn't in it.  I found myself terrified of a roller coaster ride that had me upside down.  I was scared that the harness that was holding me would malfunction and I would fall to my death.  (I have never had that fear before.. )  I also found my head getting bounced around on some of these rides and giving me a headache.  I really need a helmet for roller coasters!  I decided to do the responsible thing and stop riding rides.

Then there was the drive to Colorado Springs.  The last time we went to Colorado Springs, Nick was in 6th grade.  I was trying to get pregnant with Naomi.  So it was just the 2 boys at the time.  We made a trip to the Air Force Academy because Nick really wanted to go there.  We took a tour and visited with some people there.  It was a great trip that year.  But this year as we drove past the Air Force Academy, I felt tears well up in my eyes.  Nick didn't end up going there, but that didn't stop the memory of him on that trip so many years ago.  It didn't stop me from remembering how in awe he was and how big he dreamt.  Yes, I cried.  And again, no one noticed.  (That is okay).  We continued on the high way to pick up my mom from my Aunt's house where she had been visiting.  After stopping to visit with my Aunt for a bit, we piled everyone in the truck and headed to meet Trey, Misty and the kids to head up to Pike's Peak.  Again, the last time we went to Pike's Peak, Nick was with us.  Instead of taking the train this time, we decided to drive up the road.  It's a crazy road with steep cliff drop off without any rails to protect you from falling off.  They have done car races on that road since 1916.  Because that road is used for a race track, Nate was very keen on driving up that road.  Tracy let Nate drive.  I sat in the back seat, and I felt the fear welling up in my chest.  There were times when all I could see was a road that lead up, curved, and all I saw was sky after the curve.  I was terrified.  I was petrified.  When we stopped to walk around and take pictures, I asked Tracy to finish the last half mile up the road. I was so scared I was shaking.  It's not that Nate was a bad driver.  He was being very safe.  But all of a sudden, this fear was taking over.  (Like I said, the last several months have me feeling lots of fear.)

Finally we reached the summit and got out of the car.  We were at a little over 14,000 feet in elevation.  I really could have used some oxygen. It was hard to walk around and explore, but I did it.  Poor Tracy spent most of his time sitting in the snack shop.  It was too difficult for him to breathe.  My mom walked for a tiny bit, but then spent the rest of the time sitting in the car.  Nate insisted on hiking beyond places that made me terrified that he would fall off the mountain.  (Whether that fear was founded on reality or not is pointless; I was just terrified. I don't want to lose another child.)  We spent a good deal of time up there taking pictures and enjoying the scenery. It is very beautiful up there. The drive down was easy and included a nice thunder, lightning, rain storm.

Vacation was nice, but I spent a great deal of time missing Nick.  He did show up in places.  There was a guy in a rubber ducky shirt at Elich Gardens.  We found a rubber ducky at Pikes Peak that was bought and brought back home.  Nick is never far away from us, and I'm grateful for his presence in any way I can get it.  But boy do I miss his hugs, and his voice.  I really wish he could have been there for Naomi's 18th birthday.  I wish she could have gotten that birthday call from him.  Our family dynamics have changed, as most of you know.  We didn't just lose Nick.  We also lost a daughter in law as she moved on with her life.  And Naomi felt that as well.  Naomi got the generic "happy orbit day" message on her facebook from her, but that was it.  That's all any of us get these days.. except for Tracy who sees her occasionally for lunch.   Special days like birthdays are just very hard.  It makes the changes in our life felt so much deeper.

Now that we are home from vacation, I am feeling some pretty deep grief.  I guess its to be expected. Not only is there grief.  But there is the "let down" from returning from vacation.  It's coming back to normal life, which has been wrought with other kinds of changes and every day struggles and worries.  Re-entry into normal every day life has been a bit difficult on me.  It's a temporary thing, I know this.  I know to let myself feel and heal as needed, so I will.  I am grateful that I no longer turn to food to comfort me... well not really anyway. I am grateful that I can and do make better choices.  I am grateful for friends that support me.  I am grateful for a husband who loves me.  I am grateful for kids who make me laugh.  And I'm really grateful that in 2 days I get to hug my grand baby and celebrate his 1st birthday!

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but boy do I love it when it is!!!!  Here's to more sunshine in my life!