Lots of amazing things have been happening lately. I have had lots to smile about. I should have written at least 2 or 3 blog posts by now, but I have been busy. So I will just post this one about a recent audition I participated in.
I have been experiencing a sort of mid-life crisis which has had me depressed. Even with all of the happy things that have happened, deep down, I have been kind of miserable. Part of it comes from my baby turning 18 and approaching her senior year in high school. Part of it comes from being 48 and realizing that I have spent most of my "working life" (and half of my life) being a stay at home mom which means I do not have enough Social Security Credits of my own to have my own Social Security Check. That is a bit scary. Then when I think about going to work to collect Social Security, I realize that the traumatic brain injury really does limit what I can do for work. All of this rolled into one scares the crap out of me.
When I brought this up to my Facebook friends, one of my friends suggested that I attend Kyle Cease's event in September with her. I looked him up, and realized he was the same guy I had just watched a video of and thought to myself, "I need to see him." After discussing it with Tracy, I decided to go ahead and sign up for the event. Then I decided to buy his book I Hope I screw This Up How Falling In Love with Your Fears Can Change the World. I started reading and things started falling into place.
While all of this was going on, I kept seeing a Facebook post about auditions for Comedy Sportz Boise. In the spring, Tracy and I took an 8 week Improve Class. I struggled the entire 8 weeks. By the time we were done, I thought, "There is no way in hell I can do that! My brain does not remember things. My brain does not work fast enough. I am just not capable of doing this." That wasn't going to stop me from taking the next session of classes that starts in September, but I didn't think I was good enough to actually be on the field. However, that Facebook post kept popping up. I was already feeling lots of rejection in my personal life and dealing with my depression; the idea of putting myself out there to be rejected in a different form was daunting. What if I failed. How would I feel? I know that all of those videos I sent to audition for burlesque festivals hurt every time I got rejected. Some of them hurt pretty deeply. How would I feel if I went out for this audition and didn't make it.
I told Tracy that I wanted to do it. He simply said, "That is fine; but don't get upset if you don't make it." He was concerned that this would send me off the deep end. I understood that. I was afraid of that as well.
However, I kept reading Cease's book about facing my fears, and I kept feeling called to audition. Here are a couple of passages from his book....
"No matter what circumstances exist in your life, if you take even one step toward the calling of your heart, you'll begin to receive answers that you were blind to before. You'll grow beyond the problems and challenges that seem so overwhelming and start to see solutions that have been there the entire time."
"...When we're holding on to the limitations that are familiar and 'safe,' they keep us at the same level of awareness we've always been at. When we let go of those beliefs, maybe by taking an action that was scary to use before, we're actually entering into an entirely new dimension where we transcend our old challenges and create a whole new set of opportunities for ourselves."
I did exactly with Kyle suggested, I put away all of these old stories about my brain. I took a step in the forward direction with the intention of going and just playing and having fun. Yes, it was a bit scary, but it was a step on the positive direction. I wasn't going to let fear consume and control my actions and live in the "what if" world anymore.
I stood in the opening circle with the 5 other candidates and a few members of the Major League Team of Comedy Sportz Boise. We were asked, "Are you scared?" And one of the guys said, "We all should be." All I could think was, "No. I'm not scared or nervous right now. I am just here to play." That statement alone, I thought was funny. As we went around the circle stating why we were auditioning, I simply said, "I wanted to scare myself." The fear of rejection was scary. The actual active of playing was not.
We started to play the games for the audition. I started to remember the games I learned in Improv 101. We played some of those games and it gave me confidence to keep playing. I found myself jumping up to play, while others sat scared in their seats. I found myself jumping into the square to tell my pun jokes, when last spring I couldn't think of one freakin' pun to save my life! Everything seemed so normal and natural to me. Nothing felt like a struggle. Nothing felt scary. Okay, one thing felt scary. The time commitment felt scary to me. If I made the team, do I actually have the time to do it? I decided that if I did make the team, I absolutely had and would make time. Why? Because this was for ME. It's not something I will be doing with anyone else in my family. This is strictly for me. It's a way for me to laugh on a weekly basis. It's a way to make new friends. It's a way to make others laugh. And its a way to help my brain heal and help build confidence in my brain again. So yes, I was doing this for me and I would absolutely make time for it.
The whole audition process was too much fun. Six complete strangers met on the "field" and played together. We went from strangers to a cohesive team. It was amazing to watch and be part of such a transformation. In the entire 8 weeks of Improv 101, I didn't feel that. Yet in 2 hours, 6 of us bonded and laughed and felt like family. It was fantastic!
We were sent outside for the Team Members to deliberate about who was going to make the Minor League Team. While we were outside, the 6 of us laughed and congratulated each other. Then we were brought back in. We sat down. All of us were nervous. Who would make it? As it turned out, for the first time in Boise's history, ALL of us made it! That has never happened. I MADE IT!!!
I was so proud of myself for putting myself out there. I didnt' think I would make the team. My past story and history was that I was not any good at improve. My brain is too slow. I can't make a pun to save my life. I don't react fast enough. But I decided to create a different story. I decided to go and play and have fun and not worry about what my past story and limiting beliefs are and I took a step in the forward direction. I transcended my limitations and created a whole new amazing opportunity for myself!
I am so very grateful to my friends and family who support me and encourage me to keep moving forward. I am grateful for the laughter that is in my life. And I am so grateful to be part of the Comedy Sportz Minor League Team!!!! Here's to more laughter in my life!!!
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