So in 3 days, it will be 3 years since Nick was killed in a motorcycle accident. That moment in time, completely changed the course of our family. Well maybe not completely, but it did change the courses of our children and my mom, and yes, I guess that changed a bit of our courses as well.
The first year after he was killed was so very difficult. We went through all of the firsts with out him. We thought that the first year would be the hardest and once we got through it, it would be "easier". We were wrong. The second year was the worst. Why? The first year we were in shock. By the second year, the shock had worn off and we were just in so much grief.
Now as we close in on the third anniversary of his death, I can honestly say that I have noticed a difference in my family.
My family will ALWAYS miss Nick. I know we are not the only parents to lose a child. I also know my children are not the only children to lose a sibling at such young ages. But not everyone will go through this kind of pain. This event has forever changed the way that we look at life. It has changed that way, we as parents, view the way in which we guide our living children. Tracy and I do not sweat the small stuff anymore. (Or at least what we consider the small stuff) Yes, we are more lenient on Naomi than we were our boys. (That would have occurred naturally as she is the youngest, but this is different.) We still have expectations for our children. We still expect them to grow up and be responsible, productive, independent adults. However, the timing of that looks different for our children.
Naomi's course was changed because her original career goals were centered around going into business with Nick once she graduated college. Her Freshman year high school classes were chosen because of these goals. But once Nick was gone, her passion and interest in them fell apart, and that is perfectly okay. In the last years, she has done things to challenge herself physically and mentally. She ran half marathons. She took aerial silks. She may not do those things anymore, but they made a HUGE impact on how she sees herself and how to reach goals and face her fears. She looks at things and asks herself, "Will this make Nick proud of me?" She started working with horses and learned so much from her pony. She gave up voice lessons and dove into her visual art as a means of expressing herself. She changed dance studios and found a home with women who support her like none other and challenge her to become a stronger and more expressive dancer. Naomi is willing to take risks now. She is stronger. She is trying out for things. She is involved in school. And just a few months ago, she and I were talking and noticed that life is so much better for her this year. She actually has friends in school. She enjoys going to school. She hangs out with her friends after school. And she is the "senior friend" that the younger kids are hanging out with. She is having a great year.
Nate took some hits when Nick was killed. He has always had a difficult time with jobs. He has some special issues that can be a bit challenging when it comes to work. But when Nick was killed, he was actually fired from his job for crying at work. And it has taken forever for him to get his feet back on the ground. Last year, he had a great job but it was seasonal. It was in that job that he met his current girlfriend. Nate has also had not so great luck with women. Nate has a HUGE heart, and for that reason, he has often fallen for women he felt he needed to fix or who just needed extra help. And Nate wanted to do that. Which meant, we got signed up for that too. LOL. He has struggled. But he takes his grief out on his guitar and singing. He is very talented, even if he doesn't think so. This year he got a job that he is passionate about. He loves the people he works with, and it is a great company to work for. I'm so proud of him for following his passion of working with people with special needs. And he just celebrated the 1st anniversary with his girlfriend, who is amazing. Things are looking up for him. Even he is feeling and looking lighter.
Tracy and I have found a way to connect again. Through grief, we had lost some of our connection. But we have stayed strong and together. This year, our connection has gotten better. We are finding more fun things to get involved in together. We are going out on dates again. We are laughing. We are hanging out with friends. We are making forward progress. And most days we feel lighter.
The grief doesn't suffocate us so much anymore. Yes, we have days or maybe just moments. But its not suffocating us all of the time anymore. This is a good things.
But what prompted this post was what I witnessed last night....
Naomi is creating "Nick pages" for her art journal. She is adding photos from life with Nick and her first memories of him after he was killed (like the memorials and his birthday and his college graduation that Nick didn't get to attend himself). She was in tears last night. I held her for a bit. But I let her get back to her work, and I to mine. I came back into the room to see her sobbing into Nate's arms. He held her for a long time while she cried. Then he sat down on the opposite side of the couch and listened to her talk about her art journal. About an hour later, Nate took her to Jack In The Box for a drink and to just spend time with her.
In that moment I was very grateful that we are not like other families. I have not pushed Nate out of the house. So many people tell us, "He is 24 (25 in a month); he should be out of the house by now. You are enabling him!" Some of that might be true. But those people who are saying that, have not lived in our shoes. There are so many nights that I have found Naomi and Nate hanging out in his room laughing over games are playing the guitar and singing or just hanging out together outside. Having Nate living at home during this healing stage of grief has been the best thing for this family. He and Naomi have grown so close. She loves him so much. Nate is quick with the hugs and comfort when any of us are upset. I know the time is coming for him to move on. He and his girlfriend are making plans. He will be moving soon. I'm sure of it. Naomi will be graduating high school in May. But even her plans have changed, and she has decided not to leave Boise for college. We are not like other families. We have lost someone so close to us, that the idea of leaving each other is a bit painful. We need each other still. However, I also know that this year is the first year that we all feel like we can breath and start to move on.....
This year, instead of being home with my family on the anniversary, I will be in Seattle at a Burlesque Conference that happens the same weekend every year. Nate will be working. Naomi has a dance performance that she will be doing and Tracy will be attending. Life is moving on. There will not be a big memorial bonfire for Nick this year. We will all just be doing our thing, but the date will not be lost on us. The best way we can memorialize Nick is to live fully and out loud, and that is exactly what we will do.
We may not be like all the other families who still have all of their children......but we have each other and I am so grateful for that!
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