I realized in the last couple of weeks I have become "that person". You know, we all have that person or people on our Facebook feeds that just kinda of emotionally vomit all over our news feeds. I have done that a time or two. But I feel like these last couple of weeks it has been so much worse. And I feel like it has been entirely too much. For that, my readers, I apologize.
I have spent some time wondering WHY I did that. And I spent time wondering why other people do it. And I realize it is because many of us are sitting in a house or an office alone with our feelings and Facebook gives us some kind of sense that we are being heard (even if most people roll their eyes and scroll on by). To be fair, I am grateful to those who didn't just scroll on by and who actually gave me some encouragement and support. And, like most people who are reeling on Facebook should, I went to see my therapist :).
So the question is, "Why did my DID (dissociative identity disorder) decide to act up?" The other question is "Why did it get so out of control?" Ever since Nick died, it has been making a come back, but I have been able to talk "them" down. But last Sunday I slipped down the rabbit hole and was unable to come out of it, and it scared me. It scared me for a couple of reasons. 1) Not being able to come back is frightening and 2) New personalities showed up that I had never met before.
Have you ever wondered what this feels like? I'm sure every person who has this issue feels things a bit differently. To me, a personality takes over. My body language and voice change and the way I act is different. But deep inside it is like me watching a movie of someone else's life; only I know it's mine. I sit in the background asking and begging to come back. I sit in the background trying to soothe the personalities that come up. They are there to protect me. They are not there to hurt anyone else. They are there to protect me from more pain. They started when I was raped as a young child. They held the memories that I could not handled for myself. I didn't know I had these issues until I was 30 years old; though it might explain some of my behavior as a teen. Anyway, the "real me" is stuck in the background while "the others" do what they do. Sometimes, most recently, it has been like a congress in my head. Several personalities talking about me like I am not there.. discussing how things should go and how best to "protect" me. Most of the time, my physical body just kind of checks out. But lately, these personalities have actually been taking over; which is why I decided to go back to the therapist.
A week ago, I had a really scary episode. I had a new personality show up. I have never seen him before. I have never had a male personality. He was dark and scary. Remember these personalities are here to protect me from some kind of pain. But this one was emotionally violent (towards me). None of my personalities are violent towards other people. NEVER. This personality told me things like, "You are worthless." "You are not enough." "You will never be enough." "Tracy can do better." "You are fat." "You are ugly." "You are a failure." And then he took this knife he held in his hand, and he stuck it in my throat and sliced me down the center of my body. I physically hurt from the emotional pain this personality was causing me. By this point, I had completely checked out. Then another new personality showed up. It was a "mother figure" in a white, long sleeved dressing gown. She came in calmly. And started talking to "the others". "Calm down," she said. "Let Martha come back. She is okay. She is safe. She can handle this." Every time I tried to fight my way back, I could feel "the others" grab a leg or an arm and pull me back down. They didn't want me to get hurt. But what about that one who was saying all of the mean things to me? If he was there to protect me, why was he being so emotionally violent? After taking time to think about it, I realized, he is the one who keeps me feeling small so that I won't take chances in my real life. I won't take risks. There is safety in remaining small and unseen. There is HUGE risk of being hurt by striking out and putting myself out there, which I have done a great deal of this year. And one of those risks (on that weekend) had started to cause some pretty intense anger and heart break.
So the question is what caused this "outbreak"? And how can I take care of myself so this does not happen again?
Some things shifted and changed last Saturday and a relationship ended. The transition of this relationship, along with the timing of being overly emotional from the 3rd anniversary of Nick's death just a week prior, was the catalyst to this outbreak. I will never blame another person on my issues. It was my reaction to the situation that caused the issue. Here is what I have learned....
Tracy and I had a mutual friend who we both cared deeply for. However, we both started to feel a shift in things. Our intuition was screaming at us. But both of us decided to squash that intuition. And this was my first mistake. Our intuition is here to protect us.. to warn us.. to teach us. When we squash it and not listen to it, we are in effect telling ourselves that we do not trust ourselves and open ourselves up to a great deal of pain. Not only do I have my own intuition that serves to protect me, but I also have a husband that I lean on to protect me and help me feel secure. (This is not recommended. While he is an amazing human being, it should NEVER be someone else's job to make you feel safe and secure.) So when he wasn't listening to his own intuition about our friend and I wasn't listening to mine, things started to go awry. We found ourselves hurt. My DID decided to kick in. "Well, if YOU aren't going to protect yourself, WE will!"
So what I have learned is that I NEED to listen and trust my intuition. I also need my husband to listen to his, and I need him to listen to mine. No, I'm not saying he needs to do what I say, but I do need him to listen to what I am saying and after listening to me and then listening to his own intuition, if he finds out they are in agreement, then actions need to be taken on our end. We can not just have our intuitions talking to us, ignore them, and then passively let life stab us in the back. It shouldn't work that way. That is not what intuition is about.
So now what? Well, I will listen and act from now on. Or at least I will do my best.
I am still hurting. There are so many things I want to say but I can not say publicly. I am dealing with my stuff and and feeling what I feel. I just wish it wasn't so painful to lose a friend. I wish our friend could have shown me more compassion and understanding. But everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and I guess adding mine to their own was just too much.
What is the lesson??? Listen to your intuition, people :).
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