Sometimes the alarm goes off and you say, "I really don't want to get up this morning. I'm so tired. How am I going to make it?" You roll yourself out of bed and all you can think of is putting one foot in front of the other. What do you have to do first? Then what comes after that? That was my morning. I was purely exhausted this morning and trying to figure out how the heck I was going to make it through a day without Diet Coke. Then I took Omi to school and went for my walk and I was feeling great. I had one errand to run today, and when that was completed, I decided to stop by The Village at Meridian to check out LIVEFOR175 and see if there were any bikes available to ride.
Keke Luv is one of the morning DJs for KISS FM, and for the last 7 years (in April) he has stayed awake for 175 hours in order to bring awareness to Child Abuse Prevention. And every year, I bawl and cry my eyes out because (for an entire week) I am reminded of what my childhood was like. I remember the abuse. And I remember how far I have come. And every year, I say, "I'm going to go volunteer." Well this year, I just drove down there to see if there were spots available. This is the 2nd year, that the radio station has been powered by the peddling of bikes for this 175 hours. Earlier in this event, they lost power twice. To me that is like silencing a child who is being abused. So I NEEDED To get my butt down there to volunteer. I needed to go fight for those children who need someone to fight for them. I need to give those children hope!
When I drove by, all the bikes were full. I almost turned around and went home. But I decided to stop by just in case. Indeed all the bikes were full and the schedule for the remainder of the 175 hours was booked. On paper, they didn't need me. But I signed up to be on stand by. I went up the ramp to the bikes, and someone offered to dismount and let me ride. So I rode.
I road for 50 minutes while I listened to Keke do his thing on the radio. As I rode, I thought about my childhood. I thought about the times I hid. I thought about the times my little brother hid. I thought about the times I was asked to get the belt so that my dad could beat my brother. I thought about the times my hair was pulled. I thought about the times my brother was so mad at my parents he carved up the wooden furniture. I thought about the times we sat around the kitchen table with one of my friends over for dinner and my dad forced my little brother to eat something he didn't want to eat until he threw up and (and he still had to eat it) and how horrified my friend was (and still is when she thinks about it). I thought about the sexual abuse I survived. I thought about the multiple personalities I used to have as a result of my childhood. I thought about the little 4 year old personality who used to come out and cry while I lied there in a fetal position refusing to let my husband touch me. Then I thought about how my children never had to go through any of that! I thought about the cycle I had broken. I thought about the healing that has taken place in my life and how grateful I am for this life I have been given. It should never hurt to be a child, but I know there is life beyond that abuse. More importantly, I know there is a HAPPY and BLISSFUL life beyond that abuse! There is healing and forgiveness! So yes, I smiled while I silently rode that bike to keep the station powered and the message going.
50 minutes into my ride, another team showed up and they needed my bike. The time that they needed me for was over. I stepped off and let the next person take over. I stopped to get a picture with Michelle Heart and thanked her (and by proxy, Keke) for putting this on. As a survivor, it means the world to me.
Then I got in my car and it hit me. I started bawling. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't even know WHY I was crying..only that I was. So I honored that and sat with it and I cried. I sent a message to my hubby....
I stopped crying so I could drive home. I got home and as I took a shower, I started bawling again. And I'm STILL crying! I don't really know why. I think it is a mixture of gratitude for my very blessed life, sadness for the children out there who are still dealing with this, and for gratitude to Keke Luv, Michelle Heart and KISS FM for putting this on.
It shouldn't hurt to be a child, but I will say this. I am who I am because of what I have learned in my life....and I freaking LOVE who I am!!!! And riding that bike today, I got to celebrate that!
*****I should note that I mentioned forgiveness. My mom and I have had many conversations in the last several years and all is well and forgiven and we have a great relationship. I would NEVER do or say anything to disparage my mom (or dad, who has since passed away). They did the best they could with what they had at the time (but it has taken me lots of years and therapy to get to a point where I can say that).
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