And feeling old!
My 45th birthday is just around the corner. It's 16 days away. So far the 40's have been the best decade of my life. I have done so much and achieved so much! And I still have at least one thing on my bucket list to be checked off right after I turn 45...like 2 days later. But there is a huge part of me that is feeling rather OLD, and its really the first time I have ever felt this way, and I'm not sure I really like it. So immediately I go into "How can I change this" mode.
So we ALL know by now that I am looking at surgery for my back (again). My first back surgery was in 2005 (9 years ago). I don't have a date for this current surgery yet. Still waiting to see my surgeon on the 29th to tell him that is what I have decided to do.
Even though I have decided on back surgery, my mind still lives in denial. Like maybe I am making all of this pain up. (I have a whole childhood to blame for that *laugh*) I used to cry about pain in my body all the time and make my parents take me to the ER for X-rays. It was so bad, that my dad told me once, "If it is not broken, I am chopping it off." (What we didn't know back then, even though when I was 10 years old complaining about stomach problems and the doctor told her I had a spastic colon which is brought on by stress, that all of these visits were cries for help from the abuse I was going through.) So from that point on, I have always been scared to acknowledge pain and injury in my body and I have tried my damnedest to try and avoid the doctors for my pains and injuries. So yes, my back pain is resulting in surgery. But I still live in this denial. Like yesterday. I went for a bike ride. As I started out my bike ride, I thought my back was feeling okay. About 4 miles in, I felt my back starting to speak to me. I set it aside. I know I can do 12/13 miles and there is nothing I can really do to make this worse. The doctor told me to live my life as normal so we would know if things are getting better. So I kept going. I rode a little over 12 1/2 miles yesterday at ALMOST my regular speed. I also did hills (which reminded me how out of shape I have become). I thought to myself, "Wow, my back stopped talking to me. I guess I am okay." But by the time we went to bed last night and I laid down in my bed, my back was VERY angry with me. So much so, I had to take painkillers. *sigh* I keep thinking I am healthy and strong, but my body tells me other wise.
Then there is my left knee, which I had surgery on in 2012 after running all of those marathons and 1/2 marathons. I fell on it last June and it hasn't been the same. But for the most part it really hasn't been causing me a great deal of pain...until I ran that 6 miles in the foot hills 2 weeks ago. Oy! Usually, I have a hard time pinpointing knee pain. But now, I can tell you exactly where it hurts and what actions cause it to hurt the most. If I go from sitting "Indian style" to straighten my legs, it feels as though my leg is gong to snap apart just above my knee...where my quad attaches to my knee. Oh My Hell, does it hurt! Deep knee squats or even sitting in a chair with my knee bent to have my feet under my chair will hurt like none other. *sigh* It hurts enough that I think I need to go to the doctor for it.... Again. Tracy tells me to talk to the surgeon about my knee when I go in for my back. Ugg. I feel like I am getting old.
Actually, I feel like my body is telling me something and I'm just not getting the message. I do not want to give up dancing, swimming (which hurts my knee), running, cycling. I do not want to give up my active life that makes me happy.
Since my back injury, I have gained entirely too much weight (and I know I have already said that). But I'm saying it again, as I stepped on the scale today to see that I have gained even more weight. This has to stop. (And I know I have said that one before as well.)
So what CAN I do? I have 2 choices. 1) Continue with what I have been doing since I injured myself in January. Continue feeling sorry for myself and using food to make it feel better (which never works and only makes it worse). 2) Do what I CAN do. I can continue riding my bike until my surgery date. I can go swimming, but that is not cost effective right now at $10/pool visit. (We have decided joining the gym with the pool is not smart right now since I will not be able to swim for 6 weeks after surgery). And I can walk. Walking is the best exercise for someone who's body is screaming for a break. So here is what I have decided. From now until I have surgery.. I will be walking a 5K a day (3.2 miles or so). It's not much, but it is certainly better than nothing and keeps my body moving. I will continue dancing. And I am committed to better eating (or at least stopping the horrible Maverick visits) and saving sweets for special treats instead of every day or several times a day. I need my healthy body back.
I also cancelled my Weight Watcher's membership... I started it in 2011. Crazy. But I have not been to a meeting since February. When I go back there I feel as though I am some kind of failure cause I just kept gaining weight instead of losing it. I feel like I have lost my way. Since I am not going and really do not feel like going, I decided to stop paying for it. I know how to lose weight on my own. I know how to take care of my body. I just need to do it.
With all of that said.. I'm scared out of my wits (or at least very uncomfortable) with performing my first burlesque act. It is something I have wanted to do for so long....for at least 3 years. But when I thought I was going to do it, I imagined me being at my goal weight...not at the weight I am at currently. And its not even weight that is the issue. It's the size and fitness factor. But I am a firm believer in stepping outside of my comfort zone and owning who I am no matter what I look like. Of course, my age doesn't help either. I'm going to be performing with women much younger than me. *laugh* I'll be 45 years old by the time I am on stage!!! Who starts this stuff at 45? It seems as though the things I have wanted to do, I start doing at ages that seem "too old" for those things. Like starting roller derby at the age of 41 instead of in my 30s (when it first came out in Boise). Oh well. Burlesque is showing me that I have this sexy side of me that I didn't really think existed...so that is a good thing, right?
I don't think I would feel this "old" if my body wasn't hurting and weight wasn't coming back on so quickly. I just need to regain my composure and remember who I am... a Fierce, Sexy, Intelligent, Athletic Woman.. a force to be reckoned with!
With that said.. I'm lacing up my shoes, and going for a walk!
No comments:
Post a Comment