First I looked up these two words on dictionary.com.........
Entitle: verb (used with object), entitled, entitling.
1. to give (a person or thing) a title, right or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim
2. to call by a particular title or name
3. to designate (a person) by an honorary title.
Spoil: verb (used with object), spoiled or spoilt, spoiling.
1. to damage severely or harm (something), especially with reference to its excellence, value, usefulness, etc.
2. to diminish or impair the quality of; affect detrimentally
3. to impair, damage, or harm the character o nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc
4. Archaic. to strip (persons, places, ect.) of goods, valuables, etc. plunder; pillage; despoil
5. Archaic. to take or seize by force.
I have to say that when I started rolling this blog around in my head, I thought, "I was the most spoiled child on the planet." But then I read these definitions. Guess what, people, "entitlement" did not start with the kids born in the late 80's to late 90's. I was born in 1969 and I had a crazy sense of entitlement.
I was an ungrateful brat on so many levels. Yes, my early childhood was filled with pain and abuse, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. Was this my parents fault for raising me this way? I doubt it. And in the end, I think I turned out okay. But why did I turn out okay? Because at some point, my parents said "Enough is enough. We are not funding you anymore." I remember that exact conversation. But before we get to that, let's go back to the beginning. (Fasten your seat belts, you are in for a bumpy ride!)
I was the 3rd child and only girl. I would snoop in my brothers rooms to find things to tattle on them for. I was a huge brat. Some of that may have been a way to divert the bad kind of attention I was getting onto my brothers, but it doesn't make it right. What it did do was set a precedent with me. I never got in trouble for snooping, invading privacy, or for tattling. My brothers always got into trouble because of my actions. And I was always favored. So it encouraged my bad behavior. Somewhere deep this taught me that I was going to get my way. (at least I think it did) (**** Matt, Mark, Michael.. I'm truly sorry for the brat that I was.)
Besides being a terrible tattle tale, I just grew up getting my way, and if I didn't I was furious. For example, I knew (kind of) that my dad earned more than the average person. I'm not sure how I knew this or WHY I knew this, but I did. Every Friday night, my mom would drive me to the roller rink, drop me off and pick me up at midnight (or whatever time it was over). Every Saturday morning, my mom would drive me back to the rink to drop me off for lessons and for me to stay the session right after lessons. And sometimes I would skate on Saturday nights and for all nighters. This happened for years. I lived in the roller rink. (It is what kept me sane..it was my safe place. I know that NOW, but back then, I just felt like it was my parent duty to make sure this happened for me.) When my parents said, "We can't take you tonight; we don't have the money." I would get irate and throw a temper tantrum. "What do you mean we don't have money? Its only $5!" To my elementary school head, I saw my parents taking us out to eat or taking us to breakfast at the convenience store every day, so why didn't I get $5 to go skating?
As I got older, my mom and I would take trips to the mall. I grew up in Richardson, Texas. That is a suburb just north of Dallas. There were at least 4 major malls within 15-20 minutes away in most directions. Going to the mall was what we did for fun. My mom loved to shop. Somewhere along the line, I thought that if we went to the mall, it meant I automatically got something. If my mom didn't buy me something, I would be furious. I felt like it was her duty to buy me whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
When I was 10 or 11, my dad was working in Sweden and we were supposed to go visit him over winter break. My mom took me shopping at a consignment store. I felt "icky" for having to buy used clothing. When we didn't get to go, I was furious. When I was 12, my dad was working in England. This time my little brother and I DID go to England over summer break. We spent a month in England living in my dad's flat. We toured cathedrals and castles and museums. I was furious the entire time. How dare they make me live in Europe over the summer when I should be at home with my friends. How are my mom make me run and go and see amazing architecture and historic places. I flat out refused to go out one day. I told her that I needed the day off. Then I insisted the next day we do something *I* wanted to do, like go to the zoo. I was a Class A brat!!!!
Fast forward to my parents selling my childhood home when I was 18 years old. Dad had to move to Florida the year before cause that is where he got a job. My plan was to go to secretarial school after graduation and I was engaged to be married to Tracy. I was NOT moving to Florida. Not only did I insist my parents pay for my apartment (since they are leaving me) but I also insisted on a new-to-me car be purchased for me since the Yugo was always breaking. They couldn't leave me in Texas with a car that didn't work. It was their job to provide me with a car and an apartment. My parents actually went along with this...for a year. They bought me the truck I insisted on having even though my dad knew it would break. Sure enough, my dad ended up replacing an engine and a clutch and I can't remember what else. He paid for my apartment, but I also had to work part time to help pay for thing like utilities and food. My dad also paid for my car insurance and I had a credit card (in his name). I was given an allowance which I used entirely every time.. and much too soon. I was always calling and asking for more money. And it would always be given to me. All I had to do was cry and bat my eye lashes and I got what I wanted. Until one day, I didn't.
I was at Tracy's folks house using their phone. I was crying cause I needed money again. My dad told me, "No. I am not giving you any more money. You need to figure this out on you own." I was so hurt and angry. How the hell was I suppose to live on my own and pay my own bills? I was 18 years old. I was in school full time. I was working part-time and that was not enough money to live on my own. I had rent. I had utilities. I had bills. So I quit secretarial school and I got a job working full time as a secretary.
I was still so entitled. I thought it would be okay to go to my job at a very prestigious property contractor office and use their time and resources to plan my wedding. I got fired (shocker). I still had bills to pay, and now I also had a brand new car that my dad co-signed for when my truck's engine went out a second time. I had more bills. I had to work. I immediately signed up with a temporary agency who found me work until I got fired again.
All of this time, I was planning a wedding and paying for it. My parents paid for my wedding dress; that is it. The reception food was finger foods brought by church members. The wedding cake and decorations, I paid for. To pay my utilities and bills, I sold and pawned jewelry that I had inherited (something I am horribly ashamed of..but I didn't' wear it an I needed the money and my parents weren't helping me).
Eventually I got another job as a temp (who wanted to hire me permanently). I found out I was preggers 2 weeks before the wedding. My dad told me that as soon as Nick was born we could move in with them and Tracy could go to college there and hopefully go to work with him eventually. Tracy and I agreed that was the plan. But before we could do that, we had to make enough money to afford the move. After Nick was born, I quit my job and we moved into a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment in Arkansas with Tracy's folks, brother, and friend. There were 6 (sometimes 8) adults and 1 newborn living in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. I knew no one. I only had 1 TV station. We were broke and saving up money to move to Florida. It was the first time I was on public assistance with food stamps and WIC. But I had to do what I had to do to take care of my child.
We did eventually move to Florida. Tracy did go to college. Tracy did get a job at the same company as my dad and we thought we could move out. So we did... for 6 months. We got pregnant with Nate and realized we needed my parents again. We move back to my parents house until Tracy graduated.
I don't know what we would have one without my parents. But I can guarantee you, by the time Nick was born, that sense of entitlement (that my parents owned me everything) was gone. My parents didn't owe me anything. They did us a HUGE favor by letting us live with them while Tracy went to college.
I know what entitlement looks like. I know what spoiled looks like. I do not think I was harmed (like the definition says). So I guess I wasn't spoiled. But I do think I was entitled. Do I think kids these days feel entitled? Yes. I think many of them do. Do I think I "spoil" my children by providing them with an amazing life or things that allow them to be better people? No, not exactly. When they are minors, it is our job as parents to help them become amazing human beings. Provide them with ways to learn. Provide them with opportunities to grow. Provide them with opportunities to learn what it feels like to earn what they want. Teach them that they don't always get their way. And when they are old enough, maybe even push them out of the nest so they can learn to fly on their own. Let's face it, as long as you are comfortable, why would you make any change on you own? Sometimes you need a little push, and sometimes that push is painful. I know I was pissed and I felt like I was abandoned by my parents when they told me that they would not give me any more money. I had no idea how I was going to make ends meet. But you know what? I did it! I was pregnant working 2 jobs, but I did it. Tracy worked 2 jobs and went to school, but we did it. It's what you do when you need to survive, and its easy to do when you are young and healthy. You cuss your parents out (under your breath and to your friends behind your parents back..forgetting everything they have done for you) pull yourself up by your boot straps and prove to yourself that you are resilient and self-reliant and responsible. It's a right of passage. It happens to us all. At some point, we have to move out of our parents places an become he adults we were meant to be.
I can honestly say that as a parent, this is a tough lesson for me to learn. It is so hard to be the parent pushing chicks out of the nest when all I want to do is keep them safe under my wings. But that is doing them a disservice. That is harming them. That is spoiling them (by definition). And I know that somewhere along the line, when the kids are grown up and have wisdom and maturity behind them, they will look back and realize it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They will realize it was the right thing to do. Until that moment comes, I will hold them in my heart and love them and hope and pray that they learn to fly with grace and ease. When they do, I will be watching from my perch smiling and proud!
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