I was in therapy last week when my therapist said that anger is a secondary emotion. That shocked me. I thought anger *was* the emotion. But then again, I used to think jealous *was* the emotion, when in reality it is a secondary emotion. So if anger is a secondary emotion, what am I REALLY feeling?
That night, or maybe a day or two later, I can't remember, Tracy and I had a conversation about my outrage and anger. Earlier in the day, I was in a cashier line with a friend who was having issues with her hubby. She decided to buy him a soda because he was having a rough day. I told her she was a better woman than me. She told me that she doesn't have anger. She feels angry but when she gets all of the answers, the anger goes away. She says it does no good to keep that kind of anger inside. I agree with her. But I have huge anger issues. And then it dawned on me (at that moment) that my anger issues came, or at least so I thought, when the memories of my rape/sexual abuse came to me. I had a DID personality that held all of my rage. She is a 15 year old teenager named Carly who would rather skin people alive than to smile at them. I thought that is where my anger started and where it came from. And with my DID flare up recently, this makes sense. Instead of just processing and letting it go, or instead of pushing it down deep, I now HAVE to feel my anger.
The best way for me to describe the way I deal with anger is to use a metaphor of an alligator. An alligator doesn't kill people by chomping them to death. The stalk their prey and yes they take them into their mouths, but then the gator takes the prey into the water and does a "death roll" until that prey drowns and dies, then they eat their prey. That is how I deal with anger. I get hold of the person (or the thought of the person..not the physical person) and I grab hold of them and I drag them into the water and I don't let go until I do all the death rolls it takes until "they" or "the anger" is dead. Then I can internalize it (eat it) and be done with it. It sounds horrible and I understand why my anger looks scary to people and why if you are the person who made me angry, you feel unsafe around me. But the reality is, I would NEVER hurt another human being. I am more likely to hurt myself because the anger eats at me and scares me and sends me into a deep depression because I feel guilty for being so angry at someone.
Then as I talked to Tracy about all of this, I thought I had it figured out, but then I remembered being extremely angry with his brother's girlfriend back when we were Seniors in high school. My best friend started dating Tracy's brother. Tracy's mom didn't like me. And up until then, I was pretty much the "only girl" in the family. Tracy's sister had moved out by then. But my friend coming into the family made me feel threatened because Tracy's mom loved on her and doted on her and made her feel more loved and secure in the family, all the while not liking me. I felt threatened. So I got angry and acted out. Okay.. so that means my anger didn't come with my memories of abuse. Where did it come from? What does my anger today have in common with the anger from my teen years?
I remember shortly after I moved into my first apartment, I had a HUGE break down. All of the memories of childhood abuse had come pouring back to me. Okay, not ALL of them. The sexual abuse stayed buried for years after this. But this time was all about the non-sexual physical and emotional abuse. I got so angry. I started punching the wall of my apartment. I was screaming and crying. My anger had NEVER felt like that. NEVER. Not even with my friend in my senior year. It was so scary. I wanted to kill someone. I wanted to kill myself. The pain was so intense. Tracy stepped in front of me. He stood between me and the wall and told me to hit him so that I would not hurt myself. That was the first time I came in contact with that side of me. I thought I had it handled. Then the sex abuse memories came back with DID and an angry teenage personality.
I worked for years to integrate the personalities that came out with the memories. My anger was under control. Then Nick was killed. The anger came back with a vengeance. I thought it was just grief. Then I thought it was just about my hysterectomy mixed with the grief of Nick. Then I thought it was something else........
But today, I came across a memory on facebook. This is what it said...
"NeuroPscyh eval came back in...Good news: I am honest with how I feel. I am not certifiably crazy. I am a quick learner and make adjustments quickly. Repetition is a necessity in learning for me. I still get overwhelmed easily by auditory things, I need to ask people to slow down, take notes, and make adjustments in how I approach things (including school or new jobs..IE: modify work place and school place stuff). I am making progress, but even when they release me, I will forever have to keep doing my exercises. I *am* employable, in the right job with the right modifications. Stress (any kind of stress) will make my symptoms worse (any and all symptoms) so I need to manage my stress and my emotions. Oh ya..and apparently while I like to find the positive and think positive about everyone around me, I have thin skin, get my feelings hurt easily and can be quick to anger so learning to manage my stress level and emotions are key to my continued recovery and in any job I might take. And after they release me, if I get a job or start school and find I am experiencing issues, all I need to do is go back to my occupational therapist with specific issues, and they will help me find a solution. So there ya have it..."
In the last month my brain has been overwhelmed. I went to BurlyCon and fried my brain with amazing things. I was only home for a couple of days when Tracy and I had a trip planned to Twin to see a friend in a play. But there was tons of chaos and plans changing regarding this trip. It was very irritating and made me a bit angry. We went anyway. We went to the play. The play was very stressful. The lighting made my head go bonkers. Emotions started to run very very very HIGH. I got really angry by the first intermission and I about bit everyone's heads off. I managed to excuse myself each time I felt like that. But my anger became a reason for that friend to walk away from us. She said that I made her feel unsafe. She used this as a reason to walk away from us...instead of giving me time to see my therapist (which was already scheduled). It is her loss.
But given all of this information, I realized something. The ONLY time I get this angry is when women are involved. Men can do some really stupid shit, and I don't get this mad at them. But if you are a woman and you cross me, I am liable to take your head off. Why? Why do I get this angry at women?
Still talking to Tracy I realized that I have always leaned on men. I have leaned on men to make me feel secure...But that isn't entirely true. When I was a kid, I was the one in charge of protecting my little brother from abuse. I was the one protecting my mom from abuse. I watched my dad abuse my mom. He abused me. I watched him looking longingly after other women, and I felt myself feel jealous because I got insecure because *I* wasn't enough for him to stop looking at other women. I was in elementary school and I was thinking these thoughts. This is where my jealousy starts. This is where my insecurity starts. I was never enough for my dad. Will I ever be enough? In high school, Tracy's mom would throw girls at him and encourage him to date other girls because I was not good enough for her. He loved me, but that wasn't enough for her. She loved my friend more than she loved me. I have never gotten as mad at men because I look to them to protect me and women shake my sense of security. So all of my anger goes right to women... every single time.
This is something new I need to work on. And remember what my TBI specialist say. Keep my stress levels low. If a relationship is adding stress to my life, then I need to rectify that in some way. I need to remember to ask for what I need in order to protect my head from getting out of control and letting anger rage. It's another step in healing. Tracy and I have had some big conversations about this, and I'm sure we will be talking to my therapist about it this week. In the mean time, I am feeling so much lighter.
And on a happier note, I skated at the rollerdrome for the first time since I had a knee replacement and I had so much fun!!! I joined some friends and we all had a great time with our friends and kids. Skating makes my heart happy. It also makes Omi's heart happy.
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