You Know You Really Want To Learn Something When.....

You wake up in the middle of the night practicing it in your sleep!

So three of the things I really want to get down this belly dance season are the belly and chest rolls and well as the combined undulation and shimmy.  I have been stretching my back muscles in the hot shower after every walk...trying to separate my ribs from my abdomen.  I have been practicing belly rolls in the shower.  And I do all of these things in my car while I'm sitting at traffic lights.  But last night as I was sleeping, my abdomen really burned.  I was asleep and couldn't figure out why it was burning until I woke up enough to realize, I had been practicing my belly rolls in my sleep!  Well I guess that is one way to do it.  But when I woke up enough to realize I was doing it, I became conscious of it and ended up using my back muscles instead of my abs (turning into more of an undulation/body roll than a belly roll and my back started to hurt).  Funny thing, this desire to become a better dancer and better and what I love.  *laugh*  I bet I kinda looked like a dog running in his sleep. *laugh*

So it's been a week since I pushed the restart button on my health journey.  I have walked every day.  I would say I walked a 5K every day, but there was one day in there where I only walked like 2 1/2 miles cause I got a late start and Tracy came to pick me up for lunch.  (Excuses....I could have opted out of lunch, but I wanted to go.  Based on how much the salad was for what I got in it, I SHOULD have opted out. *laugh*)  Anyway, I walked in pouring down cold rain and in beautiful sunshine.  I stopped to smell the lilacs and I even got my dog out on a 3 mile walk that he swore would kill him.  He is such a silly dog!  He survived!  This morning, I walked my fastest sustained pace/mile for the 2-4 mile range at 15:02/mile.  This makes me very happy (even if my back hurt and I had to push through the pain).

My eating has been much better.  I have not given up the Diet Cokes completely.  In the last week, I have had 3 (which is down from probably 15).  We made 1 stop to Maverick in which I got a blueberry muffin and a Diet Coke.  Then yesterday I went to Subway and I ended up drinking 2 cups of Diet Coke with my sandwich.  It's an improvement. I'll take it.  Every day but 1, I have followed the Refirm plan.  I am not entirely certain my tummy likes all of the supplements.  I am hoping that its just a matter of getting used to the vitamins and stuff.  But I sure get queasy.  (I had this issue with Beachbody's Shakeology too.)  I will keep it up and see how it goes.

So for the physical accountability..... here ya go.  I released 2# from 206 to 204.  Bust stayed the same at 43", Hips the same at 46", Thighs the same at 27", Arms down from 15" to 14 1/2", Waist down from 40" to 38".  So down 2# and 2 1/2" over all.  That is physical progress.

Emotionally, I feel soooo much better!  Getting up every day and knowing I NEED To be out walking to reach my goals is so important to me.  I am such a goal oriented and challenge oriented person.  I need something to work towards or I am just lost along this path of life.  And I have really been examining my creative/dance side of things.  It has been an amazing journey, and its only been a week! *laugh*

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This week's chapter in Transformation by Bill Phillips is all about Exercise.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes....which I just proved for myself to be true in this last week of a 5K every day (well except 1 day).

"But dd you know that exercise has been scientifically shown to make us more intelligent, happier and more successful?  It's true!"

"Researchers at Duke University studied people suffering from depression for 4 months and found that 60% of those who exercised for 30 minutes, 3 times a week, overcame the condition without using antidepressants which is about the same percentage rate as those who use medication only in their treatment of depression."

"The best results were shown to occur in vigorous (intense) exercise performed consistently.  And the benefits continue as long as someone continues to work out."  (My side note:..... so don't stop working out.. it doesn't work so well. *laugh*)

I found this one particularly interesting based on my Traumatic Brain Injury:  "In addition, exercise boosts blood flow to the brain which helps it receive more oxygen and nutrients and it increases the energy of brain waves that are responsible for quick thinking, focus, creativity and problem solving."  Maybe that is why I (as well as some of my friends) do our best thinking while we are out running or cycling.

WARNING:  "Please realize that every week you don't get up and move for a few hours (walking, weight lifting, jogging) takes you another step closer to heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, depression, arthritis and osteoporosis."

Your simple prescription for health..which I found to be true this week:  "The scientific fact is that significant psychological and physical health benefits begin to occur with as little as 30 minutes of walking, 3 days a week."

ACTION STEPS...........

Based on the scientific evidence presented in this chapter, three specific exercise benefits that I am now holding the intention of personally experiencing are:
1)  Healthy Sustainable Weight
2)  Clearer More Creative Thinking
3)  Happy Disposition and Flexible Mind and Body

The amount of time I will make available for exercise each week throughout this 18-week transformation journey is:
I will continue on with my 5k/day training schedule until I have surgery.  So this is about 45 minutes to an hour or so every day.  I will also do the 2 hours of dance classes a week as well as 30 minutes/day rehearsal.  As soon as I have my surgery, I will get back to walking and dancing as quickly as possible.

Someone I can share my exercise plan with at the beginning of each week so he or she can help keep me accountable to my goals ad intentions is:
Well, aside from all of you blog readers, I have my family that I stay pretty accountable to.  They are always asking me how my walks went or if I am going out for a walk.  They are great like that.

Someone I can offer support, encouragement and friendly accountability to throughout this 18-week program is:
That is what I love about Facebook.  I have tons of friends who are out there exercising, training, and getting/staying healthy.  At least once a day, I am cheering someone on :).

Frankly Burlesque Explores Performance Art

So we all know that I love belly dancing, burlesque performances, storytelling, symphonies and musicals.  Heck, there isn't much that happens on a stage that I don't love from both the performance and audience perspective!  I also LOVE visual art.  So putting the two together should be a no-brainer for me, right?

For me it is about moving and stirring my soul.  There is something magical about going to a performance and walking away with a huge smile on my face or actually crying while watching the show.  There is something beautiful about going to a museum and seeing a piece of art on the wall and having it move me to visible emotion (and sometimes audible as I burst out laughing when I finally see what I'm really seeing or screech like a little school girl when the I realize that what I am really looking at is snakes instead of a rope or something).  Art is suppose to move me..and touch me.  It is suppose to make me think.  If it doesn't then, to me, it's missing the mark (or maybe *I* am missing the mark).

I used to love to teach art appreciation to kids in the elementary schools.  I used to love to perform puppet shows and stretch my skills to learn to use the marionettes.  I LOVE stretching my body and skills to learn something new in belly dance (and now burlesque).  I love the stretching my comfort zones, period.  It is how we grow.

So yesterday, after much mental debate, I decided I would check out Frankly Frankie's new Performance Art show at Pengilly Saloon.  I wasn't entirely certain what to expect.  I mean dancing in an of itself is a performance art.  But this, I was certain would be a different kind of experience.  I knew what to expect from one of the performers (as I have see him perform twice so far).  To be perfectly honest, watching him perform makes my skin crawl and stomach want to hurl.  What he does takes some serious balls.  He is a "side show" performer.  The kind you would go to the carnival and pay money to see.  He hammers a nail up his nose, lays on beds of nails... those kinds of things.  Just thinking about it makes me cringe.  He is good at what he does, but it really isn't my thing.  *laugh*  Kind of one of those performances you love to hate.  And I wasn't sure if I could handle another one.  I also wasn't sure if going to this show was going to be "worth" the pain it would cause me to sit in the seats available for 3 hours.  But at the last minute, I decided I wanted to go, and I'm glad I did.

Somethings I had expected...like a burlesque performer stripping down and using her body to paint on a  canvas.  Of course, Dapper Doyle and his famous nails.  Dan Costello and his amazing child like antics.  But other things, I didn't expect.  I did not expect such inspiring and heart felt performances that yanked at my heart and even left me feeling a bit un-nerved (in a good way) by Mr. Ferryman and AlejAndro.  Watching Frankie do a burlesque strip-tease for 4minutes 30seconds in complete silence while Dan held a clock ticking down the time was freakin' awkward and intense all at the same time.

By the time I left, I can say my mind had been officially *&%#@!

I left wondering what *I* could offer in the way of performance art?  My mind started reeling.  What have I seen on youtube videos or in real life that has inspired me? What have I seen already done.  What can I come up with that hasn't been done?  How could I get the same message across but in a different way?  How could I tell *MY* truth without words?  (Or could words be used..but in a different way?)

I am constantly thinking about what I have to offer in the way off performing in belly dance, burlesque and storytelling.  What is my "niche"?  Do I need a "niche"?  I have no idea.  What I do know is that the stage is my home.  I have never felt more alive than when I am on the stage (well I take that back..running a race makes me feel that way too).    As I sit here and type this, I do have an idea for performance art....one that no one else will have or can do...because it is my own story that I lived, that I wrote and the idea of how to turn it into something visual and provocative has now cemented in my head.  I guess now I just need to wait until I can perform it....I would need to speak with Frankie and I need to heal up from my pending surgery first. *laugh*

Anyway....if you have not stepped out into the art world recently, I would strongly encourage you to do so.  Do something today.  There are lots of opportunities out there to explore the world of the arts.  You don't even have to leave the comfort of your living room...or the mundane of your office desk.  You can YouTube "performance art" and take a look.  You can look up art in Pinterest.  But really, I would encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone so you can open yourself up to FEEL what the art  has to offer.  Check out a dancing performance, a symphony, a play, go to the art museum in your local town, check out an art class (many cities have a "paint and sip" kind of experience where they teach you how to paint while you sip your beverage of choice) or maybe try glass blowing.  Heck, go take a dance class!  Many dance studios will offer walk in classes for pretty cheap; go check one out and see how your body moves.  Do something!  Experience art!  Heck, forget classes, just go to the store and buy some cheap pains and some construction paper, go home and crank up some tunes, and let the music dictate your feelings and get to finger painting!    Or for the couples reading this....how about a hot art date night...    Love Is Art Kit.  I keep forgetting about this, and I so want to do it!

The point is..get out there and EXPERIENCE art!  Your life will be better because of it!

It Shouldn't Hurt To be a Child... KISS FM LIVEFOR175

Sometimes the alarm goes off and you say, "I really don't want to get up this morning.  I'm so tired.  How am I going to make it?"  You roll yourself out of bed and all you can think of is putting one foot in front of the other.  What do you have to do first?  Then what comes after that?  That was my morning.  I was purely exhausted this morning and trying to figure out how the heck I was going to make it through a day without Diet Coke.  Then I took Omi to school and went for my walk and I was feeling great.  I had one errand to run today, and when that was completed, I decided to stop by The Village at Meridian to check out LIVEFOR175 and see if there were any bikes available to ride.

Keke Luv is one of the morning DJs for KISS FM, and for the last 7 years (in April) he has stayed awake for 175 hours in order to bring awareness to Child Abuse Prevention.   And every year, I bawl and cry my eyes out because (for an entire week) I am reminded of what my childhood was like.  I remember the abuse.  And I remember how far I have come.  And every year, I say, "I'm going to go volunteer."  Well this year, I just drove down there to see if there were spots available.  This is the 2nd year, that the radio station has been powered by the peddling of bikes for this 175 hours.  Earlier in this event, they lost power twice.  To me that is like silencing a child who is being abused.  So I NEEDED To get my butt down there to volunteer. I needed to go fight for those children who need someone to fight for them.  I need to give those children hope!  

When I drove by, all the bikes were full.  I almost turned around and went home.  But I decided to stop by just in case.  Indeed all the bikes were full and the schedule for the remainder of the 175 hours was booked. On paper, they didn't need me.  But I signed up to be on stand by.  I went up the ramp to the bikes, and someone offered to dismount and let me ride.  So I rode.  

I road for 50 minutes while I listened to Keke do his thing on the radio.  As I rode, I thought about my childhood.  I thought about the times I hid.  I thought about the times my little brother hid.  I thought about the times I was asked to get the belt so that my dad could beat my brother.  I thought about the times my hair was pulled.  I thought about the times my brother was so mad at my parents he carved up the wooden furniture.  I thought about the times we sat around the kitchen table with one of my friends over for dinner and my dad forced my little brother to eat something he didn't want to eat until he threw up and (and he still had to eat it) and how horrified my friend was (and still is when she thinks about it).  I thought about the sexual abuse I survived.  I thought about the multiple personalities I used to have as a result of my childhood.  I thought about the little 4 year old personality who used to come out and cry while I lied there in a fetal position refusing to let my husband touch me.  Then I thought about how my children never had to go through any of that!  I thought about the cycle I had broken.  I thought about the healing that has taken place in my life and how grateful I am for this life I have been given.  It should never hurt to be a child, but I know there is life beyond that abuse.  More importantly, I know there is a HAPPY and BLISSFUL life beyond that abuse!  There is healing and forgiveness! So yes, I smiled while I silently rode that bike to keep the station powered and the message going.  

50 minutes into my ride, another team showed up and they needed my bike.  The time that they needed me for was over.  I stepped off and let the next person take over.  I stopped to get a picture with Michelle Heart and thanked her (and by proxy, Keke) for putting this on.  As a survivor, it means the world to me.

Then I got in my car and it hit me.  I started bawling.  I couldn't stop crying.  I didn't even know WHY I was crying..only that I was.  So I honored that and sat with it and I cried.  I sent a message to my hubby....

I stopped crying so I could drive home.  I got home and as I took a shower, I started bawling again.  And I'm STILL crying!  I don't really know why.  I think it is a mixture of gratitude for my very blessed life, sadness for the children out there who are still dealing with this, and for gratitude to Keke Luv, Michelle Heart and KISS FM for putting this on.  

It shouldn't hurt to be a child, but I will say this.  I am who I am because of what I have learned in my life....and I freaking LOVE who I am!!!!  And riding that bike today, I got to celebrate that!

*****I should note that I mentioned forgiveness.  My mom and I have had many conversations in the last several years and all is well and forgiven and we have a great relationship.  I would NEVER do or say anything to disparage my mom (or dad, who has since passed away).  They did the best they could with what they had at the time (but it has taken me lots of years and therapy to get to a point where I can say that).  

A Most Auspicious Day

They say rain on a wedding day is good luck!  I wonder if the same can be said for the day you start back on a healthy regimen?  I'm gonna say YES!  There is another reason why today is a very important day to start getting back to healthy living and taking care of myself....  Today would have been my dad's 77th birthday.  

The only picture I have of my dad...Christmas 1993

My dad died in 2008  of lung cancer (and he never smoked).  We had no idea he had cancer, until 2 weeks before he died from it.  Why?  Because he was so over weight and unhealthy (he was close to 500#).  Back in 2011, I promised myself to change my life and prevent that from becoming me.  I did great.  But somewhere along the line, I lost my way.  And in the past several months, I have watched my weight creep back up.  It's not really the number on the scale that bothers me so much as what it represents.  It is me not taking care of myself.  It's unhealthy choices manifesting themselves in weight gain which also manifest in high blood pressure, high blood sugar, achy joints, feeling sluggish and no energy, and just the general malaise.  This is not who I am.  That is who I used to be!  So I made a decision yesterday to get my groove back, and today, I feel it.  It is the same thing I felt on March 11, 2011 when I made the choice to join Weight Watchers and change my life.  I know it will stick this time (by stick..I mean for more than a week *laugh*). Several times since I completed my ultra marathon back in October, I have said I am getting back to it, but it only last a day or 2 or maybe a week maximum.  But today, I can feel it.  It's here and its stickin' around for a long while.  I guess it's my dad yelling at me from where ever he is.... "Don't be like me!!!!  Take care of yourself! Live your life!"  So even with a back ready for surgery, I am back at it......

Where I used to be celebrating my 40th birthday

Where I was at 42 just before I started running

The feeling I want to get back to....

My fastest Marathon, May 5th 2012 (just before my 43rd bday)

 Two weeks later finishing 2nd Marathon in 2 weeks to qualify as Marathon Maniac

This is my arsenal for the next 30 days......

I have been fighting the "snake oil" that I kept hearing about on the radio. Refirm from Complete Nutrition.  I'm not big on "magic pills".  But I also know that at this point in my journey, I need a kick start.  I'm looking at this the same way I look at anti-depressants for situational depression.  It's a good idea to help get you leveled off while you start to deal with the real root of the problem.  "Immediate positive reinforcement" to help build a base on.  So, I'm on this 30 day regimen as well as back to eating properly.  I am also taking this powder in my water that will help me get off the diet cokes (which when I drink also tend to come with chocolate and other bad for me things).  I am back to breakfasts at home.  I get up and make breakfast for me and Omi in the mornings instead of running through the convenience store on the way to school.

The book Transformation is an 18 week "work book" that digs deep into the issues.  It helps really get to the "why" and work on the "issues".  I used it way back in 2011.  It's a good way to restart this journey.  (Ya know the whole onion metaphor..just peeling back some more layers.)  So even though my regimen is starting with 30 days, I will do the 18 Weeks of this Book (since It will likely take me longer than 18 weeks to get to my long term goal) and post the answers to the questions in the book here on my blog. I will also post some quotes from the book.  As I am reading chapter 1, I am already finding new insights I didn't see before and I'm being reminded of things I had learned before but seem more appropriate now :).

I'm walking a 5K a day until back surgery. Today it was raining and I just put on my rain coat and went out there.  Though my back was not happy this morning.  This was the first time in several weeks that I felt like I needed a painkiller in the morning, but I didn't take one.  I think maybe carrying my hydration pack on my walk yesterday is what caused the severe back pain.  So, since I am only doing 3-4 miles a day, I decided not to carry any water with me.  Usually I just use the hydration pack for an easy way to carry water (I love to drink water while I'm running/walking) and my iphone.  *laugh*  Today, I had pockets in my rain coat and it was cool so no water was necessary.  I would also like to do some upper body weights, but I'm not sure how my back will handle it.  So I will start small with light weights and go from there and see how I do...just to tone my arms.

I also took measurements today.  And to be accountable, I am going to post them here.  The scale said 206#, Bust:  43", Hips:  46 1/2",  Thighs 27", Arms  15", Waist 40".   The most recent pair of jeans I bought were a size 14 in Levis, but I can just barely button my size 12 jeans that I bought from Maurice's back in November.  (I guess I'm between sizes..sorta.)  The 14s are a bit big (kinda) and the 12s leave one hell of a muffin top.  *laugh*

My goals through September:  A 5K a day until back surgery in May.  2 weeks after surgery be back to walking at least 2 miles a day.  Complete the 18 Week Transformation Book.   Get back into my size 10 jeans  and capri  pants comfortably and fit back into my bikini for summer!  Weight isn't going to be the biggest measuring factor; its how I feel and how I look, but the number on the scale will be part of this journey.  Complete the 100 days of happiness challenge (Join the challenge with me).  Complete the Idaho Wine Run September 28th...no running.  I just want to walk it and finish it.  I chose this Marathon because I know the race directors personally, and I know they will keep he finish line open for me until I finish and I can take an early start.  My goal:  under 8 hours (like my very first marathon in 2006).  I'm in no rush, but I want to do this after my back surgery and finish at least one race this race season.


Quotes and Answers from Chapter 1 of Transformation:

Quotes:

"...before taking on any challenging endeavor, it's vitally important to know both your base (point A) and summit (point B). Once you've clearly defined those points, then and only then is it possible to choose the right path for getting there."

"But halfway up the mountain is never a good time to quit.  It was then I learned to dig deeper and tap into my heart and soul to find the energy to continue on. Every time I did, I discovered more of my true inner strength."

"You see, as long as we're still the same inside, at the level of our thoughts, beliefs, patterns, and emotions, we simply haven't undergone true transformation.  It's because inward processes always precede external forms and events. And so that's where we begin; we turn our attention inward to take a look at where we are now with this first step of self-appraisal."


Questions:

Heart and Soul:  Having looked inward to do some soul-searching, three heartfelt reasons for making the decision to transform my health and life are:  

1)  I am tired of feeling tired and worn down.
2)  I want to live my life fully and happily.
3)  I want to continue breaking the cycle of obesity in my family.

Emotions:  In recent days and weeks, the three most predominant inner feelings I have been experiencing are:

1)  Feeling like a failure at my weight loss journey as the weight comes back on.
2)  Frustration at not finding whatever it is that makes me stick to my transformation (maybe the word is inspiration?)
3)  Guilty for not being a good example to my daughter for healthy living.

Mindset:  Three patterns of thinking or beliefs which may have limited my ability to change in the past are:

1)  Maybe I'm getting too old to be able to lose the weight.
2)  As long as I am running ultra marathons, I can eat whatever I want (as long as I'm burning the calories)
3)  It's just like every other time.. I lose weight and gain it back so why both to keep trying?

Body:  Three objectively verifiable statements which reflect my physical condition right now are:

1)  My weight in the morning, completely naked before I eat is 206# according to the scale.
2)  I have had to buy bigger pants twice since last summer (from size a size 10 to a 12 then to a 14)
3)  My pictures show a gain in size/weight.

Looking forward to the end of the 18 weeks.........

18 Weeks From Now:

Heart and Soul:  Three changes I will have made that show I am more aligned with what's important to me at a heart and soul level are:

1)  I am be back to my happy, positive, no-stopping me self!
2)  My family sees me continuing to set a good example for them.
3)  I am more energetic.

Emotions:  The three most predominant inner feelings which describe what I'll be experiencing are:

1) I feel Joy
2) I feel Freedom
3) I feel Unstoppable

Mindset:  Three new patterns of thinking or beliefs which expand my ability to make healthy changes for the better will be:

1)  I am unstoppable at any age and can accomplish whatever I put my mind to.
2)  Every day, with every eating opportunity, I make conscious decisions to eat mindfully (whether it is a healthy choice or a special treat).
3)  There will always be a layer of the onion to peel off.  This is not failure; this is growth!

Body:  Three objectively certifiable statements which will describe the new and improved condition of my body:

1)  I am back in my size 10 Jeans!
2)  I have released 20#!
3)  My pictures show a healthier, stronger version of me!



So there ya have it!  My re-commitment to my continued transformation!

Keeping it Real....

And feeling old!

My 45th birthday is just around the corner.  It's 16 days away.  So far the 40's have been the best decade of my life.  I have done so much and achieved so much!  And I still have at least one thing on my bucket list to be checked off right after I turn 45...like 2 days later.  But there is a huge part of me that is feeling rather OLD, and its really the first time I have ever felt this way, and I'm not sure I really like it.  So immediately I go into "How can I change this" mode.

So we ALL know by now that I am looking at surgery for my back (again).  My first back surgery was in 2005 (9 years ago).  I don't have a date for this current surgery yet.  Still waiting to see my surgeon on the 29th to tell him that is what I have decided to do.

Even though I have decided on back surgery, my mind still lives in denial.  Like maybe I am making all of this pain up.  (I have a whole childhood to blame for that *laugh*)  I used to cry about pain in my body all the time and make my parents take me to the ER for X-rays.  It was so bad, that my dad told me once, "If it is not broken, I am chopping it off."  (What we didn't know back then, even though when I was 10 years old complaining about stomach problems and the doctor told her I had a spastic colon which is brought on by stress, that all of these visits were cries for help from the abuse I was going through.)  So from that point on, I have always been scared to acknowledge pain and injury in my body and I have tried my damnedest to try and avoid the doctors for my pains and injuries.  So yes, my back pain is resulting in surgery.  But I still live in this denial.  Like yesterday.  I went for a bike ride.  As I started out my bike ride, I thought my back was feeling okay.  About 4 miles in, I felt my back starting to speak to me.  I set it aside.  I know I can do 12/13 miles and there is nothing I can really do to make this worse.  The doctor told me to live my life as normal so we would know if things are getting better.  So I kept going.  I rode a little over 12 1/2 miles yesterday at ALMOST my regular speed.  I also did hills (which reminded me how out of shape I have become).  I thought to myself, "Wow, my back stopped talking to me. I guess I am okay."  But by the time we went to bed last night and I laid down in my bed, my back was VERY angry with me.  So much so, I had to take painkillers.  *sigh*  I keep thinking I am healthy and strong, but my body tells me other wise.

Then there is my left knee, which I had surgery on in 2012 after running all of those marathons and 1/2 marathons.  I fell on it last June and it hasn't been the same.  But for the most part it really hasn't been causing me a great deal of pain...until I ran that 6 miles in the foot hills 2 weeks ago.  Oy!  Usually, I have a hard time pinpointing knee pain.  But now, I can tell you exactly where it hurts and what actions cause it to hurt the most.  If I go from sitting "Indian style" to straighten my legs, it feels as though my leg is gong to snap apart just above my knee...where my quad attaches to my knee.  Oh My Hell, does it hurt!  Deep knee squats or even sitting in a chair with my knee bent to have my feet under my chair will hurt like none other.  *sigh*  It hurts enough that I think I need to go to the doctor for it....  Again.  Tracy tells me to talk to the surgeon about my knee when I go in for my back.  Ugg.  I feel like I am getting old.

Actually, I feel like my body is telling me something and I'm just not getting the message.  I do not want to give up dancing, swimming (which hurts my knee), running, cycling.  I do not want to give up my active life that makes me happy.

Since my back injury, I have gained entirely too much weight (and I know I have already said that).  But I'm saying it again, as I stepped on the scale today to see that I have gained even more weight.  This has to stop.  (And I know I have said that one before as well.)

So what CAN I do?  I have 2 choices.  1) Continue with what I have been doing since I injured myself in January. Continue feeling sorry for myself and using food to make it feel better (which never works and only makes it worse).  2) Do what I CAN do.  I can continue riding my bike until my surgery date. I can go swimming, but that is not cost effective right now at $10/pool visit.  (We have decided joining the gym with the pool is not smart right now since I will not be able to swim for 6 weeks after surgery). And I can walk.  Walking is the best exercise for someone who's body is screaming for a break.  So here is what I have decided.  From now until I have surgery.. I will be walking a 5K a day (3.2 miles or so).  It's not much, but it is certainly better than nothing and keeps my body moving.  I will continue dancing.  And I am committed to better eating (or at least stopping the horrible Maverick visits) and saving sweets for special treats instead of every day or several times a day.  I need my healthy body back.

I also cancelled my Weight Watcher's membership... I started it in 2011.  Crazy. But I have not been to a meeting since February.  When I go back there I feel as though I am some kind of failure cause I just kept gaining weight instead of losing it.  I feel like I have lost my way.  Since I am not going and really do not feel like going, I decided to stop paying for it. I know how to lose weight on my own.  I know how to take care of my body.  I just need to do it.

With all of that said.. I'm scared out of my wits (or at least very uncomfortable) with performing my first burlesque act.  It is something I have wanted to do for so long....for at least 3 years.  But when I thought I was going to do it, I imagined me being at my goal weight...not at the weight I am at currently.  And its not even weight that is the issue.  It's the size and fitness factor.  But I am a firm believer in stepping outside of my comfort zone and owning who I am no matter what I look like.  Of course, my age doesn't help either.  I'm going to be performing with women much younger than me. *laugh*  I'll be 45 years old by the time I am on stage!!!  Who starts this stuff at 45?  It seems as though the things I have wanted to do, I start doing at ages that seem "too old" for those things.  Like starting roller derby at the age of 41 instead of in my 30s (when it first came out in Boise).  Oh well.  Burlesque is showing me that I have this sexy side of me that I didn't really think existed...so that is a good thing, right?

I don't think I would feel this "old" if my body wasn't hurting and weight wasn't coming back on so quickly.  I just need to regain my composure and remember who I am... a Fierce, Sexy, Intelligent, Athletic Woman.. a force to be reckoned with!

With that said.. I'm lacing up my shoes, and going for a walk!

The Creative Process...

It's not all sparkles and feathers...sometimes there are fireworks and heated debate (whether those happen in your own tormented brain or with a team you are working with).

Yesterday was a crazy day.  I knew what I needed/wanted to get done yesterday.  I wanted to transform a plain black bra into a burlesque costume bra.  I searched through Pinterest for some ideas and started to get bogged down with.."ooohhh..look at that!  That's pretty!"  I finally narrowed the ideas down to about 5.  Then I decided to try and combine 2.  I already had a pain of black sequined panties that I wear for "show" under my sheer black tutu, but I really wanted to find ruffled panties for burlesque.  I also wanted to find another white boa to turn my sad single strand skinny boa into a lush feathery boa (for show and practical reasons).  And the last thing on my agenda were pretty sparkles to add to my new pasties that were all white.  I wanted to add color to them.

With check list and ideas in hand, I headed out the door to JoAnn's figuring it would have everything I needed in one store.  (It did..for the most part...no panties).  I was playing with the boas when two 80(ish) year old ladies came by and one stopped and said, "Oh.  That's very pretty!"  The other stopped and agreed but then added, "But I think you are in the wrong line of business."  (Not sure what my gray capris and green outdoor science school t-shirt said about me, but I guess It didn't scream, "I wear feathers to work.") Anyway, I couldn't pass up the opportunity, and I smiled and replied, "Actually, I am in the right business."  The two old ladies giggled like little school girls getting way with a naughty secret.  It was too cute.

After going through almost every isle of the store, I managed to collected everything I needed to create magic!  The cashier said, "You look like you are in for one heck of a fun challenge."  When I was gathering things, it all seemed "easy" in my head.  Ya.. about that.....

So here are the two ideas I wanted to combine:

 


I gathered all of my supplies, and took a before picture......

Then it was time to get to work.  First, I worked on the broach/center piece.  It was a bit more challenging than I thought it would be and after some trial and error and pulling out my beads to add more then realizing I was good with what I had, I decided to put the finishing touches on it.  I think it came out beautifully. And I thought THAT was the hard part!  I thought the next part would be easy.

Next came the feathers on the bra. See, the pink bra up top, I thought it was using feathers, but after dealing with MY feathers, I have decided the used some kind of material. Maybe tule?  Then added the ribbon and the rhinestones.  Hard to tell from the picture.  Anyway, working with feathers and hot glue....NOT EASY!  I had so many blisters.  And I didn't remember hot glue ever going that fast.  I need more hot glue sticks!  Originally, I had planned to mix white feathers with black feathers then I decided that wasn't going to work, at least not the way I had started it.  (Maybe I can do it differently next time.)  I got the layer of white feathers on the bra and it looked like a hot mess to me!  I was so frustrated.  I kinda started just putting rhinestones on and it looked awkward and weird because the feathers weren't laying flat.  But I DID, use a secret trick.  Once the feathers were glued on, I used hair spray to kind of get them to lay down and behave nicely.  But still the rhinestones were a no go.  The pink bra called for ribbon to go across the cup of the bra.  I tried that. I think my sequined ribbon is too small. I tried to double up.  It looked horrible.  I added the broach and took a picture. It still looked like a hot mess to me.  I was so frustrated.

I expressed my concern to Tracy and he said, "Well if its that bad, you can always take it all off and start all over again with something new."  *sigh*

So that was my creative drama yesterday.  But I also got to witness and be privy/part of another creative drama yesterday that was rather entertaining and enlightening.  I went to a meeting for the Salmon Social gang yesterday.  Sam (the marketing queen) and Wolf (the documentary maker) created a script to be shown to high powered influential people of Boise.  Sure that sounds like no big deal, until you hear, they want it filmed on THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY to be shown on Monday or possible Tuesday.  Not only did they need to find filming help, get locations locked down and lock down actors, they needed the software development team and the graphic designer guy to work magic to prepare for this.  They wanted to film Stage 2 stuff when development was still in Stage 1.  And they wanted it done in less than 48 hours!  This was a weeks worth of full-time work they wanted done in what amounts to maybe 10 hours of free time. (The software developers have full time jobs elsewhere....and families).  Oy!  Talk about drama!  Bryan, the CEO wants magic done NOW and believes EVERYTHING is possible.  One developer is an "I can" kind of guy and the other is like.. "You can, but we have no time!  It's impossible!"  2 1/2 hours later of back and forth intense conversation about a creative process.......  I watched them go from "NO!" to "This can happen if we make a few changes and compromises."  It was a very interesting meeting and I'm really glad I got to go (for a couple of reasons).  1) Watching them work is amazing.  2) The documentary of making this Social App is going to be freakin' amazing because of this raw emotion and passion everyone has for this project  (yes, this meeting last night was filmed.) 3) It reminded me much of my own creative process with this freakin' bra!

So this morning, I woke up with fresh eyes and looked at my bra.  I ripped off the sequined ribbon I had glued on there.  I attached the broach.  I went to my bedroom and put on the entire outfit I have created and I practiced the dance.  It was stunning.  There is maybe a bit more I will do to it. Like adding feathers to the back straps or doing something to the back straps to make it look more "show girl" and less "utilitarian".  And the straps themselves need some bling to them.  But other than that... I think I will leave the white feathers alone.  They may need a bit more at the bottom and a bit more at the top, but other wise, I have decided "Less is More".

The ideas of "Less is More" and "Simple" and "Elegant" when creating something is important to keep in mine other wise, we lose our message. We lose our intent.  And sometimes it can cost us the whole project and/or money in the process.  Learning when to pull the plug and to call it "good" is one of the biggest lessons a creative person and/or a team leader can learn.

Right after I practiced with my feathered bra and decided "Less is More", I came back to my computer and I found a blog from Bryan, the CEO of Salmon Social.  And I found him feeling the same kinds of things I had been feeling.  I found him thinking the same kinds of things I had been thinking.  (He and I are alike in many ways.)  His is a great blog about knowing when to say when!

Putting the Breaks On at Salmon Social


I'm feeling much better about my creative process and the emotions I feel behind it.  I know that sometimes things seem dark and impossible and sometimes you just want to throw it all away.  But don't ever give up.  Listen to your intuition.  Your gut will never lead you wrong.  Have fun with the experience and be open to the possibilities!  The gains in the long run will be so worth it!!!!

This, That and A Bit of Everything Else

Burlesque and The Cure For A Bad Attitude......

First things first... Burlesque!!!

Last Saturday, I had the most fun taking a Bare Necessities 3 Hour Burlesque Workshop with Frankly Frankie (one of Boise's Burlesque performers).  She graduated with a degree in theater, and she is talented in so many ways.  She teaches a Burlesque class at a local dance studio, and I signed up for 5 classes, but only managed to get to 1 before my back got so bad.  I was really sad because the class was learning choreography with the intention of performing at her monthly performance at Pengilly's Saloon.

Anyway, when I saw she was offering a 3 hour workshop and would be teaching us a choreography with a boa, gloves and teaching us how to make pasties and twirl tassels, I could not resist!  I had to take the class.  The class ended up being small with 5 students of varying ages and body types.  We also had varying degrees of comfort(ability) with our bodies and how much we wanted to show off.  This is one of the reasons I love Burlesque.  It doesn't put a size limit on performers and it encourages women to perform to their (comfort)ability and grow.  To me, it is much like bellydancing in that respect.  It's about celebrating our femininity.

A little while ago, I had a conversation with a friend who is also a bellydancer.  We were talking about Burlesque and she shared her opinion with me about Burlesque in Boise.  She mentioned that she thought that Burlesque in Boise is lacking in dance.  She felt as though there should be more dance than strutting from one side of the stage to the other while you teased and stripped.  I had to think back to all of the Burlesque shows I have been to.  None of them are like the movie Burlesque.  But there are a few here in town which offer more than just stripping.  There IS dancing.  There is singing.  There is comedy.  And yes, there is the sensual tease of undressing to a degree.  So when I went to class with Frankie and she started going over the "general dance moves" of Burlesque, I realized that most of the general dance moves are the SAME as belly dancing and if I paid enough attention to the performer on stage, I would see these moves being performed.  And there IS dancing..but it really just depends on the performer.  So I was excited to learn what Frankie had to teach us and really see what can be done.....

We started with learning the choreography with the Boa.  Then it moved to learning how to seductively take off the long gloves.  Then we learned how to tantalize our audience by removing our bras (to show off our beautiful pasties with tassels attached).  Then it was on to learning how to twirl the tassels...which is NOT an easy task.  It really is a skill to be learned (much like hula hooping, in my opinion).  Actually, it felt like hula hooping...."How do I get these things to spin the way I want them to?!!!"  There are several different methods in which to spin the tassels, and I finally found the way that works and looks more elegant for my body.

The whole choreography is beautiful, sensual, and just plain fun to dance!  And for the first time since I have decided to play with Burlesque, I actually felt sensual and graceful as opposed to completely awkward and quirky!  Maybe there is hope for my sexy side, yet!  *laugh*

The best part was learning how to spin those tassels.  Why?  Because that is where you can let it all hang out... and NO, I'm not just talking about breasts.  I'm talking about body image insecurities.  Women, we are are our worst critics!  And we think the rest of the world is going to judge us.  It's like being in that stupid junior high or high school locker room all over again!  "What is she going to think about me if I show that much skin?"  "My boobs are bigger/smaller than hers."  "I'm old, and my boobs hang down to my knees..not like the 20 something next to me who still has perky ones!"  *laugh*  "Look at my belly and its stretch marks from having 3 babies!"  Then it switched to, "Wow!  Look at your beautiful tattoos!"  "It's okay, if you don't want to get down to a bra." "It's okay, if you don't want to lose the bra."  "EVERYTHING is okay..there are no judgements here."  Then we all played to our comfort(ability) and what happened was absolutely glorious!  We all learned to spin those freakin' tassels, and we all laughed, and we all played.   In that moment, we were all one with nothing separating us.  We all just celebrated being sexy, silly, and learning something new!  It was a magical moment.  And when we did the entire choreography, what we saw in the mirrors was phenomenal!  A group of 6 women (including Frankie) being sassy, sexy, empowered, and having entirely too much fun! It was a beautiful thing!

This is a group picture of our Burlesque class

We have the possibility to perform this choreography 3 times in May...right after my 45th birthday.  Today I was thinking, if I actually do this, I think I may be the oldest Burlesque performer in Boise.  *laugh*  Not sure if that is a good thing.  Why have I waited so long to follow some dreams?  I was fresh meat for Roller Derby at the age of 41 when most people were retiring at that age.  I never made it on to the team...my knees are just too old for that.  But I had a great time.  Now, I'm looking at Burlesque at 45 years old.  I guess its better late than never.

After the Burlesque class, Tracy and I joined Frankie at a Burlesque show in downtown Boise.  I didn't take any pictures there, but it was tons of fun, and I loved sitting next to Frankie and listening to her comments :).  Frankie won the raffle that night, which included a set of pasties that were made by the gorgeous Dottie Minx.  They would not fit Frankie so she gave them to me.  I'm so excited!!!  They are beautiful, and I'm going to add some more bling to them, and they will be perfect for our performance.

The top pair with the black tassels are the ones

from Burlesque class.  the bottom pair with white

tassels are the ones that Dottie Minx made and 

Frankie won and gave to me.  Yay!!!

They are so beautiful.  I'm going to add just a bit more bling

to them I think..to add some more color :).

Sunday night we went to see Frankly Burlesque and cheer on

Frankly Frankie and the rest of the performers.  This is Frankly Frankie

and her partner is crime, Dan Costello.

The Fabulous Dottie Minx

Frankly Frankie and Dan Costello

So, my weekend was filled with lots of fun and creativity!  I do love dancing in all of its forms.  I love performing, no matter what it is.  And it really makes me think about what brings me the most joy.  Of course, all of that fun came with a price....my back hurt and by Sunday night, I was taking pain killers which had me sleeping the day away on Monday.

Today, I woke up feeling like it's Monday instead of Tuesday.  I had crazy, bad dreams which did not help my mood upon waking up.  Then I had to go to the grocery store, but felt horribly uninspired in the cooking department.  That makes it very difficult to want to go to the store. Plus my back was hurting and I knew this was going to be a painful shopping trip.  Eventually, I got the grocery list made and I drove to the store. Once I got there, I was grumpy still.  I sat in my car trying to figure out reasons to NOT go in. I have NEVER felt this way about grocery shopping.  Finally, I just shut the car off and gathered all of my momentum and headed into the store.  I shopped, and it took all I had not to bite off every person who decided to block an isle with their cart or whatever.  It doesn't help that while I was shopping I got a call from the dentist. I No-showed.....AGAIN!  I have officially become one of THOSE people. I NEVER used to do that.  And that made me even angrier at myself.  Finally back in my car, with an aching back, I just hoped Nate would be home to help me get the groceries in.  When I got home, I found he was not.  I sat in my car for a bit before deciding to just suck it up and do it myself.

Once I got all of the groceries in the house, I knew my attitude was very VERY bad.  I had even mentioned it to Tracy.  And he asked me, "Is life really that bad?"  Well, NO.  It's not.  So I decided I needed to focus on what I am grateful for.  First of all there is this......

I have the money to go grocery shopping and fill my cupboards 

and refrigerator with food for my entire family.

I have a car that can get me to the grocery store.

Even if I am in pain, I can still get myself to the grocery store and shop.

I have healthy and amazing children.

I have a fantastic husband who supports me in all the crazy things I do.

I have dance.

I can read.

I have choice.

I have love.

I have laughter.

I have a beautiful home to live in.

There is so much to be grateful for... including this...

I LOVE ICE!  But not just any ice.  I LOVE SOFT CRUNCHY HOSPITAL ICE!

Nugget Ice making it into Maverik just about made my day!!!!  I will pay the price for the cup just to get ice to munch on!!!!

So there you have it.. the cure for a bad attitude... Gratitude!  What are you grateful for?

Call it Frustration, Strong Willed, Stupid, or Whatever You Want to.....

But I had to try!!!!

So Way back when I went to see my favorite surgeon, he told me to do everything I would normally do on top of my physical therapy. That was the only way we would know if I needed to have surgery.

I tried riding my bike.  My back hurt after an hour.  I went back to belly dancing and focused on that for the Oasis Dreams performance.  All of that belly dancing hurt my back, but I did it.

Last week, or whenever it was, I went back to the surgeon and he told me that we have until April 29th to decide whether or not I live with the pain or have surgery.  So..more PT until then.  Of course, he suggested 3x/week and I only had 4 more PT appointments left in my insurance plan and I already had 1 scheduled.  To pay out of pocket would be $160 per visit....times 3???? Oh Lord!  So I scheduled my last 3 appointments that I had left with the PT (one a week).  I went to get a massage (that my surgeon suggested, but of course insurance doesn't cover).  I went specifically to get cupping (which my PT and I had discussed).  But I don't think the cupping did what I wanted it to do.  And after seeing my PT today, he agreed.  As a matter of fact, I saw "it" on my PT's face today.

Yesterday after my massage, I went to lunch with Tracy.  I told him that I don't think the massage did what I wanted it to do.  No fault of my massage therapist, who is awesome!  But, I could feel the injury when he (lightly) rubbed over it.  It's the INJURY that hurts.....not the muscles around it.  Even though, my muscles are angry, it's the INJURY that is causing me the most pain.  With Tracy's help, I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I need the surgery.  The thing is, as long as I'm not doing anything, the pain is minimal and bearable.  But when I do intensive workouts, I am toast.  If I didn't ever want to do anything, that would work.  But my lifestyle is an active one, and not being able to play in the mountains is killing me!  I have gained 25# since this injury in January!  (yes much of that is poor eating choices...and that comes from me being frustrated and feeling like a slug.)

So today, I went to PT.  We talked about the massage and the way that I am feeling.  I am making some progress, but the fact is, I am running out of PT.  Cupping didn't do what I thought it would do.  I still have pain.  My PT is pretty amazing, and he is trying different things, but the fact is, with the strengthening exercises, the trigger point therapy, the facia work, the manual adjustments, I still have  pain at the injury site.

Since I had PT at 8am this morning, I had planned on going for a walk on the greenbelt right after, since I was right there in the same parking lot.  But instead, I decided to do my favorite 6 mile loop at Military Reserve.  I have not played in the foothills since November. I haven't done ANY hill training since November (even if I have done 8 miles of flat walking since my back was hurt).  Hill training is different and exactly where I want to play. With Oasis Dreams behind me, I can go out and play and not worry about being toast.  So to the foothills I went.

I was totally not dressed for a run in the foothills.  Yoga pants, long sleeved yoga shirt, regular fancy Victoria Secret Bra, but at least I had my trail running shoes on.  I also didn't have any water on me and it was gonna be a warm one.  But it was only 6 miles..I figured I would survive.  The first 3 miles or so is up hill so I power hiked up there as fast as I could (with being this out of shape).  I saw no signs of wild life, except for some pretty song birds and my friend Alexander and his pup who were coming down from the hills.  There is nothing like a sweaty hug from a fellow trail runner that you haven't seen in MONTHS!

The views of the city below were just gorgeous!  It was a truly magnificent day to be out there!  I also realized that I freaking need a hat or a haircut before I go back out running!

Once I got up the hill as far "up" as I was going to go and got to my favorite trail to run down, I tried very  hard to restrain myself.  "Do not run.  Do not run.  Running will hurt.  Just walk.  Do not run."  But I couldn't help it.  Sometimes the heart and the feet want what they want and running just happens! I let my heart and feet do what they wanted to do..bad bra and all.  Talk about painful!  Not sure what hurt worse, the boobs are the back!  Anyway, I ran and my heart soared!  I almost cried from pure joy!  It was so beautiful out there.  I was on my favorite trail.  The sun was shining.  The breeze felt amazing and my feet were running!  FREEDOM!!!!!  Now if I could just ignore the pain.  I did my best.  "Go ahead, Back.  Go ahead and hurt!  Right now, I am running and celebrating the fact that I can, at least in this moment, and I will deal with you later!"  

Finally, I came to the end of my favorite trail and it was time to climb back up the hill for a short bit.  I power hiked back up that hill and over to the next down hill segment.  I unzipped my shirt, (too much cleavage) and cooled off a bit.  But once I came to a cyclists stopping to take pictures and catch his breath, I had to zip back up.  Didn't want him seeing too much *laugh*  It is so fun to run into people on the trails.  People of all ages, sizes and shapes..some with dogs, some alone.  This particular guy was a bigger guy and said... "Taking pictures..its the best excuse to catch my breath."  I've totally been there!  Back down I went and met a few more friendly dogs and greeted a few more friendly humans all out there enjoying the beauty that Idaho has to offer.  Our foothills really are the treasure of Boise!  They are totally my happy place!

Finally down off the mountain and into the valley along the water run off.  I am by myself again and enjoying the day.  But by the 5 1/2 mile mark, my body said.. "You have gone too far."  *sigh*  I used to run 24 miles for FUN and now 5 1/2 miles is too far.  That is okay, it was a beautiful day and I had to find out what my body could do so that I would be completely certain about surgery.  Unfortunately, my car was NOT at 5 1/2 miles and I had to keep going.  *laugh*

I finally reached the stairway to  heaven.  I remember the first time I did this 6 mile loop.  I remember the first time I saw these stairs.  They happen to be at the tail end of the 32 Mile Foothill Frenzy Ultra Marathon...some kind of sadistic joke.  The fist time I took them, I thought I would die.  The day of the Frenzy, I OWNED them.  Today????  I RAN UP THEM!  Take that, aching back, tired legs, and extra 25#!  The view from the top of the stairs was stunning!!!

From this point, I ran the rest of the way to finish off my 6 miles.  Yes, it hurt. But I didn't care.  I was running!  The fastest pace I have ever finished this route was a 14 minute mile.  My average is a 15 minute mile.  Today I finished with a 17 1/2 minute mile....with an injured back, and no running OR hill training since November and a 25# gain!  Not too shabby!

I didn't know how bad my back was hurting until I went to sit in my car.  My spine was NOT happy about bending and sitting!  Then I had to go grocery shopping and I felt my back locking up (which I now believe is its way of protecting the injured disc).  Whatever. I did it!  Look at that smile on my face.. does that look like the smile of a woman who regrets what she did?

Now that I have rested my back, I guess its time to finish putting away groceries and get dinner started. Pass the pain killers please :).